High needs baby please help me

[NoodleSnack]

Noodle, I think the point the ladies are trying to make is that you have no experience with your own children. They will not go by the book.

Never thought they would. And the point I'm making is that some people have used other ways and it worked for them, so it's not even coming from me.

And, for the record, every AP parent I have ever spoken to has lovely children. Recently, there have been MANY articles about how responding to your childs emotional and physical needs leads to them being more self assured and independant. My own son is very independant when we are out. He has a molar coming through at the moment so yes, he is a bit more attached than usual.

Okay.

 

[moomoo]

 

[JASMAK]

Noodleshack, are you the mother of a high needs baby? I gather from your posts that you haven't been a mom yet, let alone the mother of a high needs baby - I'm sorry, but the way you speak of a 13 month old high needs baby sounds rather detached and textbook, like you are watching in from a window but don't truly understand what's going on here. Those of us who have/had "high needs baby" (which, yes, DOES exist), cannot simply put them into a little box of behavior like many people seem to think from their observations.

When you are dealing with a particularly needy child, especially one who is at such significant milestones as separation anxiety, learning to walk, and the varied emotional/mental changes that accompany those milestones, using such blanket statements isn't necessarily the best way to go. For us moms of "high needs babies" (and even just "normal" personality ones), we may find that this "GIVING IN" during their brief moments of insecurity actually helps them far better in the long run, in terms of security.

I apologize if my post offends but I think when one has a high needs baby, they really need to listen to other mothers of high needs babies who have been long past that particular stage - because we've been there and we've tried the methods to adapt to our babies. They aren't as "adaptable" as people think from their brief observations or I-heard-this/I-saw-this blanket statements. Treating them in such a manner might actually make our OP's day a lot worse and more frustrating, especially when her child does NOT adapt as typical.

I find nothing offensive with your post, but there are ladies with babies like OP's (who BTW she said is difficult from birth, not just starting a new phase) who relate their experience in leaving their child. I wrote my post in support of AlwaysPraying because I don't see why she needs to kind of apologise for using the term "manipulation", because I've seen children that age manipulate their parents with tantrums and then turn around and be completely fine with other adults.
.

Yes I understand the baby has been difficult from birth, hence a "high needs baby", but when high needs babies go through these same stages that others do, it can be even more exhausting and amplified. Hence, why I say that just leaving the baby and letting the baby "learn no" or whatever is not necessarily the best solution - as the mother of a high needs baby myself - I know exactly what path that is going to go down, and it's probably not going to work and probably just going to make the OP even more stressed out. Which is why I am trying to offer her solutions that are in the gray area between putting the baby down and letting her cry/whine OR holding her 24/7.

Anyways, I've given her enough suggestions I think. But I can't keep following this debate. I'm sorry Noodleshack, but it is VERY clear that you are not a mother. And I know you don't think it matters. But it's very obvious (and I can see a remarkable contrast between your posts and AlwaysPraying - who I know to be an amazing mother who just used a different method). When you write from a very observational perspective with no actual experience yourself (I'm sorry but watching others is not the same) then you can't truly understand what the OP is going through, and I make no apologies for that. Non-parents are welcome to give their advice but there comes a point where their advice might be completely off the mark and impractical for a mother to implement.

Always Praying IS a wonderful mother, and her opinion is respected, as she IS a mother....and I do believe her child is somewhat high needs. She DOES respond to her child, as I have spoken to Always Praying, well, anout a gazillion times....and her post and your posts and extremely different. Similar view or not...you are clearly ignorant on many points. I have taught children too...ages infants to 20 years...and there is such a difference, you cant even compare!

 

[JASMAK]

I do think other parenting styles work, but ones that ignore responding to a childs needs consistently...do cause damage. There is significant research to support this. The issue with your opinions (besides the rude delivery of them) is they are so laced with ignorance.

And where did I say anything about ignoring a child's need consistently? You called me ignorant a few times, even though my posts to you said exactly what you agree with - that other ways of parenting works as well, mischaracterise my posts, and then you call me rude.

