Has he given up? gone off me? what do I do?

[longing]

We have been trying for over 4 years now. My OH finally admitted that we may need to be tested. So we went to the docs. Obviously he Ordered bloods for me and needs a sample from OH. A month has past and I get my results tomorrow. He has not done his yet. I broached the subject with him and he ripped my head off about it. Refusing to talk about ttc at all. I am so upset. I know it is a difficult thing for men but still it needs to be done. Also it has now been 4 months with no sex. At all. I have tried all sorts, he just mostly ignores me. What on earth do I do? We have just moved to a 3 bed in a nice area especially to bring up children, now he refuses anything to do with the process natural or otherwise. I don't understand.

 

[mod19]

Maybe he's afraid it's him...or already knows it's him and doesn't want to let you down? Maybe he went and got tested on his own and it's a touchy subject with him? That was my first though.

I don't want you to be offended by this next comment, so if it is out of line, please let me know and also I apologize in advance, but is there possibly something going on in his life outside of your relationship that you may not know about?

Or maybe he was just having a bad day? I let my DH know how much I love him every day. I send him a text after he leaves for work every morning, and although they all say basically the same thing in different words, i feel it helps keep us connected. We hold hands in the car and hold hands when we fall asleep. Maybe just do little things like that to get the "love" back into the relationship?

Sorry if my suggestions suck...I guess it's the best I could do. I'm still leaning towards my first comment though.

My DH is willing to go get tested even though he already has a kid. I didn't think he'd be so on board, but said "whatever it takes". I just went and got blood drawn for testing today and need to schedule a hsg for next month, so obviously it's pointless to send him in before we know if I'm good to go or not.

 

[CallMeAL1982]

Longing, I don't have much in common with your situation, but I feel the pain in your words and I'm thinking about you. I'm sure you know that you should try talking to your husband, but it can be so hard when you're afraid of what he'll say. I hope you have other people in your life who are there to support you.

 

[JJKCB]

my OH keeps putting off his SA until last minute - I have to constantly tell him but hes like this with everything that needs booking

I cant help but understand the frustration of constantly telling them to do something when you might as well talk to the wall for all the attention they pay

 

[tulip1975]

Not only is there the issue that he's afraid that something is wrong with him, he could also be suffering from 4 years of a baby project.

Perhaps he is just waiting for your results, and that could change how he approaches his SA.

My overwhelming thought is --- Get him into counseling! If you are not having sex, you have a legitimate reason to plead with him for outside help because if it continues, your relationship can be slowly poisoned.

Just approach him gently when he is not feeling defensive and tell him how much you love him and want to listen to his thoughts and feelings about what is going on. And if he can't articulate, suggest that someone else can help you both communicate better.

I hope you can get through to him. Good luck!

 

[Emmi]

Agree with a lot of the above but the fact is that he needs to get his swimmers tested - fairs fair. Yes it's a touchy subject but he is being really selfish in that he is dragging his feet. And tbh - should you need to look at iui or IVF - we have to go through so much more so a small SA really ain't too much to ask!

As for going off sex - we haven't been trying as long as some but hubby has gone right of it - he thinks it's so mechanical especially when it's ovulation time and he is too tired but feels forced into it. It's very hard but I just have stopped telling him when it's that special time and just pounce on him on the sofa!

Really hoping that you are able to talk things through and get some resolve.


xxx

 

[JJKCB]

^ with me I never mention ovulation or cycles so he doesn't know when is 'trying' sex and when isn't... so far he has never felt stressed or objected as its still just fun for him

 

[mod19]

^ with me I never mention ovulation or cycles so he doesn't know when is 'trying' sex and when isn't... so far he has never felt stressed or objected as its still just fun for him

I never mention when its trying sex either. I'm still always the initiator though...hmm lol

 

[CallMeAL1982]

My husband is actually motivated by knowing when it's a "good time," although since my cycle is so messed up from PCOS at the moment (CD 70, positive OPKs for the fifth time this cycle and for four days in a row) it's getting kind of old for both of us.

 

[Wish4another1]

My husband has had one Sa and it was so stressful we will prob never have another... or fertility treatments that require his donation... I also don't talk about ovulation or its that time... he will get too stressed about being able to perform...
We ended up getting the sample in a hotel room close to clinic- maybe give that as an option??? I'm sorry and I'm hoping he will at least tell u what's bothering him...

 

[Myshelsong]

I read this and imediately thought about our situation.

When we realized that we needed to get stuff started I will admit I jumped into it so fast I gave both of us whiplash. I got very very upset and emotional about the fact that he wasnt on MY time frame. Everything I did, every thought in my head and every conversation I wanted to have was about wanting to be pregnant and what my next steps were and where we had to go and what we had to do. When he didnt jump in with me with the same urgency I freaked out. I was so upset and depressed.

