High needs baby please help me

[aliss]

Of course I do!

 

[NoodleSnack]

Out of curiousity.....do you have children, Noodle? What has your experience been with them?

I'm expecting my first, but I have looked after small children and taught one graders before. My experience with them is that they respond to the adult's cue, and that letting them cry sometimes will not hurt them emotionally for life.

 

[Ozzieshunni]

Out of curiousity.....do you have children, Noodle? What has your experience been with them?

I'm expecting my first, but I have looked after small children and taught one graders before. My experience with them is that they respond to the adult's cue, and that letting them cry sometimes will not hurt them emotionally for life.

No offense meant at all, but from a fellow teacher, having your own children is NOTHING compared to teaching. I use some of my skills from teaching which do include responding to a child's needs and emotions, whether I might think they are unimportant or not. I have never let my son CIO or not respond when he's crying, much as I wouldn't do that to a child in my care.

 

[aliss]

But that's not the point of this.

The point is that OP's baby is going through the classic separation anxiety around mobility age and she just needs practical solutions to cope with it. Leaving a baby on the floor and just letting them whine isn't going to make her feel better (I *personally* don't think it is "damaging" either) but tbh when you're dealing with a high needs baby, it isn't going to fix it either. This is a natural milestone that ALL babies go through (and when it's your own kid and you're dealing with it 14 hours a day, it's just exhausting to cope with), so she needs more realistic practical solutions to cope with it.

13 months is not 6 months and it's not 30 months either, they are totally different stages in life and there are different ways to deal with it/cope with it.

 

[NoodleSnack]

Noodleshack, are you the mother of a high needs baby? I gather from your posts that you haven't been a mom yet, let alone the mother of a high needs baby - I'm sorry, but the way you speak of a 13 month old high needs baby sounds rather detached and textbook, like you are watching in from a window but don't truly understand what's going on here. Those of us who have/had "high needs baby" (which, yes, DOES exist), cannot simply put them into a little box of behavior like many people seem to think from their observations.

When you are dealing with a particularly needy child, especially one who is at such significant milestones as separation anxiety, learning to walk, and the varied emotional/mental changes that accompany those milestones, using such blanket statements isn't necessarily the best way to go. For us moms of "high needs babies" (and even just "normal" personality ones), we may find that this "GIVING IN" during their brief moments of insecurity actually helps them far better in the long run, in terms of security.

I apologize if my post offends but I think when one has a high needs baby, they really need to listen to other mothers of high needs babies who have been long past that particular stage - because we've been there and we've tried the methods to adapt to our babies. They aren't as "adaptable" as people think from their brief observations or I-heard-this/I-saw-this blanket statements. Treating them in such a manner might actually make our OP's day a lot worse and more frustrating, especially when her child does NOT adapt as typical.

I find nothing offensive with your post, but there are ladies with babies like OP's (who BTW she said is difficult from birth, not just starting a new phase) who relate their experience in leaving their child. I wrote my post in support of AlwaysPraying because I don't see why she needs to kind of apologise for using the term "manipulation", because I've seen children that age manipulate their parents with tantrums and then turn around and be completely fine with other adults.

As for attachment parenting, my MIL believes that you shouldn't pick up babies too much otherwise they become too attached. She raised 3 perfectly fine healthy adults. She dotes on them and loves them despite her beliefs regarding picking up babies, so anyone that believe that it must be one way or another, or that if parents let their babies cry during bed time, or when they have to do chores, aren't loving parents seems to me quite narrow minded.

 

[Ozzieshunni]

That is good for your MIL, Noodle, but will it work for your baby?

 

[aliss]

Noodleshack, are you the mother of a high needs baby? I gather from your posts that you haven't been a mom yet, let alone the mother of a high needs baby - I'm sorry, but the way you speak of a 13 month old high needs baby sounds rather detached and textbook, like you are watching in from a window but don't truly understand what's going on here. Those of us who have/had "high needs baby" (which, yes, DOES exist), cannot simply put them into a little box of behavior like many people seem to think from their observations.

When you are dealing with a particularly needy child, especially one who is at such significant milestones as separation anxiety, learning to walk, and the varied emotional/mental changes that accompany those milestones, using such blanket statements isn't necessarily the best way to go. For us moms of "high needs babies" (and even just "normal" personality ones), we may find that this "GIVING IN" during their brief moments of insecurity actually helps them far better in the long run, in terms of security.

