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Help and Opinions needed please

TattiesMum

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This is a bit long and complicated but we have a situation with my Grandson's FOB .... Tattie (my daughter - who is 18) posted this in the Teenage Parenting Section, and I've posted on it as well....

We would really appreciate your views and opinions as to what to do, so I've posted the link to the thread below:

https://www.babyandbump.com/teenage-parenting/330481-need-opinions.html

Any advice would be much appreciated (either here or in the original thread) before we decide one way or another - Thanks :D :hugs:
 
This is a bit long and complicated but we have a situation with my Grandson's FOB .... Tattie (my daughter - who is 18) posted this in the Teenage Parenting Section, and I've posted on it as well....

We would really appreciate your views and opinions as to what to do, so I've posted the link to the thread below:

https://www.babyandbump.com/teenage-parenting/330481-need-opinions.html

Any advice would be much appreciated (either here or in the original thread) before we decide one way or another - Thanks :D :hugs:


Are you italian? I see you call yourself Nonna? :happydance:

I am italian and the twins dad is english so my mum is Nonna and his mum is Nana!
 
This is a bit long and complicated but we have a situation with my Grandson's FOB .... Tattie (my daughter - who is 18) posted this in the Teenage Parenting Section, and I've posted on it as well....

We would really appreciate your views and opinions as to what to do, so I've posted the link to the thread below:

https://www.babyandbump.com/teenage-parenting/330481-need-opinions.html

Any advice would be much appreciated (either here or in the original thread) before we decide one way or another - Thanks :D :hugs:


Are you italian? I see you call yourself Nonna? :happydance:

I am italian and the twins dad is english so my mum is Nonna and his mum is Nana!

LOL ... my grandfather was Italian and I have very Italian looks ... so when Kaylum was on the way and I had to decide on a name I chose Nonna :happydance: .... my Mum was Nana to my own children so I thought it might get confusing if I chose the same name :haha:
 
reading what your daughter has said about FOB - the canibis, ABH charge etc the court may not see him as a fit enough person anyway and he may only be allowed supervised visitation.

Is you daughter worried he wil get some form of access or custody? The grandparents have no rights whatever the schemes they put together. So finding out if this lad is the baby's father will make no difference to their rights as grandparents.

If there is a chance the baby is not his then do the DNA. Know for sure.

If this guy is really not a good role model you only have to prove it to a judge. They may not even take you to court - it's very expensive and can take months anyway.

I think get the DNA test done properly and find out for sure because if there is a chance this baby is not this guys then it's better to know before carrying on any further with this situation.
 
This is a bit long and complicated but we have a situation with my Grandson's FOB .... Tattie (my daughter - who is 18) posted this in the Teenage Parenting Section, and I've posted on it as well....

We would really appreciate your views and opinions as to what to do, so I've posted the link to the thread below:

https://www.babyandbump.com/teenage-parenting/330481-need-opinions.html

Any advice would be much appreciated (either here or in the original thread) before we decide one way or another - Thanks :D :hugs:


Are you italian? I see you call yourself Nonna? :happydance:

I am italian and the twins dad is english so my mum is Nonna and his mum is Nana!

LOL ... my grandfather was Italian and I have very Italian looks ... so when Kaylum was on the way and I had to decide on a name I chose Nonna :happydance: .... my Mum was Nana to my own children so I thought it might get confusing if I chose the same name :haha:

Even the littlest bit Italian is still Italian.

My dad is full Italian and my mum is half. I class myself as Italian and I support Italy in everything lol!!
 
reading what your daughter has said about FOB - the canibis, ABH charge etc the court may not see him as a fit enough person anyway and he may only be allowed supervised visitation.

Is you daughter worried he wil get some form of access or custody? The grandparents have no rights whatever the schemes they put together. So finding out if this lad is the baby's father will make no difference to their rights as grandparents.

If there is a chance the baby is not his then do the DNA. Know for sure.

If this guy is really not a good role model you only have to prove it to a judge. They may not even take you to court - it's very expensive and can take months anyway.