I was jumping down his throat for months and I was overly emotional all the time and that was just pushing him away even more. Finally I decided that I needed to tell him what was going on.
So on the ride home from an akward dinner date I broke down. I let him know that I felt alone in the journey, that although I understood that I was going crazy and pushing him away, I felt that I couldnt confide in him about my conserns. That I couldnt cry with him or let him know why i was having a bad day because he wasnt an active participant. I told him I NEEDED him. I needed him to come with me to the Dr and get the simple tests done. I explained the tests that I was going to be having and how invasive and painful they were going to be. I told him that I needed him there with me and I will be there with him. After that I feel we both started comunicating a lot better and more often. We both started working on our relationship because we know that even if we are not physically sucessful in conceiving that in the end he is not just my sperm donor he is my partner and WE are doing this together. I really feel that conversation was our turning point, and i highly suggest having an all out red faced, tear streaked conversation.

Right now we are at the three year mark almost and honestly sex sucked for a good year or so. I didn't want it, he didn't want it, it had become mechanical and sometimes horrible.

We try to make things as fun and spontaneous as possible but it is hard. It will take time to get that connection back. You need to remember that sex didnt use to be all about sperm meets egg, but about passion and love. I suggest taking some time off while you are getting tests completed. Dont temp, dont check CM, dont have sex during your fertile window. Completely take making a baby off the table and just enjoy the feel of eachother again. I will let you know it takes time, but you can get past it with honesty and openess.

enough of my ramble, hope my spelling isnt to bad, the spell check isnt working.

 

[wantabby]

Good luck to you!

 

[longing]

Thank you ladies! It was a particularly low day when I wrote that. I was (and still am really) so upset with him. He just doesn't want to know or talk about anything. He is either dismissive or rude. I want to have the conversation like you say Myshelsong, but he just never allows it. My bloods came back all normal. So it really is down to him. I have never told him when I ov and try to instigate sex at other times as well as fertile days. I can't remember the last time he instigated it I do have a certain urgency, he is over 40 now and I am 32, I feel we need some urgency, especially if we need treatments. I try not to bring the subject up too often, which is hard! I don't know what is up and I wish he would open up to me so I could understand

 

[longing]

Wish4another1, how did you convince him in the end? I like the hotel idea. We live nearly an hour's drive away and the sample has to be given in within an hour and only between the hours of 9am and 12. Such a tight window! Mod19, You have voiced much of my worries and fears.

 

[longing]

Thought I would update. We had a talk last week and he assured me we were on the same page and he wants children too still and he promised he would take a sample in this week. He said nothing was the matter, all fine. But he still hasn't done it. I am quite upset, and not sure what to do next

 

[mod19]

Man longing I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. Maybe give him a few more weeks and have another talk about why he hasn't gone yet? He can reassure you all he wants but he's obviously stalling for a reason and not all is OK. Maybe he's being a typical male and thinking it'll eventually happen, but there's also the possibility that there's something else wrong...and you need, and deserve, to know what that reason is.

 

[longing]

Thanks mod19. I think you may be right and that is the only thing I can do.

 

[tulip1975]

Glad you updated us on this. I'm sorry it hasn't resolved.

Can you make the appointment for him and drive him there?

You are so very patient - by now I probably would have told him to put his big boy pants on and pretend to be an adult for a day. (Granted, I'm not very sensitive)

I hope you can get him to come around sooner rather than later. Good luck!

 

[Myshelsong]

Glad you updated as well, but sorry that it still hasn't happened.
All I can really do is suggest another really big conversation. It isn't fun, isn't going to be fun, you may end up breaking something but at least you'll get your point across. I remember with Scott wasn't until I had my huge breakdown that he seem to pay attention to what was going on. I think that I may have even mention the word divorce and Adoption just to get his attention… He could see that it was a big deal to me and that I really did want children I wasn't going to not have children and that he needed to be a full participant either way.

Has he booked the appointment yet?

 

[jessthemess]

I also don't usually say anything like oh I'm fertile! Haha

My husband is a very sweet issue avoider. So where your husband gets mad and avoids, my gets soft and sad and avoids. He really didn't want to do his SA at first. He was really afraid that it was him and what that would mean. We talked about how it wouldn't be anything different than if the issue was me (which it was) and we would still solve it together. This was an easy discussion for us because my husband never gets mad. So that might be harder for you to broach. Try writing a letter and leaving it where he will see it at a time that he won't be around you for a couple of hours after wards but also won't be doing anything stressful afterwards either. Be so loving and supportive and mention nothing accusing or about how you've been working on it and he has not because honestly that's the opposite of productive.

And you know what else we did? Ask my doctor for a take home semen analysis kit and we did it together. And then he drove it to the doctors. The nurse said it wasn't unheard of to do so and you just had to get the sample there in 30 minutes.