Has doctor been this rude to you?/Worst appt EVER

[5Miracles]

DH and I just got home from a fertility visit with a local OBGYN. I researched this doctor, had found him to have glowing reviews about his demeanor & bedside manner, so I made this appt a week ago, and we went today. He practically did everything except physically escort us out of his office once he learned I am 41.

He went into every stat he could rattle off the top of his head about difficulties not only with getting pregnant over 35, but difficulties in having a healthy baby at all---and then ended with if we wanted, he would give us a referral to a specialist if we wanted to look into IVF, since (in his exact words) "It makes more sense to have a 20-something egg as a donor so you can have a healthy baby" and taking a chance otherwise, we could "have a baby that would be a problem for (our) family".

I stayed polite, but when DH and I got to the car, DH exploded. I was (and still am) numb...I'd appreciate thoughts from other ladies here---was he being the voice of reason, or being a negative Nellie....(?) I KNOW the stats...however, I had hope...if I hadn't been told by a previous OBGYN a few years back that he wouldn't even consider me a "high risk" pregnancy until I was 44 (and that, he said, was case-by-case), I think I'd just give it all up.

 

[broodymrs]

Omg that is so rude! Fair enough tell you the risks but no need to be rude about it. In my antenatal class I was the youngest but everyone else ranged from mid 30's to late 40's. My sil just had a baby in her early 40's. All the babies are healthy and tbh they all handled pregnancy than I did, the supposed youngster among them! I'd switch Drs tbh. Yes there's risks as you get older but you can be factual and polite and it's perfectly possible to have a healthy pregnancy and baby

 

[Eleonora]

I got pregnant at the age of 41 on the first cycle TTC (and we only even got in one try on the day of ovulation!). If you are fertile, you are fertile - - or rather, it only takes one good egg. My doctor wasn't at all surprised that I got pregnant quickly and hasn't treated me differently because of my age. Now I am 28 weeks along and so far all the tests are good. In my prenatal class there is another 42 year old (so out of 10 of us, 2 are over 40) but she did the IVF route after years of trying. It sounds like your doctor is trying to keep his personal success rate statistics high by discouraging older moms before they even figure out what their problems might be. Half the time it is the man's problem anyway! Find another doctor!

 

[lunamoona]

Some doctors have a really bad attitude, I think it's the ones that are rude in their private lives too!

I first went to my GP when I was 38, he was lovely and ordered all the blood tests for me and a SA for my DH and set up our appointment with the specialist for 6 weeks time.

When we arrived for our appointment the waiting room was shared with the scanning department so we had to sit with all the pregnant ladies getting their scans. Our appointment was an hour and a half late so we had a lot of excited, happy ladies all around us. How inappropriate of the hospital, infertile people don't need it rubbed in their faces like that.

The specialist was horrendous, exasperated that I was bothering her with my ridiculous desire to have a child at my age. She told me the bloods I'd had done were very comprehensive but she wanted them done again, bye, make an appointment on your way out. I think she must tip off her receptionist which people she doesn't want to help as the next available appointment was 5 months away! We went back and were told that she wanted more bloods done, make an appointment on your way out. The next appointment was 9 months away! Hello, clock ticking!! 9 months later she wanted more bloods done, next appointment 9 months away. After her basically doing sod all for nearly 2 years she said I could have an IUI. One week before the procedure at now age 40 I got my first in my life BFP which resulted in me giving birth to DS1 at 41.

Second time trying only took 18 months with a couple of losses along the way but resulted in DS2 aged 43. I am now TTC again age 46, although I don't think I will be successful this time.

I'm sorry you had such a poor experience, I really think it is just luck of the draw whether you get a decent human being or just a poor excuse for one. I am not a super healthy person, I'm quite a bit overweight but I still managed to pop out 2 very healthy children. In this day and age it is perfectly possible to have children in your forties, even if you do need a bit of help. I wish you all the luck in the world.

