Guilty feeling

[xxmyheartxx]

I'm a sahm as my hubby took a new job when I was pregnant with ds and his pay rise covered my wage, as i felt i was missing out on them while they are young, i don't feel that my children will be less successful in life because I don't work, they already know that to have nice things, you have to study/work hard for them, my hubby works long hours and has a fab work ethic but won't my daughters get that from their dad??? Or only from me??? I best get back to work then so my children especially my girls see that women have to work
No body is ever going to agree on this subject.

 

[loeylo]

I'm a sahm as my hubby took a new job when I was pregnant with ds and his pay rise covered my wage, as i felt i was missing out on them while they are young, i don't feel that my children will be less successful in life because I don't work, they already know that to have nice things, you have to study/work hard for them, my hubby works long hours and has a fab work ethic but won't my daughters get that from their dad??? Or only from me??? I best get back to work then so my children especially my girls see that women have to work
No body is ever going to agree on this subject.

I don't have an issue with people who choose to stay at home, if that's what works for one family then that's what they should do, obviously. I have an issue with outdated attitudes.

My main issue with pp is
1- Stating that she doesn't think women should work when they have kids rather than stating that she doesn't want to work personally.
2- assuming that either parent needs to stay at home when we have perfectly good childcare options in this day and age (also with longer life expectancies more families can rely on grandparents for childcare)
3- assuming that the woman should stay at home just because she so happens to be the one with a vagina.

Personally for me I need mental stimulation beyond peeling potatoes and playing peekaboo.

My partner and I have both got well paying jobs, we have family around who always want to take our daughter, and she is about to start nursery two mornings a week to socialise with other kids.

I work 9am til 3pm 5 days a week and then do an hour or two per night when my daughter is in bed. I get 13 weeks holiday per year. I'm nearly at the top of the pay scale for my current role level. There is no need for me to give this up.

It's all about choice for individual families. What works for me might not work for you. It's the judging that I have an issue with!

 

[xxmyheartxx]

I get plenty of mental stimulation thank you 😀 and not just from peekaboo and peeling potatoes!!
I gave up a good paying job to stay at home so I can be at home with my children, whether or not I go back to work when they are older i don't know,I also know that I didn't have children to then have to depend on family members to look after my children, I just think how you come across saying that children especially girls need to see the mother working! What a load of rubbish imo!

 

[happynewmom1]

I get plenty of mental stimulation thank you 😀 and not just from peekaboo and peeling potatoes!!
I gave up a good paying job to stay at home so I can be at home with my children, whether or not I go back to work when they are older i don't know,I also know that I didn't have children to then have to depend on family members to look after my children, I just think how you come across saying that children especially girls need to see the mother working! What a load of rubbish imo!

I agree with this!

Loeylo, I'm all about women having jobs if that is what they want to do even after having children. I won't judge.. Do what works best for you but if you have such a problem with people judging you, why do the same to us sahm? We gave things up too and it absolutely does not mean our kids will be less successful then yours. It just means we all have different families and what you want for yours is different then ours.

And BTW - my day is not just peekaboo and peeling potatoes. I'm on the go with our 3 all day long starting early and going late. I lie down at night exhausted. It's diapers and meals and potty training and cleaning and baths and teaching and helping them to grow. It doesn't mean whoever your daughter is with doesn't get that, it just means I prefer our kids get it from me and not depending on other people and family. Whether it was your intention or not, you also came across as judging and putting us down for our decision which is what you were upset for other people doing. Your job sounds great and it sounds like it works for you and your family. That's great! Me staying home with our kids also works great. My husband works very hard for this family and without a doubt I know our kids see that from him.

 

[loeylo]

I get plenty of mental stimulation thank you 😀 and not just from peekaboo and peeling potatoes!!
I gave up a good paying job to stay at home so I can be at home with my children, whether or not I go back to work when they are older i don't know,I also know that I didn't have children to then have to depend on family members to look after my children, I just think how you come across saying that children especially girls need to see the mother working! What a load of rubbish imo!

You are entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to mines. I was brought up in a family where both parents worked full-time and I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, as did my cousins. My grandparents loved looking after us, and my parents love taking my kid too. IMO it takes more than just parents to raise kids, we have always been a close family and similarly I help my parents out a lot when they need help with things. It isn't like I just thought "to hell with it, I'll just have a baby and let my parents look after it all the time" - I guess it depends the type of relationship you have with your parents though.

And as for the working parent raising successful children thing, it has been studied by academics and peer reviewed so whilst you are entitled to disagree with it, it is scientifically proven to be correct so I will personally side with peer reviewed literature on that one. It was actually a huge deciding factor when it came to setting my working hours (and in my own life experience it is true - my friendship group are all successful doctors, dentists and teachers and none of us came from families where only one parent worked. But that is obviously just my experience)

When I was on maternity leave I craved the mental stimulation which I had at work. Whilst for some less career driven women this might be okay, I thrive off being on the go and don't really "relax" much. When at school I was in "top classes", worked two jobs (Mon-Thu 5-8pm in a call centre plus 9-6 Saturday and 10-5 Sunday in a clothes shop) plus ran a youth summer camp. I also worked two jobs through uni. I've worked since I was 14 so to me not having a paid job felt degrading and I hated relying on someone else for financial support when I had been self sufficient since around 16-17. When on maternity leave (and even now during school holidays) I feel that my days lack challenge.

I have stated several times that it's fine if a woman chooses to stay at home, it just REALLY isn't for me. Everyone does what they think is best for their kid. Working mums get so much judgement as if we are choosing to go to work because we can't be bothered to look after our kids. Others don't realise that all the things that they do for their kids are still done by working mums - I still cook three meals a day for her, I still wash all her clothes and take her out every single day, I still get her up every morning and bath her, get her ready for the day and then wash all the dishes and tidy the house and then get her ready for bed, do her bedtime story and then get her into bed. I just have to cram these things into a smaller space of time (and consequently I survive on about 5 hours sleep a night, haha) - the point is, I wouldn't have it any other way. If we didn't both work, we wouldn't be able to afford to do all the nice things we do together and I wouldn't be able to save money for her future. For me, giving her a good future is my whole point of existence. So to imply that I'm selfish for working is completely untrue - everything I do, I do with her in my mind. As I'm sure all parents do, it's just what I feel is best for my kid is different than what others feel is best for their kid. Life would be boring if we all were the same.

It's also really important to me that my daughter doesn't grow up with one parent who is always out working. By having two incomes, we are both able to stick to "normal" work schedules, meaning she gets lots of quality time with both of us. Spending time with mummy doesn't trump spending time with daddy. For me to be a SAHM my partner would need to work more than 35h/week and I wasn't willing to put him in that position. Consequently, he definitely does more of the parenting role than most dads do (everything is 50/50 on the parenting front in our house, which is great as we both get a break!)

I really wasn't being judgemental, I juat feel passionately that both parents should be able to do what's best for their family without others interfering. Whether that be both parents working full time, parents working opposite shifts, part time working, or a stay at home parent.

 

[loeylo]

I get plenty of mental stimulation thank you 😀 and not just from peekaboo and peeling potatoes!!
I gave up a good paying job to stay at home so I can be at home with my children, whether or not I go back to work when they are older i don't know,I also know that I didn't have children to then have to depend on family members to look after my children, I just think how you come across saying that children especially girls need to see the mother working! What a load of rubbish imo!

