Help

[calm]

Okay, so many of you know I have issues with my parents in law so no idea if I'm being over the top.

Whenever they look after them, they put a scarf under their arms and have them walk for ages, and I mean a long time. Its to help them walk. They do stand up and take quite a few steps, but don't have the right balance yet and often fall down. I don't think their method helps as no balance is involved, they just kind of hang a bit like a puppet. Now one of the twins as had for over a month a problem under one arm, an irritation of the skin, he has had two different creams and its still irritated, its baffling. Its just dawned on me it could be the pressure of the scarf thing. Plus yesterday my mum said she could feel he had spasms under his arm. What do you all think? Should I tell them to stop doing it? I'm a being over the top? DH is getting mad as I keep going on about them

 

[tallybee]

Yes I would tell them I'm not ok with it and ask them to stop it. It doesn't sound like a helpful thing to do. I've never heard of doing that and all kids learn in their own time. Would your dh speak to them?

 

[AP]

I would absolutely tell them to stop. They need to learn to build their wee bodies up to walking, in their own time!

 

[BunnyN]

MIL tries to get DS to walk by holding him up and it irritates me. She thinks it is helping but I think things like that are more likely to slow down develpement if anything. She doesn't do it for very long though and because the dont live close its just when they visit so I let it pass. In your situation I think I'd say something.

 

[hlynne]

Wow, please tell them to stop! I have read so much about how important it is for babies to learn to walk on their own. You can't force them to learn. That is a fact. It does also sound like that scarf is irritating them. If they do not stop by you showing them how one of the babies is irritated then that is ridiculous!!

 

[Eleanor ace]

I'd definitely ask them to stop, there's absolutely no need to force them to walk like that. I'd probably fib and say the doctor/nurse whoever has prescribed the cream suggested stopping as it could be irritating his arms and isn't a good idea, if you think that they or your DH will make a fuss.

 

[MindUtopia]

Yes, I'd be upset about this. This sort of practice or excessive finger walking has been shown to delay rather than encourage walking. Plus, even if it isn't causing irritation (lots of things could be behind that, including an infection), certainly it's irritating it and making it worse.

 

[calm]

Thank you everyone. I did make a little white lie and said I had took them to the doctors about it, I plan to soon anyway. They didn't agree, and said the scarf doesn't touch the armpits and that it only goes round the waist, buts its not true, and its not the point anyway. I don't want them doing that awful walk, its obsessive, just like them. I am pretty sure they didn't do it to that extent with their own kids either. Its such a hard situation, because circumstances dictate they see them 4 times a week, and so I have to speak up when I don't like things, and they just think I'm nit picking and being a bitch, and it upsets me a lot I think the kids are doing really well walking wise, and if we didn't have such a cold hard floor would probably would walk all over the house, but I can only let them walk in a controlled way at the moment. Thanks again, it helps me get perspective! Xxxx

 

[Larkspur]

Wow, these guys are really certifiable.

I've read a lot of your threads about them and it strikes me that it might be useful to take a step back and think about the broad-strokes issues that drive a lot of their behaviours, and make a few 'big picture' rules based on that?

Like, this might fall into the "issue" category of "too much focus on pushing the kids to do things before they're ready" or "too much focus on making the kids 'achieve' things".

So perhaps you could make a broad rule that as a parent, it's important to you that your kids are allowed to achieve things in their own time and choose their interests. That means not trying to 'encourage' them walk, not trying to 'teach' them things (or quiz them on things, eg "ABC... what comes after C?), not trying to force certain toys on them, etc.

Having a few simple principles that you/they can keep illustrating or referring back to might make it seem less like constant nit-picking to them?

What do you think?

 

[calm]

I totally agree Larkspur, I've kind of gone that route though, that is the depressing thing. They just deny it, or blank me as I talk, or just agree sometimes like I'm an idiot and then either ignore it, or go to DH behind my back. Families are "a big thing" in Spain, but often in a bad way. They see my children 4 times a week, twice for a week when I work, where they really get quality time with the children as they put them to bed and everything. Another time for 2 hours on a Monday, and then all Saturday afternoon. I'm pretty sure that still they think I'm very selfish for not letting them see them more. My mother in law is highly competitive, and wants the kids to either love her better or more than me, lately I think she find its hard to hide despite them both being very very false "as a living". And I do think the competitive thing rubs off her with the kids, they do want them to arrive to milestones really early. I even talked about this yesterday saying how in the past I was worried they took so long to sit and stay sitting (9 months, quite late in anyone books), so trying to say I could understand, but she just blanks me and talks loudly to the kids like I'm not there, kind of going lalalalalala kind of thing. I do keep speaking my mind though, it does really hurt me, I hate it, but I do it regardless. DH is crap at speaking to his parents, there is no communication in his family as you can see. I think MIL is made so much worse because FIL is at her beck and call with the kids, I know for a fact he wasn't with their own kids, they are both obsessed with our children. I am generally better with my inlaws because I just don't see them anymore. I either let them have them while I work, go shopping or clean, but never spend time with them. I stopped them coming to my house everyday which was so much better, my bonding with my sons got a 1000 times better from that too, as it felt they were continually breaking my time with them. I know how much they would like me not to exist, in the past I don't think it was an issue at all, we got on well enough as they would try very hard to please, but ever since having the children I know I'm the biggest synonym for b*tch that exists for them. I even sometimes worry if something was cooked just for me, thinking to what lengths they might go to get their hands full time on the children, I know, ridiculous on my part! I don't really really think they would poison me lol, but on a bad day, I do wonder just a little

So its hard to tell them anything though Larkspur, to set rules, unless I just push them out our life, and that would be a massive massive issue, a lot bigger than either DH or I could handle. And yesterday apparently in my absence they were walking the children by their hoods of their jackets, which surely would hurt their armpits? I'll have to see on Thursday there are no hoods on their jackets.!

 

[AP]

I would just tell them the doctor/paeditrician said this whole holding them up by hoods/scarfs etc has to stop immediately as it hiders their development. Jeez, if this was going on in my family I wouldnt even have the kids at theirs anymore. You can't possibly live going to these extremes of making sure they have no hoods on their jackets, its just incredible, it needs to stop! Calm, your kiddies are still so young, there is no rush, especially with this walking!!

 

[BunnyN]

Have you tried having a gpod talk with your OH? I would tell him you really need to have some back up to make the relationship work. Family are never perfect and I think for the sake of your kids it is good if they can have some relationship with their grandparents but its hard to make it work if you and OH are not working together. It is not fair on you and if they dont listen to you the only way you can combat it on your own is to withdraw from them more. It would be a shame if your kids end up never seeing them because you OH couldnt manage to stand up for you and himself. I know it is easier said than done but it seems like it would be worth it for him to try to set some rules. They might listen to him better than you. And they might listen to you better if they know he backs you up.

 

[minties]

I don't know how you have the patience and fortitude to put up with this, the sorts of things these people have done and said would make me 99% sure that I would want to leave my OH just to get away from them. Even if I loved OH madly.