Her dad forces to eat food she doesn't like.. Advice please

[Kandl123]

My lg who is 4, she'll be 5 in June is a fussy eater and she will only eat of very few things. For example, chips & nuggets/fish fingers/pizza, pancakes, jacket potato & beans, mash potatoes and veg, sandwiches & bananas. But that's mainly all she'll eat.. Me and her dad are separated and have been since she was a baby. She normally goes to his on a weekend, but recently she's started to not want to go to her dads. Crying and saying she'll miss me. I keep on asking her if there's anything else and she says no. But last night she said to me she wanted to tell me something, and told me that her nanan and dad make her eat food she doesn't like, they make her eat what they are eating.. It could be anything. I don't understand why they'd make her eat something she clearly doesn't like. She told me if she tells them she doesn't like it, they make her sit at the table until she's eaten it. WHY!?!

Yeah I've tried her on foods we are eating but she'll sit and pick at it, she'll chew same piece of food for 10 minutes. So I make her, her own food. Why force her to eat something she isn't enjoying? I know I wouldn't eat something I didn't like!

So my question really is.. What would you do in my situation? I've told my daughter she shouldn't eat anything she doesn't want to. And all she said was "they make me" 😢

 

[SophiasMummy]

I think you need to speak to her dad. You need to work together especially when it comes to things like eating.

My daughter is a fussy eater too. It doesn't mean she gets away with having food she wants all the time especially now she's at school she has school dinners and mostly eats what she's given unless it's spicy which is fair enough. She's far more picky at home and I won't force her to eat something, but will really try to encourage it and she knows if she doesn't eat at least the majority of her food she isn't allowed anything else after.

 

[jd83]

To be honest, I think both sound like extreme opposite ends of the spectrum and I think it would be much better to work toward a compromise in the middle for both homes. You fixing her completely separate meals all the time, just so that she is getting foods she likes, isn't going to help her expand her variety of foods. Tastes change. She may find she likes different things as she gets older, but she's not going to try different things if you always allow her to just ask for foods she knows she likes. Your ex forcing her to eat an entire plate of food he knows she hates is the other extreme. I think that's definitely too much, and forcing food is going to end up causing her food issues beyond just pickiness.

My DS1 was a very picky eater right from the time we started introducing solids. I mean very picky. Would gag himself on things he didn't like, or outright refuse to eat at all. It was very difficult finding a balance that helped him to increase his variety of foods. What we ended up finding to work the best out of everything we tried was offering the meal we fixed, regardless of whether it was something he liked or not, and always including at least one item he would eat on his plate. New/unliked items were offered in small portions, only a few bites, so it wouldnt be overwhelming. We encouraged him to try the new food, and praised him if he did. If he didn't eat it, he still didn't starve though, since there was always something on his plate he would eat, without me having to fix him an entirely different meal. If he refused a lot of foods in a day, I would give him a pediasure drink to help make up nutrients. Our pediatrician though this approach would be the most helpful, so that he didn't come to expect separate meals all the time, knowing he could always get what he wanted vs trying new things. It's not been a fast process, where we saw immediate results. But he is 5, nearly 6 now, and his variation in diet now vs at 1-2 yrs old is huge. He eats so many things now, and likes so many healthy foods now, that he never even would have tried at all back then. Over time, he just became more willing to at least try bites of things, and then over more time, liked things he tried. You guys are going to have to be patient with her, and find a way to meet in the middle on how you approach this. Both of you approaching it so completely differently is not going to get either of you anywhere.