I agree with this!

Loeylo, I'm all about women having jobs if that is what they want to do even after having children. I won't judge.. Do what works best for you but if you have such a problem with people judging you, why do the same to us sahm? We gave things up too and it absolutely does not mean our kids will be less successful then yours. It just means we all have different families and what you want for yours is different then ours.

And BTW - my day is not just peekaboo and peeling potatoes. I'm on the go with our 3 all day long starting early and going late. I lie down at night exhausted. It's diapers and meals and potty training and cleaning and baths and teaching and helping them to grow. It doesn't mean whoever your daughter is with doesn't get that, it just means I prefer our kids get it from me and not depending on other people and family. Whether it was your intention or not, you also came across as judging and putting us down for our decision which is what you were upset for other people doing. Your job sounds great and it sounds like it works for you and your family. That's great! Me staying home with our kids also works great. My husband works very hard for this family and without a doubt I know our kids see that from him.

Show me where I judged SAHMs? I just said I couldn't do it as I find it doesn't challenge me mentally (although it is stressful!) - I just need to be busy busy busy and being a parent of 1 just isn't that busy (well, it is sometimes, but not consistently) - I found that I was up in the morning, house tidied, then wake her up, get her ready, go out to the park or for a walk or to the shops, home for lunch, walk the dog, play or paint or whatever for a while, tidy up, dinner, bath time then bed, everything was done for 7pm and I was bored. I can imagine that this wouldn't be as easy with 3 until they start school though! I just felt my days were samey and not busy enough. That's just me as a person though - I thrive on stress and pressure. My partner also has mental health issues so this is factored into my opinion on the matter.

 

[happynewmom1]

I get plenty of mental stimulation thank you 😀 and not just from peekaboo and peeling potatoes!!
I gave up a good paying job to stay at home so I can be at home with my children, whether or not I go back to work when they are older i don't know,I also know that I didn't have children to then have to depend on family members to look after my children, I just think how you come across saying that children especially girls need to see the mother working! What a load of rubbish imo!

I agree with this!

Loeylo, I'm all about women having jobs if that is what they want to do even after having children. I won't judge.. Do what works best for you but if you have such a problem with people judging you, why do the same to us sahm? We gave things up too and it absolutely does not mean our kids will be less successful then yours. It just means we all have different families and what you want for yours is different then ours.

And BTW - my day is not just peekaboo and peeling potatoes. I'm on the go with our 3 all day long starting early and going late. I lie down at night exhausted. It's diapers and meals and potty training and cleaning and baths and teaching and helping them to grow. It doesn't mean whoever your daughter is with doesn't get that, it just means I prefer our kids get it from me and not depending on other people and family. Whether it was your intention or not, you also came across as judging and putting us down for our decision which is what you were upset for other people doing. Your job sounds great and it sounds like it works for you and your family. That's great! Me staying home with our kids also works great. My husband works very hard for this family and without a doubt I know our kids see that from him.

Show me where I judged SAHMs? I just said I couldn't do it as I find it doesn't challenge me mentally (although it is stressful!) - I just need to be busy busy busy and being a parent of 1 just isn't that busy (well, it is sometimes, but not consistently) - I found that I was up in the morning, house tidied, then wake her up, get her ready, go out to the park or for a walk or to the shops, home for lunch, walk the dog, play or paint or whatever for a while, tidy up, dinner, bath time then bed, everything was done for 7pm and I was bored. I can imagine that this wouldn't be as easy with 3 until they start school though! I just felt my days were samey and not busy enough. That's just me as a person though - I thrive on stress and pressure. My partner also has mental health issues so this is factored into my opinion on the matter.

I didn't mean to come across rude. It's just how I took your posts. I truly think this comes down most on how we were all raised and our personalities too. I've been put down a lot for being a sahm like I don't matter as much as those who work outside of the home so I do tend to be defensive. I think no matter what we do we can't win when it comes to others opinions. I'm glad it's what works for you guys and enjoy your baby!

 

[loeylo]

I get plenty of mental stimulation thank you 😀 and not just from peekaboo and peeling potatoes!!
I gave up a good paying job to stay at home so I can be at home with my children, whether or not I go back to work when they are older i don't know,I also know that I didn't have children to then have to depend on family members to look after my children, I just think how you come across saying that children especially girls need to see the mother working! What a load of rubbish imo!

I agree with this!

Loeylo, I'm all about women having jobs if that is what they want to do even after having children. I won't judge.. Do what works best for you but if you have such a problem with people judging you, why do the same to us sahm? We gave things up too and it absolutely does not mean our kids will be less successful then yours. It just means we all have different families and what you want for yours is different then ours.

And BTW - my day is not just peekaboo and peeling potatoes. I'm on the go with our 3 all day long starting early and going late. I lie down at night exhausted. It's diapers and meals and potty training and cleaning and baths and teaching and helping them to grow. It doesn't mean whoever your daughter is with doesn't get that, it just means I prefer our kids get it from me and not depending on other people and family. Whether it was your intention or not, you also came across as judging and putting us down for our decision which is what you were upset for other people doing. Your job sounds great and it sounds like it works for you and your family. That's great! Me staying home with our kids also works great. My husband works very hard for this family and without a doubt I know our kids see that from him.

Show me where I judged SAHMs? I just said I couldn't do it as I find it doesn't challenge me mentally (although it is stressful!) - I just need to be busy busy busy and being a parent of 1 just isn't that busy (well, it is sometimes, but not consistently) - I found that I was up in the morning, house tidied, then wake her up, get her ready, go out to the park or for a walk or to the shops, home for lunch, walk the dog, play or paint or whatever for a while, tidy up, dinner, bath time then bed, everything was done for 7pm and I was bored. I can imagine that this wouldn't be as easy with 3 until they start school though! I just felt my days were samey and not busy enough. That's just me as a person though - I thrive on stress and pressure. My partner also has mental health issues so this is factored into my opinion on the matter.

I didn't mean to come across rude. It's just how I took your posts. I truly think this comes down most on how we were all raised and our personalities too. I've been put down a lot for being a sahm like I don't matter as much as those who work outside of the home so I do tend to be defensive. I think no matter what we do we can't win when it comes to others opinions. I'm glad it's what works for you guys and enjoy your baby!

I wouldn't judge a SAHM, I think it's great if a woman has a supportive partner who can support them financially to stay at home and the mum is happy to do so then obviously that's what works for them, brilliant. What annoys me is relationships where the woman feels she HAS to stay at home and isn't allowed to get a job- particularly in certain cultures where a woman HAS to choose between having a career or having a husband and family. My dad is quite traditional in that he wanted my mum to stop working to have kids, my mum stood firm and refused to do so and eventually my dad agreed that it would work best for them to have both parents work.

I'd personally be terrified of only having one income incase something happened, i.e. The working parent was made redundant or was off work due to illness (my partner was off sick for a year and only got half pay after 6 months and may be made redundant shortly, both of those things would have crippled us had his wage been the only form of income!) im a planner and a worrier so financial security is massive to me, especially since we wouldn't get housing benefit etc since we own the house!

