Has anyone laid down rules with FOB?

[suzanne108]

I'm just wondering if anyone has laid down rules in writing to the FOB.

There are a few things I want him to be aware of....will give a few examples.

He lives 150 miles away, so I expect him to travel up to the baby, I don't think its fair if he expects me to be driving down there. If I do ever need to drive down there for any reason then I expect him to re-imburse my petrol costs.

If he starts dating and gets a girlfriend. I don't want him to introduce his gf to the baby until they've been together at least ? months and he thinks it is serious. I will apply the same rule to myself.

His family smoke ALOT and I don't want the baby to be around that, if LO was down there with him I wouldn't want her and all her things coming back stinking of smoke.

There a few things...I need to think about them properly but I'm just wondering whether its normal/proper to state "rules". At least then he knows where he stands (and I have something to throw back in his face if he ever puts a foot wrong!!)

Has anyone else done this? Or planning on doing it? How have you done it, or how do you plan on doing it? Via letter, email??

What sort of rules have you come up with?

Thanks!! xx

 

[purpledahlia]

umm.. i think if the FOB does stay in touch i will do some kind of rules, but i think itll be much more formal, in the way of an agreement via solicitors. I dont want any trouble. I am also going to make a living will and ill let him know what my intentions are for baby if i die, as i dont want world war 3 between him and my family if something did happen to me. But then again.. he might not be around. Good idea, but be carefull it doesnt sound like an attack on him when you send it, he might get very defensive if he just gets an email out the blue telling him all these rules that as a guy hes bound to disagree with.

 

[suzanne108]

umm.. i think if the FOB does stay in touch i will do some kind of rules, but i think itll be much more formal, in the way of an agreement via solicitors. I dont want any trouble. I am also going to make a living will and ill let him know what my intentions are for baby if i die, as i dont want world war 3 between him and my family if something did happen to me. But then again.. he might not be around. Good idea, but be carefull it doesnt sound like an attack on him when you send it, he might get very defensive if he just gets an email out the blue telling him all these rules that as a guy hes bound to disagree with.

I know, well thats what I'm thinking. I would need to be VERY careful about wording etc if I did decide to do it that way.

I hadn't thought about using a solicitor to be honest...

I suppose its better to just see how things pan out when LO arrives, upto now he hasn't really been in touch much apart from the odd weird text...even when he does get in touch though it isn't to ask me how I am or how the pregnancy is going! I do get the feeling that he'll be waltzing straight back into my life when LO arrives...

Its just all confusing and I don't know the right way to go about things

 

[xxannxx]

Me and my ex have access sorted out for him and LO through solicitor, and he knows HE has responsibility to pick LO up and drop him back as it is his visit not mine. Since i got my driving license i do at times either drop off or pick up but not often as it isn't my responsibility and ex would take complete advantage if i did it everytime. As for other things, we do have an understanding that neither of us want the other introducing new partners to LO unless we are serious with the person and believe the relationship has a future. I think if you can its worth letting ex know what you expect from him, and having access sorted properly, it does make things a little easier. However, from experience (my LO is 3 now) there will always be new 'rules' to add as you get to see each others parenting styles.

 

[bloodbinds]

We have pretty much done that this weekend gone. We were supposed to be seeing how we felt about each other etc and we both agreed we're better off as friends, so we decided to talk about 'rules' though we didn't name it as that.

He smokes, but he already has a little girl and never smokes in front of her, so i know he won't do it in front of ours.
He wants to see our child when he sees his other little girl, as her gets her every other weekend and wants every other weekend to himself, not to see his other child - i told him may not be possible at first because he will be travelling to birmingham to see LO and can not bring his other child along for several reasons. So he has told me he would rather only see our little girl once a month in that case so he can have at least one weekend to himself in the month! (when do i get my weekends off then?! Cheeky bugger)

Basically as long as the baby doesn't interfer too much with his social life, then he's happy to see her and play happy families.

We have both agreed we won't introduce LO to other partners unless we think it is serious - again, i know he will stick with this as he didnt let me meet his other little girl until i moved in and things were serious - so thats ok.