 

[suzib76]

if it were me i wouldnt allow mine to go until they stopped being so stupid. im not a fan of the old school thoughts on eating and have always been quite relaxed around food issues which most kids to get past eventually.

its bordering on abusive imo to force a child to eat anything

 

[Cjayne]

I agree with the poster that said both seems at either end of the spectrum and a compromise should be made. I wouldn't be happy with my OH forcing my LO to eat something he couldn't stand. I also wouldn't be happy if LO refused to eat something and OH said 'Okay I'll get you something else'

If LO doesn't like something - I won't force him to eat it. But at the same time, I won't then go and make him something else that he wants because it's encouraging him not to try new things. We have a variety of foods in this house. x

 

[AngelofTroy]

I don't make separate meals. If my son doesn't eat a meal i make for us all then that's fine but he won't get a seperate 'kids meal', he might get a banana or slice of plain toast before bed if it's an evening meal.

You need to talk to your ex and find a compromise.

 

[caz_hills]

I wouldn't force our son to eat something I knew he doesn't like. But he will turn his nose up at food he doesn't know - and I encourage him to try everything once. But he isn't a great eater and it sometimes feels easier to make him something I know he likes. But we try to all eat together. I'm trying to reintroduce some foods he said he doesn't like such as mash potato but like someone else said, the rest of the foods for example on his plate would be things he likes - that way he eats something but tries other stuff. It's tough but I'd speak to her father and try and explain that forcing isn't the answer.

It's tough x

 

[SarahBear]

While I don't make separate meals for my kids, forcing food creates food issues and you don't want to create food issues. You need to speak with him about it and come to a compromise that promotes healthy eating habits. Do you have a legal situation where you are required to have her go to his house? If not, I agree with the person who said to not send her until this is sorted.

 

[kittylady]

We put everything in the middle of the table and choose from that. Nobody is forced to eat but we dont have separate meals. I can't afford to for a start. I believe children copy actions not words so we don't have foods in the house we don't want them to eat and they can eat anything in the house. Junk/sweet things are ok outside the house as an occasional thing but we don't make a big thing either way if they are offered. The only exception is baked goods as my daughter likes to cook although we are experimenting with banana as a replacement for sugar at the moment (kids love to try things we've made). We also won't tell them we don't like things as we believe this influences them. I hate cucumbers and tomatoes and my husband dislikes hummus and we have eaten them anyway and our daughters eat all three, the eldest isn't so keen on hummus but the youngest wolf's it down and they both eat tomato and cucumber. My eldest is 4 in July and has always hated mushrooms but yesterday she requested and ate them from the serving dish in the middle. We started doing this when she was 2 and fussy and it seems less threatening then a plate of food she feels she has to eat, it can be quite overwhelming. My mum was forced to eat and even now in her 60s has all sorts of hang ups with food and still recalls the dread. Please work together on this. My husband's cousin has 3 and almost had a nervous breakdown because she was cooking 5 meals a night as everyone (including her and her husband) all had something different. Best wishes xx

 

[SarahBear]

One thing I do as a compromise between cooking a separate meal and making Violet have what we're having is I allow her to choose to eat something else as long as it's healthy. This evening, she had an apple for dinner. If she asks for a banana, I'll peel it, but an orange takes a bit more time and effort... If she wants something that takes away from me being able to sit down and eat my meal, she has to wait until I'm done... and I don't rush my meal when she does this.

 

[zorak]

Personally I think stopping visits is extreme over what essentially is a difference of opinion. That being said both parents need to figure this out.

We don't do separate meals. Even my 9 month old gets given whatever we are eating. We do a mix of spoon feeding and letting him feed himself. My toddler knows he doesn't get a yogurt unless he tries to eat some dinner. Usually he enjoys everything but on the rare occasion he really doesn't like something he is not given any alternative at the table and is not given his yogurt. I do however give him cereal or toast before bed. Everyone comments on how fantastic an eater he is and I really think it's just because we model good eating. We all eat together, he knows he can ask for condiments and he knows he is expected to sit at the table until everyone is finished. I think doing this from a really young age is key. I have an aunt who made seperate meals for my cousins, she was always stressed and even as adults they are all poor eaters and obese because of it.