I apologize if my post offends but I think when one has a high needs baby, they really need to listen to other mothers of high needs babies who have been long past that particular stage - because we've been there and we've tried the methods to adapt to our babies. They aren't as "adaptable" as people think from their brief observations or I-heard-this/I-saw-this blanket statements. Treating them in such a manner might actually make our OP's day a lot worse and more frustrating, especially when her child does NOT adapt as typical.

I find nothing offensive with your post, but there are ladies with babies like OP's (who BTW she said is difficult from birth, not just starting a new phase) who relate their experience in leaving their child. I wrote my post in support of AlwaysPraying because I don't see why she needs to kind of apologise for using the term "manipulation", because I've seen children that age manipulate their parents with tantrums and then turn around and be completely fine with other adults.
.

Yes I understand the baby has been difficult from birth, hence a "high needs baby", but when high needs babies go through these same stages that others do, it can be even more exhausting and amplified. Hence, why I say that just leaving the baby and letting the baby "learn no" or whatever is not necessarily the best solution - as the mother of a high needs baby myself - I know exactly what path that is going to go down, and it's probably not going to work and probably just going to make the OP even more stressed out. Which is why I am trying to offer her solutions that are in the gray area between putting the baby down and letting her cry/whine OR holding her 24/7.

Anyways, I've given her enough suggestions I think. But I can't keep following this debate. I'm sorry Noodleshack, but it is VERY clear that you are not a mother. And I know you don't think it matters. But it's very obvious (and I can see a remarkable contrast between your posts and AlwaysPraying - who I know to be an amazing mother who just used a different method). When you write from a very observational perspective with no actual experience yourself (I'm sorry but watching others is not the same) then you can't truly understand what the OP is going through, and I make no apologies for that. Non-parents are welcome to give their advice but there comes a point where their advice might be completely off the mark and impractical for a mother to implement.

 

[aliss]

And yes, my FIL were also very much "leave the baby to cry, put the baby down", and were good parents - and is a fantastic grandfather to my son. But my OH was a very easygoing sleepy baby. Any mother of a high needs baby who tries the same thing, will learn VERY quickly that you do not have as much power to change a personality as they think and that all the tips/tricks in the world for "a baby" does not necessarily apply to those little firecrackers from the womb. And ALL mothers of high needs babies learn this very fast. Either you learn to adapt to this type of personality, or you learn to ignore them. I for one, think option #2 is unacceptable and most mothers do to.

 

[NoodleSnack]

Out of curiousity.....do you have children, Noodle? What has your experience been with them?

I'm expecting my first, but I have looked after small children and taught one graders before. My experience with them is that they respond to the adult's cue, and that letting them cry sometimes will not hurt them emotionally for life.

No offense meant at all, but from a fellow teacher, having your own children is NOTHING compared to teaching. I use some of my skills from teaching which do include responding to a child's needs and emotions, whether I might think they are unimportant or not. I have never let my son CIO or not respond when he's crying, much as I wouldn't do that to a child in my care.

There are different ways of responding, some parents respond by reassuring them then leave anyway, others by picking them up. Both are responses. Of course as carer, we ask or look to see what's wrong, but if what's wrong is that someone took their favorite seat, I won't satisfy their need for that seat, but tell them to take a different seat because that one's been taken.

 

[Dragonfly]

Noodleshack, are you the mother of a high needs baby? I gather from your posts that you haven't been a mom yet, let alone the mother of a high needs baby - I'm sorry, but the way you speak of a 13 month old high needs baby sounds rather detached and textbook, like you are watching in from a window but don't truly understand what's going on here. Those of us who have/had "high needs baby" (which, yes, DOES exist), cannot simply put them into a little box of behavior like many people seem to think from their observations.

When you are dealing with a particularly needy child, especially one who is at such significant milestones as separation anxiety, learning to walk, and the varied emotional/mental changes that accompany those milestones, using such blanket statements isn't necessarily the best way to go. For us moms of "high needs babies" (and even just "normal" personality ones), we may find that this "GIVING IN" during their brief moments of insecurity actually helps them far better in the long run, in terms of security.

