Gutted

[laurac1988]

So I TTC fora year last year and had one early miscarriage in that time. We are taking a break until October and my DP has decided she wants to try. With her being the older of the two of us I know I should be ok with it, because if it was me I would hope she would let me go first because of age.

But I'm gutted. I know this is bratty, but I wanted to have our first baby. I wanted to be pregnant first. I guess as she used to be so set against the idea I have taken for granted that it would be me first.

I know this doesn't rule out me having a baby in the future, but we only really want one. I worry if I'll ever get my chance. I know any baby we have will be both of ours, but I worry none stop about how people won't see me as a parent and such. Having a baby for me is partly about getting pregnant and carrying that new life.

I dunno. I'm just feeling bad about it. I feel like I've lost something, even though I never had it

 

[USAF_WIFE]

I know I am not a same sex parent but I wanted to offer this up to you hun. It is not bratty its a normal feeling! My husbands aunts wanted only one child and decided that the one did not want to be pregnant... WELL here they are now with a 5 and 2 year old guess what? The other decided after not wanting that she was going to go ahead and have another. I think you should tell your partner how you feel and I don't think two babies should be out of the question since both of you want to experience it. Also there is mom and mama in their home they are both known as mommies and all our family and their friends see it that way. OH and they both used the same donor so the children are related even if its just by daddy. *hugs*

 

[MariposaTam]

That stinks Laurac- I'm with you I'm not the one up first for ours, and its also because I'm the youngest of us. I am jealous of my partner because I never imagined that by 28 I still would not have my own baby.

We have always planned on having 2, and I always knew she wanted to be pregnant but it doesn't make it easier.Her having a baby first pushes my baby back farther because of financial reasons and us wanting an age gap. It's looking like I'll be 32 before I can even try to be pregnant myself, and so much can happen between now and then

I also worry about being seen as the baby's parent-especially since I am Hispanic and OH is white. I guarantee I'll be looked at as the nanny plenty of times. I guess I look forward to my OH being pregnant by keeping myself as involved as possible-encouraging her, charting with her- sharing everything in this journey together.

I suppose its just a little bit easier for me because I work with babies, and I understand how strong of a bond anyone can form with a baby within even a few short weeks of taking care of them. I know that actually going through the process and actually caring for the baby 24/7 will form an even stronger bond and I will feel like a mother; regardless of whether that baby was in my womb or not.

Sigh-wish I could help more but I just wanted to share that I know how you feel!!

 

[larvalstalker]

My best friends are debating on who wants to have the first baby and so far it seems the the older of the two is going to carry first. The younger of the two says she is ok with this but she seems a little hurt and a little anxious. I think she wants to have the first one.
I think you two should certainly sit down and talk it out.

 

[chickenlegs]

I am not the biological mother of our baby (Billy is 1 year old now) and that was not how things were meant to be - we wanted to share the pregnancy (one carrying, the other donating) but due to our AMH levels ( if anyone wants to know more specific reasons, please message and I will be happy to explain) we pretty much had no choice. I was obviously upset, but just accepted that we wanted a baby and the way that gave us the highest chance was through my partner carrying and giving birth. We got our way - we had a baby on our first try and I have NEVER regretted the decision that we made. He is the light of my life ( I know that is a cliche, but I mean it) and I have never seen him as anything other than my baby. Be upset, obviously, but dont think that you wont be having a baby because you will. My biggest worry would be, if you dont think you can see him/her as yours, that is when you need to be talking to your partner. Cos motherhood is a partnership. Without a doubt. Regardless of biology.

 

[laurac1988]

Thanks guys

I think it's just a different situation that will take some getting used to. I don't want to do the donating to both of us thing. Just want one of us to catch first and I think that is easier if we are concentrating on just one of us.

It's just a little difficult letting go of something that we have dreamt about in a certain way. We have imagined it a certain way and that is changing. I have had concerns about my fertility in the last but I'm not sure how much firm foundation they actually have considering the dubious nature of my previous donor.

But that's ok because it is love that makes a family, not biology.

Amy and I have discussed this long as hard and she really wants to carry. The way I see it is, if I were the older one I would expect to go first, so it is fair enough. If after we have our first one I still desperately want to carry, we will just (hopefully) expand our family.

 

[MariposaTam]

I am glad to hear you guys talked it over. I'll keep my fingers crossed that all goes well for you 2

 

[chickenlegs]

Good luck, hope it goes well!