help with a disrespectful 7 year old

[05mummy07]

My oldest is 7 and I am at my wits end with him. I'm so close to giving up on him and making him go and live with his dad, I know that sounds so horrible but I'm so tired of being treated like dirt on a daily basis.

He helps himself to everything, food from the kitchen cupboards, fridge, he rifles through my bedroom drawers and takes what he wants.

He hits his younger brother who is 4, and as a result my 4 year old is now turning into a nasty little brat where he's learning from my 7 year old.

Tyler (my oldest) doesn't listen to a word me or my partner say, he doesn't let his brother sleep at night (seperate rooms is not an option).

There is so much more but it would take me all day. I just don't know what to do to earn back the respect. I've taken his toys etc off him and that still doesn't work. I bought them a new £300 bunk bed and it's not even a year old and broken where he throws his tantrums on the top bunk.. I just feel like giving up

 

[freckleonear]

That sounds tough.

As far as the food is concerned, I'd recommend setting aside a shelf in the fridge and a low cupboard full of food and snacks for him to help himself too. You could also keep a few plastic plates and cups, a chopping board and blunt knife, and some cutlery in the cupboard too. A step stool might be useful for him to wash up his dishes in the sink afterwards. He will appreciate the independence, and hopefully it will be more obvious what he is and isn't allowed to help himself to.

You also mentioned your bedroom drawers, but I'm not sure what he would want to take from those?

Do you know what particular situations he hits in? "You hit, you sit" (on the sofa/nearby chair) for a few minutes can be a useful rule. Depending on the situation (frustrated/angry/needs to be left alone, etc.) you could offer him some alternative scripts to say to his brother, e.g. "Please leave me alone" or "Give my toy back".

Talk about anger and that it's a valid emotion, but hitting is not an acceptable way to display it. Offer him the chance to bang on drums/shake a rainmaker/pummel cushions/make roaring noises and turn it into a playful game once he is less angry. Help him find some techniques to calm down, such as making and using a mind jar.

It's also important for boys to get some rough and tumble time. Dads are good at that but if he's not around then perhaps you could play wrestling with him instead.

For sleeping, would it be possible to put a small inflatable mattress on your bedroom floor? If he messes around instead of going to sleep, then he has to sleep in your bedroom. He only gets the privilege of his own room if he can be trusted.

 

[05mummy07]

Sleeping in my room isn't really an option either as we have our 8 week old daughter in with us, who is also struggling with sleep as her brothers are messing around so much at bedtimes. But will try everything else you've said.

As for my drawers, he's not after anything in particular, he just likes going through them to see what he can find.

 

[JASMAK]

Wow...I can't imagine wanting to kick my son out. Perhaps he has a hidden dissability that is affecting him???

 

[austinsmom]

My 7 year old eats all day long... so I can see where you're coming from there. How anyone could possible WANT to eat 3 yogurts in 5 minutes... is beyond me As far as being disrespectful... how do you react when he throws these fits? IMO, behavior like this is attention seeking. Negative or positive, children will take what they can get, iykwim. My son was (and still is from time to time) a very spirited child. Pushed the boundaries whenever possible... I took him to drs. off and on for about a year. In the end, I signed him up for a martial arts class (not for violence, but for self discipline), it made a HUGE difference in his attitude. I guess my advice is consistancy and affection. Sounds silly, but it helps. Have you thought about councling/therapy? I know alot of facilities in the US have therapist/counslors to help the family as a whole.. so I don't know if that could be an option for you.
It's not easy hun, wish I could help more

 

[JASMAK]

OK, wss is a good idea. ^

 

[Nicole8126]

I have a pretty good idea of how you must be feeling right now. And saying you feel like he should go live with his Dad?? I know how that feels too..so don't feel guilty for saying it, or think you're alone. It's just not an easy thing to say. I don't think you 'actually' want him to go live with his Dad though do you? Like myself..I can imagine you're just tired of fighting? But don't give up!!

He's probably still angry about the split and is reacting in the only way he knows how Its quite sad really. When my son acts up I look at him & think "why are you doing this to me" but then I have to remind myself that..he's probably not doing it on purpose, and, even if he is, I try not to get angry but instead, try to understand all the frustrations he must be feeling (makes it easier to cope with sometimes, but admittedly, not all the time)

Being in a split family is the HARDEST thing in the world..so give yourself some credit sometimes!!!

Is anything going on when he's with his Dad that maybe influencing his bad behavior??? For example..my sons Father bad mouths me (in a subliminal way of course) The latest goings on here is that he wants to take our son to America in School time. I've expressed my concerns and he goes & tells my son "Mummy doesn't want you to go on Holiday" What?????

Do you know what I have found though? The more patient I am with him, the further I get (not always easy I'll admit) The minute I lose my temper..that's it. I've lost him & he just behaves worse! Do you get frustrated with him easily?? Maybe try & reason with him.

Find out what he likes to do, sometimes a bit of quality time can go a long way...

 

[Nicole8126]

PS...My son also rifles through my things used to drive me bonkers (seriously) I felt as though enough was never enough for him. Nowadays it makes me feel sorry for him. Weird, but it almost makes me feel like he just wants to get a bit closer...

You'll get there Don't let life beat you!! This is going to sound crazy but, when I think about life little hurdles, I like to think that there is something/or someone MAKING me go through these things, and their sitting there watching me & I think to myself "You will not beat me M***a F**ka...." Ha!