Help Navigating Sister's News (warning, PG announcement, Not mine)

[JulBee]

Hi Ladies,

Warning: I know most of you have faced something similar- so read no further if a close family member's pregnancy announcement has been too devastating for you to re-live. For those who continue to read, I hope your experience can help me to navigate my own. (I'm sorry in advance for the lengthy wording)!

I'm 41 and have been TTC #1 for over a year, DH 44, neither of us have children, just married last June. Two cancelled IVF cycles, one retrieval, one frozen blastocyst (!)

My sister, 9 years younger than me, married 1 year, went off BCP one month ago and not TTC, called me yesterday out of the blue to announce her pregnancy. She is aware of the difficult fertility journey DH and I have been on, as well as the IVF cycle results last month, and the impending IVF cycle this upcoming month.

Her call went like this, "I have some exciting news! We are expecting a baby in January 2016"! She then went on to tell me that it was still very, very early, and that she and her husband had just shared the news with our dad, and the rest of our family was next.

No preface, no email, no text, no trepidation in her voice, just...surprise!
To which I replied with congratulations and said that I was very happy for her, but I was unable to keep my composure, and was clearly crying. I made some lame excuse and got off the phone saying I would call her right back, which I of course wasn't able to. A follow-up text to me said, "I'm sorry; shitty timing, I know".

The call caught me so off guard that my knee-jerk emotional reaction happened before I could control it. I would have liked to have been composed and been able to offer my sincere congrats and joy, because I know how happy and excited she is, and I would never have wanted to dampen that in any way. And of course, I would love a niece or nephew!So now I feel selfish for not at least pretending to be 100% overjoyed, even if I wasn't, yet because I'm so sad about my own situation, I’m also extremely angry with her for her insensitive delivery and the terrible timing of her announcement (not so much the timing of her pregnancy, although that stinks as well, but I get that I can’t dictate when other people plan their families).

I have literally been waiting to find the right partner to start a family with for 20 years. I finally think I'm right on the cusp, (if this next cycle goes as planned now that I seem to be on the right protocol and it appears that we have worked out all the kinks with our fertility issues), so this comes at a particularly difficult time for us. (And –whiny baby alert- no one wants to announce all their exciting news right after their sister does, wedding (yep, that too), pregnancy, birth, baby shower, first birthday, etc, etc, etc.). I would really love to wait and give it a little space, but like I said, I'm 41.

Even though she's a giant turd bucket, I do love my sister, and I don't want anything about her pregnancy to be unpleasant, especially because of me, but I am so angry with her, and just don't know how to handle the situation. I haven’t spoken with her since the call, nor responded to her text, because I just don’t know what to say, and I’m so mad I could spit.

Does anyone who has been through something similar have any advice (knowing I feel like a huge jerk already) for dealing with this situation in a positive way?

Thanks in advance for any advice you can give!!

 

[Topanga053]

Hey hun.

First, I am so sorry that you're stuck on this LTTTC journey. It took DH and I a little over a year to get pregnant with our daughter with one early loss during that time. It was an absolutely gut-wrenching experience for me. I also know that it can be much, much worse, so my heart just breaks for anyone on this journey. I really hope you guys have success w/the IVF soon.

As far as your sister, while it WAS inconsiderate of her to call and spring that on you knowing what you're going through, I think it's really hard for people who haven't struggled w/infertility or losses to understand just how MUCH pregnancy announcements hurt. Honestly, if I hadn't gone through it myself, I really wouldn't get it either. So, first, I'd remember that she probably didn't realize she would hurt you, especially not that badly. And second, I think her follow up text is actually very nice. She obviously understood that she HAD hurt you and recognized that the timing was not good for you. So to the extent that you're able, I'd try to give her a pass for that initial phone call.

I'd also recommend talking to her (or sending an email/text/whatever) and explaining that while you are really happy for her, it also does remind you of what you're going through right now and that that's very painful for you. My best friend got pregnant the same week as I did with my loss and she COMPLETELY understood when I wanted to limit my time around her. She actually said she would do the exact same thing if she were me. That made both of our experiences better (still very, very hard for me, but better). So I would definitely recommend being very honest and up front with your feelings and how much you can and cannot handle. I think that makes it easier for both of you and risks any misunderstandings or conflicting expectations (i.e. she knows you'll be at the baby shower, but also knows not to text you pictures of every ultrasound).

And lastly, I COMPLETELY understood people being insensitive. One of my friends was pregnant when I miscarried and had a healthy baby. She knew that we were TTCAL for a long time afterwards with no luck and that I was incredibly depressed about it. When we finally announced we were pregnant with our rainbow, she texted me to tell me that she was pregnant again too, but she was disappointed that it had happened so quickly. I was speechless. Here's someone who KNEW I had been incredibly depressed with it taking almost a year to get pregnant after a miscarriage and she actually COMPLAINED to me that she got pregnant too quickly????

I hope you and your sister can work this out and that you get pregnant soon yourself!!

 

[Coolstar]

Julbee, I totally feel your pain. It took me 3+ yrs , 2 failed IVF, numerous heartbreaks, countless injections to get my first ever BFP. And in the meantime I have seen so many of my friends getting pregnant with the first one and then the second one ( luckily I don't have a sister lol !! ) . From my experience I am telling you, you have to be strong Hun. I agree with you that she should have been more sensitive but then she can never truly feel your pain.
Even I think you should talk with her ( I know it is very difficult ). The only thought that helped me to get over this feeling was that , it is not that those who are pregnant does not want us to get pregnant . You are not at all selfish Hun. I hope you get your BFP soon for I know what it feels like to struggle so much and not knowing whether at last it will happen or not. Baby dust to you.

 

[JulBee]

Hi Topanga053,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. It really is helpful to hear from someone who understands from experience, but is also level-headed and reasonable when I wasn't able to be! I've wrapped my head around it a little more by now, and feel a little less mean and angry over it. I completely agree that cutting her a little slack is probably in order since she can't completely understand. I'm planning to maybe give her a call or send an email to explain a little, and re-congratulate her without sobbing, now that I feel more prepared to put on the happy face, and can think a little more clearly.

I'm glad you and your pregnant best friend were able to be open with one another about your discomfort being around her, and it's so awesome that she understood where you were coming from. I will definitely try to do the same with my sister.

It's crazy, the inappropriate things people say to someone who is having fertility issues- especially a friend telling you she'd been disappointed to have conceived so soon, knowing about your MC and how long it took you to get PG after that. People are just plain weird sometimes. I can't imagine how difficult that time must have been for you, especially with that added insensitive comment. So sorry you had to go through that!! But so happy that you did finally get PG with your LO!!

Thanks for the advice, and for the well-wishes!!

 

[JulBee]

Coolstar- you have definitely been through some trying times. Congrats on your long-awaited BFP!! So excited for you Thanks for sympathizing, and you are absolutely right, that being strong is the only way to go. She is my sister, after all, and I do love her and want her to be happy. Great perspective on the pregnant friends and sisters, and I hope I can keep your advice in mind when I do talk with my sister soon!