Guilty feeling

[nycmommy]

I was a stay at home mom up until September, and now I have been back full time to teaching with my mom or nanny watching my 3 year old and 1 year old. I feel so guilty all the time that I have to leave them home and then go and take care of other people's kids. My husband says I don't have to work if I don't want to and that he would rather I stay home with the kids ( we are NTNP for #3) but then my in laws judge me for staying home and being "lazy" and the additional money is very helpful. But every time I leave my kids the guilt and pain is killing me and when ever I am home with them it feels like a tease. Any one feels like this? How do you get over the guilt?

 

[LDC]

Guilt is such a normal emotion for working mums, and dads I imagine too, when they're working. I worked full time up until September (my dd turned three in November) and I always felt guilty; I felt guilty leaving her, making her get out of bed early so I could get her to nursery or my mother in laws and then when I got home for being so tired that I knew I wasn't giving her all she needed.

I worked to provide though, and I truly believe that it promotes a work ethic to our children too, no matter how old they are. She understood mummy and daddy went to work to "get pennies" and that we need pennies to be able to live.

I also saw her thrive at school and her not becoming too dependent on me was always quite a big thing for me, in a strange way. I don't mean I don't want her to depend on me, I'm her mum so of course I do, but more thinking when she was going to get to school and have always been at home with me and not around other people or children.

A lot of my thoughts changed after I lost my son, and I went part time and took a huge pay cut. Now I love spending and extra two days a week with my daughter and I work 3 days a week. I feel like I have the balance right now and I know how fast they grow up. I do miss the money though and, in some ways, the challenge of my old job but I know that's not the be all and end all.

I honestly think no matter what we do as mothers that feeling will always be there; we go to work and feel guilty that we are away from our children, we work part time and feel like we should be working full time or we stay at home and feel like we should be helping to provide.

It's so difficult.

I think perhaps give it 6 months and reevaluate how you're feeling and your situation. That way you've given the work a good go and can truly see how you feel or perhaps look at part time hours or staying at home if you can afford to do so.

The decision is never an easy one, but you'll get there and do what you think is best for your family xx

 

[Sambatiki]

Wise words from LDC xxx

I only work PT and still feel very guilty too. To be honest I don't think it matters what we do we will always feel some kind of guilt. I was also going to suggest the same about working PT if that is possible. For me it works well, Pheebs gets the interaction and stimulation from nursery and other children while I'm at work and I also get a 'break' and the chance to be me for 3 days.

Hope things settle for you soon and you come to something that works best for you all xxx

 

[nycmommy]

Thanks. Working part time is not really possible because I teach, and many people think its 9-3 job but in reality with meeting students, lesson planning, and preparing labs (I'm chemistry teacher) I get home by 6 pm. By the time I feed my kids I;m pretty much putting them to bed. Also tuesday through thursday they stay with my parents 20 miles away because my parents watch them, so I don't even see my kids for two whole days. I feel like worlds worst mother that abandons her kids. I have depression and anxiety. I never imagined this guilt when I decided to return to work.

 

[Sambatiki]

Is there a job share option? My friend is also a teacher and does this xxx

 

[LDC]

That is tough not seeing your children for a couple of days, But please don't be too hard on yourself because of it. You're working to provide and do what you think is best and if that doesn't work out then you've given it a good shot and have reevaluated. A lot of the time, no matter what it is, we don't know the full impact of anything until we're doing it and can see for ourselves.

A job share sounds great if that is any option, it may be something to explore. Or perhaps flexible working?

Xx

 

[nycmommy]

Is there a job share option? My friend is also a teacher and does this xxx

What is a job share? Is it in the states?

 

[nycmommy]

That is tough not seeing your children for a couple of days, But please don't be too hard on yourself because of it. You're working to provide and do what you think is best and if that doesn't work out then you've given it a good shot and have reevaluated. A lot of the time, no matter what it is, we don't know the full impact of anything until we're doing it and can see for ourselves.

A job share sounds great if that is any option, it may be something to explore. Or perhaps flexible working?

Xx

You are so right. I thought I could handle it but I just can't. Its not the physical work that I can't handle, I can do that. Work, cook, clean...its the emotional. I always wanted to take my kids to different activities, teach them, be there for them and now I feel like my biggest dream is a shadow of what it actually is. My mom thinks I'm exaggerating but I am really not trying to be melodramatic or lazy or anything I just really hate that I am no longer a mom to my kids as I was few months ago.

We are trying for a third kid, we always wanted a big family and my husband thinks the time is now...I don't even know how that is going to work its way into my guilt if I continue working 8am-6pm....