I suggest you come back here after your childs first birthday, and reread all of this...I think you will understand what I mean by ignorant then.

 

[NoodleSnack]

Noodleshack, are you the mother of a high needs baby? I gather from your posts that you haven't been a mom yet, let alone the mother of a high needs baby - I'm sorry, but the way you speak of a 13 month old high needs baby sounds rather detached and textbook, like you are watching in from a window but don't truly understand what's going on here. Those of us who have/had "high needs baby" (which, yes, DOES exist), cannot simply put them into a little box of behavior like many people seem to think from their observations.

When you are dealing with a particularly needy child, especially one who is at such significant milestones as separation anxiety, learning to walk, and the varied emotional/mental changes that accompany those milestones, using such blanket statements isn't necessarily the best way to go. For us moms of "high needs babies" (and even just "normal" personality ones), we may find that this "GIVING IN" during their brief moments of insecurity actually helps them far better in the long run, in terms of security.

I apologize if my post offends but I think when one has a high needs baby, they really need to listen to other mothers of high needs babies who have been long past that particular stage - because we've been there and we've tried the methods to adapt to our babies. They aren't as "adaptable" as people think from their brief observations or I-heard-this/I-saw-this blanket statements. Treating them in such a manner might actually make our OP's day a lot worse and more frustrating, especially when her child does NOT adapt as typical.

I find nothing offensive with your post, but there are ladies with babies like OP's (who BTW she said is difficult from birth, not just starting a new phase) who relate their experience in leaving their child. I wrote my post in support of AlwaysPraying because I don't see why she needs to kind of apologise for using the term "manipulation", because I've seen children that age manipulate their parents with tantrums and then turn around and be completely fine with other adults.

As for attachment parenting, my MIL believes that you shouldn't pick up babies too much otherwise they become too attached. She raised 3 perfectly fine healthy adults. She dotes on them and loves them despite her beliefs regarding picking up babies, so anyone that believe that it must be one way or another, or that if parents let their babies cry during bed time, or when they have to do chores, aren't loving parents seems to me quite narrow minded.

No one has said no parent loves their child less, but you have digged at AP a few times and then retaliated with your hands in the air about your own style by calling others narrow minded. Thats strange.

The ladies' words were: "I think I will stiick to the parenting I have researched and practiced. Giving your child love, nurturing, and understanding benefits children...not spoils them" with regards to AP. That to me reads like her way is the loving way, while others are not.

I provided an example of my MIL's different belief, and how her children turn out just as well. It doesn't mean I endorse it or has a "style".

 

[NoodleSnack]

I do think other parenting styles work, but ones that ignore responding to a childs needs consistently...do cause damage. There is significant research to support this. The issue with your opinions (besides the rude delivery of them) is they are so laced with ignorance.

And where did I say anything about ignoring a child's need consistently? You called me ignorant a few times, even though my posts to you said exactly what you agree with - that other ways of parenting works as well, mischaracterise my posts, and then you call me rude.

I suggest you come back here after your childs first birthday, and reread all of this...I think you will understand what I mean by ignorant then.

Okay. I doubt I'll see it differently. It's not like the fact that other ways of parenting can work is going to change.

 

[JASMAK]

You are rude...you said my 7 year old had a 'problem' and you told me I 'must' not hold my child, and basically said I was wrong...saying 'holding my child while saying no is saying yes. '. If you were a preschool teacher here, I would not be sending my children to you.

 

[JASMAK]

I do think other parenting styles work, but ones that ignore responding to a childs needs consistently...do cause damage. There is significant research to support this. The issue with your opinions (besides the rude delivery of them) is they are so laced with ignorance.

And where did I say anything about ignoring a child's need consistently? You called me ignorant a few times, even though my posts to you said exactly what you agree with - that other ways of parenting works as well, mischaracterise my posts, and then you call me rude.