I think get the DNA test done properly and find out for sure because if there is a chance this baby is not this guys then it's better to know before carrying on any further with this situation.

The baby is definitely his and we want the DNA done properly and have said that (as well as offering to pay half) .... FOB's mother is just creating all of this drama out of nothing to feed her need for attention :wacko:

I know that he won't get anything more than supervised access - which we have offered them at my house anyway :shrug: (they are all on benefits so the costs of taking it to court are irrelevant to them unfortunately) .... and we can deal with his mother by taking out a restraining order if she doesn't stop with the harrassment...

I guess it just seemed like a perfect opportunity to get rid of them once and for all ..... I've spent years wishing that my ex would just vanish into a large black hole (or under the wheels of a passing juggernaught ;) )

Life is never that simple is it? :(
 
This is a bit long and complicated but we have a situation with my Grandson's FOB .... Tattie (my daughter - who is 18) posted this in the Teenage Parenting Section, and I've posted on it as well....

We would really appreciate your views and opinions as to what to do, so I've posted the link to the thread below:

https://www.babyandbump.com/teenage-parenting/330481-need-opinions.html

Any advice would be much appreciated (either here or in the original thread) before we decide one way or another - Thanks :D :hugs:


Are you italian? I see you call yourself Nonna? :happydance:

I am italian and the twins dad is english so my mum is Nonna and his mum is Nana!

LOL ... my grandfather was Italian and I have very Italian looks ... so when Kaylum was on the way and I had to decide on a name I chose Nonna :happydance: .... my Mum was Nana to my own children so I thought it might get confusing if I chose the same name :haha:

Even the littlest bit Italian is still Italian.

My dad is full Italian and my mum is half. I class myself as Italian and I support Italy in everything lol!!

LOL ... :) :hugs:
 
Oh right I see what you mean now...

If i could chose I wouldn't want my LO's dad's family involved purely because of the way they have treated me since I fell pregnant and believe me there have been times when I've wanted to lie and say I slept with someone else but as he is in the army the dates match up perfectly for when he was back so if I did say that they would only request a test because the chances would be so high.

It's a horrible situation to be in and I don't envy you for it. I just wish my LO's dad and his family would disappear forever but in reality I know that will not happen.

You need to set ground rules with them (change ur numbers if need be), start afresh. They don't seem like the people that would cooperate either way but may give you even more hassle if you tell them the baby is not his because they will not want to accept that....

I don't know what else to suggest. It is such a difficult situation to be in.x
 
Hi there,

I read your daughter's post. I could be way off but in DNA paternity testing, don't they take swabs from both the mother and alleged-father (and baby, of course) to match to the child??? If so, your plan will not work as step-dad does not have mummy's DNA.

Sorry and good luck!
 
This might come across a bit rude but I have to be honest here:

This seems a bit immature on your behalf. Sorry but as a mother you should be leading by an example. Your daughter choose him to be the father.

I haven't read everything but yes she does seem a bit off but it seems you guys want to get rid of all this drama but nothing thinking about the baby!! Thats HIS dad!

If my mom did this to me with my dad and I grew up knowng this I would loose all respect for my mother! So yea she is freakin crazy but lady for you guys to come up with this plan you guys aren't angles yourself!

iI say deal with the drama....so who cares if she tells your daughters best friend that your daughters lying..its drama, they aren't planning on running away with the kid or anything.

Why don't you guys take him to court to pay child support??? if he doesn't want to pay b/c he's not the father ask the court for a DNA test to be done!!! and bring up all the stuff about his mom and maybe get a restrianing order against her? there so many options here but to take this route is just selfish
 
This might come across a bit rude but I have to be honest here:

This seems a bit immature on your behalf. Sorry but as a mother you should be leading by an example. Your daughter choose him to be the father.

I haven't read everything but yes she does seem a bit off but it seems you guys want to get rid of all this drama but nothing thinking about the baby!! Thats HIS dad!