 

[5Miracles]

Thank you SO much, ladies.

Eleonora---CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! Here are many wishes and prayers for a healthy rest of your pregnancy and a healthy delivery for you and your little one

Broodymrs--WOW, that is so encouraging!!!

I just disconnected yesterday--and ate an entire french bread baguette, lol. I had the hardest time sleeping last night, just going over other things he said...like when I showed him the prenatals I am taking---I found a specific brand that has "35+" prenatal vitamins, and I was so happy to have found them!---showing them to him, his reply was "You don't need all this---all you need is folic acid." Good thing I didn't tell him about the CoQ10 and Bee Pollen capsules I'm taking as well

I may just go back across town to that other OBGYN I went to a few years back...I'm all for telling the truth, but d*mn, the one I saw yesterday wasn't merely 'advising', he was killing dreams...what a mean heart to do that!!!

Thank you both again....

 

[5Miracles]

lunamoona--OMGOSH--holy crap! That is AWFUL--and to drag out the timeframe like that---how hateful and just downright manipulative! And 38 isn't even close to "old"!!!!

You're prolly right--he's prolly a tool in his real life too, lol. I'm trying to be 'mature' and just chalk it up to 'getting a bad apple', but I still can't seem to reconcile all the great reviews and then meeting him in person....whoa. I am THRILLED you had your 2 little ones when it seemed like things were against you---LOVE LOVE LOVE hearing stories like yours!!! AND, I am praying/wishing/keeping fingers crossed for you---if Halle Berry and Sophie B Hawkins and several other mamas can be 46+ when having healthy babies then I pray you can and will too

 

[lunamoona]

Thanks 5Miracles, I'm giving it all I've got as I really have nothing to lose.

I found a great book about increasing your egg quality called It Starts with the Egg by Rebecca Fett. It is very comprehensive and all the information comes from actual clinical trials which she lists in the book. She lists many supplements that are beneficial including the Coq10 you are already taking.

Your useless doctor is just another obstacle on your journey but one that is very easy to overcome.

 

[c beary83]

That is so rude. I think you should report him.

My specialist is the other way - he said I'm not old at all (39 this year) and said we should just carry on trying naturally - basically implying we were being impatient after 2 years ttc!!!

 

[5Miracles]

C beary 83---WOW--that is a wonderful difference in what we experienced! I am thrilled that there are more doctors out there seeing that the parameters of age have definitely changed! Thinking you may have been impatient after 2 years may have been stretching things a bit because I know that seeing BFNs for 24 months had to be more than hard...but otherwise, I love his attitude.

Like lunamoona said, finding one useless doctor in the grand scheme of things I can and will overcome---I am just floored that a doc with such a positive reputation went so low...maybe he was having a bad day, or maybe (& I think this is the case)--he is predisposed to be negative towards 'older' moms and that's his downfall. Look around you, mister---SO MANY women are waiting until later in life to start their families for a plethora of reasons and are having healthy kiddoes too.

My mom was 39 when I was born...and as a result, I think that shaped my thinking in a positive way

 

[ttc bubby no2]

Some (many!) doctors have terrible people skills. I have found the fertility doctors I have seen to not be that positive and they like to give you the harsh facts which aren't always positive. The one I saw for DS1 told me not to expect to get pregnant first try of clomid (I did) and then next time said don't expect it to happen again (it did, although I miscarried that one). He was mr negativity though.

My GP also likes to tell me how old I am now and it will make it hard getting pregnant and to stay pregnant (this was last year at 35).

Sorry you have to deal with that negativity. I hope you get your BFP very soon.

