How can my ex fiance treat me this way?!

[Linzi765]

I was proposed to in May, planned for our baby in June and fell straight away.6 months on and my ex fiance has left me and is partying with his friends like he never did when we were together saying he just wants to "be himself". I just wish he had told me before getting pregnant that the real him wanted to be single and stay out on his mates sofas each weekend!

He says he wants to be involved with our daughter and i believe what he says, he wants to support her financially too. He just doesnt "picture his life " with me anymore. How on earth has he gone from me wanting to be his wife to that opinion?! and has acted like this pregnancy is nothing, like i havnt had a right to be emotional "past the first trimester", he acts as if me giving birth alone is nothing.

In fact he doesnt seem to think of me at all, last week he was telling me he loved me , missed me and had been thinkin of me. He told me he would call me (has changed his number) and I should go over to talk on fri evening. That same evening he went to the pub and never came back, and stayed at a friends house. I barely slept thinking he was out in toen partying and had gone to a random girls house. When i confronted him for treating me as if we had never had our 2 year relationship he simply said he "forgot to text" me. He invited me in, we ended up having sex as he was BSing me with I love yous, and then he told me I had "outstayed my welcome" and needed to leave...before walking me out his house! ive never felt so used and humiliated. Im carrying his child, we were engaged and hes treating me like our baby was an accident and I was a one night stand. That was the final straw. I changed my number, blocked his email account and deleted my facebook. Not like he will contact me, he hasnt bothered in the past 2 months. I just dont see what is so attractive about going to the pub with his other 30odd year old friends and stayin on their sofas! when he has a baby girl on the way. I mean I know its not about her , its about not wanting me .

The thing is, im so confused because he was THE most kind, loving considerate person iv met in my whole life, who said his days of drinking were behind him. He is 33 years old, a teacher with a good upbringing so I dont know how he is able to treat the mother is his child how hes treated me. i would expect that from some men but not from the man I THOUGHT he was. I guess you only see what people want you to see. He has never asked how I am or if he could come to the birth. Just wants to come back when ive delivered her and play dad.

It hurts so bad, i feel totally betrayed and dont know what was the real him! How can men do this.Im dreading seeing him again to sort out visits. Im going though mediation as I dotn feel I can be around him alone.

I do want to add, I wasnt a joy to live with during this pregnancy. I cried a lot, was very down, emotional, depressed some days, angry , insecure and jealous! It effected me in a way I never knew was possible! I leveled out and became "sane" again at around 22 weeks! But I guess I had caused the damage by then.

Anyone went though a similar thing? Its like hes a complete different person. I dont know who this guy is at all. How did this happen. He was meant to love me????

Lynsey , 28, Durham

 

[calm]

I hope you don't mind me posting, I am neither single or pregnant, but came across your thread and was so horrified by what I read that I couldn't just read and run. The part how he played with your emotions and hopes so to get you to bed and then after chucked you out of the house made me feel quite ill. Its not like he is very young either The only thing I can say is what I am sure others have said: you are better off without such a person So sorry hun

 

[teal]

I'm so sorry he's turned out like that. You're definitely better off without him. I think a positive would be that you've found out now rather than after your daughter is here.

My LO wasn't planned and when I told my ex he made me choose between him and my baby. I chose my baby (not a choice really!) and we broke up. I didn't expect someone I thought I knew and could trust to do that.

It's his loss and don't think because you were emotional that you caused any of this. This is his doing, not yours xx

 

[Dezireey]

God what an awful man. I totally empathise, my ex was foul to me when I was pregnant and wants nothing to do with his son. Back then. I was like you, loved him, didn't understand how he could be so cruel etc etc. There is absolutely no excuse to behave this way towards you, especially as you planned the baby. These types of men make my blood boil, the ones who plan a baby with the woman and then leave her and pretend like it is something the woman did on her own and he has no part in it. Yuk.

The best and only thing you can do is totally ignore him and leave him alone. No contact is the best way for you to heal properly. If he is interested in his child, let him make all the effort to get to know your baby. Frankly it's no loss for you if he disappears for good. I would much rather that my child never knew his Dad at all, than having a father in his life letting him down and being selfish all the time and hurting him.

