High needs baby please help me

[Mum2b_Claire]

People, have you looked into attachment theory? Basically, holding/responding to a child is setting them up to be LESS clingy and MORE independent. You won't help things by forcing independence before they're ready.

 

[OmarsMum]

Omar was laid back at this age, he started to cling to me around 2 years. He comes with me to the toilet, we co-sleep & I settle him to sleep. When he throws a tantrum & he asks me to hold him or cuddle him, i do what he wants while trying to comfort him.

He's almost 3 yrs, but I still believe when he throws a tantrum he's either tired, over stimulated or hungry. Now he's older we talk about his feelings & emotions, he cries much less those days, but I know he has sleeping issues, this is why he can't control his emotions when he's overtired.

When he was your LOs age, he was cheerful but he was teething non stop, he was off food because of ongoing teething, so it affected his behaviour & mood.

I still don't leave him to cry, we never used timeouts/ naughty corner, or locked him in a room to calm down.

I don't consider myself as an AP, I don't label my parenting style, I just follow My instincts & his lead xx

 

[Dragonfly]

I still don't leave him to cry, we never used timeouts/ naughty corner, or locked him in a room to calm down.

I don't consider myself as an AP, I don't label my parenting style, I just follow My instincts & his lead xx

I like that, more people need to do that.

 

[NoodleSnack]

People, have you looked into attachment theory? Basically, holding/responding to a child is setting them up to be LESS clingy and MORE independent. You won't help things by forcing independence before they're ready.

She's responding to him, by telling him it's okay for mummy to be away and mummy will be back. Not the response he's always used to, so he learns a new pattern, that mummy still go when I cry but she will be back, and it's fine when she was away, I could play by myself. It seems to me a lot parents who respond to kids by giving them whatever they want also tend to think their children aren't ready or too young for much longer, so what's the objective measures for when a child is ready to accept that their parents will not give them what they want at the moment even if they cry?

 

[Jodie.82]

I think there is a difference in always giving an older child what they want, i.e. a new toy to giving a baby or young toddler what they need. want and need are two different things and this is such a tender age with seperation anxiety and learning about indepedence and so on.
my LO is a high needs baby and always had been and I just do what feels right, and leaving her in a room if she is desperately clambering to get after me and putting her hands up to be picked up and looking scared just doesnt feel right so I dont do it.

 

[AlwaysPraying]

I guess it's all up to each family how they want to work it. I stand by my parenting and consider myself a dedicated, loving, passionately intensive parent who is determined to raise a happy, good natured, self fulfilled person. I'm pretty sure most all parents say that's how they feel and that's what they want too, it's all in how we choose to get there.

I certainly dont force independence. I guide and choose my positions with my son sometimes I indulge sometimes I persist, it all depends on the situation. For me attachment parenting doesn't click and I think that's ok.

 

[NoodleSnack]

I think there is a difference in always giving an older child what they want, i.e. a new toy to giving a baby or young toddler what they need. want and need are two different things and this is such a tender age with seperation anxiety and learning about indepedence and so on.
my LO is a high needs baby and always had been and I just do what feels right, and leaving her in a room if she is desperately clambering to get after me and putting her hands up to be picked up and looking scared just doesnt feel right so I dont do it.

So the question is do they want or do they need to be carried all the time? Why is it okay for them to not be carried when mummy is not around? Why do some children throw tantrum with one parent but not another if the tantrum is a result of physical or emotional needs instead a response to the cues given by their parents - i.e. if I act a certain way, I get a certain reaction from this person?

Biologically, crying is a baby's way to get us to do what it wants or needs, it's natural that it makes a parent feels guilty to ignore it. Most women has to juggle different guilts, if she doesn't look after herself or the house, she feels guilty, if she leaves her baby to cry, she feels guilty. But something has to give. At some point, all parents has to say no to their children, but it's up to each parent to decide when as their patience and time/financial ability allows. I don't think leaving them to do chores at one year will harm them nor do I think indulging them until they are 6-7 will hurt them for life. Children are very adaptable, they learn and change very quickly.

 

[JASMAK]

People, have you looked into attachment theory? Basically, holding/responding to a child is setting them up to be LESS clingy and MORE independent. You won't help things by forcing independence before they're ready.

She's responding to him, by telling him it's okay for mummy to be away and mummy will be back. Not the response he's always used to, so he learns a new pattern, that mummy still go when I cry but she will be back, and it's fine when she was away, I could play by myself. It seems to me a lot parents who respond to kids by giving them whatever they want also tend to think their children aren't ready or too young for much longer, so what's the objective measures for when a child is ready to accept that their parents will not give them what they want at the moment even if they cry?

Responding to your childs needs is not 'giving them everything they want'. I dont leave my kids to cry; they still hear the word no everyday. I respond to them being upset to a no too, but my hugs for that upset doesnt change my no to a yes, it simply helps them accept the no. Teaching to accept life changes doesnt have to be military....it can be loving and positive.