Also, in event of a relationship breakdowns SAHMs can be left in a very vulnerable position. While I don't anticipate separating from my partner, you never know what the future holds and I'd hate to be left in financial stress.

I think it's wonderful that in this day and age women can have a successful career and raise children, I also think it's wonderful that some mothers choose not to do so and to instead give up their careers to raise children. I want my daughter to know that she always has choices in life. I would probably not have had children if I had been of my grandparents generation where it was nigh on impossible to do both.

Sometimes I feel as though working mums are viewed as inferior parents, as though they are going out to work to get away from their children. In reality I would obviously rather be at the park with her than at work, but I also get a lot f satisfaction from knowing that I'm working for her future. It also makes me appreciate the time we do spend together more as it feels more "special" - weekends are a massive deal in our house since we are all together and there are no schedules to live by.

 

[happynewmom1]

I can get all of that. My dh has told me if I want to work then he supports that but if I want to stay home that is fine too. We aren't super well off but we do OK. The kids have everything they need. I have considered working.. I'm not old fashioned in that I feel like I have to stay home because I'm a woman. Honestly with 3 kids.. Even though one is in school, we would have to find childcare for the other two and finding a place I trust would just be expensive.. Probably take my whole paycheck so wouldn't pay to work anyway. My family lives too far to watch them. I've been a sahm for almost 7 years..its got its good and bad. You do keep sneaking in little things like we just play peekaboo or go to the park.. It's just not like that for me. Although we do have some park time, staying for home with the kids is plain work. I have crazy respect for a mom who can do everything for their children and have an outside job too but I feel we deserve some too for not going completely nuts staying home with our little ones all day haha

Are you in the US? It might depend on where we live too. Over here I've heard more negative about sahm's and encourage moms to work instead. It sounds like the opposite is true for where you are and it shouldn't be that way.

I have thought about what if's if something happens to my dh and we have sat down and gone over this. It would be more difficult for me since I'd have to find a job but it would be doable. I worked for 6 years before having ds1 and much of it had 2 jobs so even though it was some time ago, I have some experience and would just have to make it work. We do what we need to for our babies. Even though my family lives too far for me to drop the kids off with, they still would help if something came up.

I will say this lastly. My mom was a sahm.. She hated it. It's not for everyone. I think she should have gotten a job because staying home made her depressed and needed to get out. Back to a personality thing I think. When the kids are older I do think I'd get a morning job anyway since they would be at school and hopefully when they are older and leave the house I won't be lonely or bitter or anything like that. For me and for our family, that is what would be ideal. I'm really not one to judge how others families work. And I do apologize if I came across that way. I really just hoped you would view us a little differently.. Not all sahm stay home because they are traditional in that sense. And staying home isn't all park and peekaboo.. I barely get sleep at night and have to get up and get the kids ready to walk our oldest to school and I'm pretty much on my feet until they go to bed. I respect what you do and I hope you can respect me and what I do as well and that as really all I wanted to get across.. Probably could have done it with a shorter post

 

[zorak]

Stepping into the fray. .

Personally I'd avoid working full time if it was financially possible as I do think the kids pay a price.
I've had a mixed experience. We lived overseas when I had my first, I went back to work when he was 6 m months old but worked condensed hours so he was only in daycare 0930 to 1530 and I could work from home with ease of I ever wanted which I did fairly often.

As soon as I went on mat leave with my second I stopped at working as we moved back to the UK. 2 years later and I've just today been offered a permanent part run time teaching job which to me is the best of both worlds.

When in the US given we had no family around I think working was great for me and my son. I got social interaction and he got the experience of an extended family through his home daycare (we are still very close with his carer).

It was absolutely right that I took the time to settle my boys after moving back. And Tbh I've loved being with them in their early years. It's firmly cemented in my mind that I do not want to work full time. We have no family member able to care for them which comes into consideration but I'm their parent and at the end of the day it is mine and my husbands responsibility to be there.

My youngest is now 2 and at an age where I feel like he'd benefit from being around other kids more often whilst still maintaining the balance of me giving most care.

Thinking about it most women in my family do work part time. My Mum was a stay at home Mum until my youngest sibling started high school and now works part time as a legal secretary. Of my two sister in laws, one is a senior pharmacist_-works part time, and the other owns her own cake business and basically works part time. So we are all professionals, but all our husbands are also professionals and relatively high earners.

 

[zorak]

Stepping into the fray. .

Personally I'd avoid working full time if it was financially possible as I do think the kids pay a price.
I've had a mixed experience. We lived overseas when I had my first, I went back to work when he was 6 m months old but worked condensed hours so he was only in daycare 0930 to 1530 and I could work from home with ease of I ever wanted which I did fairly often.

As soon as I went on mat leave with my second I stopped at working as we moved back to the UK. 2 years later and I've just today been offered a permanent part run time teaching job which to me is the best of both worlds.

When in the US given we had no family around I think working was great for me and my son. I got social interaction and he got the experience of an extended family through his home daycare (we are still very close with his carer).

It was absolutely right that I took the time to settle my boys after moving back. And Tbh I've loved being with them in their early years. It's firmly cemented in my mind that I do not want to work full time. We have no family member able to care for them which comes into consideration but I'm their parent and at the end of the day it is mine and my husbands responsibility to be there.

My youngest is now 2 and at an age where I feel like he'd benefit from being around other kids more often whilst still maintaining the balance of me giving most care.

Thinking about it most women in my family do work part time. My Mum was a stay at home Mum until my youngest sibling started high school and now works part time as a legal secretary. Of my two sister in laws, one is a senior pharmacist_-works part time, and the other owns her own cake business and basically works part time. So we are all professionals, but all our husbands are also professionals and relatively high earners.

On my phone, excuse mistakes.

 

[xxmyheartxx]

I get plenty of mental stimulation thank you 😀 and not just from peekaboo and peeling potatoes!!
I gave up a good paying job to stay at home so I can be at home with my children, whether or not I go back to work when they are older i don't know,I also know that I didn't have children to then have to depend on family members to look after my children, I just think how you come across saying that children especially girls need to see the mother working! What a load of rubbish imo!

You are entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to mines. I was brought up in a family where both parents worked full-time and I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, as did my cousins. My grandparents loved looking after us, and my parents love taking my kid too. IMO it takes more than just parents to raise kids, we have always been a close family and similarly I help my parents out a lot when they need help with things. It isn't like I just thought "to hell with it, I'll just have a baby and let my parents look after it all the time" - I guess it depends the type of relationship you have with your parents though.

And as for the working parent raising successful children thing, it has been studied by academics and peer reviewed so whilst you are entitled to disagree with it, it is scientifically proven to be correct so I will personally side with peer reviewed literature on that one. It was actually a huge deciding factor when it came to setting my working hours (and in my own life experience it is true - my friendship group are all successful doctors, dentists and teachers and none of us came from families where only one parent worked. But that is obviously just my experience)

When I was on maternity leave I craved the mental stimulation which I had at work. Whilst for some less career driven women this might be okay, I thrive off being on the go and don't really "relax" much. When at school I was in "top classes", worked two jobs (Mon-Thu 5-8pm in a call centre plus 9-6 Saturday and 10-5 Sunday in a clothes shop) plus ran a youth summer camp. I also worked two jobs through uni. I've worked since I was 14 so to me not having a paid job felt degrading and I hated relying on someone else for financial support when I had been self sufficient since around 16-17. When on maternity leave (and even now during school holidays) I feel that my days lack challenge.

