He's M.I.A. I can't find him and don't know where he lives

[Maybe1stBaby]

So I posted this earlier before I knew there were single mom forums, so please forgive me if you've seen this thread before, but I'd still value insight and perspective from those who have traveled down this road.

I just found out I'm pregnant, and my boyfriend is not responding to my calls or texts. I even sent him a picture of the positive pregnancy test. No response.

This would be one thing if we were teenagers, but he is a grown, middle-aged man. We were not trying, this is definitely unplanned (and is throwing a curveball in my plans), and had discussed what we would do if I got pregnant.

We were even going to get engaged before all this, and had picked out a ring at Tiffany's and he had planned this romantic evening to ask me on his birthday, then lo and behold, he said his daughter (adult, adopted) was in the hospital, and then he flew out of town and was AWOL for almost a week with no contact, save one really strained brief phone call.

Then when he came back, he said his daughter had died. He then left after spending one day with me (in bed), so I can believe he is grieving, and out of town handling his affairs (and not out having affairs), but still...shouldn't he have at least had the human decency to respond to a phone call or text? Especially when you receive news like this? I think destiny, God, or fate is very strange to have taken a daughter and then blessed him with a child at the same time, and I can understand this may be overwhelming to him, but what about me?

I'm 27 years old, newly pregnant for the first time, and an utter basketcase! I have no job, no car (and I live in a major city where a car is needed), and no resources. My family lives on the other side of the country! And I'm not a millionaire, like he is, so I don't have the resources he does. A teeny part of me thinks the daughter situation was just an elaborate lie and ruse to get out of getting engaged to me because there have been a lot of red flags and warnings about the relationship and my friends definitely think there is something suspect about him. For all I know he could already be married and I'm the other woman.

I'm starting to think I will be raising this blessing alone. I don't think we (baby and me) should be around someone who doesn't love us and makes us cry.

How can men just disappear? Will the stress and pain affect my baby? Should I give him another chance if and when he decides to come around? I have been texting and calling to no avail. I don't even know how to reach his family. I do know his office/company he owns here, but what do I do? He flies all over the world for business, and has admitted to me before he used to have a woman in every city he visited, but swore up and down he was in love for the first time, I'm the only one, he wants to marry me, etc, etc. It just doesn't add up. Why doesn't he want me by his side if his daughter (who I've never met) died? Shouldn't the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with be there at the funeral?

I'm so miserable. I feel scared and alone and not at all financially or emotionally ready to have a baby.

Yes I'm considering abortion, (a thought that I am not considering lightly) but I'm not even sure that's a valid option for me.

He is well-off (although he never helped me--I might get evicted because I have dwindled my savings down in this rough economy), so the money aspect of having a baby is not an issue for him and that can't possibly be why he went AWOL with no contact. His treatment of me has made what was supposed to be a joyous (albeit surprise) celebration of life into a nightmare of uncertainty, worry and fear.

How much time should I give him to make contact? What can I possibly do short of hiring a private investigator to find out everything he has kept from me?

At this point, I feel like I would much rather have the kid, take him to court, and have nothing more to do with him romantically.

Help please? Advice...perspectives, help please.

I think I'm dealing with a sociopath.

 

[BecW.]

Wow, my advice is to have the child.
Whether he is there in person or not, you can get support.
LOOK INTO HIS LIFE
there is something not adding right. . .

A baby is a blessing, and after the end of all of this, it's all going to be worth it.

Stay Strong.

 

[jocelynmarie]

My goodness, that is a very rough situation. You have to think long and hard about what is right for you. Its my belief that no pregnancy is a mistake, but a blessing even if it wasn't planned.

He is just as responsible for this baby as you are, even if he doesn't want to have a part of the child's life he is absolutely financially responsible to help raise the baby.

Good luck to you hon

 

[Maybe1stBaby]

Wow, my advice is to have the child.
Whether he is there in person or not, you can get support.
LOOK INTO HIS LIFE
there is something not adding right. . .

A baby is a blessing, and after the end of all of this, it's all going to be worth it.

Stay Strong.

Hey there! Thanks so much. You're in the City of Angeles too! Nice! Do you know of any in person single mommy support groups?

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

well even if right now hes not involved, after the baby is born, a court can make him be involved. Well order him to be and if he doesnt then fine but then you can get him on contempt of court.

Also, if you know his first and last name- Google Search him/his family...(especially see if this sisters death shows up!!), use the whitepages and see if you can find him/his family (send a certified letter!!)...get on Facebook and look.
There are things you can do on your own with a PI or money.

 

[Mummyplus3]

I would give him some space give him a few days and see if he responds if his daughter has just died your probably just screwing his head up even more.

although it does just sound like you've been sucked in by his lies and are just another woman.

I would google like the user said above and see what you can find out.

Try to get some clarity on the situation and then think about what your going to do, if you go ahead all guns blazing you may do something you regret!

good luck! x

 

[billy2mm]

like jen said google his ass!!!

sounds like something isnt quite right there. maybe telling him you are pregnant over a text wasnt the best idea in hind sight - maybe it scared him and he bolted

i would send one last text or email saying along the lines of "its obvious you dont want to be involved but this baby deserves to know his/her father."

 

[Maybe1stBaby]

Thanks for your support everyone. Today I sent him a text saying "I don't want to do this, but I intend to let everyone in your office here in Los Angeles and all of your relatives I can dig up know about all the broken promises, how you led me on, said we were going to get married, and then disappeared. Then in 8 months I'm taking you to court, and the courts can figure out how to track you down).

A bit extreme perhaps, but not even a minute later I got a response. He texted me and then called. He said he had been out of the US and just got back in today, and now he's in a meeting and he'll drop by my apartment afterwards (again, no time frame, but still better than being shut out).

Yes sending a text message was probably not the right thing to do in retrospect, but I was so excited and wanted to share the news with the person who helped create this life inside of me.

I'm really thinking of going it alone though. He hasn't treated me right throughout my relationship and I really don't want to go through this pregnancy with him missing appointments and getting my emotions all messed up with every broken promise.

It's amazing how much we as women put up with.

 

[billy2mm]

suddenly you text him an ultimatum and he is only just back in the country? how stupid does he think you actually are?!

i would have it all out with him as soon as possible. i dont think there will be much of a future if im brutally honest from what you have said - too many things not right and more than a few skeletons in the closet i think

congrats on the btw

 

[Maybe1stBaby]

Thanks billy2mm. I completely agree. And now I'm seething with rage and really hurt that he's been in an "unbelievably important" meeting for the past few hours.

What on earth is more important than figuring this out right now????

Money????? It's not like he needs any more of that. Whatever this business situation is---it could wait, I think. His behavior has been utterly reprehensible and I am so sorry my baby will have his DNA.

What's even worse is that I made the foolish mistake of telling my neighbor about how he said he was going to ask me to marry him, and she keeps asking about my non-existent ring. I've been more candid with this forum than I have with people in my life, so it makes me feel so ashamed every time I run into her (today for instance) and she asks to see the rock.

I feel like throwing up. He is making me sick to my stomach! Oh the joys of being pregnant.

 

[MikaylasMummy]

he sounds completely dodgy to me but i hope for ur sake he comes good and lives up to his promises