You will get over this and you will move on, it takes time but you will get there. He deserves no chance with you and he doesn't deserve his child either. Just stay well away if you want to be happy.

congratulations on your baby and you will be a great mum. Xx

 

[Proserpina]

What Dezireey said.

My (soon to be ex) husband was affectionate and kind when we first met, but for both of my pregnancies, he became very self-centered and unsupportive. This last one was the worst, with him partying with his friends until 6 am on weekends. Something about expecting a child seems to set off a (pre-) midlife crisis in some men.

I'd say stay the hell away from this guy. If he wants to be involved in your child's life, let him come to you.

And be sure you put in for child support as soon as your baby is born. I don't know what it is in the UK, but in Illinois it's 30% of a man's net income for one baby with one momma. That might sober him up to the poor decisions he's made.

 

[Shezza84uk]

I am so sorry you went through this, i've been in a similar situation however my ex changed 2 weeks before the wedding with 1 child and 1 on the way. That was 2 years ago and I must say it gets easier he see's the kids at mine and I feel nothing anymore once the hurt is gone it feels like being liberated.

Try not to blame yourself, he's just a spineless man

Stay strong xx

 

[tallybee]

So sorry hun what a juvenile nasty piece of work he is. I agree 100% with Dezireey xx

 

[Kayley]

It is so sad that you hear of these situations so frequently now, 50-60 years ago men were so much more committed to their woman.

Still there are not a lot of words that will make you feel better at the moment, no matter how many people tell you that you're better off, deep down you know this! You know you've made a lucky escape and he's the one missing out - you know you shouldn't blame yourself and you are so much better than him. You are watching the clock waiting for that time to pass so you can feel better because 'time is a healer'

However none of the above makes you feel any better in the right here, right now. You hurt so much that it's almost a physical pain, your heart is so heavy you find it difficult to pick yourself up!

Well listen to me, do NOT look at your ex to try and find happiness, do not sneak a look on Facebook, Twitter or other social networking sights. Do NOT drive past his house just to see if his car is there! He doesn't deserve to be a part of your life any more! He doesn't deserve you - he isn't a man, he's a mouse!
You need to concentrate on you - you are the only person who can make yourself happy!
Wake up and say to yourself 'I can do this - today I am NOT going to be sad'
Do something for you - go out with a friend, go buy yourself something you wouldn't usually - go for a walk alone - do whatever you feel like doing! Nobody is there to judge you or expect anything from you and the more you do things like this the more your confidence will grow again! The more you will realise you can do things alone and when baby finally comes the more you will realise that you can cope! You can be happy together and you will be the best mum ever!

Your ex is missing out - show it! You are a strong woman!!

Big hugs xxx

 

[Juliekatb]

I'm so sorry. I wish I had the right words to say but I don't. All I can tell you is what everyone tells me. Take it one day at a time. Don't think about the future or it will leave you overwhelmed. Don't think about the past or it will leave you feeling miserable. Think about that baby and what a great mom you will be. I bet once that baby gets here you will be so busy concentrating on her that eventually (although it will take a while) your pain from him will lessen. You did the right thing by blocking all communication.

 

[44npregnant]

This sounds very familiar. The best advice I can give you is to STOP wondering how and why he could be so uncaring and focus on you and your baby. He just is the way he is because some people are selfish and have no empathy. Prepare to be the best Mom you can be, make sure you file for child support and be glad you did not waste any more time on him. I hope you find all the happiness you can in the future...

 

[Linzi765]

Thanks 44npregnant and all others who have taken their time to reply to me. It makes me feel better reading each response . Yeah, I should stop wondering how he could do that and except that some people are willing to treat others like crap, even those carrying their own children.

I've 7 weeks and 3 days to go today and it's really dragging now. I feel like I've been pregnant for two whole years ! Ha!

I'm not so much hurt as I was when I wrote the post , but just confused by the man he turned into. And I know with each weekend is another few nights out for him. Which feels awful.

I know I'll get past this but I just can't wait for that day to come!hate the thought of being tied to this man forever after how he's treated me. And he doesn't see how he's played a part in any of it. Grr

Xx

 

[Linzi765]

Thanks everyone for your input . I'm having to re read all your messages today . It's been 6 weeks today since we broke up. N I thought I was doing well but today I've been so upset, started crying at the cinema on my own today... I'm just so lonely . I know I shouldn't be wondering how he could do this.... But today just can't help myself .... How could he propose , plan a baby, then suddenly not love me. How does that happen.... Did he ever really love me... He obviously doesn't love me as much as he loves being around his friends drinking and watching rugby!

