Help dealing with everything..

[Gizzy]

Hi,

Never posted in this section before but looking for some help and wondered if anyone can help me.

My son was born at 34+4 and spent 2 days in SCBU, followed by a further 7 days on the ward with me as he had lots of issues feeding and kept losing weight. We changed to bottle feeding and he starting gaining weight and we were discharged. He's now 17 weeks old and is doing really well, gaining weight really well and hes doing really well with his development.

I still get really upset and teary when i think about his birth - i had an emergency c section and i hardly remember anything. He was born at 6.27am on a Monday and i didnt get to see him until about 8pm that night, and didn't get to hold him or even hold his hand until the tuesday night. I literally dread each monday as everything just runs through my head thinking what was happening at that time the day he was born :-/

When i write it all down like this - it seems so stupid that im getting upset as hes doing really well and i know that people go through so much more but i just cant help it or shake this feeling. I dont even know any details about why he had to be delivered other than his heart rate was dropping - no idea why.

How did you learn to deal with it all?

 

[confused87com]

i had my little boy at 29 weeks. I coped fine when he was in hospital for 8 weeks, its when i got him home i fell apart. in the end my hv picked up on it, my doctor diagnosed ptsd. I should have got help long before i was that bad. Maybe talk to someone, at least someone who can explain to you about why the birth went the way it did. Please dont just push it under therug if u r feeling rele down about it. It does get better tho, dont bottle it up, talk to someone who willll listen.
One yr on, im much better. I wouldnt have needed all teh treatment i did if i sought help earlier.

 

[vermeil]

My son is almost 2 (EEK already!) and I STILL replay some of the darker days of his nicu stay in my head. I relive all of the tinitiest, disturbing details in my mind. It`s silly because you know you can`t change any of them. But I think it`s a natural part of healing. It`s like phobias - we expose ourselves to the scary parts so we 'tame' them, they become less scary over time until we eventually accept them and finally let them go.

I think our minds also NEED to understand what happened, for it to make sense so we revisit those memories to rationalize them.

Did I mention the nicu psychologist became my best friend during my son`s 4 month stay...

 

[daisybby03]

My twins were born at 29 weeks and after 7&9 weeks in NICU they came home. I still cry when I look at their photos from their journey in NICU. I thank God each day that they are even here with me. I'm overwhelmed by emotions of everything my guys have been though.

 

[amberlindsay7]

Hi - I was in a similar situation after having my lo at 31 weeks; I was so traumatized by the whole thing that I just had to talk to someone - I would cry every time I thought about it all and had nightmares all the time; it was like I was crying for myself because I felt so sorry that I had to go through it all (if you know what I mean). Fortunately my best friend is a psychologist and really helped me get through it all after about 20 billion hour long phone calls; but I know it's sometimes easier to talk to someone else and so please do go back to the SCBU that your baby was on and ask to speak to the psychologist there - as far as I'm aware almost all units have someone who you will be able to talk with on a weekly basis as they know your care is as important as your lo's. xxx

 

[maxxiandniko]

Hi. I can relate. I had my twin boys at almost 29 weeks and was totally traumatized. Ian was in the NICU for 44 days, Aidan 55 days. The first few weeks were awful. I would press my car key to unlock the car door, hear the beep and jump thinking it was a monitor. I got into the car, saw the temp at say 73 (it was summer) and my stomach would drop thinking I was reading an oxygen sat. Aidan constantly choked on his formula because his suck was so strong and fast. I could go on. They're almost 1 year old, perfectly fine and doing amazing. I will never forget this past year though and still get anxious when I think about everything my husband and I went through.

 

[dizz]

I think it'll be a long time till I'm over the circumstances of Erin's birth - in fact in the worse days I wonder if I'll ever even get that massive bond with her to be honest... what chance was there of us bonding when, after the horrific delivery, they wheeled me into NNICU, pointed to an incubator to tell me that one's mine, and then kicked me off up to the ward overnight to lie in the dark alone hearing mums with their newborns snuggling all night? Then we had some horrific treatment at the hands of the hospital that I'm still trying to get the strength up to deal with... but when you tell anyone this - they just fob you off as "oh you've got PND" - no I haven't, I'm just mentally still trying to process all we've been through - depression-wise I'm actually fine (I know how I am when I'm depressed very very well).

