help and advice please ladies

[blessedbylove]

Hi ladies,

A close friend of mine recently lost her baby. She was rushed to hospital last night and the sad news was confirmed today. I am extremely sad for her and just dont know what to do.

The problem I have is I am full term pregnant about to give birth any day now so I am probably the last person she would want to have around (even though I wish I could help). We were supposed to catch up today for lunch but didnt for obvious reasons. What was going to be such a happy day turned out to be our worst nightmare.

We were excited for each other (both being pregnant) and had plans on our little ones being friends. We even had nicknames for each others babies and recently I even sent her a card with an ultra sound photo of my bub and addressed the card to her, her husband and her baby (baby's nickname). I am also in complete shock that her baby has now gone and truly understand that it was her child that has now died.

I have read the thread on what NOT to say but I was just wondering if any of you beautiful ladies have any advice of what I could do or say (if anything).
I want so much to be sensitive and to do the right thing. To be honest i am really struggling with the sadness too and almost feel guilty that things are working out for me.

I am not sure if I should even ring to tell her when I have my baby or if that will be like a knife in a wound for her? But if i dont ring her then she'll probably feel shut out? I am not sure if i should stay away or if that would also be hurtful.

I have been thinking of maybe sending some flowers... i really dont know.
Please give me honest advice and if you honestly feel i should stay away then i will understand as i know i cant possibly understand the saddness she must be feeling.

thanks for your help ladies.

hugs to you all

 

[nicksi27]

blessedbylove im so sorry your friend is going through this heartbreak, what a nice friend you are for posting for advice. Its so hard and hard for you too - you must not feel guilty though. Of course its come as such as a shock as nobody expects this to happen do they, i certainly didnt expect it to happen to me. I can only offer advice as to what i was feeling when it happened to me and maybe it might help you understand .... i hated sympathy flowers it might sound awful but as soon as i got some i put them straight in the bin i couldnt bear to look at them or even have them in the house because they just reminded me over and over that they were there because my baby had died as well as cards etc. I also couldnt bear to be around babies or pregnant people but this didnt last long. In the first few weeks i actually used to run into the supermarket and be in there as little time as possible because seeing pregnant women would make me break down. I know this must sound awful because you are pregnant but your friend will just need a bit of time. Its not that she wont be happy for you, she will be overwhelmed with grief at the moment and will be replaying all the happy events she had whilst pregnant and the excitement of it all and then replaying the horror of losing her baby - it was like a continious loop for me for a few weeks. She will feel anger, guilt, saddness the whole lot and wont be able to comprehend why this has happened to her.I would just text or call her and explain to her that you dont really know what to say - basically everything you have wrote down in your post. I used to find it helpful just to talk through my feelings with people who would just listen to what i had to say without saying things like 'it was one of those things', those are the worst.

wishing your friend lots of love. i hope this helped a little. xx

 

[Preggies]

I can't speak for everyone, but after my loss, if I had a friend that successfully had their baby, it would have made me happy to be able to hold theirs. Maybe instead of flowers, get her some OPK's and tests to start trying again. That might sound crazy, but I started trying again right away and got pregnant. It hasn't erased losing my son, but it does help to have a new start and everything is fine so far. Does she want to get pregnant again right away? If so, I would get her some testing kits for a gift. I couldn't get enough of my tests while starting again!

 

[blessedbylove]

Thanks so much for your help and advice. I text her this morning just to say I was thinking of her and she hasnt responded. I didnt expect her to.

I guess all I can do is be there and try to be as understanding as possible- and not expect too much too soon. I just hope in time she will be ok.

Thank you again for taking the time to help me figure out how to be a support.

Lots of love
xoxoxooxo

 

[Andypanda6570]

All you can do is just be there and when she is ready she will come to you It is going to take a long time for her, it took me over a year to get through this pain and I still struggle ever day. It was very hard to be around pregnant women and still is but it as gotten easier for me. My Sister-in-law is 20 weeks and it is hard for me but I have accepted it and she will also in time. All The Best XOXOOOX

I would not buy her any OPK's or testing kits, just my opinion. Some women are not thinking about trying again at this painful time they are thinking about how to get through this, they want their baby acknowledged not looked over . So handing her these things may hurt her very much..JMO..XOOXO

 

[nicksi27]

I agree with andypanda i wouldnt send opks or anything like that. I would have taken offence at this if someone had given me some after i lost jacob - id have thought he was being forgotten and dismissed just because he didnt make it. plus opks were the last thing on my mind at that point x

 

[mhazzab]

I agree with andypanda i wouldnt send opks or anything like that. I would have taken offence at this if someone had given me some after i lost jacob - id have thought he was being forgotten and dismissed just because he didnt make it. plus opks were the last thing on my mind at that point x

Completely agree with this I would have been so upset with this as although my mind turned to ttc very quickly, having someone else give me this would have made me feel like my twins meant nothing.

I'm so sorry to hear of your friends loss she will be devastated...when it happened to me I also had a friend who was just about full term and although I could communicate by email I couldn't bring myself to see or speak to her for months. She was great and never forced me into anything, we just spoke by email and agreed that we needed some distance till I was ready.

There was a good thread where a lot of us gave opinions on this a while back, and I bumped it for someone a few weeks ago...may be worth going a few pages back to see if you can find it, or search through my posts.

Your friend is very lucky to have someone so sensitive in her life, believe me not everyone would be as worried about her as you xx

 

[nicksi27]

mhazzab ive just read eve and megan's story it brought tears to my eyes thank you for sharing your story. im so sorry you lost your beautiful girls - im sure they are up there having fun together and looking over you. Congratulations on your rainbow baby - not long now. Good luck xx

 

[yellowyamyam]

Like other said, give her time and space. I am sure that knowing you are there for her is suffice at the moment. I am sorry to say that you might be the last person she wants to see right now but when she is ready, she will let you know.

A close friend got pregnant about a week after I did. She was and still one the 1 person I can't really face. She recently gave birth to her baby boy. I cried the whole day when I found out, even though I was really happy for her. So just be prepared for emotional roller coaster from her but know this - she still has a part of her that she is happy that your baby is safe and healthy.

I am very glad to know she has you as a friend and it was really nice of you to post what you did.

 

[mhazzab]

mhazzab ive just read eve and megan's story it brought tears to my eyes thank you for sharing your story. im so sorry you lost your beautiful girls - im sure they are up there having fun together and looking over you. Congratulations on your rainbow baby - not long now. Good luck xx

what a lovely message thank you so much this means a lot to me x