High needs baby please help me

[L999]

Since poppy was born she was demanding - I have prayed every day since she was 4 weeks old that she would become more placid. Poppy is now 13 months and has reached her peak of fussiness - I am at my wits end and spend most days with her in tears. I can not stand up with out her crying - at times even when I am sat on the floor with her she cries and puts her arms up to be lifted. I can not cope with this any longer. I love her to bits but every day is full of crying and tantrums. My health visitor advised I dont pick her up and walk away and do what i need to do - she immediately notes me stand and screams folllowing me around - if I get down to her level she still cries until picked up.

Please please help I love my daughter but I can with a heavy heart say I have not relished motherhood as I expected. Will this ever pass????????

 

[Mummy to be x]

Since poppy was born she was demanding - I have prayed every day since she was 4 weeks old that she would become more placid. Poppy is now 13 months and has reached her peak of fussiness - I am at my wits end and spend most days with her in tears. I can not stand up with out her crying - at times even when I am sat on the floor with her she cries and puts her arms up to be lifted. I can not cope with this any longer. I love her to bits but every day is full of crying and tantrums. My health visitor advised I dont pick her up and walk away and do what i need to do - she immediately notes me stand and screams folllowing me around - if I get down to her level she still cries until picked up.

Please please help I love my daughter but I can with a heavy heart say I have not relished motherhood as I expected. Will this ever pass????????

I have days like this also hun, But when things need to be done they have to be done, I no it sounds awful and you feel awful leaving her to cry but sometimes that is the only way she will learn that 'mummy has her own things to do' Madeleine still to this day screams when im doing the washing up or dusting etc, or even when i pop to the loo she cries, I ignore her. Sounds so harsh but its a way of learning for them i guess x hope this helps x

 

[ClaireLouise]

Oh sweetheart I'm sorry motherhood is being so hard on you. But I really do think its as simple as getting on with what needs doing. Leave her to cry when you have to do something, tell her calmly what you're doing and she doesn't need to cry.

It shouldn't take her long to notice the pattern, mummy does come back and nothing bad will happen. It's just the time from now until she realises that, that will take patience.

You're not alone hun, sounds likes you also need a break for some well earned "me time" too xxx

 

[Sarah lo]

My LO has been hard work since day one too. She's also 13 months. She does tend to act like this too although its not every day anymore thankfully. I don't know about you but I find she tends to only be like that with me. If she's at nursery, with DH or MIL she's really chilled out but if I'm there she gets like how you described!

I've found that if I get down on the floor with her and play with her, if I can get her interested in her shape sorter or similar toy once the toy has all her attention I can slowly retreat and she won't notice I'm gone!

If she's really bad I take her out somewhere- I've come to the conclusion that a lot of her grumpiness is down to boredom so sometimes just a half hour walk to the park to play on the swings really helps.

Food also helps with my LO. She loves her food and she's NEVER grumpy while she's eating! In fact I get most of my housework done while she's eating her lunch!

 

[kitabird]

My LO was exactly the same. Once he was walking well he could at least follow me around instead of being carried, but he would literally cling onto my leg whatever I was doing which meant I got nothing done. Even going to the kitchen to get a drink was a major task! When I went to the toilet he had to sit on my knee Eventually he got over it, and while he is still clingy he will let me disappear for two minutes if I tell him where I'm going and that I'll be back in a minute. Usually this only works if he's watching tv though If he's playing with toys he will want to come with me and bring them along.
I think a big part of it is learning to switch off and not let the crying/screaming get to you. You know that you are giving her lots of attention and that it does her no harm to be left on the floor, so if you have to do something then letting her cry sometimes is ok.

 

[L999]

Thank you all so much for your replies - it makes me feel less alone! - Yes Sarah I have noticed she is worse with me than anyone else and is usually fine at nursery. I took her to a soft play centre today with a friend it took 25 mins before she would let me put her down and she was really shy with my friend - she never used to be like this and up til a month ago would go to anyone - is this normal behaviour and a phase that will pass???
I am going to be strong now and just leave her to scream as I dont get dressed until after 9am as she wont let me leave- even then I get dressed in stages!
Thanks again xxxx

 

[beatnick]

zakk was EXACTLY the same. i thought i might die of frustration.

as a baby he wanted to be perminantly attached to me.