I suggest you come back here after your childs first birthday, and reread all of this...I think you will understand what I mean by ignorant then.

Okay. I doubt I'll see it differently. It's not like the fact that other ways of parenting can work is going to change.

Ok, it is really starting to appear you are looking for a row here. Its not even about other parenting styles...I have my way...yes, I dont agree with your parenting ideal, its about you clearly missing some key points of being a mother. Thats fine, except you are advising a mother of what you know nothing about, criticizing other mothers, of which you know nothing about, and insulting innocent children, of what you know nothing about. Now you are going trough all the posts and fiercely defending a parenting ideal you have never tried.

 

[Dragonfly]

Noodleshack, are you the mother of a high needs baby? I gather from your posts that you haven't been a mom yet, let alone the mother of a high needs baby - I'm sorry, but the way you speak of a 13 month old high needs baby sounds rather detached and textbook, like you are watching in from a window but don't truly understand what's going on here. Those of us who have/had "high needs baby" (which, yes, DOES exist), cannot simply put them into a little box of behavior like many people seem to think from their observations.

When you are dealing with a particularly needy child, especially one who is at such significant milestones as separation anxiety, learning to walk, and the varied emotional/mental changes that accompany those milestones, using such blanket statements isn't necessarily the best way to go. For us moms of "high needs babies" (and even just "normal" personality ones), we may find that this "GIVING IN" during their brief moments of insecurity actually helps them far better in the long run, in terms of security.

I apologize if my post offends but I think when one has a high needs baby, they really need to listen to other mothers of high needs babies who have been long past that particular stage - because we've been there and we've tried the methods to adapt to our babies. They aren't as "adaptable" as people think from their brief observations or I-heard-this/I-saw-this blanket statements. Treating them in such a manner might actually make our OP's day a lot worse and more frustrating, especially when her child does NOT adapt as typical.

I find nothing offensive with your post, but there are ladies with babies like OP's (who BTW she said is difficult from birth, not just starting a new phase) who relate their experience in leaving their child. I wrote my post in support of AlwaysPraying because I don't see why she needs to kind of apologise for using the term "manipulation", because I've seen children that age manipulate their parents with tantrums and then turn around and be completely fine with other adults.

As for attachment parenting, my MIL believes that you shouldn't pick up babies too much otherwise they become too attached. She raised 3 perfectly fine healthy adults. She dotes on them and loves them despite her beliefs regarding picking up babies, so anyone that believe that it must be one way or another, or that if parents let their babies cry during bed time, or when they have to do chores, aren't loving parents seems to me quite narrow minded.

No one has said no parent loves their child less, but you have digged at AP a few times and then retaliated with your hands in the air about your own style by calling others narrow minded. Thats strange.

The ladies' words were: "I think I will stiick to the parenting I have researched and practiced. Giving your child love, nurturing, and understanding benefits children...not spoils them" with regards to AP. That to me reads like her way is the loving way, while others are not.

I provided an example of my MIL's different belief, and how her children turn out just as well. It doesn't mean I endorse it or has a "style".

Thats the foundations of attachment parenting, not a competition against other styles.

And I to found you rude pointing out Jasmaks child had problems though I didnt say anything as it wasnt aimed at me but i would have been very offended if you said that to me. I admit I hovered over report button for that one.

 

[NoodleSnack]

Noodleshack, are you the mother of a high needs baby? I gather from your posts that you haven't been a mom yet, let alone the mother of a high needs baby - I'm sorry, but the way you speak of a 13 month old high needs baby sounds rather detached and textbook, like you are watching in from a window but don't truly understand what's going on here. Those of us who have/had "high needs baby" (which, yes, DOES exist), cannot simply put them into a little box of behavior like many people seem to think from their observations.

When you are dealing with a particularly needy child, especially one who is at such significant milestones as separation anxiety, learning to walk, and the varied emotional/mental changes that accompany those milestones, using such blanket statements isn't necessarily the best way to go. For us moms of "high needs babies" (and even just "normal" personality ones), we may find that this "GIVING IN" during their brief moments of insecurity actually helps them far better in the long run, in terms of security.

