How did you decide when to try?

[kyrabeth]

I keep trying to talk to my OH and get us both to decide when we are going to try, and all i seem to get is i dont know and when it feels right. Has anyone else been in this situation. Its been a mad few weeks were we decided we were going to try since i came off the pill in april and then a few nights ago he turned round and said he didn't think it was right now. Im so confused and really want kids now.

It feels like a now or never situation for me at the moment as im looking to train as a teacher. But if i start the course in september then i can't realistically try for 2 years because of training and i dont want to jeopardise my chances of a job because i took time out to have a baby.

I suppose im just angry at him because he never seems to make his mind up, he worries all the time about money and as we've only moved in to our own place in february i can see his point. I know im only 22 and alot of people will probably think its fine for me to leave it for a couple of years but i really dont want to, i've never wanted to leave it much past 25 to have the two kids i want.

A long one i know, but im just clutching at straws to try and sort everything out so i know where i stand.

 

[Pops]

We just sort of decided. It had always been something we knew we would do so it was never really a case of having to say, right, when is this going to happen. We just done a few things that we needed to or wanted to first and then a couple of months ago were talking about it as casually as we always did and decided the time was upon us as things were right for us.

I finish my pill next week and we will be just going with the flow and seeing what happens.

I hope you manage to get a decision soon, one way or the other, so you can move on

xxx

 

[kintenda]

Hi Kyrabeth, I'm the same age as you & I can understand where you are coming from - my OH & I sat down & had a talk at the start of this year re: children. I had given up a nursing course in London to stay down here in Cornwall with him & I wanted to reapply for nurse training here. I said that I was happy to wait for a few years to start if he was ready to have children. We agreed on a year as it would give us time to save & I have a little bit of debt remaining that I wanted to pay off before we started TTC. I think that although you understand where your OH is coming from, he needs to be aware that it is an emotional issue & also something that ideally you should be able to prepare for (for example, if you need to lose weight, start vit supplements etc).
My advice would be really just to sit him down with a cup of tea & talk about it. It might feel difficult, but perhaps he doesn't understand that there is other help out there & that any family has worries about money, especially lately.
Bit sleepy today so this isn't coming out the way that I want it to, but if you want to chat you are more than welcome to. Good luck
Katie x

 

[Pinkgirl]

Hey hun
I spoke to OH first and it was him who said when he thought was best to TTC. we decided we wanted to have a holiday, buy a house and get settled before we TTC. i guess it felt right for me too. I am a teacher and would be completing my third year of teaching by the time we TTC.

 

[EmmaM2]

Hi, this is a hard one and it certainly sounds like its really difficult for you. I guess maybe my situation is slightly unusual as my dh was ready for kids before me and that has meant i have been able to set the ttc date. For me personally i chose to wait until i knew i would be able to finish my training as that was important for me - i finish in sept so we said we would npnt from june as even if it happens straight away i will still be able to finish and get a job and start ttc in august. I don't think there is ever a 'right' time - this will still interfere with my career and i am still scared about the whole thing but at the same time i have a real undefinable need to have a baby! It's nice to be settled in a home, career etc. but that doesn't have to define when you start, there will always be something that could be better i think. I am knocking on 29 and i would ideally like to have a few post-qualification years of work under my belt but i don't want to wait.

I don't have any advice that will be of much help other than to try and talk to your oh about your fears, concerns, hopes about the whole thing and what kind of situation he has in his mind as being the ideal time - without creating too much pressure. If it is any consolation, i know several people who have taken time out to have babies during training in various professions (one of which is a teacher) and they have been fine. I'm sorry this isn't much help! good luck with it.

 

[kyrabeth]

Well after a afternoon of screaming, shouting and crying ... why is all this so mega stressful and emotional!!! ... i dont feel like we've got anywhere He keeps saying that if i have a baby now and then can't get into my career or training i'll resent him, i dont know he gets that from

Thankyou for the replies and suggestions. I never thought the whole topic of babies would be so complicated but it really isn't easy. Makes you wonder that if it had happened by mistake would we have got off more lightly lol.

 

[kintenda]

Hon, I can see where he is coming from but it sounds *treads on thin ice* as though he is not being very receptive to your response here. There is no denying that financially & practically it may be harder to juggle things when you're on a course (depending on your situation) - but OH & I have justified it by saying that we will save beforehand & even then it is only 3 yrs for me - even less for you!
Lots of hugs for you
x

 

[lozzy21]

I had this problem with oh and found that the problem was he thought i wanted one now(which i do) and wouldent settle for anything less. When i explaned that all though i did want one now i would wait but wanted to know how long for. I had to get him in the right mood which just happend to be when he was pissed and in a great mood.