I have stated several times that it's fine if a woman chooses to stay at home, it just REALLY isn't for me. Everyone does what they think is best for their kid. Working mums get so much judgement as if we are choosing to go to work because we can't be bothered to look after our kids. Others don't realise that all the things that they do for their kids are still done by working mums - I still cook three meals a day for her, I still wash all her clothes and take her out every single day, I still get her up every morning and bath her, get her ready for the day and then wash all the dishes and tidy the house and then get her ready for bed, do her bedtime story and then get her into bed. I just have to cram these things into a smaller space of time (and consequently I survive on about 5 hours sleep a night, haha) - the point is, I wouldn't have it any other way. If we didn't both work, we wouldn't be able to afford to do all the nice things we do together and I wouldn't be able to save money for her future. For me, giving her a good future is my whole point of existence. So to imply that I'm selfish for working is completely untrue - everything I do, I do with her in my mind. As I'm sure all parents do, it's just what I feel is best for my kid is different than what others feel is best for their kid. Life would be boring if we all were the same.

It's also really important to me that my daughter doesn't grow up with one parent who is always out working. By having two incomes, we are both able to stick to "normal" work schedules, meaning she gets lots of quality time with both of us. Spending time with mummy doesn't trump spending time with daddy. For me to be a SAHM my partner would need to work more than 35h/week and I wasn't willing to put him in that position. Consequently, he definitely does more of the parenting role than most dads do (everything is 50/50 on the parenting front in our house, which is great as we both get a break!)

I really wasn't being judgemental, I juat feel passionately that both parents should be able to do what's best for their family without others interfering. Whether that be both parents working full time, parents working opposite shifts, part time working, or a stay at home parent.

My circle of friends are nurses, Dr's, transplant co ordinator for our area and West mids, nationwide trainer for a bank, small business owner to name a few and they was all raised by sahm!!!!
You are actually coming across as rather arrogant and that your worth more than sahm because you work therefore your better than us!
My husband who works extremely hard for us to live as we do, florida every year, plus a week in the sun some where else and normal weekends away, and we own our house with only 12 years left on mortgage, only 32 years old! Yet apparently my children won't know that they have to work hard to achieve because they have a sahm!!!
My husband works the normal mon to Fri with maybe the odd weekend depending what's going out.

I don't expect my parents or my husbands parents to look after my children, the odd occasion is fine but they are not there children to raise.
We are very close to both sets before you say anything about relationships!


Like I said before, no one is ever going to agree on this subject, it's just how you came across that's got my back up.

Ps I also worked at 14, full time when I left school, manager by 19, so I have worked just so you know!

 

[loeylo]

I get plenty of mental stimulation thank you 😀 and not just from peekaboo and peeling potatoes!!
I gave up a good paying job to stay at home so I can be at home with my children, whether or not I go back to work when they are older i don't know,I also know that I didn't have children to then have to depend on family members to look after my children, I just think how you come across saying that children especially girls need to see the mother working! What a load of rubbish imo!

You are entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to mines. I was brought up in a family where both parents worked full-time and I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, as did my cousins. My grandparents loved looking after us, and my parents love taking my kid too. IMO it takes more than just parents to raise kids, we have always been a close family and similarly I help my parents out a lot when they need help with things. It isn't like I just thought "to hell with it, I'll just have a baby and let my parents look after it all the time" - I guess it depends the type of relationship you have with your parents though.

And as for the working parent raising successful children thing, it has been studied by academics and peer reviewed so whilst you are entitled to disagree with it, it is scientifically proven to be correct so I will personally side with peer reviewed literature on that one. It was actually a huge deciding factor when it came to setting my working hours (and in my own life experience it is true - my friendship group are all successful doctors, dentists and teachers and none of us came from families where only one parent worked. But that is obviously just my experience)

When I was on maternity leave I craved the mental stimulation which I had at work. Whilst for some less career driven women this might be okay, I thrive off being on the go and don't really "relax" much. When at school I was in "top classes", worked two jobs (Mon-Thu 5-8pm in a call centre plus 9-6 Saturday and 10-5 Sunday in a clothes shop) plus ran a youth summer camp. I also worked two jobs through uni. I've worked since I was 14 so to me not having a paid job felt degrading and I hated relying on someone else for financial support when I had been self sufficient since around 16-17. When on maternity leave (and even now during school holidays) I feel that my days lack challenge.

I have stated several times that it's fine if a woman chooses to stay at home, it just REALLY isn't for me. Everyone does what they think is best for their kid. Working mums get so much judgement as if we are choosing to go to work because we can't be bothered to look after our kids. Others don't realise that all the things that they do for their kids are still done by working mums - I still cook three meals a day for her, I still wash all her clothes and take her out every single day, I still get her up every morning and bath her, get her ready for the day and then wash all the dishes and tidy the house and then get her ready for bed, do her bedtime story and then get her into bed. I just have to cram these things into a smaller space of time (and consequently I survive on about 5 hours sleep a night, haha) - the point is, I wouldn't have it any other way. If we didn't both work, we wouldn't be able to afford to do all the nice things we do together and I wouldn't be able to save money for her future. For me, giving her a good future is my whole point of existence. So to imply that I'm selfish for working is completely untrue - everything I do, I do with her in my mind. As I'm sure all parents do, it's just what I feel is best for my kid is different than what others feel is best for their kid. Life would be boring if we all were the same.

It's also really important to me that my daughter doesn't grow up with one parent who is always out working. By having two incomes, we are both able to stick to "normal" work schedules, meaning she gets lots of quality time with both of us. Spending time with mummy doesn't trump spending time with daddy. For me to be a SAHM my partner would need to work more than 35h/week and I wasn't willing to put him in that position. Consequently, he definitely does more of the parenting role than most dads do (everything is 50/50 on the parenting front in our house, which is great as we both get a break!)

I really wasn't being judgemental, I juat feel passionately that both parents should be able to do what's best for their family without others interfering. Whether that be both parents working full time, parents working opposite shifts, part time working, or a stay at home parent.

My circle of friends are nurses, Dr's, transplant co ordinator for our area and West mids, nationwide trainer for a bank, small business owner to name a few and they was all raised by sahm!!!!
You are actually coming across as rather arrogant and that your worth more than sahm because you work therefore your better than us!
My husband who works extremely hard for us to live as we do, florida every year, plus a week in the sun some where else and normal weekends away, and we own our house with only 12 years left on mortgage, only 32 years old! Yet apparently my children won't know that they have to work hard to achieve because they have a sahm!!!
My husband works the normal mon to Fri with maybe the odd weekend depending what's going out.

I don't expect my parents or my husbands parents to look after my children, the odd occasion is fine but they are not there children to raise.
We are very close to both sets before you say anything about relationships!


Like I said before, no one is ever going to agree on this subject, it's just how you came across that's got my back up.

Ps I also worked at 14, full time when I left school, manager by 19, so I have worked just so you know!