I apologize if my post offends but I think when one has a high needs baby, they really need to listen to other mothers of high needs babies who have been long past that particular stage - because we've been there and we've tried the methods to adapt to our babies. They aren't as "adaptable" as people think from their brief observations or I-heard-this/I-saw-this blanket statements. Treating them in such a manner might actually make our OP's day a lot worse and more frustrating, especially when her child does NOT adapt as typical.

I find nothing offensive with your post, but there are ladies with babies like OP's (who BTW she said is difficult from birth, not just starting a new phase) who relate their experience in leaving their child. I wrote my post in support of AlwaysPraying because I don't see why she needs to kind of apologise for using the term "manipulation", because I've seen children that age manipulate their parents with tantrums and then turn around and be completely fine with other adults.
.

Yes I understand the baby has been difficult from birth, hence a "high needs baby", but when high needs babies go through these same stages that others do, it can be even more exhausting and amplified. Hence, why I say that just leaving the baby and letting the baby "learn no" or whatever is not necessarily the best solution - as the mother of a high needs baby myself - I know exactly what path that is going to go down, and it's probably not going to work and probably just going to make the OP even more stressed out. Which is why I am trying to offer her solutions that are in the gray area between putting the baby down and letting her cry/whine OR holding her 24/7.

Anyways, I've given her enough suggestions I think. But I can't keep following this debate. I'm sorry Noodleshack, but it is VERY clear that you are not a mother. And I know you don't think it matters. But it's very obvious (and I can see a remarkable contrast between your posts and AlwaysPraying - who I know to be an amazing mother who just used a different method). When you write from a very observational perspective with no actual experience yourself (I'm sorry but watching others is not the same) then you can't truly understand what the OP is going through, and I make no apologies for that. Non-parents are welcome to give their advice but there comes a point where their advice might be completely off the mark and impractical for a mother to implement.

Always Praying IS a wonderful mother, and her opinion is respected, as she IS a mother....and I do believe her child is somewhat high needs. She DOES respond to her child, as I have spoken to Always Praying, well, anout a gazillion times....and her post and your posts and extremely different. Similar view or not...you are clearly ignorant on many points. I have taught children too...ages infants to 20 years...and there is such a difference, you cant even compare!

You keep claiming I'm ignorant, and throw your expertise around but you have yet to point out how and in what way I'm wrong, or provide the research that you claimed to have done. It seems like you want to take my posts personally, even though the original ones were in response to someone else, and some of the things you think I said I never did.

If you read the thread, in post #24, I said that she indeed responds to her child even though she leaves him. And if you don't respect my opinion, then just leave it be, don't need to get work up about it. Unless you think non-mothers should not post their opinions?

 

[Ozzieshunni]

I think you're looking for a debate, Noodle. I don't think this is the place for it.

 

[JASMAK]

I think you're looking for a debate, Noodle. I don't think this is the place for it.

Yes, agreed. I am done here!!


For the OP...sooo sorry this turned so ugly on here!!! Having a high needs baby is not easy.

Here is some links for anyone interested reading on AP, which I follow mostly (not 100%). I realize there is many parenting ways, I dont think we all 'label' our parenting. LOL. Mostly, I do what comes naturally to me...go with the flow is my parenting quote!


https://www.empathicparenting.org/daycare/attach.htm
https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/attachment-parenting

 

[fluffpuffin]

The OP asked for advice not a debate on parenting styles. Either you have something useful to say of not . !?

The other ladies are trying to say that you have a lack of experience in this field, i.e. you're not a mum yet, so whatever you might have heard from other people about leaving a 1 year old who is unhappy and wants his mum in another room might apply to these people, but

a) not everyone will be happy to leave their child crying and miserable in another room (again you won't be able to understand the heart ache that only your own child's cry can give you until you have your own) &

b) it most certainly won't work for a lot of kids, especially high needs kids. Isla was a high needs baby and young toddler and there's no way I could have done that to her. She would have been hysterical and totally confused as to why mummy has left her. It would have made her insecure and unhappy.

