Having tough time with my 10 year old.

[Iveneverseen]

Hi My eldest child is 10 next month and for a while she is just a total nightmare and is got worse to the point sometime's she has to be sent to her room because I'm getting annoyed with her a lot.

She is so full of attitude, cheek, backchat, answers back, shouts, annoys her younger sister. if she is asked to do something she moans, say's it's not hers or her mess wait a minute ect.

she does things really badly, if she's asked to do something she does a really bad job of it and doesn't want to try.

even with school work, she always "forgets" homework because her friends do, doesn't want to listen or concentrate or try hard.
she thinks she just gets things handed to her on a plate.
and has no respect for me.

she just doesn't care and doesn't want to make effort.

Her little sister is 7 and totally different. she is in top of her class for maths and English, tries hard at school, gets awards often for good behaviour and working hard.

she is pleasant to be around and will help out and is a good kid.
rarely throws stops. her sister is the opposite.

I try talking to her calmly but nothing works. I said to her sister tell your big sister how you get to be the top of the class she say's trying hard.
but she thinks she can just ask the teacher to get to the top of the class and everything is too hard.

she said she wanted to be a teacher when she grows up but because you have to go to uni for years she's not going to bother. she would rather go for a week.

when she's at home she is always moaning, stropping, arguing, being cheeky, shouting. wont do anything. she is so lazy and moody and disrespectful.

she falls out with people at school on a daily basis. and likes to argue

even her little sister say's she is a nightmare.

I really don't know what to do with her I am at the end of my teather and feel like she's morphed into a nightmare teen.

I have told her if she keeps it up her birthday party next month will be cancelled I don't think she is that bothered.

any ideas?

 

[ToughhGal]

I habe no children but have babysat and tutored children of all ages. And in all honesty, I was the same way at age 11 to 12 or 13. Im not saying this could be it but this is also around the time i officially started my period.

My mum took things away from me. I wouldn't act bothered either but I would secretly cry in my room. I would just stand your ground and hopefully be assured that i grew out of it in the end.

 

[scoobydrlp]

Sounds to me like maybe something deeper is going on? That's a long list of behavioral problems for one little girl. Are there any resources at school, like maybe a counselor you and your daughter could talk to together to figure out the source of the behaviors? I'm sorry your having such difficulties. My SD has had periods of acting out as well and it is very frustrating to deal with!

 

[Iveneverseen]

Sounds to me like maybe something deeper is going on? That's a long list of behavioral problems for one little girl. Are there any resources at school, like maybe a counselor you and your daughter could talk to together to figure out the source of the behaviors? I'm sorry your having such difficulties. My SD has had periods of acting out as well and it is very frustrating to deal with!

any ideas anything deeper?
shes been like this for years but got worse as shes got older.
she can be nice when she wants to be but sometimes shes just nasty even to people at school.

 

[scoobydrlp]

I can't say in your daughter's case specifically, but for my SD, she was diagnosed with ADHD which contributes a lot to the issues with school work and doing things she's told to do at home. Not to say that the same is happening with your daughter, just that there was a reason for my SD's behavior.

Just thinking about what you've described, she must be really frustrated or upset inside to act out that way. She may or may not even know why she acts that way, but I think talking to a behavioral counselor might help you get to the root of the issue.

 

[Iveneverseen]

I can't say in your daughter's case specifically, but for my SD, she was diagnosed with ADHD which contributes a lot to the issues with school work and doing things she's told to do at home. Not to say that the same is happening with your daughter, just that there was a reason for my SD's behavior.

Just thinking about what you've described, she must be really frustrated or upset inside to act out that way. She may or may not even know why she acts that way, but I think talking to a behavioral counselor might help you get to the root of the issue.

I don't know how you would get to speak to them?
not sure if they would take me seriously as they might just think its her age. x

 

[scoobydrlp]

I would start by calling the main office at school and telling them that you have some concerns about your daughter's behavior both in and out of school, and ask if there is a counselor that you could meet with. If they don't have anyone there who can do that they should a least have some ideas of counselors outside the school you could talk to. It's worth a try!

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I would try not to compare them and speak to tje ELSA or home link at school. (Plus extra cuddles)

 

[Iveneverseen]

I have no ides who elsa or hone link is?
its a very difficult time.