 

[Dinah93]

If you don't need to work, and you don't want to work while they're small, don't. You have the rest of your life to show them a woman can work, can achieve by a measured societal benchmark, but the years when they're small and at home are such a finite amount of time. Not forgetting the lessons they're learning about the value of family, I believe children get a lot of security in the early years knowing there is always one parent there for them. I completely understand it's not possible for many families, and I would never advise someone to stop working if they couldn't afford it, but from the sound of it you're more worried about perceptions of you working than the practicalities. I've worked full time with children, I've taken a year off on maternity leave, I've worked part time, I've worked self employed, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that being a full time stay at home mum wasn't the lazy option, going to work and coming home to a clean house, two kids fed and sometimes already washed was an easy 8 hours compared to 8 hours at home, but it was nowhere near as fulfilling. My parents in law have a similar opinion on my not working (despite the fact that I in fact have 3 long term contracts, working 40-60 hours a week, but from home, so it's not a 'real' job... don't get me started! I earn more than hubby does going out to work and we only pay 2 days a week childcare for the little one and none for the bigger one as I do most of my work evenings or weekends when the kids are asleep or hubby or their nana can take them out). If I had the choice between not working and working a regular 9-5 job I would 100% take not working while my children are pre-school age, once they are in school I would definitely take the job if self employment was no longer working for me, but if you can afford not to work why is it anyone else's business if you chose to raise your children yourself, surely that's actually most people's prefered position to be in rather than something to feel in any way ashamed of.

 

[MerryAnn]

I think that you don't go back to work if you feel guilty. Wait until you feel ready.So you can not do the job well if you only think about guilt.

 

[loeylo]

I'm going back to work at the end of April, my wee one will be 6 months old. I'm also a teacher, so I get what you mean about work-life balance.

I'm working 3 days per week, my partner is also going to be dropping hours and our families are doing the rest of the childcare.

I totally get what you mean about providing for your family and having a work ethic instilled in them. Particularly as I have a little girl, it is important to me that she sees her daddy cut his hours as well as me so as she knows that a woman's place isn't in the kitchen. I think we have a nice balance, two days at home with mummy, a day at home with daddy, then a day at each set of grandparents.

 

[zorak]

Even as a teacher you should have the option to work part-time as a job share. I'm a teacher and interviewing to go back to work and I'm specifically looking for job shares. They are available you just need to hunt around.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

Im of the opposite thinking. I think as a mom with kids, you shouldnt work and its just as valuable as a job as any. ( unless youre a single mom, other circumstances, etc).

I nanny (and not for the money). I stay at home. I homeschool. My day isnt lazy. My kids are just as socialized and mature as a working moms kids.

IMO, if you dont have to work, then dont. Screw your in laws.

 

[loeylo]

Im of the opposite thinking. I think as a mom with kids, you shouldnt work and its just as valuable as a job as any. ( unless youre a single mom, other circumstances, etc).

I nanny (and not for the money). I stay at home. I homeschool. My day isnt lazy. My kids are just as socialized and mature as a working moms kids.

IMO, if you dont have to work, then dont. Screw your in laws.

Judgy comment much? If you are a mum you SHOULDNT work? Ridiculous thing to say. You do you and let others do them, this comment has really annoyed me to be honest. Having a vagina doesn't mean that your life should stop just because a child so happened to grow inside you. My genetalia don't define me. Nor does that fact that I have a child. I worked damn hard to have a good job, I love my job and sure aren't going to give it up just because I have children. It doesn't mean I love my daughter any less! Your comment is outdated and sexist.

Ps, if women choose to be sahm's and it is financially viable for them to do so then fair enough, but it certainly shouldn't be expected that the vagina owning parent automatically gives up their career to play with a kid all day. It isn't 1920 any more!

And also, I want my daughter to grow up knowing that a woman's place isn't in the home. A woman's place is wherever she wants her place to be,whether that be in the home, in a career or in education. If she ever feels she NEEDS a man to go out and work to pay her keep then I will have failed her. If she grows up and makes that CHOICE then fair enough, but it is all about choice. Your comment devalues the hard work that women have been doing for generations to smash the glass ceiling and make it easier for women to juggle family and work life.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

Im of the opposite thinking. I think as a mom with kids, you shouldnt work and its just as valuable as a job as any. ( unless youre a single mom, other circumstances, etc).

I nanny (and not for the money). I stay at home. I homeschool. My day isnt lazy. My kids are just as socialized and mature as a working moms kids.

IMO, if you dont have to work, then dont. Screw your in laws.