Hence we have been offering other strategies that can help. So from that perspective I think your arguments and debate is a bit pointless. What exactly are you arguing here???

 

[JASMAK]

The OP asked for advice not a debate on parenting styles. Either you have something useful to say of not . !?

The other ladies are trying to say that you have a lack of experience in this field, i.e. you're not a mum yet, so whatever you might have heard from other people about leaving a 1 year old who is unhappy and wants his mum in another room might apply to these people, but

a) not everyone will be happy to leave their child crying and miserable in another room (again you won't be able to understand the heart ache that only your own child's cry can give you until you have your own) &

b) it most certainly won't work for a lot of kids, especially high needs kids. Isla was a high needs baby and young toddler and there's no way I could have done that to her. She would have been hysterical and totally confused as to why mummy has left her. It would have made her insecure and unhappy.

Hence we have been offering other strategies that can help. So from that perspective I think your arguments and debate is a bit pointless. What exactly are you arguing here???

Well said!

 

[Miss_Bump]

I've not read this whole thread but just want to add...

Evie is 'high needs' we just came back from holiday and took her push chair and she went it it once. Once!! All the other times I carried her as she just didn't want to walk ad would get upset and for me I'd rather have a happy child on my hip than a sad child following behind me or in another room without me.

I just do what I can around the house with Evie and other things I can't do I'll ask DH or do it when she is sleeping or out with her nan etc.

I know it's very tough especially with a 2stone wiggly toddler but it won't last forever hun x

 

[pinklightbulb]

The best advice I have is to follow your instincts. If you feel it will do more harm than good not to pick your baby up, don't try some of the methods suggested and go cold turkey on her. Ease into it gently. It might take weeks, but eventually you will see results

 

[Aidan's Mummy]

I haven't read the full thread hun sorry. You could try a sling? that way your LO is with you and you can d what you need too x

 

[NoodleSnack]

I think you're looking for a debate, Noodle. I don't think this is the place for it.

I'm happy for others to not respond to me if they don't respect my opinion and find no use for what I write. All they have to do is not quote my posts or respond to me. Note that originally I was not engaging with any of the ladies who disagree with me now, my posts were addressed to someone else, so it's not me starting the "debate". When people quote my post, I respond, when I feel like it's mischaracterised, I told them so.

 

[NoodleSnack]

The OP asked for advice not a debate on parenting styles. Either you have something useful to say of not . !?

I feel I have something useful to say: that children can manipulate, that if the OP feels she needs to leave her baby to do chores or look after herself, I think that's okay. I said that and others ladies seem to think that that's an attack on their parenting choice.

The other ladies are trying to say that you have a lack of experience in this field, i.e. you're not a mum yet, so whatever you might have heard from other people about leaving a 1 year old who is unhappy and wants his mum in another room might apply to these people, but

a) not everyone will be happy to leave their child crying and miserable in another room (again you won't be able to understand the heart ache that only your own child's cry can give you until you have your own) &

b) it most certainly won't work for a lot of kids, especially high needs kids. Isla was a high needs baby and young toddler and there's no way I could have done that to her. She would have been hysterical and totally confused as to why mummy has left her. It would have made her insecure and unhappy.

Hence we have been offering other strategies that can help. So from that perspective I think your arguments and debate is a bit pointless. What exactly are you arguing here???

Read the thread. I wrote a post to support another mum who had just such an experience and she offered her experience of leaving her child who then learned to cope, and in response to another, point out that she was responding to her child. My arguement all along was that people make different choices and they can all work.

 

[pinklightbulb]

They can manipulate, yes. Everyone has different opinions on how to deal with said manipulation or don't see it as manipulation at all.