I've 7 weeks to go today ! I feel like going to die of loneliness it hurts pretty bad today . I just want these 7 weeks to be over and have my baby and hope she fillsy life completely that I never think about being hurt by him again

Xx

 

[44npregnant]

Thanks everyone for your input . I'm having to re read all your messages today . It's been 6 weeks today since we broke up. N I thought I was doing well but today I've been so upset, started crying at the cinema on my own today... I'm just so lonely . I know I shouldn't be wondering how he could do this.... But today just can't help myself .... How could he propose , plan a baby, then suddenly not love me. How does that happen.... Did he ever really love me... He obviously doesn't love me as much as he loves being around his friends drinking and watching rugby!

I've 7 weeks to go today ! I feel like going to die of loneliness it hurts pretty bad today . I just want these 7 weeks to be over and have my baby and hope she fillsy life completely that I never think about being hurt by him again

Xx

Unfortunately, men (and I'm sure some women) have been doing this forever. I know my bio did and when I do a brief survey of my friends, their dads were not there either. I'm not sure why some men are wonderful fathers and some have no interest in their kids.

Sometimes I feel lonely, too. But when the baby kicks I think about him and how awesome it will be to have him in my arms and love him. Things will be better then, I think.

Just have the confidence that there is a good guy out there that will complete your family some day and that this lonlely time will pass.

 

[Kate&Lucas]

Woowwww he is a prick

What he's doing has nothing to do with you, who you are or your baby. He's doing it because he's a dickhead and it's just a shame he hid it so long before.
My FOB did this, changed 100% when I got pregnant, he became an entirely different person to the man I fell in love with in every single way. Four years on he's still that person - he always was, it just took me a long time to find out.

Don't waste your time wondering the whys or waiting for him to change. Even if he throws the charm at you, he's still this person, the man who can treat you this way at the time you should have been able to rely on him most. What he's done will never stop being true.

I say it all the time but you got the good end of the deal. You get your little one, and it might take him a long time to realise what an unbelievable mistake he has made but he WILL regret choosing an aimless life of shallow partying above the amazing family he could have had. You'll have your little one for life, his party days will end and he'll have nothing.

 

[Linzi765]

I' thought I would feel better after these 6 weeks but I feel worse ! Today and yesterday have been sooo hard. I've never ever felt so hurt and betrayed or sad or lonely in my whole life!

I know it will go away but it doesn't feel like it, at least not until I have this baby. For now I have too much time to think about how he would rather spend his time other than being with me or the baby.

 

[Dezireey]

Linzi you will feel better eventually, honestly you will. I was so hurt, depressed, angry, just like you are now. Try not to let him take away any more happiness you have leading up to the birth. It's an amazing experience, please don't let it be tainted by that feeling of 'if my man isn't involved what's the point etc'. I felt like that but came around quickly when my son was born. All I can say is that it's only just recently that I am starting to feel a bit lonely as my LO has kept me very occupied and busy for the last two years.

It's been 2 years since my FOB left me, it's about 4 months since we cut all type of contact permanently ( we were arguing, he wouldn't pay child support, he wanted to be friends and for us not to fall out etc etc) I can safely say that I am happier without him in my life, after much soul searching, I have just accepted that I will always love him, despite his cruelty to me, and that life just goes on. Also dont worry at all about what your child / baby thinks. There is nothing to worry about until a few years and by then you will be stronger, wiser and moved on.

We can't control people's decisions and actions in life and in some cases, even if their decision affects us greatly, what else can we do apart from pleading our case? The way I look at things now, my FOB thought I was a crazy stalker but one day, he will think ' Christ she was pissed off with me for doing that to her and my son, she hounded the hell out of me to tell me I was wrong to do it' and then that is the time they start to doubt themselves. They may not act on it, but we won't be living our whole lives regretting abandoning our own child, they will.

Hope you feel better soon. Take care of yourself hun, mentally and physically.

 

[Linzi765]

Yeah that sounds like pretty much it. He sees my emailing him and me being "controlling and manipulating " and proper like I'm a psycho ex stalker ... And can't see that I'm so hurt , angry and upset for him leavin me during my pregnancy .