 

[cinnamum]

ok, mmmm it took us ages to finally decide on a time/date for when we ttc but we went by the wedding day/date. so we opted for july so i can fit into my wedding dress and keep it secret for the meantime and perhaps surprise everyone with the good news in the wedding speeches, we thought that would be good, and that way i can still get wasted at the hen do as well. wasn't planning on drinking on the night of the wedding so works really well, plus OH didn't know whether or not he was being made redundant.
now we know he is safe in his job as well x x x x

 

[carla15x]

We decided based on me finishing uni
&& cos it's extra time it means more money will get saved = ]

xx

 

[Hobnob]

It was kind of decided for us, in that OH finishes uni next Feb 2010. So we decided we see how things went from Dec 09 onwards, as we figured it won't matter if I'm a few month pregnant when he finishes uni.

 

[kate.m.]

We decided to start ttc based on a number of things: I need to have a fulltime job (im a teacher too- doing supply at the moment & they dont get any occupational maternity pay, so gonna get a "proper" teaching job, do the minmum time needed 2 get decent maternity, then leave after having the baby), we would like to finish decorating the house (only the bathroom and hall to go! Yey!!) and we would like one last big holiday (Florida, next year).

I basically asked him why he didnt want us to have a baby now: what is there that he still wants to do that he feels would be too difficult with a baby? And after a lot of discussions (for months he would only say "i dont know why, im just not ready". I let him know that that just depressed me as: if he didnt know why he wasnt ready, how would he know when he actually was ready?) we came up with that list. Gotta say tho "im just not ready" is the single most frustrating/annoying sentence i have ever heard in my life!!!!

 

[kyrabeth]

I also seem to be getting at the moment " i dont know, what did we decide?". Im under the impression he said yes but he can't remember lol. Men!!

 

[princess_bump]

i think its one of though things were you have to keep talking it over with OH again and see when we started ttc for maddi, we just knew it was the right time for us, and we never thought it would only take us 9months to conceive as i have pcos. now we're wtt again, and we've kind of set a date in our minds, say when maddi's 3/4, but its just a case of seeing, and there's a few things we want to do before baby no 2 xxx

 

[bunnyg82]

I am struggling to remember the initial conversation to be honest, but up until about 2 years ago, neither of us wanted kids for ages and we wanted to start TTC when we were 30 (we're both 26 now). However, all of a sudden, I just had the urge! It was like something took over and all I wanted was to be a mum! So, had a chat with hubby and he agreed that we'd try last September, but with one thing or another the time just wasn't right and so we decided to go for this September instead - as we're going away on holiday so just thought it would be a nice time to start

I really hope that you manage to talk your OH around, it is a massive decision to make, but I hope he comes round to the idea xx

 

[saharablue02]

I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way I didn't believe that there was an "urge" so to speak to have kids but OMG...there totally is. And mine has kicked in before my husbands has so part of the reason we're waiting right now...

When we first got married I thought we were going to try after a "couple years" which it has now been...but as the date gets closer and I bring up going off bcp he freaks out. He says we're too in debt right now, not ready as far as "us" goes, and he's not ready for the change/responsibility.

I argue that (yes I know I am still young) but I really wanted to be young-ish when I had kids! For sure before I was 30...but I guess we'll see...

 

[Catastrophe]

I've managed to pin OH down to discussing it seriously again in 4yrs -told him I know we can't right now but that I need to have a timeframe in mind or I'm going to go (more) nuts. In four years OH should be writing up his thesis then looking for a job so we'll have more of an idea if it's feasible. Til then he's keeping a very close watch on my pills, lol!

If it's a very emotional issue for you then maybe writing down how you feel would help. I'd be tempted to tell him if the only reason for not trying is that he is worried you will resent it then he should let you decide if you will! The question is: is that the real reason he's saying to wait or is something else worrying him now that the time has come?

*Hugs* hope you get it sorted x

 

[Samantha675]

I knew my DH was ready but I was not for a long time. I don't know but things just seemed to click for me in July 07, and so I told my DH lets go for it next month, I am ready. Of course he was out of town at the right time, but we sure got it right the next month.

 

[sarah1989]

We both sort of just knoew. I had mentioned wanting a baby and then one day he came back and said, lets try for a family... that was 14 months ago

Best of Luck!!

 

[Sparky0207]

We found it quite easy deciding when to try again. OH and his brother have a great relationship and there is 18 months between them and we wanted a similar gap. We always said as soon as Lucy gets to 9 months we'll start again which is what we're doing!