things changed greatly when i got pregnant with iris. i just couldnt pick him up all the time. he moaned and whined but eventually got the message. he couldnt be held all the time and that was that.

once he got used to that he would (finally) go in a pushchair, outgrew his sling and started to be happy to sit near me in the kitchen (usually on the side) rather than being at my hip.

its doesnt take long to change their attitude to things like attention and being carried.

zakk still doesnt play much on his ownat home but these days LOVES playing with others. its sort of transferred his attention to others from me. Im looking forward to iris being a bit older so he can play with her.

the thing is... zakk was extreme.. but he did change. and like everything with kids... eventually they stop doing things like this and suddenly you look round and they are happily playing and dont need your attention at all!

you are at the transitional point and you might need to do some tough love for a bit but i promise it wont take long to make some changes and encourage some independence.

zakk likes to help me do things which detracts him from complaining that im not paying him attention. he polishes...wipes... tidies.

and these days.. he sometimes watches cbeebies. which is just so nice. even if it is only for 10 minutes!

 

[AlwaysPraying]

If you think about it, she's manipulating and controlling the situation. For me, understanding that was an eye opener. It's not that she "needs" you per say, but that she's demanding you and instructing you when you must interact with her. Changing your mindset could help to change the whole situation. When you said it took her 25 mins to let her down, that's not really true. It took you 25 mins to feel comfortable enough to let her be put down. Yes, the cost of doing that is screaming, heartache, and pain for you both, I totally get that (and I am not down playing how horrible it is to hear them so upset), but the quicker you do it, the quicker she figures out she will be ok. Secondly, she has to learn that you can be trusted to come and go, that she needs to understand that she is safe with herself and that you will come back. Enabling her to be dependent on you won't help in the long run.

I don't mean to sound cold or cruel, but honestly, this change of mind set really helped for me. They are so quick to cry, laugh, play, etc, that they recover SO fast when things change. But, of course if they know you will eventually give in, then they will always continue being persistent.

For me, if I had to leave the room and he was upset at that I'd say, "mommy will be right back, I love you", and I'd go. He'd cry and I'd pop my head back in and say, "it's ok dear, I'll be one minute", and go do what I had to (laundry, pee, whatever) and when I came back, I'd go to him and say, "see, I'm back, yay!". And quickly pick up some toys and play with him. I wouldn't cuddle him though, I didn't want him to think that I felt bad for leaving and that somehow I was appologising for the situation. Do you know what I mean? It was more matter of fact, I had to go, I'll be right back, see I'm back, kind of thing. He would cry, get mad, get over it, and start playing. Very soon he wouldn't even bat an eye when I left because I told him I was going and that I'd be back.

That all worked for me, and figured it wouldn't hurt to pass it along, take what you want, if anything, from it.

 

[fluffpuffin]

Separation anxiety at this age is really common. You can try and teach her to feel secure without you in the room. Try and do this playfully by playing games of peekaboo where you leave the room and then sneak in peeking at her or hiding under a blanket and peeking out from underneath. Isla loved those games and it taught her that mummy comes back when she leaves the room. Also slowly increasing the amount of time you leave her playing by herself, giving her verbal reassurance from where you are that you are coming back. I find it helps telling her what I'm up to at the time and counting down to when I'm coming back. For those super clingy times I had a sling so I could carry her on my back (ergo or similar) and get on with cooking / housework. I still sometimes use it when Isla is clingy now.

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

Why can't she come with you everywhere? Honestly ruby would always be next to me wherever I was at that age unless sleeping. The things I couldn't do with her, I did when she was asleep. She sat in her highchair in the kitchen with toys while I got meals ready etc, she did sometimes cry but she was with me not left alone, much different. Now she plays in the living room or brings toys through to the kitchen table if she would like to be with me.

This is a difficult age on top of what your lo's personality already is. It is very tough.

Sorry, I have to disagree with other posters about manipulation etc. I could never leave ruby in another room at that age. Normal, I think try and find ways your lo can safely be with you while you clean, dress etc.

 

[kitabird]

Why can't she come with you everywhere? Honestly ruby would always be next to me wherever I was at that age unless sleeping. The things I couldn't do with her, I did when she was asleep. She sat in her highchair in the kitchen with toys while I got meals ready etc, she did sometimes cry but she was with me not left alone, much different. Now she plays in the living room or brings toys through to the kitchen table if she would like to be with me.

