Hi, new preemie mum :wave:

[gilz82]

Hi girls :wave:

My little man Noah was born last thursday after emergency section at 33w+4

He was born due to me developing pre-eclampsia and severe HELLP syndrome.

I'm home now without him, and the baby blues have set in as to be expected. I totally anticipated the crying regardless of when Noah arrived but I've been seriously overwhelmed by how guilty I feel.

I feel so guilty that my body failed him and led to him being born early and guilty that my OH missed the birth of his son due to the emergency section.

I fully anticipate that the baby blues will pass, but does the guilt ever go away?

 

[pink.crazy]

Hi!!! Congrats on your little one!! Leo was almost a Noah!! Everyone convinced me that it was too much with our surname (Storm) booooo! Lol.
My DH wasn't there for the birth either, he went home at 5pm with my other Son, I was crowning before anyone could phone him, and he arrived about half hour after he was born I felt so guilty because the nurse asked me if I wanted them to phone him before I was checked, but assuming it was another false alarm - I said no. I totally get the guilt feeling tho hun.. it has got better for me, I talked about it with him and to know how he actually felt about it made all the difference (he was just glad we were both ok, and knows there's nothing he could have done had he been there)
What did little Noah weigh?x

 

[gilz82]

He weighed 5lb 7oz at birth which is pretty chunky for 33w+4 but he's down to 4lbs 14oz today at 34w+1. They are slightly concerned he's lost as much but are hoping it will correct itself after a few more days worth of feeding.

I hope Leo is doing well

I'm glad it's not just me that felt this way. I did speak to my OH and he reassured me it wasn't my fault and how could he be angry when I'm ok and he has a beautiful son, but you know that way you just can't shake the fact you think it's your fault.

 

[ermm23a]

Hi girls :wave:

My little man Noah was born last thursday after emergency section at 33w+4

He was born due to me developing pre-eclampsia and severe HELLP syndrome.

I'm home now without him, and the baby blues have set in as to be expected. I totally anticipated the crying regardless of when Noah arrived but I've been seriously overwhelmed by how guilty I feel.

I feel so guilty that my body failed him and led to him being born early and guilty that my OH missed the birth of his son due to the emergency section.

I fully anticipate that the baby blues will pass, but does the guilt ever go away?

You sound just like me. My little man was born at 33 +5 due to HELLP/placental problems.

I, too, feel super guilty. I went for my 2 week check up with my doc and asked if there was anything I could have done differently, and she said absolutely not, that it was nothing I did, etc. And I know that, but it still makes me feel bad that I wasn't able to carry him to term.

Your little guy sounds like he is doing great though! Mine had quit growing at 30 weeks so he only weighed 3 lbs 10 oz at birth, but he is at 4.5 now, and will be coming home this week.

Try not to focus on what went wrong, but look foward to being the best mom you can be now to your little guy.

 

[gilz82]

Congratulations ermm23a on your little man, hope he continues to do well when you bring him home.

I'm trying to switch my focus onto just being about Noah and our little family and it is working but then another wave of guilt appears and I'm crying again. It's so silly

 

[ermm23a]

It's not silly. We went through a very scary ordeal. No one expects her pregnancy to end like ours. It's a shock, and it's a lot to take in, and it all happens so fast. I know I went to doc for my normal check up and I was sent to hospital and had my baby less than 24 hours later.

So, basically your whole life changed, in an instant, and you had NO time to prepare for it, like women who have "normal" pregnancies do. It's a very traumatic thing to go through, especially if you had the emergency C by yourself. Luckily DH was with me when they had to do mine, so I wasn't alone, but I still cry when I think about all that happened, and all that could have happened....

I am thankful that both of us are fine, and that both our babies are happy and healthy. The wave of emotions we are experiencing have to be more intense than women who have routine deliveries. Don't beat yourself up about a little cry every now and then.

 

[jmiller]

I too had my daughter 2 weeks ago due to severe HELLP syndrome. I felt guilty thinking it was something I did or the fact that im overweight but the doctors have told me there is nothing that I could have done differently. My DD was born at 31 weeks 4 days and weighed 3.5lbs she is still in the NICU but doing great. We are expecting her home around the beginning of May. It's nice to find other people that had the same syndrome. It's a scary thing to go through. I spent 10 days in the hospital trying to get all of my levels back right.

How are you guys feeling now that your home?

