Hindsite is 20/20

[Samantha675]

I think I just need to unload this, so feel free to read and run, or just run.

I have been interviewing MWs for my next birth. While my last MW was great, I have come to feel that she is not the one for me. That I need more than she gave me during my birth with my son.

Obviously I wanted a natural birth, and was very happy with my choice of having a home birth. Through my research I felt that going with a MW would give me the best chances of that. I could circumvent the whole medical process and cycle of interventions that are so common in the US now. So I went with a MW.

My water broke a few days before my due date at 6pm. I began to contract soon after. Soon my contractions became very intense and seemed to last forever, but I was not dilating. After a few hours close to midnight, my MW suggested we transfer to hospital, where I ended up having a c-section.

It took me a really long time to come to terms with my birth. I felt like I failed. That my DH didn't help me enough, that my MW could have done something different. It was weeks before I could think of my pregnancy without crying, and longer for the birth. But I have come to terms with it.

So when speaking to a new MW I described my birth and she really felt that my contractions while painful and difficult can be a normal part of early labor. She said it usually settles down and becomes regular and bearable. That my MW should have helped me ride it out, but since she had been at the hospital with another mother, and had attended several births that week, she was probably just too tired to be bothered to stay up with me to do so. Another MW I have interviewed hinted at the same thing, and a friend's MW after hearing my story felt I was rushed to the hospital to soon.

I don't know what to do with this info. I don't know how to feel about it. I feel betrayed, and stupid for not having interviewed other midwives the first time around. And really scared that I will make the wrong choice again.

 

[silver_penny]

I'm sorry to hear your birth didn't go as planned. I will post more about my birth experience when I'm not as tired and have more time. It took me a while to get over how my birth went, as well, and will let you know how I dealt with my fear and hesitancy to go through it again.

 

[Mervs Mum]

I;m so sorry Sam. I my waters went at 8am and I didnt have a sniff of a contraction until 6pm.....then I wasnt examined internally until about midnight (at my request) and he was born at 12.46am. Even 5 mins before he was born I was 'only' 7cm. Women dont dilate at a set rate per hour......we are all different. My friend arrived at hospital doing well and was examined to be told 1cm......half an hour later she was struggling.....they refused to examine her again and another 30mins passed and she got on the floor on all fours and started to push...MWs came in, rolled their eyes and told her to stop it....then the looked as her baby crowned 1cm to being born in 1hr 10mins. MWs DONT know it all.....I can understand you were betrayed. You need someone who will rough it out with you if it stalls - so long as the baby is happy in there when they check on the doppler, then where's the rush?

I know you're going to have a great birth experience this time

 

[silver_penny]

Alright, so here goes (warning might be long)...

I was in the care of an independant mw since about 20 weeks because I was unhappy with the care I was getting at the birth center. She seemed alright, though I must admit now that I missed a lot of warning signs. (She had a hard time returning phone calls and remembering information, among other things) When the time came for me to give birth, she seemed very intent on keeping everything going along in a timely manner. however, all heck broke loose when she finally "discovered" that my LO was an undiagnosed breech. She gave us no other options other than transfer to hospital, even though I was in transition and didn't want to go. The car ride was the hardest part of my labor, as I was actively resisting my contractions (both unhealthy for me and LO) When we got to the hospital, the mw was no where in sight. Turns out, she missed the turn for the hospital, and didn't even make it there in time for the birth. The hospital staff couldn't have been more irritating. They made me wait outside in the hallway while they finished getting a room ready for me (we called before we left the house, and we live 20-30 minutes away) Still don't understand why they weren't ready. I honestly could have given birth right there in the hallway. When they checked me, I was fully dilated and my LO was +3. This thankfully negated a c-section, which they would have forced on me.

Now, they transferred me to the surgery room "just in case." They had my DH gown up so he could come in. However, they never let him in the room for the delivery!!! I repeatedly asked for my DH, and they refused to let him in.

