Hen do- what the hell was I thinking?!

[JZW]

I'm organising my bff's hen do for next year and at 6months pregnant I stupidly suggested Ibiza for the week. Being a first time mum, I naively thought that by next year June, when my baby will be 8months old, I would be fine and ready to go off partying in Ibiza.

The problem is, now that I've had LO, reality has hit, and I don't think I will be able to do it. Even the thought of leaving her for a week is sending me into a flood of tears.

1. I will miss her far too much, and I don't know how I can do it. she is two months and the only time I have left her is when I had to go to my postnatal appointment and the stupid docs wouldn't let me take her with me. I am so attached to her, I can't leave her. I know she will be fine to be left with others, i just can't do emotionally.

2. We are exclusively breastfeeding, I don't want to deprive her of mummy milk and I would have to somehow pump enough for a whole week's worth of milk. It's a lot of work and if I go, I would have to pump and dump which is an awful waste. I know by then she won't be drinking as much as she will be onto solids but still, going for a whole week just seems so long and I don't want it to cause early weaning etc.

3. Money- it just seems selfish to go for a girlie holiday when I could be spending the money going on a family holiday with DH and LO. Also, I'm taking a year maternity leave so I should really be watching my pennies.

4. General change of lifestyle- Becoming a mum has changed my life completely. I didn't go out every weekend before pregnancy anyway but we did enjoy the occasional night out and drinks. Since becoming pregnant and giving birth, I have not drank at all or gone out partying and I don't miss it whatsoever. My idea of a good night now is staying in snuggling with DH and LO its the complete opposite of a week in Ibiza.

5. My figure- I put on over 4 stones during my pregnancy. The weight is coming off slowly but I have horrendous stretchies and the thought of being in a bikini with 10 other girls who have amazing figures is not exactly filling me with joy. This one is the least of my worries tbh. I'm a mum and my amazing body has given me my amazing LO, it's allowed me to grow her and continue to feed her so I'm not that bothered but thought I would include it anyway as one of my reasons why I don't wanna go

Sorry this is so long, but ladies, what should I do? I can't bail out last minute coz I'm organising and need to get on with sorting it out from beginning of next year so we can get cheap flights and book the villa etc. All the other girls know the plan is to go Ibiza and everyone is excited. I can't not go when I'm the bloody matron of honour?! I know I should explain it to my BFF but I feel like I'm letting her down.

 

[lau86]

Yep, it definately sounds like you don't want to go!! Tell your friend, expect her to be disappointed and upset but she should understand, I like to think so anyway. Maybe arrange a second hen do in the uk just a night out or something and make it extra special to prove its just the going abroad thing your not into and not her wedding. You'll never make that mistake again!!

 

[Fleur29]

I agree with the above poster. You need to talk to your friend ASAP to let her know how you feel. Is there someone else who can take charge of the hen do if you don't go? And then you can organize something in the UK for her too.

I would also maybe leave it a bit open as to whether you go - even if you go for just a couple of nights? It's still 6 months til the hen do and you may by that point feel ready to leave lo for 48 hours and really want to go so I would try and keep your options open and say to the bride that although you don't think you will be able to go, you would like to see how you feel in a few months time. You can always book separately at the last minute.

Xx

 

[JZW]

I think I'm gonna have to tell her

It's gonna be tough but not as tough as being away from my baby for a week I'm such an idiot. I definitely underestimated how motherhood would change me.

I'm thinking by 8 months I might be better at leaving my LO but I think I'm just kidding myself again... Better to cancel now then to cancel when it's all booked. I think I might offer to organise it anyway, but just not go.

 

[JZW]

Yep, it definately sounds like you don't want to go!! Tell your friend, expect her to be disappointed and upset but she should understand, I like to think so anyway. Maybe arrange a second hen do in the uk just a night out or something and make it extra special to prove its just the going abroad thing your not into and not her wedding. You'll never make that mistake again!!

Yes she will definitely understand. She is an amazing friend and I'm just worried about disappointing her. I will definitely offer to do a second hen do in the uk coz I know not everyone will be able to make it abroad.

 

[lovehearts]

I would defo talk to your friend. My LO is 8 months now and I could not go away for a week. I have to go on a hen do when he will be 11 months for 2 nights and I'm dreading that. Unfortunately it's for my sister so I don't have a choice lol. I think it's just because that's not what I'm about anymore, going and getting drunk for a weekend just isn't my thing now I'm a mommy!

Perhaps suggest a spa break for you and the other bridesmaids, an overnight stay perhaps.

xx

 

[Fascination]

I'd tell her exactly how you feel. She's bound to understand that your priorities have changed now and I'm sure she won't be disappointed; she's still getting to have her holiday with her friends and it's not like you can't all do something together in the UK :] it doesn't even have to be a night out, the spa break that lovehearts suggested is a fab idea ^^ a bit of pampering before the big day.