 

[cupcake23]

'Force' is such a strong word... I see this as a physical action which is abusive but making/ coaxing is different... Idk.... I don't make separate meals for my children, my dd who is 6 can be fussy but she knows she has to try everything on her plate, she will make faces and try to get out of it but she can't leave the table/ have a yogurt if she doesn't eat it so we compromise on the potion amount as I know another time she will happily eat the exact same meal with no problems.

This is something you will have to compromise with your ex, explain how dd feels and I'm sure he would be upset to know that his own dd feels this way so I'm sure he will be willing to adapt how meal times will go.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I do separate meals. I'd not be happy with forcing to eat.

 

[Septie]

I would think there is no way this should prevent visits to dad - as both viewpoints, while extreme, are valid parenting choices (assuming they don't stuff the food down her throat - but it doesn't appear that's the case). Some people will agree with you, some with your ex, most will fall in the middle...My eldest (6) doesn't like fish, my middle child (4) doesn't like eggs - well, we still eat fish and eggs, and they are "forced" to eat them, even if they don't like it. What do I mean by forced? Well, they won't get a different meal, and if they don't eat it, they'll get some plain veggies, or bread, or a banana, before going to bed, but certainly no desert, and no favorite foods.

 

[loeylo]

I would think there is no way this should prevent visits to dad - as both viewpoints, while extreme, are valid parenting choices (assuming they don't stuff the food down her throat - but it doesn't appear that's the case). Some people will agree with you, some with your ex, most will fall in the middle...My eldest (6) doesn't like fish, my middle child (4) doesn't like eggs - well, we still eat fish and eggs, and they are "forced" to eat them, even if they don't like it. What do I mean by forced? Well, they won't get a different meal, and if they don't eat it, they'll get some plain veggies, or bread, or a banana, before going to bed, but certainly no desert, and no favorite foods.

I agree with this. My wee one is too young to properly eat but this is exactly how I was brought up. A famous dinnertime phrase was "like it or lump it" - I'm a brilliant eater and have been since I was tiny, there are some foods I genuinely didn't like (fish and broad beans, still don't eat either although those are the only ones) which I would refuse to eat, if the rest of the family were having fish then I would still have some on my plate which I just didn't eat.

 

[kbwebb]

growing up my mum did different meals some times 3 different meals!! if me and my sister both wanted something different, she hated it and both me and my sister are still picky eaters today although i have got better about it. with my DD she is sometimes picky but i refuse to make different meals every night.. if its curry or something then i will as she doesnt like spices and has been offered it many many times but other than that she eats what we do or a 'version' of what we have.

for example, if we have spaghetti bolgnaise, i will do the same for her but i will put her sauce to the side of her plate as she doesnt like it 'touching' the pasta. if we have fajitas she will have plain chicken instead of chicken with spice on.
i think its about balence, acknoledging she doesnt like something and offering something she does like as part of the meal but not giving chips every day (like my mum did iwth me)

 

[Tasha]

My Dad was the same as your little one's dad and even now I can't eat foods with certain textures as I can remember gagging on them as I tried to force it down as I had to remain at the table until it was eaten. I do think that is forcing someone and I don't think it promotes a healthy attitude to food at all. I'd talk to him though.

 

[Kandl123]

Thanks for the replies everyone & sorry for the delay in replying back to you.
I'll still stand by what I said and I think it is completely wrong that she is made to eat foods. I really do think it will cause issues. I asked him about it and why he can't make her a separate meal and his reply? It was "I'm not cooking 2 different meals just so she can eat something she likes, she can eat what we have whether she likes it or not"!

 

[.Mrs.B.]

Would he be willing to add one thing to her plate that he knows she'll eat? I never make a separate meal for mine but I always make sure that there's something on their plates that they're sure to eat. If he's actually forcing her to consume food though that is an issue that really needs addressing, nobody should go through that.

 

[mum140381]

i always think would you like it as an adult being made to sit and eat something you didnt like ?
i never make my children eat
i also let them choose what they want for tea ok i might have to make 7 different meals but thats just me