I apologize if my post offends but I think when one has a high needs baby, they really need to listen to other mothers of high needs babies who have been long past that particular stage - because we've been there and we've tried the methods to adapt to our babies. They aren't as "adaptable" as people think from their brief observations or I-heard-this/I-saw-this blanket statements. Treating them in such a manner might actually make our OP's day a lot worse and more frustrating, especially when her child does NOT adapt as typical.

I find nothing offensive with your post, but there are ladies with babies like OP's (who BTW she said is difficult from birth, not just starting a new phase) who relate their experience in leaving their child. I wrote my post in support of AlwaysPraying because I don't see why she needs to kind of apologise for using the term "manipulation", because I've seen children that age manipulate their parents with tantrums and then turn around and be completely fine with other adults.

As for attachment parenting, my MIL believes that you shouldn't pick up babies too much otherwise they become too attached. She raised 3 perfectly fine healthy adults. She dotes on them and loves them despite her beliefs regarding picking up babies, so anyone that believe that it must be one way or another, or that if parents let their babies cry during bed time, or when they have to do chores, aren't loving parents seems to me quite narrow minded.

No one has said no parent loves their child less, but you have digged at AP a few times and then retaliated with your hands in the air about your own style by calling others narrow minded. Thats strange.

 

[Dragonfly]

Oh and children who are AP dont turn out clingy messes, just so you know. It builds a more independent child.

 

[NoodleSnack]

And yes, my FIL were also very much "leave the baby to cry, put the baby down", and were good parents - and is a fantastic grandfather to my son. But my OH was a very easygoing sleepy baby. Any mother of a high needs baby who tries the same thing, will learn VERY quickly that you do not have as much power to change a personality as they think and that all the tips/tricks in the world for "a baby" does not necessarily apply to those little firecrackers from the womb. And ALL mothers of high needs babies learn this very fast. Either you learn to adapt to this type of personality, or you learn to ignore them. I for one, think option #2 is unacceptable and most mothers do to.

But aliss, other ladies have said that their children are just that way, needing to be picked up all the time, they left anyway, and the children coped. I think if you feel okay with picking them up and keeping them close all the time, and your relationship with your child is better for it, you should do it, but when the mother finds it's becoming a strain, then something needs to change.

 

[NoodleSnack]

Oh and children who are AP dont turn out clingy messes, just so you know. It builds a more independent child.

Never claimed they do. But you will have to actually produce research that it actually build a "more" independent child than other ways of parenting to convince me.

 

[moomoo]

My DS was/is very high needs (or what I consider to be) and until around the age of about 7 months I thought I was failing as a parent. My baby pretty much hated life and it was my fault. I read a book about fussy babies by Dr Sears and something finally clicked in my head! I'm NOT able to change his personality, I've got to work with it!!

We practiced a lot of AP theories before ie baby wearing, cosleeping... But we fell into this, mostly because it was the only thing that worked with him, not a lifestyle choice!

I guess what I'm saying is, please don't think it's your fault, do what works for YOU not anyone else, and go with your gut! there have been times where I've been at the absolute end of my tether and the ladies here have been fantastic!

This week I have a fiercely independent nearly 3 year old, who goes to bed (albeit with a little nudge!) and the happiest, cheekiest little monkey you will ever meet! In fact the "high needs" in him has turned into a little spark in his eye

honey, will all work out in the end x

 

[NoodleSnack]

Noodleshack, are you the mother of a high needs baby? I gather from your posts that you haven't been a mom yet, let alone the mother of a high needs baby - I'm sorry, but the way you speak of a 13 month old high needs baby sounds rather detached and textbook, like you are watching in from a window but don't truly understand what's going on here. Those of us who have/had "high needs baby" (which, yes, DOES exist), cannot simply put them into a little box of behavior like many people seem to think from their observations.

When you are dealing with a particularly needy child, especially one who is at such significant milestones as separation anxiety, learning to walk, and the varied emotional/mental changes that accompany those milestones, using such blanket statements isn't necessarily the best way to go. For us moms of "high needs babies" (and even just "normal" personality ones), we may find that this "GIVING IN" during their brief moments of insecurity actually helps them far better in the long run, in terms of security.

