He made contact after 16 months!

[RandomGirl09]

Hi everyone.
Just looking for some opinions..
Basically, my daughter is approaching 2 and I have been a single mum for 16 months.
FOB and I were together for 4 years and he was a very controlling, abusive partner.
After I became pregnant, he started beating me. It got worse and worse and when our daughter was 6 months old, he hit me while I was holding her and he threw me to the ground. She was fine, thankfully but I finally decided to leave him. It was so hard to finally make the break but what happened was a major wake up call.
So after I left him, he got a solicitor demanding access. I told him we'd arrange supervised contact and he refused.. and that was the last time I heard from him.
So during the past 16 months, I've brought up my daughter alone. I've had barely any help, I've been through all the struggling as a single parent.
I have major depression and I get treatment for it. It's been hellish but my daughter is perfectly happy, she doesn't want for anything. It's been HARD as she's not been the easiest baby but I've done it all alone and I'm damn proud of myself for the job I've done.
During this time, I have heard nothing from FOB. He hasn't been in touch, paid a single penny, not even a birthday card, nothing.
Until the other day when I received an email from him saying he wants to meet me with my daughter.. saying he "misses" her. At the end of the email he wrote "I love you" which makes me believe it's not about my daughter at all.. :\
I suspect maybe his last relationship ended and he wants to rekindle it with me? which will NEVER happen.
I was wondering what other people think and would do in this situation.
I ignored the email because I've spent SO long building myself back up from such an abusive relationship and it's been so hard, words can't describe

 

[Blue_star]

If a man ever hits you or hurts you physically I wouldn't EVER get back together with him. I would be worried as well if he would hit you well your pregnant i'm sure eventually he would also hit his little girl. Abusive relationships are usually a cycle where he says he's sorry I love you and then eventually hits you again and again. I would just work on you and your daughter and try your best to keep him out of your life. I feel there is nothing wrong with giving someone a chance and forgiving them but if they are abusive forgiving them is like giving them another chance to be more abusive.

I would for the sake of your daughter as well not let her be around something like that personally. I would even go to court if I had to to keep my baby away from FOB if he was ever physical.

 

[Miss_Quirky]

I would REALLY worry, since he hit you with her in your arms...I would be terrified that he'd hurt his own child, but at the same time I do think if he wants to try being a dad maybe let him see what it's all about?

I would see if he'd be okay with supervised visits to see her, and if at some point he would want to have her over weekends or something then make it clear he needs to go to anger management and take it quite seriously. That's just my view on it, I've seen many people get a lot out of anger management and therapy. If he begins belittling you again, or hurting you, definitely tell him he hasn't helped so far and hasn't paid child support, so get out of your life or get a restraining order.

Usually I would play the devil's advocate in a situation where FOB comes back and say give him a chance, but in this case be very very careful. I would not trust him around your daughter alone.

Goodluck

 

[RandomGirl09]

thank you both for replies.
theres absolutely no way I'd ever consider getting back with him. I still have nightmares about the horrific abuse I endured from him, sexual abuse too. I'd be crazy to. I wouldn't even wanna be in the same room.
I doubt he'd even consider any kind of anger management because he has never recognised he had any kind of problem. he thought what he did was perfectly acceptable and tried to convince me it was my fault.
in regards to my daughter, he never wanted a girl. he always wanted a boy due to cultural differences, he said boys were more important (which is very stupid and I know not everyone from different culture think this).
I'd be quite happy never to see him again.
I'm just so concerned about him turning up and making demands, taking me to court and they'll just let him take my daughter, I'd be terrified and couldn't cope with the prospect
there are no police records of the violence because I stupidly didn't report him.
I know it sounds mad but I even carry around an attack alarm and an attack spray (its like a red dye) in case I bump into him.
like I said, sounds mad but I'm scared of what he might do.
just terrified if it went to court, they'd totally trust him with her because I wouldn't, I'd be a nervous wreck. xx

 

[Miss_Quirky]

Tbh that doesn't sound mad to me at all, considering what you've been through.
I don't know how it works where you are, but here California is a no-fault state, UNLESS there is abuse claimed. But pretty much anywhere, it is very very hard to take a child from their mother. I don't think any court in their right mind would let him see her unsupervised after what he's done.