For me I don't want my partner to have to work "extremely hard" - I'd rather all duties are shared. So for us parenting is 50/50, housework is 50/50 and earning money is 50/50. When I was at home on maternity leave I definitely felt my partner got the raw end of the deal being out at work all day whilst I was at home playing games with our daughter. As I say, I only have one so I probably did have a competitively easy shift compared to parents who have multiple preschoolers, but still, I felt bad for him working hard all day while I was out galavanting in swing parks and soft plays. I also felt resentful that I did all the housework because quite frankly, I'm crap at it and I hate cleaning, it's boring.

When I said it depends on the relationship, I didn't mean how clean are you are, I meant that my parents told me even before I was pregnant that they would look after our kids when we got pregnant, it wasn't that I "expected" them to. They do it because they enjoy it! In our family, babysitting is a pleasure rather than a chore. I even offered to allow my mum to retire early and pay her childcare costs equal to her salary, so it isn't about entitlement. My parents had my great gran move in with them, then after she passed my parents had my grandparents and my grandpa still stays with them now. I speak to my mum maybe 5x per day and see her most days - as an extended family we are definitely more reliant on each other than most, but we don't perceive it as reliance, it's just our experience of how families are.

My point is that SAHMs have to rely on their partners financially. I don't want to have to rely on my partner for money, and I certainly don't want my daughter to grow up thinking that she needs to do so either. Also, if I have a son, I don't want them o feel pressured into getting a job that can support an entire family because that what men are expected to do. I want my kids (irrespective of gender) to know that getting a job which they enjoy is vital for their futures. I want my kids to know that childcare isn't just for people with vaginas. I want them to know that men don't have to provide for their families.

I don't think I'm better than SAHMs but it is definitely a better choice for MY family and I would not have had kids if I thought it meant I had to give up my identity to do so. My job is a massive part of who I am, second only to a mother. All I ever wanted was to become a teacher and be a mum.

Also, working part time isn't an option for me. I worked part time towards the end of my pregnancy (from 30 to 38 weeks) and then for a while when I got back from maternity leave. I found I did almost as much work as before dropping hours for half of the pay. Our ideal scenario is actually for both parents to work 3 days and to use nursery for 1 day for socialisation, but we found that I still had the same workload but compressed into less paid hours. My partner went part time and he actually works part time hours. I'm not saying both parents should work full time, but for me, I'd feel financially insecure relying on a single income (more so than two part-time incomes)

 

[zorak]

I get plenty of mental stimulation thank you 😀 and not just from peekaboo and peeling potatoes!!
I gave up a good paying job to stay at home so I can be at home with my children, whether or not I go back to work when they are older i don't know,I also know that I didn't have children to then have to depend on family members to look after my children, I just think how you come across saying that children especially girls need to see the mother working! What a load of rubbish imo!

You are entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to mines. I was brought up in a family where both parents worked full-time and I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, as did my cousins. My grandparents loved looking after us, and my parents love taking my kid too. IMO it takes more than just parents to raise kids, we have always been a close family and similarly I help my parents out a lot when they need help with things. It isn't like I just thought "to hell with it, I'll just have a baby and let my parents look after it all the time" - I guess it depends the type of relationship you have with your parents though.

And as for the working parent raising successful children thing, it has been studied by academics and peer reviewed so whilst you are entitled to disagree with it, it is scientifically proven to be correct so I will personally side with peer reviewed literature on that one. It was actually a huge deciding factor when it came to setting my working hours (and in my own life experience it is true - my friendship group are all successful doctors, dentists and teachers and none of us came from families where only one parent worked. But that is obviously just my experience)

When I was on maternity leave I craved the mental stimulation which I had at work. Whilst for some less career driven women this might be okay, I thrive off being on the go and don't really "relax" much. When at school I was in "top classes", worked two jobs (Mon-Thu 5-8pm in a call centre plus 9-6 Saturday and 10-5 Sunday in a clothes shop) plus ran a youth summer camp. I also worked two jobs through uni. I've worked since I was 14 so to me not having a paid job felt degrading and I hated relying on someone else for financial support when I had been self sufficient since around 16-17. When on maternity leave (and even now during school holidays) I feel that my days lack challenge.

I have stated several times that it's fine if a woman chooses to stay at home, it just REALLY isn't for me. Everyone does what they think is best for their kid. Working mums get so much judgement as if we are choosing to go to work because we can't be bothered to look after our kids. Others don't realise that all the things that they do for their kids are still done by working mums - I still cook three meals a day for her, I still wash all her clothes and take her out every single day, I still get her up every morning and bath her, get her ready for the day and then wash all the dishes and tidy the house and then get her ready for bed, do her bedtime story and then get her into bed. I just have to cram these things into a smaller space of time (and consequently I survive on about 5 hours sleep a night, haha) - the point is, I wouldn't have it any other way. If we didn't both work, we wouldn't be able to afford to do all the nice things we do together and I wouldn't be able to save money for her future. For me, giving her a good future is my whole point of existence. So to imply that I'm selfish for working is completely untrue - everything I do, I do with her in my mind. As I'm sure all parents do, it's just what I feel is best for my kid is different than what others feel is best for their kid. Life would be boring if we all were the same.

It's also really important to me that my daughter doesn't grow up with one parent who is always out working. By having two incomes, we are both able to stick to "normal" work schedules, meaning she gets lots of quality time with both of us. Spending time with mummy doesn't trump spending time with daddy. For me to be a SAHM my partner would need to work more than 35h/week and I wasn't willing to put him in that position. Consequently, he definitely does more of the parenting role than most dads do (everything is 50/50 on the parenting front in our house, which is great as we both get a break!)

I really wasn't being judgemental, I juat feel passionately that both parents should be able to do what's best for their family without others interfering. Whether that be both parents working full time, parents working opposite shifts, part time working, or a stay at home parent.

My circle of friends are nurses, Dr's, transplant co ordinator for our area and West mids, nationwide trainer for a bank, small business owner to name a few and they was all raised by sahm!!!!
You are actually coming across as rather arrogant and that your worth more than sahm because you work therefore your better than us!
My husband who works extremely hard for us to live as we do, florida every year, plus a week in the sun some where else and normal weekends away, and we own our house with only 12 years left on mortgage, only 32 years old! Yet apparently my children won't know that they have to work hard to achieve because they have a sahm!!!
My husband works the normal mon to Fri with maybe the odd weekend depending what's going out.

I don't expect my parents or my husbands parents to look after my children, the odd occasion is fine but they are not there children to raise.
We are very close to both sets before you say anything about relationships!


Like I said before, no one is ever going to agree on this subject, it's just how you came across that's got my back up.

Ps I also worked at 14, full time when I left school, manager by 19, so I have worked just so you know!

For me I don't want my partner to have to work "extremely hard" - I'd rather all duties are shared. So for us parenting is 50/50, housework is 50/50 and earning money is 50/50. When I was at home on maternity leave I definitely felt my partner got the raw end of the deal being out at work all day whilst I was at home playing games with our daughter. As I say, I only have one so I probably did have a competitively easy shift compared to parents who have multiple preschoolers, but still, I felt bad for him working hard all day while I was out galavanting in swing parks and soft plays. I also felt resentful that I did all the housework because quite frankly, I'm crap at it and I hate cleaning, it's boring.