I apologize if my post offends but I think when one has a high needs baby, they really need to listen to other mothers of high needs babies who have been long past that particular stage - because we've been there and we've tried the methods to adapt to our babies. They aren't as "adaptable" as people think from their brief observations or I-heard-this/I-saw-this blanket statements. Treating them in such a manner might actually make our OP's day a lot worse and more frustrating, especially when her child does NOT adapt as typical.

I find nothing offensive with your post, but there are ladies with babies like OP's (who BTW she said is difficult from birth, not just starting a new phase) who relate their experience in leaving their child. I wrote my post in support of AlwaysPraying because I don't see why she needs to kind of apologise for using the term "manipulation", because I've seen children that age manipulate their parents with tantrums and then turn around and be completely fine with other adults.

As for attachment parenting, my MIL believes that you shouldn't pick up babies too much otherwise they become too attached. She raised 3 perfectly fine healthy adults. She dotes on them and loves them despite her beliefs regarding picking up babies, so anyone that believe that it must be one way or another, or that if parents let their babies cry during bed time, or when they have to do chores, aren't loving parents seems to me quite narrow minded.

No one has said no parent loves their child less, but you have digged at AP a few times and then retaliated with your hands in the air about your own style by calling others narrow minded. Thats strange.

I have offered no style. I don't believe in a "style", I believe in coping as best one can, if picking up is not working for one person, try cry it out, if cry it out is not working try something else. What have I said about attachment parenting that you found to be "digging"?

 

[moomoo]

PS I highly recommend the fussy baby book!

 

[Ozzieshunni]

Noodle, I think the point the ladies are trying to make is that you have no experience with your own children. They will not go by the book.

And, for the record, every AP parent I have ever spoken to has lovely children. Recently, there have been MANY articles about how responding to your childs emotional and physical needs leads to them being more self assured and independant. My own son is very independant when we are out. He has a molar coming through at the moment so yes, he is a bit more attached than usual.

 

[Dragonfly]

Oh and children who are AP dont turn out clingy messes, just so you know. It builds a more independent child.

Never claimed they do. But you will have to actually produce research that it actually build a "more" independent child than other ways of parenting to convince me.

I tend you look at my children for evidence thats something is working and understand them. Not throw about research, although I did do research I follow my head and heart a lot. Use my intuition. Not because someone said it was bad or good. A lot more parents need to use their heads and look at their child, not books and tv programs. I choose to parent how I parent only seems to slot in with Ap , I didnt know that till a long time in to it. I didnt read books or use methods other than basic instinct. If it feels right do it. As for AP making more independent child, not saying it as a competition you did say your gran said they are to attached. Attachment is a good thing you know, its the foundation of relationships. what humans need. My children are a good example of independent children. And I wont be putting others down who dont ap by the way, its not a competition.

 

[NoodleSnack]

I do think other parenting styles work, but ones that ignore responding to a childs needs consistently...do cause damage. There is significant research to support this. The issue with your opinions (besides the rude delivery of them) is they are so laced with ignorance.

And where did I say anything about ignoring a child's need consistently? You called me ignorant a few times, even though my posts to you said exactly what you agree with - that other ways of parenting works as well, mischaracterise my posts, and then you call me rude.

 

[NoodleSnack]

Oh and children who are AP dont turn out clingy messes, just so you know. It builds a more independent child.

Never claimed they do. But you will have to actually produce research that it actually build a "more" independent child than other ways of parenting to convince me.

I tend you look at my children for evidence thats something is working and understand them. Not throw about research, although I did do research I follow my head and heart a lot. Use my intuition. Not because someone said it was bad or good. A lot more parents need to use their heads and look at their child, not books and tv programs. I choose to parent how I parent only seems to slot in with Ap , I didnt know that till a long time in to it. I didnt read books or use methods other than basic instinct. If it feels right do it. As for AP making more independent child, not saying it as a competition you did say your gran said they are to attached. Attachment is a good thing you know, its the foundation of relationships. what humans need. My children are a good example of independent children. And I wont be putting others down who dont ap by the way, its not a competition.

You say it's not a competition, but you used the term "more", not me. When you make an objective comparison like that, you also need to provide objective evidence to convince people. I never question that your way works for you, others have different ways, and they produce well adjusted children as well.