The OB who was attending me was rude and harsh. She was going to give me an episiotomy despite the fact that it was unnecessary. I had to do a desperate push just so she would get the scissors away from me. She then put her hand in me to raise my LO's rear to "protect my perineum." Stupid doctor didn't realize that she was causing my periurethral area to tear instead.

Anywho... I finally gave birth to my LO and they let my DH in the room. The nurse came over and was about to stick another bag on my IV drip that they had inserted "just in case." I asked what it was and he said "its pitocin" I told him repeatedly that I didn't want or need it. I told him not to give it to me. His response was simply: oh, we have to... blah blah blah bs. Never gave me a reason as to why they needed to give it to me.

I felt so degraded and my wishes not respected, I wanted out of there ASAP. I didn't sleep at all that night, the nurses were horrible, the room was terrible, and I had to share a bathroom with some other lady who was letting her relatives use the "patient only" bathroom. I ended up humiliated when I asked the nurse if there was another bathroom I could use, she said no, and I ended up urinting all over the bed after waiting 5-10 minutes for the stupid bathroom. Serves that nurse right, she had to clean it up. I was devastated by that as well, because they were supposed to be monitoring my urine output so they could take the IV out, which was bruising my hand and making it uncomfortable for me to even hold my newborn, let alone feed him!

All in all, I did get the best thing out of my birth, which is my precious LO. However, I came away from the entire experience disappointed, degraded, and scared. Just so no one thinks I am completely anti-hospital, I volunteered for 5 years on labor and delivery floors before my birth, I understand how busy the nurses are and I appreciate all they do. However, I was severely disappointed and disgusted with the way I was treated personally. I felt like just another number that they wanted out of their hair as soon as possible. I happily obliged them on this point, as I signed out of that hospital the next day AMA.

Here comes the fun part... my mw in her initial visits said she would have at least 3 visits after birth. Once the day after, then a week later, and then for 6 week post-partum. I saw her once afterwards. She never contacted me again. So she never fulfilled her contract with me, even though she walked away with all the money I paid her. She wasn't there for the birth, she didn't give me advice on bf'ing, and she never signed me out of her care. (FYI, independant mw's are not cheap!)

Here is how I went about my healing process: I cried... a lot. I grieved for the birth I had dreamt of, I went through a gammot of emotions concerning the birth. I placed some of the blame on myself for a while, but upon doing a lot of research, I came to the conclusion that none of it was my fault. I couldn't forsee the future, and I put my trust in someone who should have fulfilled their duties. It was not my fault that they didn't follow through. I also did a lot of research on the process of birth, and have even studied some midwifery myself. One of my favorite books is Grantly Dick-Read's book "Childbirth without Fear" I have also learned the phrase "I refuse to give my consent to..." Its a legally binding phrase which medical professionals have to obey, or you can legally sue them. There are a lot of things I wish I knew and wish I did differently, but there is no changing the past, just learning from it. I hope this helps at least a little bit. "You are an amazing woman, and can do anything you put your mind to!"

 

[Samantha675]

Thank you Silver Penny, I will write more when I can, but my DH is in the kitchen unpacking and wondering where I have wondered off to. hehe naughty me.

 

[goddess25]

I am sorry to hear that samantha and silver penny i am sure you both will have positive birth experiences this time around.

 

[Samantha675]

Wow Silver Penny, your MW was way worse than mine for sure. It's not that my MW was malicious in her inattentiveness, looking back I think she was just tired. My husband said he was gone much of my labor, in the guest room asleep, why she didn't call one of her other MW assistance is beyond me. There is nothing I can do to change what happened, all I can do is plan the next birth of my choice and hope for the best.

 

[Blob]

I'm really sorry your births didnt go to plan and your MWs were disgusting I hope that you can move on from it and get the birth you want next time around...

 

[kiwimama]

I'm so sorry you didn't get the birth you planned Sam. It must of been devastating for you. Hindsite is 20/20 but as you look towards your next labour and birth you can use what you have been through to help you achieve the birth you want. It sounds like you are interviewing several different mws, which is great and you are well on your way to finding a mw who will help you get your homebirth.