 

[JASMAK]

I think there is a difference in always giving an older child what they want, i.e. a new toy to giving a baby or young toddler what they need. want and need are two different things and this is such a tender age with seperation anxiety and learning about indepedence and so on.
my LO is a high needs baby and always had been and I just do what feels right, and leaving her in a room if she is desperately clambering to get after me and putting her hands up to be picked up and looking scared just doesnt feel right so I dont do it.

So the question is do they want or do they need to be carried all the time? Why is it okay for them to not be carried when mummy is not around? Why do some children throw tantrum with one parent but not another if the tantrum is a result of physical or emotional needs instead a response to the cues given by their parents - i.e. if I act a certain way, I get a certain reaction from this person?

Biologically, crying is a baby's way to get us to do what it wants or needs, it's natural that it makes a parent feels guilty to ignore it. Most women has to juggle different guilts, if she doesn't look after herself or the house, she feels guilty, if she leaves her baby to cry, she feels guilty. But something has to give. At some point, all parents has to say no to their children, but it's up to each parent to decide when as their patience and time/financial ability allows. I don't think leaving them to do chores at one year will harm them nor do I think indulging them until they are 6-7 will hurt them for life. Children are very adaptable, they learn and change very quickly.

Its not guilt that drives me to respond to my childrens cries. Its me deciding that I am going to parent to teach, not just 'tough love' or 'do as your told' way. Chores at one years old? Do you have a child? LOL? My baby didn't even walk yet! Not ALL children are adaptable or learn quickly. I have on ewith a severe developmental delay. It would be cruel for me to leave her, when she has no understanding of her world. She doesn't adapt well, and no, she doesnt learn quickly, and 1 of every 88 children have ASD, and more have some dissability, so this is pretty normal for kids to not be so adaptable...and note, at that age, no way to know if your child doesnt understand. My daughter was considered a 'high needs' baby before she was diagnosed with a dissability. Just saying.

 

[Dragonfly]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fbStON3ItQ&feature=relmfu

wants and primal needs are not the same.

 

[angiepie]

People, have you looked into attachment theory? Basically, holding/responding to a child is setting them up to be LESS clingy and MORE independent. You won't help things by forcing independence before they're ready.

This. Can you try carrying her around in an ergo or a wrap? Solves the issue of neediness and needing to get stuff done.

 

[aliss]

When my son was 12 months, I thought he was SO old but you know what. My SIL's daughter came over, 12 months, oh my.... just a little baby. That's all they are at that age. It's hard to see when your 1st is only 12 months.

 

[MinnieMoo12]

oh hugs hunny i know how you feel i really do! My little one was easy till about 4 months of age and then turned into a monster overnight and wouldnt ever be put down. I found a sling worked best but what i found worked completely was just accepting that he was a difficult baby! Yes i had to take him everywhere, toilet and bath included but once i just got on with it i found it alot easier

 

[NoodleSnack]

People, have you looked into attachment theory? Basically, holding/responding to a child is setting them up to be LESS clingy and MORE independent. You won't help things by forcing independence before they're ready.

She's responding to him, by telling him it's okay for mummy to be away and mummy will be back. Not the response he's always used to, so he learns a new pattern, that mummy still go when I cry but she will be back, and it's fine when she was away, I could play by myself. It seems to me a lot parents who respond to kids by giving them whatever they want also tend to think their children aren't ready or too young for much longer, so what's the objective measures for when a child is ready to accept that their parents will not give them what they want at the moment even if they cry?

Responding to your childs needs is not 'giving them everything they want'. I dont leave my kids to cry; they still hear the word no everyday. I respond to them being upset to a no too, but my hugs for that upset doesnt change my no to a yes, it simply helps them accept the no. Teaching to accept life changes doesnt have to be military....it can be loving and positive.

If all they want is for you to hold them, to say no, you have to not hold them. To hold them is to change the no to yes. That's logic, not "military". If they cry for everything they want or need, as most babies do, and you refuse to let them cry at all, then you have to give them everything they want or need.

 

[Dragonfly]

Ah well I gave mine all the wanted then and both turned out happy content children who arnt spoiled with material goods and well behaved. I get complements. I must have done something right in not letting mine cry it out. My oldest is high needs also, needed more than my youngest. I seen children whos needs where not met when they needed them, basic primal needs, I decided I didnt want one of those and did what I felt was right and never will think other wise.

 

[JASMAK]

Noodle...Well, three kids later...I think I will stiick to the parenting I have researched and practiced. Giving your child love, nurturing, and understanding benefits children...not spoils them. My children are very independent, smart, polite, well spoken, mature, fuction well in school and groups, accept responsibility, and have never been in trouble in school. Must be doing something right.

