Guilt over pregnancy after loss

[Aleeah]

Firstly a bit about me...

I have a very checkered history with miscarriages, some unplanned pregnancies and others very much planned. After many heartbreaks my husband and I finally fell pregnant with our rainbow daughter in 2014. To say she filled every void I may have ever had in my life is an understatement, she's literally the apple of our eyes and we pinch ourselves everyday to have her in our life, to know she's ours.

In 2015, when Sienna was 1 years old I fell pregnant again. The timing was tough on us as a family and in all honesty wasn't a planned pregnancy. I got on with things mainly in denial that I was even pregnant. I didn't bond whatsoever and felt terrible, inhindsight I think I was depressed in some way. I've never suffered from anything like that before or since but I was stuck in a bad place mentally and resented the fact I couldn't be sad etc because I was carrying a life and all mother's have to be are glowing and happy about being pregnant etc.

We found out the baby potentially wouldn't survive at our 5 month scan. My husband was in pieces. I was ok, I went back into denial mode, I decided I wanted to wait, to see if our new baby girl would pull through, in my head she would of course. But eventually she didn't, I lost her so close to when she should have been in my arms. I chose not to see her. Not touch her. not to smell her in. I chose to let go and so I did.

We were back to a family of 3 and though my husband shed many tears, I rarely did. I understood it wasn't meant to be. I unexpectedly fell pregnant in August 2016 but miscarried before I knew, I was ok with that but it made me realise I wanted to have another baby. I wasn't sure, I felt it disrespectful to the baby I never even took the time to hold. Early this year we decided this was it, we'd try. I fell pregnant so quickly. My reservations of not wanting the baby enough disappeared instantly, this baby was more wanted than I thought my heart could want.

But here I am, 9 weeks pregnant. So confused by my feelings. I feel so much remorse for not holding that little girl. It haunts me. Her scan photo's and the tiny amount of things I have to remind me of her haunt me. I feel so much guilt for moving on and getting pregnant again, I want to enjoy this pregnancy but I feel like I'm silently tainting it. I can't believe I'd get this chance again, to grow a life.

I'm an educated person, I understand losing our baby couldn't have been stopped by me, it was medical matters out of my hands but I can't help but feel huge guilt for this baby. Everyone will talk about this baby and that makes me sad for the little girl that had no name or mum .

Is it normal to feel this way after a loss? Will it go away, is it my hormones? xxxx

 

[dairymomma]

I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

And yes you are feeling things that are totally normal. I didn't get to hold my 14 week baby that I lost a few years back because I had a D&C and the guilt over choosing to have the surgery over miscarrying at home so I could see/hold my child ate at me for years. It's only been this pg and talking to my therapist on a pretty much weekly basis that has helped me feel closure. I know it's not quite the same as what you have dealt with but I do understand where your guilt is coming from.

When you are PARL and have experienced some pretty traumatic losses such as yours, I think you tend to spend more time wondering about the what ifs than most women do because we know that our pg may not end with a newborn crying in our arms after 9 months. And we do what we need to in order to protect our hearts.

We all deal with loss differently and at that moment of time, that was the way you chose because it worked for you then. Your daughter wouldn't want you to be sad and guilty for your choices back then. She'd want you to be happy and joyful over this new baby, this new life that is joining your family.

 

[Aleeah]

Thank you so much for replying to me, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I'm so sorry for all your losses.

I do agree I was protecting my already broken heart. I have been unfortunate to have suffered a lot of loss of family members etc and everytime feel it can't possibly get any worse and then it does. At the time I was relieving some awful facts of my father's death and inhindsight I didn't mentally deal with losing the baby. My husband chose to not want to meet her and I agreed, as I just wanted things over at the time. If I could turn back the clock, I would. But you're right she wouldn't want me here dwelling on the past, I think of her often. She's not a part of other people's lives, extended family etc but she's a big part of mine and always will be.

It's hard before my take home daughter most of my loses were up to 14 weeks. So when I was pregnant with her I enjoyed the pregnancy after 14 weeks, I felt safe. That safety net came crashing down with my second daughter and now I feel you're never safe until they're in your arms.

I'm thinking about how emotional I'll be if I get to hold and take this baby home, it'll be my second chance and I'll never let him or her down.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply, it meant so much to me xxxxx