When I said it depends on the relationship, I didn't mean how clean are you are, I meant that my parents told me even before I was pregnant that they would look after our kids when we got pregnant, it wasn't that I "expected" them to. They do it because they enjoy it! In our family, babysitting is a pleasure rather than a chore. I even offered to allow my mum to retire early and pay her childcare costs equal to her salary, so it isn't about entitlement. My parents had my great gran move in with them, then after she passed my parents had my grandparents and my grandpa still stays with them now. I speak to my mum maybe 5x per day and see her most days - as an extended family we are definitely more reliant on each other than most, but we don't perceive it as reliance, it's just our experience of how families are.

My point is that SAHMs have to rely on their partners financially. I don't want to have to rely on my partner for money, and I certainly don't want my daughter to grow up thinking that she needs to do so either. Also, if I have a son, I don't want them o feel pressured into getting a job that can support an entire family because that what men are expected to do. I want my kids (irrespective of gender) to know that getting a job which they enjoy is vital for their futures. I want my kids to know that childcare isn't just for people with vaginas. I want them to know that men don't have to provide for their families.

I don't think I'm better than SAHMs but it is definitely a better choice for MY family and I would not have had kids if I thought it meant I had to give up my identity to do so. My job is a massive part of who I am, second only to a mother. All I ever wanted was to become a teacher and be a mum.

Also, working part time isn't an option for me. I worked part time towards the end of my pregnancy (from 30 to 38 weeks) and then for a while when I got back from maternity leave. I found I did almost as much work as before dropping hours for half of the pay. Our ideal scenario is actually for both parents to work 3 days and to use nursery for 1 day for socialisation, but we found that I still had the same workload but compressed into less paid hours. My partner went part time and he actually works part time hours. I'm not saying both parents should work full time, but for me, I'd feel financially insecure relying on a single income (more so than two part-time incomes)

I don't see financial dependence as a bad thing, I guess it depends on the marriage. We've always been very open about finances.

I hate seeing tiny babies in nursery full time, if you have an extended family that can support you that's one thing but placing little babies in such sterile settings really doesn't sit well with me.

I'm fortunate, we don't depend on my income. My boys are now old enough to be apart from me but I'd hate it if they had to on a full time basis. That's why I feel so fortunate to work part time. It keeps my hands in and I still have the kids with me for the majority of the time.

 

[loeylo]

I get plenty of mental stimulation thank you 😀 and not just from peekaboo and peeling potatoes!!
I gave up a good paying job to stay at home so I can be at home with my children, whether or not I go back to work when they are older i don't know,I also know that I didn't have children to then have to depend on family members to look after my children, I just think how you come across saying that children especially girls need to see the mother working! What a load of rubbish imo!

You are entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to mines. I was brought up in a family where both parents worked full-time and I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, as did my cousins. My grandparents loved looking after us, and my parents love taking my kid too. IMO it takes more than just parents to raise kids, we have always been a close family and similarly I help my parents out a lot when they need help with things. It isn't like I just thought "to hell with it, I'll just have a baby and let my parents look after it all the time" - I guess it depends the type of relationship you have with your parents though.

And as for the working parent raising successful children thing, it has been studied by academics and peer reviewed so whilst you are entitled to disagree with it, it is scientifically proven to be correct so I will personally side with peer reviewed literature on that one. It was actually a huge deciding factor when it came to setting my working hours (and in my own life experience it is true - my friendship group are all successful doctors, dentists and teachers and none of us came from families where only one parent worked. But that is obviously just my experience)

When I was on maternity leave I craved the mental stimulation which I had at work. Whilst for some less career driven women this might be okay, I thrive off being on the go and don't really "relax" much. When at school I was in "top classes", worked two jobs (Mon-Thu 5-8pm in a call centre plus 9-6 Saturday and 10-5 Sunday in a clothes shop) plus ran a youth summer camp. I also worked two jobs through uni. I've worked since I was 14 so to me not having a paid job felt degrading and I hated relying on someone else for financial support when I had been self sufficient since around 16-17. When on maternity leave (and even now during school holidays) I feel that my days lack challenge.

I have stated several times that it's fine if a woman chooses to stay at home, it just REALLY isn't for me. Everyone does what they think is best for their kid. Working mums get so much judgement as if we are choosing to go to work because we can't be bothered to look after our kids. Others don't realise that all the things that they do for their kids are still done by working mums - I still cook three meals a day for her, I still wash all her clothes and take her out every single day, I still get her up every morning and bath her, get her ready for the day and then wash all the dishes and tidy the house and then get her ready for bed, do her bedtime story and then get her into bed. I just have to cram these things into a smaller space of time (and consequently I survive on about 5 hours sleep a night, haha) - the point is, I wouldn't have it any other way. If we didn't both work, we wouldn't be able to afford to do all the nice things we do together and I wouldn't be able to save money for her future. For me, giving her a good future is my whole point of existence. So to imply that I'm selfish for working is completely untrue - everything I do, I do with her in my mind. As I'm sure all parents do, it's just what I feel is best for my kid is different than what others feel is best for their kid. Life would be boring if we all were the same.

It's also really important to me that my daughter doesn't grow up with one parent who is always out working. By having two incomes, we are both able to stick to "normal" work schedules, meaning she gets lots of quality time with both of us. Spending time with mummy doesn't trump spending time with daddy. For me to be a SAHM my partner would need to work more than 35h/week and I wasn't willing to put him in that position. Consequently, he definitely does more of the parenting role than most dads do (everything is 50/50 on the parenting front in our house, which is great as we both get a break!)

I really wasn't being judgemental, I juat feel passionately that both parents should be able to do what's best for their family without others interfering. Whether that be both parents working full time, parents working opposite shifts, part time working, or a stay at home parent.

My circle of friends are nurses, Dr's, transplant co ordinator for our area and West mids, nationwide trainer for a bank, small business owner to name a few and they was all raised by sahm!!!!
You are actually coming across as rather arrogant and that your worth more than sahm because you work therefore your better than us!
My husband who works extremely hard for us to live as we do, florida every year, plus a week in the sun some where else and normal weekends away, and we own our house with only 12 years left on mortgage, only 32 years old! Yet apparently my children won't know that they have to work hard to achieve because they have a sahm!!!
My husband works the normal mon to Fri with maybe the odd weekend depending what's going out.

I don't expect my parents or my husbands parents to look after my children, the odd occasion is fine but they are not there children to raise.
We are very close to both sets before you say anything about relationships!


Like I said before, no one is ever going to agree on this subject, it's just how you came across that's got my back up.

Ps I also worked at 14, full time when I left school, manager by 19, so I have worked just so you know!

For me I don't want my partner to have to work "extremely hard" - I'd rather all duties are shared. So for us parenting is 50/50, housework is 50/50 and earning money is 50/50. When I was at home on maternity leave I definitely felt my partner got the raw end of the deal being out at work all day whilst I was at home playing games with our daughter. As I say, I only have one so I probably did have a competitively easy shift compared to parents who have multiple preschoolers, but still, I felt bad for him working hard all day while I was out galavanting in swing parks and soft plays. I also felt resentful that I did all the housework because quite frankly, I'm crap at it and I hate cleaning, it's boring.

