Grandma's Good Intentions

[SwtlyBlessed]

Hello all. So happy to have found this forum

My MIL is overall a great woman. She is sometimes a bit of a prude, and is especially opinionated, but generally she is very respectful of the choices my husband and I make as a couple. She is also weirdly obsessed with babies, like outside of the norm...

Because she lives out of town, she has offered to come watch the baby two days a week once she arrives, staying overnight once in between. My mother, who lives closer, will watch her the other days of the week once I return to work. She says she will not only help with the baby, but will also help with the cooking and cleaning, and I trust that she will. We space for her to stay without being on top of us; I'm not certain that she will give us the space we need, but I do know that we have enough room to make this possible.

But now she is suggesting staying two nights per week, and for some reason that makes all the difference to me. I suppose I should mention that I suffer from OCD, so the fact that this makes me feel like I am losing control of my privacy may be due to my disorder. Nonetheless, I am really uncomfortable with more than one overnight per week. My husband feels I am overreacting, and that if one more night isn't a huge difference, but it really is to me. He values our privacy as much as I do, but I feel he may have an unclear picture of how much it will be affected once it actually happens.

Am I overreacting? Should I just let her stay one more night each week? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

 

[SaraVO]

Maybe being honest is the best approach. One night a week sounds like a nice idea but more than that makes you feel overwhelmed. The best advice I got was to be very firm from the very beginning about how you want to model your life and family. Don't make it a discussion just say that we have decided to have all but one night a week with just the three of us adjusting to and enjoying our new dynamic. We want to concentrate on building our individual family unit and worry a little more about extended family when our baby is older. But, as a grandma we don't want to exclude you so we would love to extend an invitation for you to spend Wednesday evenings with us and would love for you to bond with your grandchild while I go to work. See how she responds. But it doesn't matter if you are fair or not or if you don't feel good because of your ocd or hormones or whatever. It's how you feel. Own it, embrace it and don't apologize. She got to make the same decisions for herself that you get to make now.

 

[Eleonora]

That's not OCD, that is full on panic territory for most of us!! You are hugely generous and accommodating and flexible that you are willing to have your MIL stay one night a week. I am sure she has the best intentions and will be a great help but it is your home and your baby and inevitably, there are going to be some conflicts over how things are handled. I find even the most innocuous comments from in-laws start to seem like criticisms: Why is the baby crying? Didn't you just feed her? Isn't she cold dressed like that? Aaaahhhhhch! Stick to the one night plan for now, you can always encourage more involvement later when you see how things develop.

 

[SwtlyBlessed]

Thanks everyone. I spoke with my husband again and he has agreed to tell her that one night is best, at least for starters. I appreciate the feedback; I do so fear losing our privacy as a family, even more than my concerns over being able to care for a newborn properly. I'm glad to know that others could possibly feel the same in this situation.

 

[SaraVO]

Thanks everyone. I spoke with my husband again and he has agreed to tell her that one night is best, at least for starters. I appreciate the feedback; I do so fear losing our privacy as a family, even more than my concerns over being able to care for a newborn properly. I'm glad to know that others could possibly feel the same in this situation.

I think it's completely normal. I know I feel the same way about my home and private time with my husband. And so does he. When my sister had her son she had straight visitors in her house for almost three months. That would have driven my husband and myself crazy. But she loved the attention and the company.

 

[Misscalais]

You're so lucky to have the help im jealous lol
But i agree with others just tell her one night for now and see how you go.

 

[hellojello25]

I agree with everyone else, just let them know that one night is fine. Honestly, I wouldn't even do that, but it's just personal preference. I know a lot of people would enjoy the extra help. We actually are going the opposite way. Visitors are welcome while we're still in the hospital, but for the first couple weeks, it's just going to be me, BF, and Alex. And that's just so we can all get used to each other and bond. But that's our personal preference. I think it's good that your husband agreed with you and that you spoke up.

 

[lace&pearls]

I agree. Do what you feel comfortable with, and I don't think you're over reacting at all. It's great that you feel so calm about her staying one night as that would be too much for some people. Although I'm sure she means well and will probably help out a lot. It's also a special time for you and OH to bond with your new baby, so a bit of time alone and privacy is a must

Maybe like the other have said, suggest 1 night for now, see how it goes.