I'm not like you in that I can't remember things - my problem is I remember everything utterly utterly vividly, from that very first inkling things weren't right as I sat eating my easter egg (it's put me off Green and Blacks for life), as things snowballed and we found out my membranes were leaking, and as it gradually dawned on me that she WAS in fact going to come prematurely when they brought doctors down from neo natal to talk to us - all the way up to the horrific delivery by which time I was utterly terrified, head spinning, feeling completely cornered because of one member of staff tagging me as an uncooperative patient (I'd asked for five minutes alone to discuss something with my partner, she'd ignored me, so I reminded her that I'd made that request five times now) and in the end, because I was so scared, because I'd had so many previous losses before and now had this prematurity thing thrown into the equation as well - thus was completely convinced I was going to be leaving the hospital yet again childless - I said something along the lines of "just leave me to die, the baby's going to die anyway, all my babies die"... so they referred me to social services... no WONDER we struggled to bond - the first two days of her life, when I was actually allowed to see her finally and started to process that this was in fact my baby - then I went back up on the ward to be pulled aside and told they'd referred me to social services for that line in the middle of labour. And then, having to live on the ward for the length of her stay - feeling like they're all watching you to ring SS again (they'd concluded after one actual chat with me where I explained the background that there was absolutely nothing to answer - but the referral will never go away and always be mouldering away in the background as us being "known" to them), and knowing it was the neo-natal staff that had made it and that every movement I was making around Erin was being scrutinised - no trust there at all in those caring for your child when its like that... plus the ward staff on the ward I were on were appallingly indiscreete so I know exactly what was being said about me from the nurse who'd labelled me as uncooperative - and thus I was being treated like a naughty schoolgirl needing to be bashed into line... it's taken me a month and a bit to be able to even go PAST the hospital and look at it when on the bus (you can see the window of the ward I was on from the main road which makes that harder) and to get from complete shell shock into utterly pissed off wanting some resolution territory.

But yeah - the bonding thing still terrifies me now - while I think she's a beautiful, funny little girl and I want to do right by her - I don't feel like she's "mine" so to speak and I definitely don't get that insane rush of love yet, more just a "oh you're cute" kind of bemusement... and I live my life in utter terror that I won't ever get that feeling - because she doesn't deserve NOT to have a mum who feels all that insane love.

 

[AP]

I just thought I might add-Bliss have a helpline if you want to talk things through. It's hard that some of us can never find closure or a reason, but acceptance will come eventually xxxx

 

[heyyady]

I think we all go though this to some extent- they need a whole new class of PTSD just for NICU mom's and dad's. I still have nightmares, but they are much less frequent now- I still get choked up, sometimes (Like reading this thread). And I still have some irrational fears of them dying that I am trying to deal with, but those are getting way better, too.

 

[Foogirl]

I just thought I might add-Bliss have a helpline if you want to talk things through. It's hard that some of us can never find closure or a reason, but acceptance will come eventually xxxx

They do! Call 0500 618 140 for support mon-fri 9am - 9pm.

Gizzy, there is also a support group in the North Leeds area. https://www.bliss.org.uk/subservice/bliss-support-group-leeds-north-west/ This is run by a pair of mums who have been through what you are going through. I was never a fan of support groups - until I started one. To be able to talk to other mums who have been through this, is an excellent way of getting your mind straight. You might even be able to chat individually to the group leaders if you don't fancy going to a group.

If you still feel you are struggling, Bliss can offer counselling in your area. The number above will put you through to that service too.

Personally, it took me a while to deal with the circumstances of Abby's birth, but as she got bigger and stronger, I realised that despite what I had been through, it had all turned out ok in the end and that to hold on to those feelings of panic and fear and guilt, would not do me - or her, any good. I looked at all the positive things to come out of the situation (hard to do but believe me, they are there) and remembered that each of these things we go through gives us the strength we need as parents to face whatever life throws at us. I know that kind of through process isn't for everybody, but it worked for me.