When I said it depends on the relationship, I didn't mean how clean are you are, I meant that my parents told me even before I was pregnant that they would look after our kids when we got pregnant, it wasn't that I "expected" them to. They do it because they enjoy it! In our family, babysitting is a pleasure rather than a chore. I even offered to allow my mum to retire early and pay her childcare costs equal to her salary, so it isn't about entitlement. My parents had my great gran move in with them, then after she passed my parents had my grandparents and my grandpa still stays with them now. I speak to my mum maybe 5x per day and see her most days - as an extended family we are definitely more reliant on each other than most, but we don't perceive it as reliance, it's just our experience of how families are.

My point is that SAHMs have to rely on their partners financially. I don't want to have to rely on my partner for money, and I certainly don't want my daughter to grow up thinking that she needs to do so either. Also, if I have a son, I don't want them o feel pressured into getting a job that can support an entire family because that what men are expected to do. I want my kids (irrespective of gender) to know that getting a job which they enjoy is vital for their futures. I want my kids to know that childcare isn't just for people with vaginas. I want them to know that men don't have to provide for their families.

I don't think I'm better than SAHMs but it is definitely a better choice for MY family and I would not have had kids if I thought it meant I had to give up my identity to do so. My job is a massive part of who I am, second only to a mother. All I ever wanted was to become a teacher and be a mum.

Also, working part time isn't an option for me. I worked part time towards the end of my pregnancy (from 30 to 38 weeks) and then for a while when I got back from maternity leave. I found I did almost as much work as before dropping hours for half of the pay. Our ideal scenario is actually for both parents to work 3 days and to use nursery for 1 day for socialisation, but we found that I still had the same workload but compressed into less paid hours. My partner went part time and he actually works part time hours. I'm not saying both parents should work full time, but for me, I'd feel financially insecure relying on a single income (more so than two part-time incomes)

I don't see financial dependence as a bad thing, I guess it depends on the marriage. We've always been very open about finances.

I hate seeing tiny babies in nursery full time, if you have an extended family that can support you that's one thing but placing little babies in such sterile settings really doesn't sit well with me.

I'm fortunate, we don't depend on my income. My boys are now old enough to be apart from me but I'd hate it if they had to on a full time basis. That's why I feel so fortunate to work part time. It keeps my hands in and I still have the kids with me for the majority of the time.

We are open with money too, both of our wages go into a joint account and all bills come out the joint account too, we can both spend from the account whenever we want, but i definitely wouldn't feel the same entitlement to free spending as I would if I wasn't paying into the account. I know this from experience of when I was a supply teacher and didn't get paid over holidays and suchlike.

I also don't feel comfortable sending a really small child to nursery. We didn't even try Gracie until she turned 1, and even then we pulled her back out quickly as she wasn't settling at all. We are going to try her again shortly in a different nursery - she will be 22 months before she starts going properly. I feel completely comfortable leaving her now, but here in the U.K. We can take up to a year off for maternity leave so for the majority of working mums they don't NEED to use nursery until the child is 1. I understand this isn't the case in the USA or other countries.

I noticed you mentioned that you are a teacher. How do you find working part time? It might be different for primary school vs secondary school, but in my experience they timetabled classes so that I was there to teach the upper school classes. Consequently I had almost the same amount of marking and planning to do as I did when working full-time. I was being paid 0.7 FTE and probably working at least 30 hours per week as opposed to the 24.5 which I was paid for. I know that 35h weeks are a bit of a pipe dream for teachers anyway but I definitely felt I worked way more at home than I did when I was full time.

 

[zorak]

I get plenty of mental stimulation thank you 😀 and not just from peekaboo and peeling potatoes!!
I gave up a good paying job to stay at home so I can be at home with my children, whether or not I go back to work when they are older i don't know,I also know that I didn't have children to then have to depend on family members to look after my children, I just think how you come across saying that children especially girls need to see the mother working! What a load of rubbish imo!

You are entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to mines. I was brought up in a family where both parents worked full-time and I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, as did my cousins. My grandparents loved looking after us, and my parents love taking my kid too. IMO it takes more than just parents to raise kids, we have always been a close family and similarly I help my parents out a lot when they need help with things. It isn't like I just thought "to hell with it, I'll just have a baby and let my parents look after it all the time" - I guess it depends the type of relationship you have with your parents though.

And as for the working parent raising successful children thing, it has been studied by academics and peer reviewed so whilst you are entitled to disagree with it, it is scientifically proven to be correct so I will personally side with peer reviewed literature on that one. It was actually a huge deciding factor when it came to setting my working hours (and in my own life experience it is true - my friendship group are all successful doctors, dentists and teachers and none of us came from families where only one parent worked. But that is obviously just my experience)

When I was on maternity leave I craved the mental stimulation which I had at work. Whilst for some less career driven women this might be okay, I thrive off being on the go and don't really "relax" much. When at school I was in "top classes", worked two jobs (Mon-Thu 5-8pm in a call centre plus 9-6 Saturday and 10-5 Sunday in a clothes shop) plus ran a youth summer camp. I also worked two jobs through uni. I've worked since I was 14 so to me not having a paid job felt degrading and I hated relying on someone else for financial support when I had been self sufficient since around 16-17. When on maternity leave (and even now during school holidays) I feel that my days lack challenge.

I have stated several times that it's fine if a woman chooses to stay at home, it just REALLY isn't for me. Everyone does what they think is best for their kid. Working mums get so much judgement as if we are choosing to go to work because we can't be bothered to look after our kids. Others don't realise that all the things that they do for their kids are still done by working mums - I still cook three meals a day for her, I still wash all her clothes and take her out every single day, I still get her up every morning and bath her, get her ready for the day and then wash all the dishes and tidy the house and then get her ready for bed, do her bedtime story and then get her into bed. I just have to cram these things into a smaller space of time (and consequently I survive on about 5 hours sleep a night, haha) - the point is, I wouldn't have it any other way. If we didn't both work, we wouldn't be able to afford to do all the nice things we do together and I wouldn't be able to save money for her future. For me, giving her a good future is my whole point of existence. So to imply that I'm selfish for working is completely untrue - everything I do, I do with her in my mind. As I'm sure all parents do, it's just what I feel is best for my kid is different than what others feel is best for their kid. Life would be boring if we all were the same.

It's also really important to me that my daughter doesn't grow up with one parent who is always out working. By having two incomes, we are both able to stick to "normal" work schedules, meaning she gets lots of quality time with both of us. Spending time with mummy doesn't trump spending time with daddy. For me to be a SAHM my partner would need to work more than 35h/week and I wasn't willing to put him in that position. Consequently, he definitely does more of the parenting role than most dads do (everything is 50/50 on the parenting front in our house, which is great as we both get a break!)

I really wasn't being judgemental, I juat feel passionately that both parents should be able to do what's best for their family without others interfering. Whether that be both parents working full time, parents working opposite shifts, part time working, or a stay at home parent.

My circle of friends are nurses, Dr's, transplant co ordinator for our area and West mids, nationwide trainer for a bank, small business owner to name a few and they was all raised by sahm!!!!
You are actually coming across as rather arrogant and that your worth more than sahm because you work therefore your better than us!
My husband who works extremely hard for us to live as we do, florida every year, plus a week in the sun some where else and normal weekends away, and we own our house with only 12 years left on mortgage, only 32 years old! Yet apparently my children won't know that they have to work hard to achieve because they have a sahm!!!
My husband works the normal mon to Fri with maybe the odd weekend depending what's going out.