Don't worry though, she's your BFF, she probably already has an idea anyway :] x

 

[k4th]

Aw Hun

The other posters have said it all really. I just wanted to add that I couldn't go on my bf's hen do in march (lo was 8 weeks) and she was very, very understanding when I talked to her about it. I was a bridesmaid at her wedding in June & didn't stay the whole evening either coz I missed lo & she understood that too.

My dd is now 9 mths & there's no way I could do a week without her. I think the sooner you talk to your friend the more time she has to get used to it all. Good luck talking to her, hope she's as understanding as my bf was

 

[ashley2pink]

Hun. I would say the whole bf'ing thing and that your lo doesnt like bottles nor do you want her to refuse the breast after you being gone so long. Nipple confusion or breast rejection after a full week of just bottles is a real possibility. I like you wouldn't even have to give it a 2nd thought. I would 100% not even leave my baby for even 1 day! Okay not even 1 hour.

 

[alicemummy]

If your 100% sure you don't want to go, and won't regret not going, then tell her ASAP.

If she is your friend, she will understand- but no doubt she will be a little upset for a while!!!

XX

 

[kaths101]

yes explain like you have on here, the main thing is the breastfeeding. You never know she might change her mind about going at all if you cant go.. Definetly suggest arranging a uk one and passing the ibiiza one to someone else!

I know how you feel, I thought I would be back at work after afew months but now baby is here - that is not going to happen.. it chnages everything doesnt it.

p.s You also will be P*****ed and on the floor after one drink!! I know I would!

 

[wishingonastar]

Talk to your friend asap, explain all your reasons and emphasise how you know she'll be disappointed but you truly didn't envisage feeling like this or foresee things like financial impact whilst on mat leave.

Unfortunately, I have a toddler and a baby and a good friend of mine wanted me to go on her hen do abroad for a long weekend next year and I didn't feel comfortable for a number of reasons but also absolutely can't even afford it and sadly, although she said she understands she has completely cut me out and is ignoring me now. I feel hurt because I was majorly apologetic and I know she's disappointed but I'd like to think our friendship meant more than cutting me out for missing her hen do for good reasons

Sorry...I hope your friend is more understanding but your post just struck a chord cos I've been there!

I think its a great idea to organise one in england for you to go to as well and will hopefully ease her disappointment

 

[JZW]

Thanks for all your replies. Glad to hear I'm not the only one who can't even leave LO for an hour! It does change everything and I feel so naive now coz I always said having children won't change me.

I'm gonna talk to her after Xmas and hopefully she will understand my reasons.

Sorry to hear that your friend has fallen out with you wishingonastar. I really hope we won't fall out over this. I just feel like such an idiot and that I brought this all on myself for suggesting Ibiza. My priorities have changed and I know she will be upset but I can't just go along with it.

 

[Jodie.82]

aw I really feel for you!
one of my close friends organised her wedding while pregnant and let her best friend organise Ibiza for the weekend thinking that as her son would be 6 months old by then she'd be fine.....she really wasn't! she nearly pulled out a milliong times, was in tears all the way there and spent the 2nd day looking at flights to fly home a day early. we all had a great weekend but felt so bad for her as she just missed him way too much and didnt enjoy it at all!
I would talk to your friend sooner rather than later and like you said she is a good friend she should understand
unfortunately though until someone has children themselves they just cannot imagine how they will feel!
xx

 

[Brookey]

cant your partner and lo go aswell? i know it sounds crazy but you could stay in a quiet resort with your family n just meet your friends for a couple of nights out?

best of both worlds1x

 

[JZW]

cant your partner and lo go aswell? i know it sounds crazy but you could stay in a quiet resort with your family n just meet your friends for a couple of nights out?

best of both worlds1x

This did cross my mind and would be the ideal situation but I'm not sure whether our budget would stretch to this as DH is the best man and organising the stag do abroad so if we do this, we would effectively be paying for two holidays for him when we are both working we have plenty of money for luxuries and holidays but I'm planning on taking a whole year off and also we will be ttc soon (we are hoping for two under two) so ideally want to save money where we can.

 

[JZW]

aw I really feel for you!
one of my close friends organised her wedding while pregnant and let her best friend organise Ibiza for the weekend thinking that as her son would be 6 months old by then she'd be fine.....she really wasn't! she nearly pulled out a milliong times, was in tears all the way there and spent the 2nd day looking at flights to fly home a day early. we all had a great weekend but felt so bad for her as she just missed him way too much and didnt enjoy it at all!
I would talk to your friend sooner rather than later and like you said she is a good friend she should understand
unfortunately though until someone has children themselves they just cannot imagine how they will feel!
xx

I think that will be exactly what I would be like as well if I made myself go.

It's so true that until someone has children, they won't know how they will feel about leaving their LOs. I take my LO everywhere with me, and if the place isn't child friendly, I would rather not go. My days of fancy restaurants and nice bars are well and truly over.

 

[puddycats]

im sure your friend will understand, especially if u mention about a 2nd hen do over here for people that cant make/afford to go abroad, who turn down a 2nd hen do lol, i know for me not a chance would i be able to go away from my lo, even for a night and i agree no one trully understand whats its like til there a mum thereselves x