Grandparents leave out my special needs child

[Guppy051708]

I am furious.
Continually, since we moved back to our home town, DHs parents have been treating our three kids in ways that upset them and in return upset me too. In particular FIL has been saying things about E's ASD Dx. Saying sly comments like "oh you wanted him to get the DX" or being very condescending saying he is smart (and he is! I agree, E is very loving, understanding, and intelligent) but he uses a tone to imply that he is perfectly "normal" and that basically anything we do to help comfort E when he is over stimulated or find ways to understand him is just us being rediculous. (he is mostly nonverbal but he truly understands what is goingn on). what he doesn't get is that we treat E in ways that enable him to get through his day to day life, as opposed to being chronically upset. We want the grandparents to know what helps too. Anyways, FIL will belittle us or be condescinging. So there is that piece. But here is the big thing; they treat him as less than my other two "typical" children. They will favor my eldest partly bc he is easier. I get that. But it is upsetting bc El is 3.5 my eldest isn't quite 5 yet. The thing is E understands perfectly! He knows when he is left out. But ILs continue to show favoritism w the other two and leave E out.
Just tonight they took "I" (my eldest) to see a new kid movie. That is a sweet gesture and nothing wrong with it...EXCEPT they know perfectly well that E enjoys the movies and they raved about seeing this movie in front of him. Even I asked for E to come along tonight. And no, they have no intentions on doing a special night invidiually w each kid I've been around long enough to see for myself that they are consciously leaving him out. FIL is very old school. Treats E like he is less bc of Who and what he has but then he turns around and makes us like terrible parents when we try to show him how to respond to elliot and meet his needs in a way that E understands. Meanwhile, my little boy is in tears and knows he is left out.
Plus, God bless my son I, I loves his brother and was also really upset about it. Even he sees how they are with E

I'm sorry to go on and on. I just can't stay quite anymore. I do for my husbands sake, but I can't continue this at the risk of my 1,3, and 4 year old. It isn't right. What do I do? I've spoke w DH and he fully agreed...but he isn't confrontational and tbh, DHs dad is a control freak. I understand why DH hasn't defended anything...but we can handle this...my sweet kids? They can't and they shouldn't! But what do we do to keep the peace Id they refuse? I have been very polite about my difference of opinion, stating it but only very gently and not saying too much as to not disrespect but now? It isn't healthy for my family. I just don't Know how to approach this.

 

[Reid]

Wow I'm not surprised you're furious I would be to that is quite shocking. I can't imagine how upset you're little boy elliot must be and also his big brother he obviously wants to look out for him which is really sweet.
I can't believe they talked about how much fun it was in front of elliot that is low.
Personally if I was in that situation I would ask for a sit down with them tell them how there actions are making not just elliot but your older son feel tell them how upset he was when they talked about how fun the movies were and how he cried and feels left out.
I'd would also say to them that if Elliott can't get his special time treat day whatever with gran and grampa then no one dose.
You should also point out that it would help a lot if they would stop brushing off his diagnosis of asd and making silly comments about it and support you and your OH.
What Is the gran like with them xx