Judgy comment much? If you are a mum you SHOULDNT work? Ridiculous thing to say. You do you and let others do them, this comment has really annoyed me to be honest. Having a vagina doesn't mean that your life should stop just because a child so happened to grow inside you. My genetalia don't define me. Nor does that fact that I have a child. I worked damn hard to have a good job, I love my job and sure aren't going to give it up just because I have children. It doesn't mean I love my daughter any less! Your comment is outdated and sexist.

Ps, if women choose to be sahm's and it is financially viable for them to do so then fair enough, but it certainly shouldn't be expected that the vagina owning parent automatically gives up their career to play with a kid all day. It isn't 1920 any more!

And also, I want my daughter to grow up knowing that a woman's place isn't in the home. A woman's place is wherever she wants her place to be,whether that be in the home, in a career or in education. If she ever feels she NEEDS a man to go out and work to pay her keep then I will have failed her. If she grows up and makes that CHOICE then fair enough, but it is all about choice. Your comment devalues the hard work that women have been doing for generations to smash the glass ceiling and make it easier for women to juggle family and work life.

Shes on a public forum asking a question. I answered. Im allowed MY opinion. If OP wanted ONE opinion, that ONLY agreed with her, she should have stated as such!

Good day to you~!

 

[loeylo]

Im of the opposite thinking. I think as a mom with kids, you shouldnt work and its just as valuable as a job as any. ( unless youre a single mom, other circumstances, etc).

I nanny (and not for the money). I stay at home. I homeschool. My day isnt lazy. My kids are just as socialized and mature as a working moms kids.

IMO, if you dont have to work, then dont. Screw your in laws.

Judgy comment much? If you are a mum you SHOULDNT work? Ridiculous thing to say. You do you and let others do them, this comment has really annoyed me to be honest. Having a vagina doesn't mean that your life should stop just because a child so happened to grow inside you. My genetalia don't define me. Nor does that fact that I have a child. I worked damn hard to have a good job, I love my job and sure aren't going to give it up just because I have children. It doesn't mean I love my daughter any less! Your comment is outdated and sexist.

Ps, if women choose to be sahm's and it is financially viable for them to do so then fair enough, but it certainly shouldn't be expected that the vagina owning parent automatically gives up their career to play with a kid all day. It isn't 1920 any more!

And also, I want my daughter to grow up knowing that a woman's place isn't in the home. A woman's place is wherever she wants her place to be,whether that be in the home, in a career or in education. If she ever feels she NEEDS a man to go out and work to pay her keep then I will have failed her. If she grows up and makes that CHOICE then fair enough, but it is all about choice. Your comment devalues the hard work that women have been doing for generations to smash the glass ceiling and make it easier for women to juggle family and work life.

Shes on a public forum asking a question. I answered. Im allowed MY opinion. If OP wanted ONE opinion, that ONLY agreed with her, she should have stated as such!

Good day to you~!

Judge away. You aren't entitled to have an opinion on my life. It's good to see you are raising kids to be open minded *rolls eyes*

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

Im of the opposite thinking. I think as a mom with kids, you shouldnt work and its just as valuable as a job as any. ( unless youre a single mom, other circumstances, etc).

I nanny (and not for the money). I stay at home. I homeschool. My day isnt lazy. My kids are just as socialized and mature as a working moms kids.

IMO, if you dont have to work, then dont. Screw your in laws.

Judgy comment much? If you are a mum you SHOULDNT work? Ridiculous thing to say. You do you and let others do them, this comment has really annoyed me to be honest. Having a vagina doesn't mean that your life should stop just because a child so happened to grow inside you. My genetalia don't define me. Nor does that fact that I have a child. I worked damn hard to have a good job, I love my job and sure aren't going to give it up just because I have children. It doesn't mean I love my daughter any less! Your comment is outdated and sexist.

Ps, if women choose to be sahm's and it is financially viable for them to do so then fair enough, but it certainly shouldn't be expected that the vagina owning parent automatically gives up their career to play with a kid all day. It isn't 1920 any more!

And also, I want my daughter to grow up knowing that a woman's place isn't in the home. A woman's place is wherever she wants her place to be,whether that be in the home, in a career or in education. If she ever feels she NEEDS a man to go out and work to pay her keep then I will have failed her. If she grows up and makes that CHOICE then fair enough, but it is all about choice. Your comment devalues the hard work that women have been doing for generations to smash the glass ceiling and make it easier for women to juggle family and work life.

Shes on a public forum asking a question. I answered. Im allowed MY opinion. If OP wanted ONE opinion, that ONLY agreed with her, she should have stated as such!