This is a difficult age on top of what your lo's personality already is. It is very tough.

Sorry, I have to disagree with other posters about manipulation etc. I could never leave ruby in another room at that age. Normal, I think try and find ways your lo can safely be with you while you clean, dress etc.

I know what you mean, but it sounds like OPs LO is the same as mine in that being in the same room isn't enough for them, they want to be physically attached to you and getting all of your attention. Xander would never sit in his highchair while I did things, he would just scream until I got him out and carried him. Plus he only napped if being pushed in the pushchair, so doing things while he was asleep wasn't an option either. Manipulation might not be quite the right word for it, but they are trying to get exactly what they want, and with a LO like that you do have to draw the line somewhere!

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

Oh I do understand. Ruby would cry in her high chair also but at least I was there with her, she could see me, she was cross but not alone.
My youngest is high needs so I totally get it, a sling is also a lifesaver!

 

[Dragonfly]

I dont have time to read all thread.

However if you dont pick her up and walk away when she is tantruming who will she rely on to ever help her? she will keep it in her frustration and anger which is the desired result of ignoring a child's tantrum, the only thing is that anger has to come out somewhere. And your child needs to be able to talk to you in future. Shes in need, even if you cant do a thing for her but be there thats all you have to do. I assume nothing medical is wrong only that she needs someone. Tantrum render a child feeling helpless, dont add abandoned on top of that.

Alex was more clingy than William, stuck to me like glue. But thats just how he is he needed more time. More of me. Now he isnt like that and built up confidence. I went with it. Others I think I skim read mentioned slings . Holding her and being there for her will build up this trust to, its something that wont be broken down that trust to, the one you form with them as babies. Theres no manipulation here, just a toddler in need.

 

[beatnick]

just in response to other posts.. i think there is lots of room for debate here.

to OP.. sounds like you were in a crisis moment and frustrated to tears. Zakk is still a needy boy. my second baby iris is completely different. she is happy to go in her cot and pushchair and sits happily in a bouncy chair watching the world go by.

i think thats a bit of a personality thing myself.

find a way of making things a bit easier for you in a way you feel happy. Im a bit inbetween the opinions here and take bits from either end of the spectrum. They arent "manipulative" but they are learning what is normal.

If your child cries and you jump[ to attention then they learn that crying is how they get things. if they know a tantrum makes you fold they will do it as a means to an end.

i have often had to kneel down to zakk and say I cant pick him up at the moment and he would shout and moan ... but within a few minutes he was distracted by something else.

they are a blank canvas... you just need to do a bit of re organising what your child thinks is normal. it doesnt take long and it doesnt have to involve hysteria.

 

[AlwaysPraying]

Sorry I never meant to say "manipulative" as a negative. I meant that they are trying to get what they want by any means possible. I also respect the other opinions on the subject too. I think it comes down to what mom and baby want to have with each other. I know I wasn't a good mom when baby was like that and would lash out. Letting him be on me physically at all hours exhausted me. Maybe this is selfish of me but that's me. My son is now 2 and a wonderfully well adjusted independent little soul. I don't believe I did harm by helping him learn to be at my feet rather than in my arms. In fact I was a very insecure and frightened child myself and I remember vividly my mother would only encourage my shyness by always holding me and never encouraging independence. It took me more of my lifetime to get confident and self esteem to know I was ok on my own and that I didn't need my mom to tell me it was ok, that I had to tell myself it was ok. Honestly it's that deep for me. My shyness debilitated me and my family only enabled it and I don't want that for my son. I need him to know how fiercely I love him, support him and am there for him but at the same time it's my job to raise a little person independent of me. Someone who can depend on themselves and their own esteem and confidence as well as moms love.

 

[aliss]

I remember this stage.

I used a mix of the back carry (for when I was doing things like cooking and I didn't want him near my feet for safety), and letting him sit by my feet but giving him spoons/bowls to play with. A "safe" cupboard in the kitchen often helped.

