how am i supposed to deal with this? suggestions?

[MrS. MaBrEy]

my husband and i are almost to our 3.5 year mark of TTC. my FIL started on us before i was even out of my wedding dress (im not exaggerating...literally while taking wedding pictures!) ...my mom waited until about a year ago to start asking questions but stopped whenever i asked her to go with me to have the HSG done and she realized that "reproductive endocrinologist" wasnt just for my blood sugar...my MIL (divorced and remarried) has never ever put any pressure on us thank God.
At thanksgiving i hit my last straw with FIL's insistance. 3 weeks before at my husbands graduation i went out alone with him and told him flat out that i was almost 100% sure we were going to need IVF or IUI to get pregnant, and that the stress of being pressured from him was hard for my husband (who is about to be deployed as well) and for me and that i would appreciate it if he would stop asking and making little snide remarks because we have tried everything and nothing is working.
then at thanksgiving he says in front of everyone : "i HATE that my son and his wife treat their dogs like his children if you want children maybe you should just HAVE SOME" i literally said out loud ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? got up, packed our things, and left. i havent spoken to them since. my husband just left for Germany and wont return for 3 years at least and i am waiting for him to find our apartment before i go (will probably be in mid. january) so i couldnt expect him NOT to speak to them or go around them, especially considering he is about to deploy, it was important that he still see them and i felt like i needed to put my feelings aside for my husband in this situation. he decided that the best thing he could do was talk to him about his inappropriate comments and see if he could make him understand why it isnt okay to treat us that way. he told him that it was disrespectful and hateful, and that he needs to learn some tact and some sensitivity...his dads response? "well maybe you 2 need to just get used to people asking...how do you expect perfect strangers to just KNOW your both so messed up you cant have kids" ARE YOU Fing KIDDING ME???? since when is PCOS (which he KNOWS I have) and low sperm count a disease you can cause in yourself!?!?!?! uhg...im just disgusted. im still not over it...it ruined my last couple of days with my husband at home. i dont think i can get over it

what would you do? is it okay for me to cut all ties with them? refuse to communicate with them? keep in mind that their son will be deployed to afganistan next year...is it fair to only allow them updates we choose to give over FB? i really feel like after all this time they should care more about our feelings than this and things are never ever going to change

 

[a1b2c3]

oh my gosh. I can't believe how rude he is!

I am not in your situation, and only you know how best to deal with it. I don't think there is a 'correct' way. I think all you can do is what you are comfortable with.

If it was me.... I think I would speak to them politely when requried, but I sure as hell would not be going out of my way to make contact. If there were anymore rude comments made to me, particularly in front of everyone else.... I think I would simply reply 'don't be an ass all of your life', then I would get up, politely excuse myself from everyone else, and leave. I think it would make him reconsider his in appropriate outbursts if you put him in his place.

Having said that.... obviously, prepare yourself for if he responds. if your quick on your feet then great.... if your like me and tend to think of things after the event 'then try to prepare answers, or ways of responding'. I would try not to get into an argument though. Say you peice and leave.

I think it's good that your husband is trying to make your FIL understand.... but unfortunatley in this world.... there are some people who are just never going to get it. That's not your fault, and it's not your problem.... it's his. and to be honest, I think most people would realise that it's his.

Good Luck x

 

[phoenixrose]

I'm sorry you're facing such a difficult situation! I can relate in a slightly different way. A year and a half ago I decided that I wasn't going to speak to my mother anymore. Not for fertility related things, but because she is not a good person and and diddnt want to continually put myself in those situations. I wanted to be happy and I was never happy around her. That being said...my husband was always supportive of my decision since it was my mother. If I wanted to only see her for holidays, see her once a week, or never speak to her again...he supported my choice. So I think the best thing is to talk to your hubby and see how he feels about it. You can tell him how you feel as well, just remember that it is his father and he may become defensive. If he decides to still have contact with his dad then you can tell him that you will respect his decision but that he needs to understand that you will not be spoken to that way and you will stand up for yourself the way you have been and that he is your husband and should stand up for you too...well, that's what I would say, but I'm quite feisty at times Good luck!

 

[cooch]

Old b*astard!!!!!

Do not have anything more to do with him. DH can see him by himself- if he needs to! You will be leaving the country soon anyway xx

 

[NellyVille]

I think, if I were in your situation I wouldn't have anything more to do with FIL. Let DH decide for himself what he wants to do but make sure he knows that you won't be going within spitting distance of him. But that's just me! xx

 

[MrS. MaBrEy]

i think the guilt of not speaking to them has more to do with our move and the deployment then anything. i dont care about his feelings or anything but the "good person" inside of me says that no matter what they have the right to know if their son is okay over there...i just feel like they should be making the effort not me! so then its decided. they get FB updates that everyone else gets, and if they choose to email their son then they can get info that way if he chooses to give it. i wont be dealing anymore. hearing some other ladies say they would react the same way helps so much. thank you's

 

[NavyWife84]

I would leave it up to dh to update your FIL. They have email and phone cards. If dh feels the need to update him, that's his perrogative, but I would definitely not go out of my way if I were you. I understand as a military wife, you get the most updates, news, etc and it is easier for you to relay messages, but I wouldn't be able to do it to someone who is so disrespectful to you. Also, if FIL is that worried about his son, than he can try to contact you for updates himself...a little stress off of your shoulders during deployment.

I would also have a talk with dh. A while back, I was having troubles with my mil saying rude things to me. Dh would just sit there quietly, saying "oh, you know how my mom is" or "that's just mom" I had to have a come to Jesus with him and let him know that I am his wife and he needs to stand up for me. I know your dh tried to talk to his dad, but I also feel that he should have defended you in the situations you described above.