 

[ermm23a]

I am feeling so much better now. I guess I didn't realize how bad I had been feeling before. I thought it was just a normal part of the end of pregnancy. But I lost around 25 lbs just in fluids less than a week after having my baby. I was that swollen.

 

[gilz82]

I'm feeling a lot better too thankfully. I had been in hospital for 8 days before the section.

I was initially taken in as they thought I was going into preterm labour. Things settled but I only have one kidney which doesn't work properly and they thought that it was probably deteriorating further. Then they saw my blood results and noticed my liver function was going crazy. By the time thursday came I was a randomly twitching mess and they took one look at me at rounds and said emergency section.

I'm now 5 days post op and everything seems to be settling down again thankfully. I've lost loads of fluid as well and it's quite bizarre as the only place I'd really noticed swelling was my hands and feet but hadn't realised it was that bad.

Congratulations on Kaylee's arrival and I hope her stay in NICU is as short as possible

 

[EmSmith1980]

Hi, and welcome.

Congratulations on your beautiful boy.

It's hard being home without them. I had Anya at 23+6 and cried my eyes out every day till she came home 19.5 weeks later. It's normal though. Your body expects you to have your baby with you. It's a rollercoaster of emotions that a lot of people don't understand (this place this great to vent cos we've all been through it). I still have the guilt feeling and Anya will be 6 months this month. I don't know if that will ever pass. Despite everyone telling me there was nothing I could have done to keep her in longer, that nagging feeling is still there.

Look forward to hearing Noah's progress. xxxxx

 

[jmiller]

I am feeling so much better now. I guess I didn't realize how bad I had been feeling before. I thought it was just a normal part of the end of pregnancy. But I lost around 25 lbs just in fluids less than a week after having my baby. I was that swollen.

same here as far as water retention. I went for my 2 week check up and have lost 60lbs in 2 weeks. I had lost weight throughout my pregnancy up until the last 3 weeks. I put 35lbs on in the last week alone.

 

[katy1310]

Hi girls :wave:

My little man Noah was born last thursday after emergency section at 33w+4

He was born due to me developing pre-eclampsia and severe HELLP syndrome.

I'm home now without him, and the baby blues have set in as to be expected. I totally anticipated the crying regardless of when Noah arrived but I've been seriously overwhelmed by how guilty I feel.

I feel so guilty that my body failed him and led to him being born early and guilty that my OH missed the birth of his son due to the emergency section.

I fully anticipate that the baby blues will pass, but does the guilt ever go away?

Hi again

I replied in one of your threads last night - glad you have found the preemie section I felt and still feel those feelings of guilt. Sophie just turned one in March. I really beat myself up about it for a long long time and I'm actually getting counselling just now. I had pre eclampsia as well, and totally blamed myself for not being able to keep Sophie safe inside for longer. I talked all this through with my counsellor and he has been encouraging me to focus on what I DID do, ie kept her safe for 27 weeks, nourished her, did everything I possibly could to have a healthy pregnancy and didn't do anything I should do....and he keeps reminding me that I now have a really healthy, happy little baby when it could quite easily have been a different story. It's taken me a long time but I'm beginning to feel better when I look at it that way. I had a hard time around her first birthday, but he said just think what anniversary we could have been having to get through, and when you look at it like that, it puts everything into perspective.

I also spent a long time worrying in case Sophie didn't know I was her mummy, and about how she would feel about me not being with her 24/7. It felt so wrong coming home without her. My counsellor said that I was the one constant thing in her life even through neonatal - the nurses changed every day but I was going there and sitting with her and talking to her and stroking her every day. The nurses were doing all the medical things for her but I was doing things that she needed too, like changing her nappy, feeding her etc.

Since she's been home I've gradually started to feel better and to feel the bond that I was scared was missing at the start. She had to spend 12 weeks in neonatal, and to be honest, I was terrified in case it would feel like we were bringing home an adopted baby when she came home - after all, it was such a long time between me being pregnant and us bringing the baby home but we quickly started to bond and she really does know I'm her mummy now, and finally has started to just want me when she's upset etc. It's such a lovely feeling when only mummy cuddles will do!

I hope this helps a bit - feel free to pm me if you need a chat

 

[gilz82]

Thanks so much Katy1310

You just described everything I feel right now, it's fantastic to know that although you and Sophie had a difficult start things are ok now.

I can't wait until Noah is big enough to want proper mummy cuddles, that will be utterly fantastic