How did your OH react if this is his first?

[oaklvr]

Hey ladies, I am not 35, I'm 24, but I was curious of something. My FOB was 34 when we found out and he has since turned 35. He's been a PITA about this pregnancy. This is his first child and it seems it's more shocking to him than what you'd expect from an adult man. How did your OH react? Did it take awhile to sink in? Was he just as scared as you'd think a teenage boy would be? My FOB has left a few times and come back, like he doesn't really want this and doesn't have a choice but I think he's also curious and feels like he knows he needs to help out with his son. If your OH did have a negative reaction, what made it better for them? Did they ever come around? It's like he was comfortable with his bachelorhood, and was the guy who's parents were asked 'when is your son ever gonna settle and have kids' and maybe he liked feeling free and now he feels controlled or something? Thanks!

 

[oaklvr]

Okay, guess it's just my situation then lol.

 

[hellywelly]

I can't really compare to your situation - but I do believe that nearly all men have this 'inner boy' in them - he is most probably scared out of his wits, my hubby puts on a brave face, he is excited, anxious all of those things - not sure if this helps best of luck xxx

 

[oaklvr]

Thanks for your response. I know he likes to throw the age card at me, and seems like he can't really in this situation . I was with him for 2 years without bc, he knew the consequences as well as I, figured he was right there with me if something happened but guess he thinks he can pick and choose what suits him in life and leave the rest.

 

[Kiki09]

I think the majority of men get a bit scared, even if they planned the pregnancy with you. I know my OH is scared, partly because of our losses and partly because he is a man and they are almost bystanders at this stage, they are naturally not as involved as we are, maybe once he can feel the baby kick he will come round a bit more?

 

[oaklvr]

He hasn't even tried! My son will be here in less than 4 weeks and he's never gone to the ultrasound or anything. The last scan I didn't invite him because I didn't want to hear 'no'. We don't live together, but he was over at the time. So then I brought the pics back and told him about him, and how he looked, weighed... and offered to show him the pics and he declined. He just shakes his head. Nothing mean, just so flat and emotionless. Then I left them on the table and I thought I saw him glancing over at them before we left the house so, then I looked over and he turned his gaze somewhere else. He is mature and smart in other areas of his life, this has just been something he doesn't seem to 'get'. Especially with how it makes me feel but can't talk to him about that cause then he says I twist everything to suit myself. *sigh*

 

[jogami]

Hun maybe he will come around and maybe he won't. Some guys just aren't suited to fatherhood, and the ability to father a child doesn't really mean anything to them. But most men do turn around when they meet their babies. He could just turn around and fall hopelessly in love when he meets him You're a wonderful, strong mom and whatever the turnout you'll be there for this child no matter what, and there's precious things he'll miss out on if that's his decision x

 

[Burpy]

Hubby and I had been trying for about 6 months, we totally planned the prgnancy and he was very aware when I was ovulationg, when we were actively trying and how gutted I was when I didn't fall pregnant each month... even so, when I did test positive and showed him the results when he came in from work he quite literally took 5 paces back and stood against the kitchen wall, I think if he could have gone THROUGH the wall, he would have... He didn't speak that night or the next morning until I did another test. I kept asking him was he ok? He left for work without a word. I fretted the whole day that he wasn't happy / ready / interested and TBH, it took him about 2 weeks to actualy accept the fact.

Most men are different in how they process the "Big" things in life.... is your other child with him? Did he react the same way?

Good luck with everything hon xxxx

 

[Ruth2307]

No you're not alone. My BF is the same. He's 38 in July and has completely freaked and is insisting that I have termination. He says he's not 'ready' to be a father and thinks he'll have to 'give up too much'. He insists that it's not a real baby yet (I am 7+1) and that it's just a blob so what does it matter? It won't feel anything. It took almost 2 years for me to fall pregnant and in that time he genuinely thought and most likely hoped that it would never happen, which by his own admission is the only reason why he stayed with me. I have been accused of all manner of things, including trying to trap him, not being straight about the purpose of the herbal remedies I took, being totally selfish, not considering his feelings and being irresponsible. It has not been any secret that I wanted a child and there were times when he was ok with it and other times when he'd say nothing. Now that it's actually happened I'm seeing the real him. I had a painful HSG, Lap and Dye, Ovarian Drilling and all manner of fertility tests and scans so it's been no secret.

Yesterday I told him I'd had enough and that I do not want to see him again.

Looks like I'll be a single mum.

I am SOOOOO happy to be pregnant. It's been my life long ambition to be a mum. But I had no intention of battling by myself and bringing up a child without a father. Yesterday I had my first midwife appt and I went by myself. This isn't how I imagined it and I'm trying not to get down because I'm sure it could have an effect on the baby. I'm really scared.

 

[kosh]

aw ruth! i'm really really sorry you're going through this.
i remember you mentioning something about your BF being in shock, but i never thought it would be that bad. did he ever hint to any of this?? all the things he said are absolutely horrible.
i really feel for you, and i understand you being scared. but i also believe that if you want this baby so much, you'll be fine in the end. you need to be strong, and think what's the best for you and the baby.
i'm here whenever you want to talk

 

[oaklvr]

Thanks for the support

I guess it's just certain ones... not their age. No matter how much I wanted to believe that a 35 yr old man could take responsibility, especially when he plays the age card and all that with me..... that he doesn't care, and he's willing to leave someone 10 yrs younger whose already a single mom, and struggling, with his child to raise also. He must think it easier this way but I think in the long run he'll realize he's an ass.