 

[Foogirl]

The one thing I would echo is don't play them off against each other. My sister and I had teachers do this, she was constantly told "why can't yo do what your sister does" and it only made my sister rebel more. It made me feel bad too. My mum complained to the school and eventually they toned it down. And as difficult as it is, don't play favouritism with them, even subconsciously. They will each pick up on it and it can cause huge problems. Maybe try to spend more time just with you and your ten year old.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

Where are you located xx

 

[Iveneverseen]

The one thing I would echo is don't play them off against each other. My sister and I had teachers do this, she was constantly told "why can't yo do what your sister does" and it only made my sister rebel more. It made me feel bad too. My mum complained to the school and eventually they toned it down. And as difficult as it is, don't play favouritism with them, even subconsciously. They will each pick up on it and it can cause huge problems. Maybe try to spend more time just with you and your ten year old.

I Never play they off against each other or play favouritism.
and ive only ever said do you not want to do well like your sister once and it wasn't in a nasty tone!

 

[Iveneverseen]

Where are you located xx

Sorry I have no idea what elsa or the other thing you mentioned is.
im sure I will be fine as frustrating as it is a lot of pre teens are prob the same. a friends 10 year old is similar too.

 

[seoj]

It sounds frustrating- for you both. I can't imagine your daughter enjoys acting out this way... ? There does seem to be a deeper issue (although it's hard to say what without knowing all the ins/outs of her life)-- I just cannot imagine it's "normal" teenager stuff... least not in my personal experience with the one teenager we have.

I will say- my oldest, who's 16 (almost 17 now) was THE most difficult at age 9-11 or so... because she was old enough to "know better" but not old enough yet to fully understand or express her feelings or yet able to demonstrate as much self control as she has now. We had to have lots of talks- try different tactics and work through them together... with her, it was specfically her arguing and anxiety that kicked up at times... but we also had her in counseling to help (her and us)- and honestly, it really did help her.

Her situation is totally different- she's my SD and been with her Dad full time since she was young- and her bio-mom wasn't great (long story short)- so her anxiety came from situations with her bio-mom and her Dad felt it best to get her help young. And she was very receptive to it and I truly believe it was a great aid in helping her and us through the years- it wasn't a quick fix, by any means. But we always had a very open line of communication with her too- and we were very honest with eachother- about feelings, thoughts etc... and worked together whenever things got tough. And it just got easier year by year...

If you think counseling might help- I highly recommend. It certainly cannot hurt. Maybe your daughter needs an outlet to help her figure out why she feels like acting out?

 

[Iveneverseen]

wow this thread is still here?

I don't think there is a deeper issue at all and she needs coucelling.
she seems to have calmed down a bit but ive yet to meet someone with a 10 year old that doesn't answer back ect.

 

[Annie77]

I have a very similar situation at home. My eldest will be 11 this week - she is obsessed with being a diva, can be cheeky, huffy and generally a real brat . She needs forced to do homework and whilst doing ok at school, she could do much better if she put some effort in. She is a wonderful singer & just thinks she will be a singer when older (!)
My 8 year old is much more eager to please, top of the class in everything and whilst she can have her moments she is generally much easier to deal with.

What has worked for me is a solution focused approach which is something I am trained in and use with people with long term conditions. Basically it is focusing on good behaviour, positive thoughts and the consequences and feelings that result from this. For instance instead of bringing up negative incidents & asking why did you do that, what did you do etc you make them think of a positive incident over the last few weeks and focus on that.

For instance my daughter was doing my head in as she wouldn't get dressed in the morning, totally messing about, making everyone late for school, I was shouting at her whilst dealing with baby and she eventually left the house rolling her eyes and me just about in tears. So instead of bringing it all back up that night we sat down and I said 'remember that day a few weeks back when you managed to get out to school on time - what was different that day? What did you do differently that made it a good morning, what did I do that was helpful/good, how did you feel that day etc'

We then agreed that getting the light turned on and curtains opened 10 mins earlier made getting up easier, laying out clothes made things quicker, her sister and her getting dressed in different rooms stopped the mucking about had helped. She asked me to do her hair before sitting down to feed the baby or if I couldn't, do it straight after feed was done.

I nearly cried when she said she remembers that day she kissed me goodbye and looked forward to coming home as she knew she wouldn't be getting a row for making everyone run late.

Things are still going good (with that issue!)

 

[seoj]

Obviously I don't know the ins/outs of her life. It just seemed from your original post that she was very moody and angry and lashing out at her family and making things really difficult (generally speaking) for everyone-- ? So, I can only speak from my own life experiences and what worked with my SD's anxiety.

Good things are better.

 

[lhancock90]

Just noticed this is old! - sorry!