 

[Rags]

He's worried about others perseptions of his results, you will probably find if you look into him that he has very good numbers of healthy live births because he only takes on certain patients, it's all about numbers to him, not people. I was very lucky to be treated for my iui by a clinic that didn't worry that i was 40, 41 when I gave birth, they were proud to show their statistics, not all of them amazing but all of them representing real chances that they had offered to women who might have been turned away from other clinics because of age, health etc. At no point did anyone suggest to me 'younger eggs' or that I was putting a babies health at risk being older, let's face it women have been successfully having babies well into their 40's throughout time, why should we suddenly be treated as though we a wrong for trying

 

[Katie Potatie]

He sounds like an old school Doctor with terrible bed-side manner. At my OBGYN's office, they don't even classify a woman as " Advanced maternal age" unless they are 41 WITH another health complication like diabetes or heart condition, etc. You know the stats...you just need to find a doctor who is happy to work WITH you! Best of luck!

 

[iluvcocopops]

I was a threatened miscarriage. My mum had a hormome inbalance that meant the placenta would start to break away. She miscarried 5 babies & my sister & I were threatened miscarriages. When mum was rushed to hospital at 8wks with me, the doctor told her to lie back & let 'it' come away because the baby would be badly handicapped. Mum was furious & chased the doctor out of the room & demanded a second opinion. She was put on hormome injections & ordered to have complete bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy.

I was a big healthy 8lb baby & there wasn't wrong with me. Sometimes you need to follow your instinct & ignore the doctors.

Good luck & I hope you are all blessed with little bundles of joy xxx

 

[5Miracles]

why should we suddenly be treated as though we a wrong for trying

YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!

wow Katie Potatie--where do I sign up? LOL!

Iluvcocopops--I LOVE your mom and never even met her!

And when did 35 get "old"?!? I know that's the 'golden number' where we get picked on but personally, I think it's a load of crap.

 

[iluvcocopops]

Yes my mum is a star! She sacrificed everything to have me & she is my best friend.

35 isn't old, we have got years left in the baby making game. Plus once you hit 35 you are more likely to have twins 😀

 

[5Miracles]

Plus once you hit 35 you are more likely to have twins 😀

HA!--love it!...would have 0% problem with (winkhappyface)

 

[Katie Potatie]

Ha! I'm in an area of Nashville where people just tend to be older and more established before having kids, so I think this office is accustomed to having moms and women TTC that aren't 20! I was 37 when I finally told my doctor that it had been 4 years off of birth control and I still wasn't pregnant. She said, "We need to get you pregnant!" And she wrote up a referral to a specialist to start some testing ASAP.

I hope you find a doctor who is enthusiastic to help you like that...and they are out there! 😀

 

[ms sunshine]

How rude. When i was pg with my son i had bleeding and i had bleeding i went to see a doc who was pretty old school and said sternly look not going tonsugar coat it 1 in 5 will miscarry so if its going to happen it will happen theres no point in worrying just get on with it. I felt like he ripped my heart out and stomped all over it. My son was ok which is the main thing but he was so insensitive

 

[5Miracles]

How rude. When i was pg with my son i had bleeding and i had bleeding i went to see a doc who was pretty old school and said sternly look not going tonsugar coat it 1 in 5 will miscarry so if its going to happen it will happen theres no point in worrying just get on with it. I felt like he ripped my heart out and stomped all over it. My son was ok which is the main thing but he was so insensitive

OMG!!!--I wasn't even there, yet my palm is itching right now to do some mega face slapping! WHAT AN ASSHAT! I am SO sorry that turdmuffin said that to you and I am SOOOOOO happy your son is ok!!!

 

[5Miracles]

She said, "We need to get you pregnant!" And she wrote up a referral to a specialist to start some testing ASAP.

I hope you find a doctor who is enthusiastic to help you like that...and they are out there! 😀

LOVE this too!!! I think I will...not everyone can be a caveman asshat, right...? I know doctors are as human as the rest of us and can make mistakes and put their foot in it, but maybe he did me a favor by saying that NOW so when we get our healthy BFP I won't have to deal with such a negative force around when we are happy. Thank you, Dr. Fliedner!!!!!