Hesitant about TTC#2

[Wnt2beAMom]

I have a few conflicting thoughts about TTC....maybe I just need to write them out and any comments/advice/experience would be appreciated

We have always said we wanted two kids, but not too sure about the age gap. I've always wanted a big age gap. DH wants a small age gap. I want my kids to get along (which I hear small age gaps help) but I want more time with DS1 before adding to the family. We have agreed to NTNP in 3 months since I don't even have my periods back yet.

DS1 still breastfeeds (A LOT!), cosleeps, and over all he is very high needs and high energy. He is very strong willed and just tests my confidence all the time with him. I somewhat feel like I've failed him and maybe I just shouldn't have anymore kids because I'm a bad mom. I feel his behaviour is a result of my parenting. He can be so hard to control I couldn't imagine looking after two....
So, maybe I feel like waiting for #2 until I "have a handle" on parenting and ds1 becomes better behaved. I feel like this may be never sometimes....

I feel like we still need to stick to our original plan of two kids with a 2.5 year age gap and it will just work out.
I do miss pregnancy and even got some baby fever when my friend announced she was pregnant last month. She is due in September...

I'm also petrified of labour and birth again. I had a traumatic birth - I was put under general for a c section and didn't get to see orr hold my son for close to 5 hours It took a long time to bond with him because I felt like I didn't know where he came from....He looked just like me and I knew I had been pregnant. But then I was just thrust into caring for a baby.
I could keep writing about how hard it was but I remember I was happy to finally have a baby like I always wanted and that I needed to be grateful.

I guess I obsessed so much about having a baby and doing everything right. Having a perfect pregnancy and birth and baby. Then I have been so disappointed because it has been NOTHING like I expected. I love my son. But many time I wish I hadn't wanted this so bad. So that's kind of why I'm scared to have #2. I'm still adjusting to this and don't want things to change again. Even though back then I wanted my life to change and knew it would change with a baby. Sometimes I want my old life back and if I have #2 I'll just get even further from that.

I don't really know what I'm asking of anyone who reads this...I'm just venting....thanks

 

[vickyandchick]

Big, big
Your experience sounds similar to mine, bar the c section, and one of the reasons we're leaving it a while to TTC number 2 is because I feel the same way you do at times.
This whole parenting lark is hard and it sounds as if you're doing a fab job. Have you spoke to your DH about how you feel? X

 

[krissie328]

I think all children come with their own set of challenges and personalities. My son can be very strong willed and push me. He definitely is always on the go. But I expect that from a toddler boy.

I often worry about my ability to cope with two. When my son was 13 months old I was pretty firm in the not ready to have another one camp. But now at 20 months I am finally feeling like I am ready for that leap.

Try talking to your husband and explain that you aren't feeling ready and that you would like to revisit it in 6 months. My DH and his brother are that far apart and while they did fight a lot they were also good friends. Plus that gives your DS a good amount of time with you and he will better understand a new baby.

My DH has been waiting on me to feel ready. And at the end of the day I believe if I am not ready then the timing is not right.

 

[TanyaW]

Honestly there is no right answer. My first was my whole world, I completely spoiled her. My husband wanted another, I wasn't ready I felt the same way worried I wouldn't love them as much, worried it would take too much time from her etc. I gave him one shot on our honeymoon. Lol well guess what that's all it took. 9 months later enters my second daughter. She was hearing impaired, she had acid reflux, colic, and hip dysplagia. To say she was a hard baby would be vastly understating it. I felt really bad for my then 2 year old. However, in time I notice she was starting to do things on her own, she was playing more and seemed willing to go places with gma and daddy etc. She started to become her own person rather and more independent. Now that they are 2 and 4 it's so perfect. They always have each other, they play nicely together and they are always hugging and cuddling. I wouldn't change it for the world, but I can def understand the hesitation

 

[fxmummyduck]

I think if anyone had suggested having a second baby when lo was 13 months is have laughed in their face! I don't think I really recovered from birth until 11 months and then, everything is still so new you're still learning about your lo and they are changing month by month. I still wasn't ready when lo was 22 months but my dh sat me down and we had an honest conversation about it. He was ready, I simply wasn't and he understood. So I said we'd talk again after I'd had some thinking time , I posted here a lot about it, then I set a date! That was the best thing I did, so I could mentally prepare for it and want to ttc. The date did come with a if I'm still not ready then we'd wait again! But so far I haven't felt like changing the date and late May June is nearly upon us!!!

Be kind to yourself, it's still so close to your first.

 

[MindUtopia]

I would say wait until you feel like you have a handle on things and are ready. Obviously just coming from my personal experience, but there is no way in hell I would have been ready when my daughter was 13 months. Actually, that was just a really hard time and I was having a lot of doubts about everything and how I would cope with her at that age. She's 3 now and we're planning to TTC later this year, aiming to have a 4.5 year age gap. If I had a choice, maybe I would have aimed for 4 years (I have international travel for work next May/June, so can't be so pregnant by that point that I won't be able to fly, hence the wait until later in the summer). But now that my daughter is 3, things are much easier and I feel I could manage two. There's no way I would have wanted to do it sooner. That's not to say small age gaps are bad and everyone has different levels of what they can manage and what works for them, but I felt like I really wanted to enjoy the time I had with my daughter and be really ready to do it again. We also co-sleep, though not breastfeeding, and we parent very responsively, so it can feel very intense (compared to maybe having a baby that STTN from like 4 months and doesn't need as much from you). I don't see the point of a small age gap (for me) if it means that my well-being and my marriage suffers under the added stress just so I can have two kids who are closer in age and might grow up to be better friends. Also, it's just finances. There is no way we could afford two kids in nursery at 800 quid a month each, so waiting until my daughter starts school means it's financially viable too. So I decided I'd rather keep my sanity, enjoy my time with just one, not blow as much money on childcare so soon, and have a chance to enjoy time with my husband when we have the freedom to do things like go out to dinner alone or spend a night away alone (first time will be in May!) or more easily take family trips away for a bit. You might absolutely feel like in 3 months time you are ready. But if you don't, I would say don't beat yourself up if you feel like you need to wait awhile longer. So much changes so quickly in the next couple years and you may find you feel massively different about it in 6 or 12 months time. I would just make sure you genuinely feel ready.

 

[Wnt2beAMom]

Thanks everyone I think we will see how we feel in 3 months and go from there, but maybe we will end up waiting longer....thanks

 

[jessmke]

We were originally only planning on having 1 baby, but now I find myself really wanting my daughter to have a sibling. She is only 3 months old and I am already considering having another, even though I absolutely hated being pregnant. I like the idea of a small age gap because I feel like the newborn stage won't be as much of a shock to the system if I had just recently gone through it with my first. I also feel like the crappy parts of having kids (diapers, sleep deprivation) will get over with quicker with a smaller age gap, rather than toilet training the first and then a year later having to start doing diapers all over again. I haven't talked to OH about it yet, but he always said that if we have more than one he would want them very close together so I think he will be on board. We are getting married this September and going on a honeymoon at the end of November, so I think we will probably TTC when we are on our honeymoon. DD will be almost exactly a year old, so hopefully AF will be back by then.

I also really want a chance to labour/give birth again. I wasn't happy with how my first labour went (wasn't traumatic per se, just didn't go how I wanted it to) and I really want a chance to do it "right".

Maybe I will feel differently in a year when my DD is mobile and talking and likely being more of a handful than she is now!