I don't expect my parents or my husbands parents to look after my children, the odd occasion is fine but they are not there children to raise.
We are very close to both sets before you say anything about relationships!


Like I said before, no one is ever going to agree on this subject, it's just how you came across that's got my back up.

Ps I also worked at 14, full time when I left school, manager by 19, so I have worked just so you know!

For me I don't want my partner to have to work "extremely hard" - I'd rather all duties are shared. So for us parenting is 50/50, housework is 50/50 and earning money is 50/50. When I was at home on maternity leave I definitely felt my partner got the raw end of the deal being out at work all day whilst I was at home playing games with our daughter. As I say, I only have one so I probably did have a competitively easy shift compared to parents who have multiple preschoolers, but still, I felt bad for him working hard all day while I was out galavanting in swing parks and soft plays. I also felt resentful that I did all the housework because quite frankly, I'm crap at it and I hate cleaning, it's boring.

When I said it depends on the relationship, I didn't mean how clean are you are, I meant that my parents told me even before I was pregnant that they would look after our kids when we got pregnant, it wasn't that I "expected" them to. They do it because they enjoy it! In our family, babysitting is a pleasure rather than a chore. I even offered to allow my mum to retire early and pay her childcare costs equal to her salary, so it isn't about entitlement. My parents had my great gran move in with them, then after she passed my parents had my grandparents and my grandpa still stays with them now. I speak to my mum maybe 5x per day and see her most days - as an extended family we are definitely more reliant on each other than most, but we don't perceive it as reliance, it's just our experience of how families are.

My point is that SAHMs have to rely on their partners financially. I don't want to have to rely on my partner for money, and I certainly don't want my daughter to grow up thinking that she needs to do so either. Also, if I have a son, I don't want them o feel pressured into getting a job that can support an entire family because that what men are expected to do. I want my kids (irrespective of gender) to know that getting a job which they enjoy is vital for their futures. I want my kids to know that childcare isn't just for people with vaginas. I want them to know that men don't have to provide for their families.

I don't think I'm better than SAHMs but it is definitely a better choice for MY family and I would not have had kids if I thought it meant I had to give up my identity to do so. My job is a massive part of who I am, second only to a mother. All I ever wanted was to become a teacher and be a mum.

Also, working part time isn't an option for me. I worked part time towards the end of my pregnancy (from 30 to 38 weeks) and then for a while when I got back from maternity leave. I found I did almost as much work as before dropping hours for half of the pay. Our ideal scenario is actually for both parents to work 3 days and to use nursery for 1 day for socialisation, but we found that I still had the same workload but compressed into less paid hours. My partner went part time and he actually works part time hours. I'm not saying both parents should work full time, but for me, I'd feel financially insecure relying on a single income (more so than two part-time incomes)

I don't see financial dependence as a bad thing, I guess it depends on the marriage. We've always been very open about finances.

I hate seeing tiny babies in nursery full time, if you have an extended family that can support you that's one thing but placing little babies in such sterile settings really doesn't sit well with me.

I'm fortunate, we don't depend on my income. My boys are now old enough to be apart from me but I'd hate it if they had to on a full time basis. That's why I feel so fortunate to work part time. It keeps my hands in and I still have the kids with me for the majority of the time.

We are open with money too, both of our wages go into a joint account and all bills come out the joint account too, we can both spend from the account whenever we want, but i definitely wouldn't feel the same entitlement to free spending as I would if I wasn't paying into the account. I know this from experience of when I was a supply teacher and didn't get paid over holidays and suchlike.

I also don't feel comfortable sending a really small child to nursery. We didn't even try Gracie until she turned 1, and even then we pulled her back out quickly as she wasn't settling at all. We are going to try her again shortly in a different nursery - she will be 22 months before she starts going properly. I feel completely comfortable leaving her now, but here in the U.K. We can take up to a year off for maternity leave so for the majority of working mums they don't NEED to use nursery until the child is 1. I understand this isn't the case in the USA or other countries.

I noticed you mentioned that you are a teacher. How do you find working part time? It might be different for primary school vs secondary school, but in my experience they timetabled classes so that I was there to teach the upper school classes. Consequently I had almost the same amount of marking and planning to do as I did when working full-time. I was being paid 0.7 FTE and probably working at least 30 hours per week as opposed to the 24.5 which I was paid for. I know that 35h weeks are a bit of a pipe dream for teachers anyway but I definitely felt I worked way more at home than I did when I was full time.

I think we are on a similar page. I've just recently started doing 0.4FTE. I do do work at home but don't think it's astronomical (I'm Primary), long term I like the fact It keeps my hand in. At the end of the day my childcare is covered and I am making money so I'm happy with that.

 

[lau86]

I thinks lots of people see working part time as the best of both worlds. I find that I am really suffering working part time, I work 3 days a week and don't get the same benefits as a full timer. I've tried to bring this up but attitudes are not great towards part timers.
Then on my days off I take care of the children single handedly. I swap and change between these roles and it's very difficult.
Working full time or being a sahm would at least mean i have only one job!!
That's just my situation of course.
All in all I put too much pressure on myself, I wish we could all just do our thing without feeling a judgement. My children are happy, my bank balance is happy but there is no doubt that I am paying the price

 

[Koifish]

I am currently a working mom who would love to be a stay at home mom. I enjoy working and my job but I hate missing out on time with my boys! I'd love to homeschool when they hit middleschool. Unfortunately I do not have a choice I must work or we would financially sink, I am glad I like my job, plus I need the benefits. He is working hard going back to school and work FT to move up and get more pay as he wants the same. It's very hard I miss them a lot but I think of how much it helps financially and the things I can show and teach my kids from my job plus the perks of free memberships keeps me going. Plus as I mentioned I do enjoy my job. It's a very hard position to be in or try to figure out. Do what you think is best! If you have the option to stay home and enjoy it then go for it! If you enjoy your job then I would stay and give it a shot.

 

[lau86]

I was thinking of giving up my job and changing my lifestyle, like you say koi fish, often working means we can afford different things for our children. I wouldn't be able to do that if I didn't work. Anyway, I said to my eldest son, would you prefer me not to work and be at home all the time and miss out on some treats, or do you prefer me to work and have the treats? (I do work part time so it's not like I'm away all the time). But he said, no, I like the treats and I like nanny and grandma picking me up from school. I'm not sure he fully understood the question and the implications but it was quite comforting that he enjoys things at the moment

 

[catty]

Every situation is different but for me i make absolutely NOTHING if i put my 3 children into nursery as in NOTHING. would you work for free is probably the question to be asked if you ever see a SAHM and think there 'lazy'
i have no family that would or could help. My dad has retired and said absolutely not and i dont even blame him he should enjoy his retirement.

i am craving to go to work. I am feeling absolutely haggared looking after 3 children all day. I dont find it easy, i dont sit around twiddling my thumbs i make sure to give myself a lunch break and a coffee break but apart from that im on the go from 6am until 4.30pm when we pick up OH then i just have the dinner to make etc whilst he plays with kids.

If i was you OP id make a list and decide only you can make the choice, who cares what MIL thinks. In 5 years you could be earning more than your husband who knows! But for now whils there little you need to decide what works best for you xx