 

[Perdita]

He wants to see our child when he sees his other little girl, as her gets her every other weekend and wants every other weekend to himself, not to see his other child - i told him may not be possible at first because he will be travelling to birmingham to see LO and can not bring his other child along for several reasons. So he has told me he would rather only see our little girl once a month in that case so he can have at least one weekend to himself in the month! (when do i get my weekends off then?! Cheeky bugger)

Basically as long as the baby doesn't interfer too much with his social life, then he's happy to see her and play happy families.

OMG that is such a male reaction!!! I go further than cheeky bugger! That is all about things being on his terms! Lazy git! Make sure you have things on your terms and if he doesn't stick to arrangements there are consequences! He only wants to see her once a month???? I know some dads that are seperated that would hate that because they actually love their kids and don't see them as an inconvenience to their social lives!
Men - can't live with them, can't be bothered digging the hole to bury the body!

 

[suzanne108]

He wants to see our child when he sees his other little girl, as her gets her every other weekend and wants every other weekend to himself, not to see his other child - i told him may not be possible at first because he will be travelling to birmingham to see LO and can not bring his other child along for several reasons. So he has told me he would rather only see our little girl once a month in that case so he can have at least one weekend to himself in the month! (when do i get my weekends off then?! Cheeky bugger)

Basically as long as the baby doesn't interfer too much with his social life, then he's happy to see her and play happy families.

OMG that is such a male reaction!!! I go further than cheeky bugger! That is all about things being on his terms! Lazy git! Make sure you have things on your terms and if he doesn't stick to arrangements there are consequences! He only wants to see her once a month???? I know some dads that are seperated that would hate that because they actually love their kids and don't see them as an inconvenience to their social lives!
Men - can't live with them, can't be bothered digging the hole to bury the body!

I LOVE that end quote....in fact if you don't mind I might add it to my siggy

 

[Perdita]

Feel free!

 

[Perdita]

my favourite prayer especially when feeling very hormonal!
Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the strength to change the things I can change
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had kill today because they pissed me off!
Amen

 

[suzanne108]

my favourite prayer especially when feeling very hormonal!
Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the strength to change the things I can change
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had kill today because they pissed me off!
Amen

 

[bloodbinds]

He wants to see our child when he sees his other little girl, as her gets her every other weekend and wants every other weekend to himself, not to see his other child - i told him may not be possible at first because he will be travelling to birmingham to see LO and can not bring his other child along for several reasons. So he has told me he would rather only see our little girl once a month in that case so he can have at least one weekend to himself in the month! (when do i get my weekends off then?! Cheeky bugger)

Basically as long as the baby doesn't interfer too much with his social life, then he's happy to see her and play happy families.

OMG that is such a male reaction!!! I go further than cheeky bugger! That is all about things being on his terms! Lazy git! Make sure you have things on your terms and if he doesn't stick to arrangements there are consequences! He only wants to see her once a month???? I know some dads that are seperated that would hate that because they actually love their kids and don't see them as an inconvenience to their social lives!
Men - can't live with them, can't be bothered digging the hole to bury the body!

Ohhh, tell me about it! Haha. I'm hoping when he meets our child he will want to spend more time with her and see her more than once a month but apprently right now he's 'having lots of fun being free and single' - god forbid our child gets in the way of that!! Grrrr.

Also loving that end quote!

 

[DizzyMoo]

So he wants to see 1st child twice a month but 2nd child once a month? Yeh right , get him slapped hun.

With regards to ops rules, i certainly wouldn't write down a list like that without a solicitor, I'd say it all face to face or on the phone etc , but would defo speak to a solicitor about written rules.

 

[xJG30]

My ex rarely sees his son as he lives 200ish miles away but if he ever does want to see him, he can make the effort and come here tbh.

 

[bloodbinds]

So he wants to see 1st child twice a month but 2nd child once a month? Yeh right , get him slapped hun.

His first child lives 3 doors down from him - his 2nd child will live 200 miles from him - way too much hassle obviously :-/

 

[DizzyMoo]

Its not on though is it hun, i'd fight to the death to see my children no matter where they are. Tbh if it was me i'd say either more visits or not at all, Once a month is just like any other stranger walking in, or a friend you rarely see not a daddy. Tell him to sod off or pull his socks up & make an effort at least once a fortnight & that's at least x