I'm done pleading me case, it's been over 6 weeks (longer if I included our break before ) if he hasn't seen sense by now he won't ever. He left me during my first pregnancy , first baby, Xmas holidays , valentines day, midwifes appointments etc I won't ever forgive him or take him back ! I know that he won't get another chance ... I just wish he could realise how much he hurt me and what exactly he had done ... Maybe one day. X

 

[Dezireey]

It's very frustrating isn't it? I never experienced anger like that before. no-one has ever done anything remotely that hurtful to me and sometimes people just don't know how to handle such painful things in the best way, so don't beat yourself up about it. I mean, you know that you could relay your story to a million other people and you know they would all say 'what kind of a man does that, that's disgusting behaviour' So it just doesn't register how our ex's just think it's perfectly okay to do that to someone, it's not okay, it never will be. They justify it to themselves or ignore their inner voice, but they KNOW what they have done is very wrong.

The only time I feel sympathy for men in situations like this is where they were totally trapped by a partner ( e.g she put a hole in his condoms or said she was on the pill etc) or maybe if he has a one night stand and used a condom and it didn't work etc.

But men that actually have long term girlfriends / partners / wives that trust them and love them, and they just up and leave them and abandon their kid just because they decide to keep the baby, it's unforgivable and full of cowardice.

You are not alone hun, this happens to lots of us and eventually you will see that despite him shattering your dreams, having a baby that loves you and you love them makes up for everything. As time has gone by, I look at my little boy and can't imagine life without him, which really means I would go through all that shit with my ex all over again to have my boy. This will change you and make you see things in a better light when you are better and stronger about this.

 

[Googiepie]

I think you are better off without him. When I was pregnant, I was an emotional mess. I was all over the place, angry one minute, happy the next and crying the next but that's part of your body and hormones changing. If he was a real man, he would have understood. You're not the one that caused damage, he just wants to act like a boy. It's upsetting to read that he used your emotions to get sex, he's pathetic. Focus on yourself and your baby, he's not even worth thinking about. Big

 

[Linzi765]

yeah, thats what I was trying to explain to him again and again ....that i couldnt help feeling that way AT ALL. his mom had said that i "shouldnt feel like that and should be happy".

To be honest I partly think she has ALOT to do with this. She told him to break up with me! She has him convinced that he was "abused" and I am some sort of controlling monster.

She was over from Ireland last week and i called to his when he was at work to speak to her alone. This woman was EXT difficult to talk to and even defended his terrible behavior of telling me he loved me and to come over then stayed out drinking all night by saying "he deserves a life". I said to her "im not here to talk you round" and she said "good, cos you never will, hes my son" I understand that he is her "baby" but seriously I know my parents wouldnt excuse my bad behaviour just because I am there daughter. surely its better to bring your child up to see both sides! But not this family, it seems like I am scum and he hasnt spoke to me for weeks. I just dont understand how someone who planned a baby could turn there back....I did throw a shoe at him during an argument and one time I hit him on the back as he was packing his stuff to leave me. I know this isnt acceptable , but I had NEVER been that way when not pregnant and he knows that. He proposed to me just before the pregnancy....but seems hes wiped that from his memory!

His mam has convinced him that I had changed him, and he said he wasnt himself ......this is total bollocks....we were SO happy, got engaged, put a deposit down on our wedding and had so many happy holidays together. His mom said to me last week "the best you can hope for is to be friends" When i mentioned this to the ex , the mother denied sayin it! I just feel like that was her warning me off and then to deny it was SO frustrating and hurtful! I know he will belive her 100%, I have no reason to lie.

I dont want him back, I just want for him to speak to me like a human being, like someone her ONCE cared about, the mother of his child! ANYTHING other than being ignored and treat like im scum.

I just dont understand how this family can be so harsh towards me.

Its been 8 weeks since he left. I honestly cant see this feeling going away. I know ill get over him but being turned on by a family i was involved with for 2 years during my pregnancy and ignored .....that man was supposed to love me, if someone who was meant to love me can do that. How can I ever trust anyone?

anyone any advice? Ive 5weeks 2 days to go! Sometimes I have to stop myself thinking about this cos the hurt runs so deep, like nothing Ive ever felt before.

lynsey xx