If my mom did this to me with my dad and I grew up knowng this I would loose all respect for my mother! So yea she is freakin crazy but lady for you guys to come up with this plan you guys aren't angles yourself!

iI say deal with the drama....so who cares if she tells your daughters best friend that your daughters lying..its drama, they aren't planning on running away with the kid or anything.

Why don't you guys take him to court to pay child support??? if he doesn't want to pay b/c he's not the father ask the court for a DNA test to be done!!! and bring up all the stuff about his mom and maybe get a restrianing order against her? there so many options here but to take this route is just selfish

It's a bit more complicated than that, but I do take your point ...

I've always made it clear to my daughters that you should be VERY careful who you have children with because once you have kids you are stuck with their dads for life on some level or another .... my daughter didn't really 'choose' to have a child with this chap - it was a one night stand, condom split, morning after pill didn't work and she chose not to have a termination :shrug:

The father doesn't actually work (unlike my daughter), so no child support will ever be forthcoming - but that is irrelevant anyway.

I KNOW I should be taking the moral high ground and not even have contemplated my H taking the sample ... but I have been through years of hell with my own ex (whom I did choose to have children with .... but before I found out that he was a paedophile) and my children have been through the hell of having the stigma of him as a father as well as the trauma of discovering that their dad had feet of concrete rather than just clay as they grew old enough to understand :(

So ... for a while .... the temptation of just getting rid of these disturbed, mentally ill and socially disfunctional people was somewhat tempting to say the least. Not least because I didn't (and still don't) believe that they have anything positive to add to my Grandson's life whatsoever.... but instead have the potential to cause him mental harm and emotional trauma.

Nevertheless we have already decided to go down the route of court, supervised access hearings, restraining orders etc etc in the interests of honesty for Kaylum - whether he will thank us for that in the future goodness only knows :shrug: :(
 
It's a bit more complicated than that, but I do take your point ...

I've always made it clear to my daughters that you should be VERY careful who you have children with because once you have kids you are stuck with their dads for life on some level or another .... )

I couldnt agree more with this but at the same time if your daughter does this she is robbing her son of who he really is.. On so many levels it is wrong..
We all split from our partners for a reason but without him she wouldnt have Kaylum! The father deserves nothing but your grandson deserves it all! that being the truth!
 
It's a bit more complicated than that, but I do take your point ...

I've always made it clear to my daughters that you should be VERY careful who you have children with because once you have kids you are stuck with their dads for life on some level or another .... )

I couldnt agree more with this but at the same time if your daughter does this she is robbing her son of who he really is.. On so many levels it is wrong..
We all split from our partners for a reason but without him she wouldnt have Kaylum! The father deserves nothing but your grandson deserves it all! that being the truth!


I know what you mean Laura ... but please take into account that my daughter herself feels that SHE would rather not know who her father is than have the father that she does.

Knowing who they 'really are' - as in having to acknowledge that they are 'part of' their father is something that all 3 of my kids struggle with .... so it understandably skews their thinking.

The guilt that I feel as a mother who, however innocently and without knowledge, gave my children this legacy obviously skews my thinking too .... if I could have spared my children the pain that their father being who and what he is has brought them, would I have done so?

What mother doesn't want to spare her children pain? It's just that sometimes there is pain for the child in every option .... and it's hard to see a clear path through :shrug:
 
I understand because her dad isnt a nice man clearly! But at the same time she made her own mind up about that and it wasnt made for her.

I think Kaylum should decide whether or not he has his dad in his life and I know thats a long time away but for now he wouldnt have Kaylum on his own anyway!
 
When you explain the backround it makes a bit more sense on why you want to do this...I don't blame you for trying to protect your daughter and grandson from what you guys went through BUT he's not the same Dad or Ex.

I still don't agree with your "plan" as you are the adult in this situation :nope:. I am not a single mother and I know its not easy but remember that this "boy" (the father) probably grew up in a really bad home life (seeing that his mom is a bit on the wacko side). Like I said before I haven't read through everything but this boy doesn't seem to be the problem its more his mom. Yes you did mention that he doesn't work and smokes weed all day but hes not a threat to your grandson. I say don't blame the guy for his screwed up mom, she probably puts crap in his head. I would STOP all contact with his mother ASAP and try speaking with this guy on his own without his moms influence.
 