 

[aliss]

Noodleshack, are you the mother of a high needs baby? I gather from your posts that you haven't been a mom yet, let alone the mother of a high needs baby - I'm sorry, but the way you speak of a 13 month old high needs baby sounds rather detached and textbook, like you are watching in from a window but don't truly understand what's going on here. Those of us who have/had "high needs baby" (which, yes, DOES exist), cannot simply put them into a little box of behavior like many people seem to think from their observations.

When you are dealing with a particularly needy child, especially one who is at such significant milestones as separation anxiety, learning to walk, and the varied emotional/mental changes that accompany those milestones, using such blanket statements isn't necessarily the best way to go. For us moms of "high needs babies" (and even just "normal" personality ones), we may find that this "GIVING IN" during their brief moments of insecurity actually helps them far better in the long run, in terms of security.

I apologize if my post offends but I think when one has a high needs baby, they really need to listen to other mothers of high needs babies who have been long past that particular stage - because we've been there and we've tried the methods to adapt to our babies. They aren't as "adaptable" as people think from their brief observations or I-heard-this/I-saw-this blanket statements. Treating them in such a manner might actually make our OP's day a lot worse and more frustrating, especially when her child does NOT adapt as typical.

 

[aliss]

And why 12-14 months behave like this is really not rocket science. Like a 6 month old learning to crawl, it is the same thing. What happens to a 6 month old or a 12-14 month old that has no regard for it's caregiver and has no fear of wandering off with their newfound physical mobility??? Common sense - it's a danger. Nature is not stupid. Separation anxiety at this stage is nature's baby gate/drawer lock.

 

[Dragonfly]

And why 12-14 months behave like this is really not rocket science. Like a 6 month old learning to crawl, it is the same thing. What happens to a 6 month old or a 12-14 month old that has no regard for it's caregiver and has no fear of wandering off with their newfound physical mobility??? Common sense - it's a danger. Nature is not stupid. Separation anxiety at this stage is nature's baby gate/drawer lock.

Thank you Aliss. I agree with what you said. I also like the high lighted bit there, could you explain more? liking the sound of it.

 

[NoodleSnack]

I think there is a difference in always giving an older child what they want, i.e. a new toy to giving a baby or young toddler what they need. want and need are two different things and this is such a tender age with seperation anxiety and learning about indepedence and so on.
my LO is a high needs baby and always had been and I just do what feels right, and leaving her in a room if she is desperately clambering to get after me and putting her hands up to be picked up and looking scared just doesnt feel right so I dont do it.

So the question is do they want or do they need to be carried all the time? Why is it okay for them to not be carried when mummy is not around? Why do some children throw tantrum with one parent but not another if the tantrum is a result of physical or emotional needs instead a response to the cues given by their parents - i.e. if I act a certain way, I get a certain reaction from this person?

Biologically, crying is a baby's way to get us to do what it wants or needs, it's natural that it makes a parent feels guilty to ignore it. Most women has to juggle different guilts, if she doesn't look after herself or the house, she feels guilty, if she leaves her baby to cry, she feels guilty. But something has to give. At some point, all parents has to say no to their children, but it's up to each parent to decide when as their patience and time/financial ability allows. I don't think leaving them to do chores at one year will harm them nor do I think indulging them until they are 6-7 will hurt them for life. Children are very adaptable, they learn and change very quickly.

Its not guilt that drives me to respond to my childrens cries. Its me deciding that I am going to parent to teach, not just 'tough love' or 'do as your told' way. Chores at one years old? Do you have a child? LOL? My baby didn't even walk yet! Not ALL children are adaptable or learn quickly. I have on ewith a severe developmental delay. It would be cruel for me to leave her, when she has no understanding of her world. She doesn't adapt well, and no, she doesnt learn quickly, and 1 of every 88 children have ASD, and more have some dissability, so this is pretty normal for kids to not be so adaptable...and note, at that age, no way to know if your child doesnt understand. My daughter was considered a 'high needs' baby before she was diagnosed with a dissability. Just saying.

I'm sorry your baby has developmental problems, but most children don't, and they are adaptable and learn and change quickly. I don't see how using your situation applies to the OP if her child is developmentally fine. And if you read the thread carefully, we are talking about the mother needing to look after herself and doing chores, not the child. I never claimed that anyone respond out of guilt, I said that "it's natural that it makes a parent feels guilty to ignore it".

If you don't believe in "tough love", that's up to you, but I don't see a problem with teaching children that they can't have everything they ask for. Most parents have to teach their children that at some point in time.

But that's not what's at issue here, what's at issue is that a lady is asking for help because her child is needing her attention all the time that she feels like she can't enjoy motherhood. When that happens, something should change so she feels better about her situation. I don't think it would hurt the child for her to have some time to look after herself and do chores. I don't believe it would hurt a child's emotional development if parents don't pick them up every time they cry for it. It would be worse for their relationship if the mother becomes too stressed out by the whole situation.