Good day to you~!

Judge away. You aren't entitled to have an opinion on my life. It's good to see you are raising kids to be open minded *rolls eyes*

Youll be ok in your small bubble, i promise. Life will go on.

 

[loeylo]

Im of the opposite thinking. I think as a mom with kids, you shouldnt work and its just as valuable as a job as any. ( unless youre a single mom, other circumstances, etc).

I nanny (and not for the money). I stay at home. I homeschool. My day isnt lazy. My kids are just as socialized and mature as a working moms kids.

IMO, if you dont have to work, then dont. Screw your in laws.

Judgy comment much? If you are a mum you SHOULDNT work? Ridiculous thing to say. You do you and let others do them, this comment has really annoyed me to be honest. Having a vagina doesn't mean that your life should stop just because a child so happened to grow inside you. My genetalia don't define me. Nor does that fact that I have a child. I worked damn hard to have a good job, I love my job and sure aren't going to give it up just because I have children. It doesn't mean I love my daughter any less! Your comment is outdated and sexist.

Ps, if women choose to be sahm's and it is financially viable for them to do so then fair enough, but it certainly shouldn't be expected that the vagina owning parent automatically gives up their career to play with a kid all day. It isn't 1920 any more!

And also, I want my daughter to grow up knowing that a woman's place isn't in the home. A woman's place is wherever she wants her place to be,whether that be in the home, in a career or in education. If she ever feels she NEEDS a man to go out and work to pay her keep then I will have failed her. If she grows up and makes that CHOICE then fair enough, but it is all about choice. Your comment devalues the hard work that women have been doing for generations to smash the glass ceiling and make it easier for women to juggle family and work life.

Shes on a public forum asking a question. I answered. Im allowed MY opinion. If OP wanted ONE opinion, that ONLY agreed with her, she should have stated as such!

Good day to you~!

Judge away. You aren't entitled to have an opinion on my life. It's good to see you are raising kids to be open minded *rolls eyes*

Youll be ok in your small bubble, i promise. Life will go on.

It's YOU that is living in a bubble, thinking that (to directly quote you) WOMEN should be at home with the kids. A woman should be wherever the hell she wants to be.

FYI, children f working mothers are more likely to be successful than children of SAHMs so when I "choose" to go to work, I'm not doing it because I can't be arsed to look after my daughter, being a SAHM is far less chaotic in my experience than being a working mum. I'm doing it because my daughter deserves to have the future she wants, not one defined by her genitalia.

https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/kids-benefit-from-having-a-working-mom

see website above to show that my claims are not unsubstantiated.

For what it's worth my partner is becoming a SAHD but apparently he is an inferior parent as he was born with different body parts.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

It's YOU that is living in a bubble, thinking that (to directly quote you) WOMEN should be at home with the kids. A woman should be wherever the hell she wants to be.

FYI, children f working mothers are more likely to be successful than children of SAHMs so when I "choose" to go to work, I'm not doing it because I can't be arsed to look after my daughter, being a SAHM is far less chaotic in my experience than being a working mum. I'm doing it because my daughter deserves to have the future she wants, not one defined by her genitalia.

https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/kids-benefit-from-having-a-working-mom

see website above to show that my claims are not unsubstantiated.

For what it's worth my partner is becoming a SAHD but apparently he is an inferior parent as he was born with different body parts.

The sad part is i never said women staying home were inferior. Maybe at work, they should teach you how to READ.

 

[loeylo]

It's YOU that is living in a bubble, thinking that (to directly quote you) WOMEN should be at home with the kids. A woman should be wherever the hell she wants to be.

FYI, children f working mothers are more likely to be successful than children of SAHMs so when I "choose" to go to work, I'm not doing it because I can't be arsed to look after my daughter, being a SAHM is far less chaotic in my experience than being a working mum. I'm doing it because my daughter deserves to have the future she wants, not one defined by her genitalia.

https://hbswk.hbs.edu/item/kids-benefit-from-having-a-working-mom

see website above to show that my claims are not unsubstantiated.

For what it's worth my partner is becoming a SAHD but apparently he is an inferior parent as he was born with different body parts.

The sad part is i never said women staying home were inferior. Maybe at work, they should teach you how to READ.

I can read pretty well, thanks. I didn't say that you did say that, I was referring to the fact that you think vagina owning parents should stay at home. You didn't say "it works best for us having the mum at home" which is fine, you said that mums should stay at home. The implication is then that dads should work to support mums and therefore dads take a lesser role at parenting.

Anyway, I'm going back to this century where women have choices and aspirations.