 

[eddjanuary10]

Ihsan was the very same at the age of your lo. If he wasn't following me around all the time he just wanted to bf, I couldn't go to the toilet on my own. It was always easier for us to be out, so we went out as much as we could but house work was mostly done during Ihsan's naps which was also difficult because he would only nap in his push chair so I'd have to drive around until he fell asleep, put him in his push chair then back into the house! He just changed himself around 16/17months, I didn't do anything except continue to let him follow me & let him be close to me because that's all he wanted. One day he probably just thought, 'well if Mummy's going to do the usual boring stuff I'll just play' lol! I still had to set things up for him to play with next to me or where he could see me, but he stopped wanting up all the time & wouldn't notice if I left the room for a minute or 2. He started napping better after around 1.5years, I'm convinced he used to wake up more frequently before then to check where I was! Until 2 years old, he still wouldn't play on his own for more than 10minutes so I do understand how you feel. Ihsan has been much more relaxed this year, confident & enjoys playing on his own now/with other children & family members. Things will get easier but I know it's hard to deal with sometimes. Once your child starts understanding more, you may find things get a lot easier as you will be able to explain things to them and reason with them. hugs xx

 

[L999]

Thanks for all your replies - Kitabird Poppy is as you described your son - she is not happy even sitting in high chair watching me in the kitchen (I soooooo wish she would and would sit and watch me). She is so demanding that she does want me to cart her around. I would love to bring her with me and get her involved but no that is not enough! I appreciate all comments and dont want her to be shy as i was I want her to explore and become more independent as i wish I was as a child.

I understand everyones child is so very different what is right for 1 is very wrong for another. I take advice from you all and appreciate your words of wisdom - thank you.

x

 

[JASMAK]

My kids were all like this at the 1 year mark...K is still very clingy at 2. Honestly, the more you ignore, the worse it gets. Try to get things done when your child is busy, happy, or sleeping. For her fussiest times, try to give what she needs...attention. Cuddles, tickles, laughs. K is usually most needy when I am busy...cooking, homework time, etc. i try to get her involved as distraction. A couple of my pots, wooden spoons. Homework time, she get washable felts and pages to colour. If she throws tempers, try to tell her what she is feeling to encourage her to express herself as she gets older. Believe it or not, these are GREAT teaching opportunities for expression and self-control (watching and learning from YOU). Distraction works REALLY great at this age too. It is a phase though....so remember that too! This too shall pass!

 

[NoodleSnack]

Sorry I never meant to say "manipulative" as a negative. I meant that they are trying to get what they want by any means possible. I also respect the other opinions on the subject too. I think it comes down to what mom and baby want to have with each other. I know I wasn't a good mom when baby was like that and would lash out. Letting him be on me physically at all hours exhausted me. Maybe this is selfish of me but that's me. My son is now 2 and a wonderfully well adjusted independent little soul. I don't believe I did harm by helping him learn to be at my feet rather than in my arms. In fact I was a very insecure and frightened child myself and I remember vividly my mother would only encourage my shyness by always holding me and never encouraging independence. It took me more of my lifetime to get confident and self esteem to know I was ok on my own and that I didn't need my mom to tell me it was ok, that I had to tell myself it was ok. Honestly it's that deep for me. My shyness debilitated me and my family only enabled it and I don't want that for my son. I need him to know how fiercely I love him, support him and am there for him but at the same time it's my job to raise a little person independent of me. Someone who can depend on themselves and their own esteem and confidence as well as moms love.

I agree with what you said, I see nothing wrong with using the word "manipulation", that's what it is, children do know how to sense our emotion, and they are capable of linking one action to another - crying get mummy to pick me up, if I want mummy to pick me up, I cry. This is manipulation, and there's nothing wrong or unnatural about it and they are quite capable of doing it. I see my cousins and niece do it all the time. My niece would not do this to my hubby or her father, because she would not get away with it, but when it comes to her mum and grandmother, she will throw a tantrum if she doesn't get her way because she knows it works with them. That's why a few posters have said that their children act differently in other settings. They do know how to adapt.

It's not a just a phase either, if they learn from a young age that you will give in if they make it difficult enough, that's what they will continue to do. My mum was all about tough love, but my Dad was a softie with us, guess who we pulled the long sad face at when we wanted something as children? We may change the ways we manipulate our parents as we grow older, but manipulate them we continue to do to get what we want. BTW, I fully appreciate my Mum's tough love as an adult, it takes a lot more courage to be the "mean" parent for your children's good, it's much easier to just give them whatever they want.