Hi, Im new to the group

[MMMMinnie]

Hi Ladies,

I am a soldier and I believe due to that I have a hard time sharing my feelings. My family and friends have some idea but no one truly knows how much it is effecting me not to be a mom. I have dreamt of becoming a mom since I was seven years old the day that my baby sister was born. I used to pretend that she was my child and take her everywhere that I went.

As an adult I officially starting trying to get pregnant when I was eighteen years old but was unsuccessful. It may have been good thing since shortly after that I joined the military. I had a long time boyfriend and was even engaged at one point. Him and I tried to convince throughout our relationship but again with no success which may have been a blessing. When I returned from deployment him and I broke up.

A few years later I got married to my "the one" and we are coming up on our nine year anniversary. Prior to dating we were friends for three years. Now it comes to the reason that I became part of this group. You ladies might be the only people in this world who truly understand what I am going through.

We starting trying to conceive almost immediately and every month that past I would get extremely excited with high hopes but every month my period came. In the beginning I figured will maybe we just missed our "time." However I soon become obsessed and started to get sad and angry every month that my period came. By the second year of trying I decided to research everything about conceiving. I took my baseline temp every morning, tracked my period via chart, tracked when we had intercourse, tracked my monthly, weekly, and daily discharge, and any other patterns without my cycle. After another year passed I started getting tested for everything as well as my husband but apparently "nothing" was wrong with us. That information was not at all helpful so we continued to try and every month I got a blood test even if my period started. This started to completely tear me apart inside by 2007 I started to secretly cry every time that I was alone especially in the shower. What made this worse was that my baby sister started having children, then my brother, my brother in law, then my sister in law who cant even keep a damn job and lives off of her mother, and soon everyone around me started popping out children. I tried to be happy for them and I smiled all the time and TOLD them that I was happy for them but this was making me more and more depressed everyday to the point where suicide became an option. Most of the people having children around me didn't even want them nor were financially stable. I was sad and angry all the time I couldn't decide which emotion I was feeling more or still feeling rather.

In 2010 I starting taking clomid every other month and every month as always I failed to conceive. I have been blaming myself for our failure for the past nine years and it feels like no one can understand nor cares how I truly feel. Last year we started doing IUI procedures, and Up until last month we were doing IUI with clomid but this past cycle we started injections. I am on my day ten after the IUI procedure and I had been extremely emotional and tired this past week. I actually started crying for no logical reason whatsoever. At times it was nearly in public. No one even knows that I cry or feel sadness (no one) so this is completely odd.

I am terrified of the results especially since currently my husband is on the west coast (military) and Im still on the east coast. Im not sure that I can trust myself alone so I am begging every night to finally be pregnant.

Im sorry this was so long and I truly hope that I am still welcomed in this group.

Minnie

 

[europa59]

Welcome Minnie! I haven't been here long, but this forum is fantastic.

I've been in the same place you are. After my last IUI, I randomly broke down crying in the aisle in Walmart that runs in front of the baby section. Hang in there. It will happen. You might not know how or when, but it will happen. Our first little miracle is actually adopted -she almost literally landed on our doorstep. We didn't expect that, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

You will be a mom. You have to believe!

 

[MMMMinnie]

Thank you for your support and story it's things like this that will help me gain strength. I am excited that your story had such a position side. Have a wonderful day.

 

[Myshelsong]

Hi hun, I am so sorry to hear about your long journey.

I would like to invite you to join our support thread
https://babyandbump.momtastic.com/p...-1-support-group-please-share-your-story.html

There are a few of us that have been at it for a while and use it to vent and just talk about our everyday struggles and talk about our life right now. I was just saying to some of the newer members that for me the hardest thing is realizing that life goes on even when we are stuck. People have lives and we live in two week increments and mourn monthly when af arrives. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through and it is a struggle every single day not to break down or sleep all day, but we have to get up and move on. I take those five minutes to cry when I have to and allow myself to wallow in the shit ass hole I find myself but then I have to get over it and do something.

Being alone and I such an emotional state is the worst thing in the world, if you can I would suggest trying to talk to someone. Counselling is an amazing thing if you can get the courage to go but even finding one friend or family member that can be your sounding board for when you want to just cry and scream without judgment is helpful.

Understand you are not alone and I hope you get your miracle baby soon.

 

[AlannahWard]

Hello Minnie, I am also active duty military. My husband is across the country from me, so trying to conceive is extremely difficult, especially when trying to time it right when you only get certain times to visit, like four day weekends and block leave. Please keep us updated, I would love to hear from you!

 

[MMMMinnie]

I just returned from the field. I was in the field for the past four weeks and during that time was due to find out if I finally made the mama cut or not. I am a medic in the military and we build an entire hospital from the ground up. I tried to take it easy and was unsuccessful. On July 22, 2014 I had our lab tech draw my blood and run a pregnancy test well I got another freaking negative. However, I was so busy with patients night and day that I couldn't fully feel my emotional terra. Anyways, since my return I have been having several outbursts as in crying every time that I see someone with a baby. And to make things worse I spent all night in the delivery room assisting with my besties new family member. It was the most amazing experience EVER. I even separated mama and child. But inside I couldn't help but to think when is my turn finally going to get here.
Also, the first day of school is tomorrow so I get to wish everyone luck but I just truly want to be sending "my own child" off to school. It saddens me the most during these days.
Now to my most important reason for posting. This week I will be starting my injections again and I really need to feel that its going to be ok no matter what.
Sorry I sound so bitter and sad. Thank you for listening

 

[Regalpeas]

Welcome Minnie! Just want to say you do not sound bitter. All of us LTTC ones have felt this way at least once. Infertility is a painful void especially if there are not available answer to why you are not conceiving. Wish you the best! Hoping your journey is near end bc you are close to being a mother!