Before you initiate anything, let them try to establish paternity first. I don't think it is so easy. They may be put off by doing all this.

I wish you well.
 
Thanks all :hugs:

As I said in the original thread a few days ago we have already decided that, tempting though it is, we need to face the situation head on in an honest way.

We have already tried speaking to FOB separately about the situation, but to no avail - he wants unsupervised access, Kaylum to stay at his Mother's 2 days and nights a week and a host of other demands which are totally inappropriate given that scrunchy man is only 8 weeks old, let alone the other factors :dohh: He then contradicts his demands by insisting that a DNA test be taken by his Mother rather than through my daughter's GP - which is what I had already arranged (he refused to attend for a swab to be taken):shrug: NB - we had already offered access whenever he wanted it in our home - it was refused.

So.... we are going to go with the CSA doing the test to ensure that it is done properly and that the result is definitive and legal (they can force him to take it properly - we can't) and we will then deal with the family courts. Apart from the CSA part we won't be initiating anything... just firefighting as and when stuff comes up.


It isn't just his drink and drugs - it is his own diagnosis of schizophrenia with violent psychotic episodes and his criminal history for violence, so there isn't any chance that he will get more than supervised access, and his Mother won't even be granted permission to apply to the courts for access on her own account. If she keeps up the harrassment (all of which is being logged and texts/emails kept) then we will just have to apply for a restraining order.

The whole situation is a mess, but Tattie made her bed and we just have to lay in it :shrug: As someone said - without FOB we wouldn't have the little fella at all, and we certainly wouldn't be without him - he is simply adorable :D
It just seemed like an easy way out - not a sensible one admittedly - but I guess life is never easy .... well not for us anyway :nope: and Kaylum is worth the fight :D
 
Good Luck with everything and I'm gald that you took the honest approach.Keep us updated on this process! :hugs:
 
It's a bit more complicated than that, but I do take your point ...

I've always made it clear to my daughters that you should be VERY careful who you have children with because once you have kids you are stuck with their dads for life on some level or another .... )

I couldnt agree more with this but at the same time if your daughter does this she is robbing her son of who he really is.. On so many levels it is wrong..
We all split from our partners for a reason but without him she wouldnt have Kaylum! The father deserves nothing but your grandson deserves it all! that being the truth!


I know what you mean Laura ... but please take into account that my daughter herself feels that SHE would rather not know who her father is than have the father that she does.

Knowing who they 'really are' - as in having to acknowledge that they are 'part of' their father is something that all 3 of my kids struggle with .... so it understandably skews their thinking.

The guilt that I feel as a mother who, however innocently and without knowledge, gave my children this legacy obviously skews my thinking too .... if I could have spared my children the pain that their father being who and what he is has brought them, would I have done so?

What mother doesn't want to spare her children pain? It's just that sometimes there is pain for the child in every option .... and it's hard to see a clear path through :shrug:

The thing is though, she has that opionion because she does know who her Dad is.

Believe me, these kind of family secrets always come out, and your Grandson would probably blame your daughter for depriving him of the knowledge of who his father is regardless of what he is like.

30 years ago my Aunt chose not to tell my cousin that the person she married was not her Father (her actual father didn't want to know and legged it when he found out she was pregnant), my Uncle knew her from birth and loved her like it own but it came out when she was 22 that he wasn't her real Father and she just disappeared and none of us saw her for 3 years. She got back in touch with everyone about 4 years ago and explained that she just couldn't be around people that had lied to her her whole life, even though my Aunt thought she was doing the right thing. Sadly my Aunt passed aways about a year later and my cousin now regrets the time not speaking to her.

All of this hurt could have been saved by just explaining to her when she was little that Alan didn't make her with my Aunt, but he was there through the pregnancy and every day since and loved her as if she was his own anyway.

Also, from a medical point of view I think it's very important that he knows that there is a family medical history of mental illness and addiction.
 

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