Ruth, I'm really sorry to hear that. It's so shocking to have them act like they didn't understand what they were doing with you.... I mean, hell after 2+ years you'd think they'd be on the same page with us about pregnancy. If they didn't want it they should have been very clear in the beginning, and taken steps. My bf knew I would accept another child into my life. What he told me the month before I was pregnant is that he'd leave it to fate but wouldn't try for a child. I then got pregnant shortly after (we used pull out but I slipped back on him on accident but he was way too close) and then he told me a week later he wouldn't be around. HAHA. Who does something like that? If he felt that strongly should have told me years ago so I could have found a different partner. Someone to have a life with. I didn't realize he wasn't trying to be a family with me and my daughter. He's hurt her as well. He's been around for half her life..... I haven't told her that my new baby even has a dad and that he is his dad. I tried to tell her once since she had a lot of questions and she became excited and wanted him to be her dad too. I feel like I failed my kids sometimes, and I'm embarrassed because this is my second failed relationship, second baby's dad, and I'm still low-income and single working fast food. Ugh. I just feel so heartbroken. I really hope your BF comes around from the shock. Mine did a few weeks after, then we were doing better, but then he changed his mind. Then came back. Then changed his mind. Then came back. Now it seems he's changed his mind again and knows I will be having the baby soon, and didn't even respond to my message that I had heavy cramping..... I wish you well. I shouldn't let mine play games with me, so I am no longer writing him anything and child support can send him a nice letter from me haha.

 

[kosh]

please don't say you failed your kids, i'm sure you are great mum

 

[Ruth2307]

please don't say you failed your kids, i'm sure you are great mum

I agree. You sound like a loving and dedicated mother who is trying her level best. That's all any of us can do. Of course you don't get it right all the time - but who does, even when there are two parents?

Basically my BF has admitted that he isn't totally sure about me or that I would even be the one he would have chosen to have his children, if he had any at all. Very hurtful to hear and under different circumstances I would have just curled up and felt broken and defeated. But it's not just about me anymore and I have to be strong for someone else now.

I am hanging on to the fact that I am an intelligent and for the most part strong woman and am more than capable of stepping up to the challenge. It is no way going to be easy but I've never let anything get the better of me so far!

There are literally MILLIONS of women out there who raise kids singlehandedly -through choice and not through choice - and do a damn fine job. I want to be one of those women. Of course I'm scared - will I be good enough? Will I cope? How will I manage financially? Will I be able to shoulder all of the child's complex needs on my own? Questions questions questions....

I was reading a thread earlier about the long term needs like schooling and where we'll live etc. I can't even see as far as giving birth and changing my first nappy! I'm terrified of having to try and get the baby to sleep with no one to help me or if he/she is sick and I have no one to reassure me. Or even just getting the baby up the flight of stairs to the front door on my own (I live in a flat.) What will I do about childcare? I only have a tiny three-door car - the pushchair won't fit. Who'll walk my dog? How will I get all my washing dry with no garden? What happens if I get sick, you know just a cold or something? You see? More questions...some massive and others just random; my head is spinning. Perhaps it's a good job I have no symptoms yet!

The bottom line is that I don't have a choice: I'll just HAVE to cope and no matter what, I will love my baby more than anything else in the world and he/she will get the best that I can offer.

 

[mafiamom]

not this time, but with my first (we were both 34) i called and told him we were pregnant and the first words out of his mouth were " you told me it was a safe time of the month" :eyeroll:

 

[Indigo77]

ruth & oak...so sorry for what those SOBs are putting you through...they are poor excuses for men and u are better off without them...they are freaking cowardly idiot-*******s! shame on them both!

plz remember that not all men are like this....there are strong, compassionate men of character out there...that are real men....

i am so very sorry...
i know u are trying to remain calm for the baby u are carrying, so let my blood boil for u....

*******S!!!!!

 

[Indigo77]

HMMM....for the record...the stars in place of the letters were not my doing....

 

[Fallen Angel]

Ruth & Oak, I totally agree with Indigo, what a pair of spineless wankers.

They sound like the kind of men that plod through life not being true to themselves or the women they are with and it certainly sounds like you will be better off without them.

Of course, it will be a different journey on your own, but it doesn't have to be entirely on your own, there will be local groups of people you can meet for mother and toddler sessions, etc., and as for info - it's amazing the sources of info out there.

Like you're saying Ruth, take one step at a time honey, the bigger picture can be daunting without the added stress.

You both sound like you are much better off without them, be strong, for yourselves and your babies and remember, we're all here when you want a rant / laugh / info

Now where do the muppets live, I'm hormonal don't you know xx

 

[Indigo77]

Now where do the muppets live, I'm hormonal don't you know xx

wish I could join u....

give me their email addresses...want to send them this...

 

[Eviesmum]

Hi Ruth2307
I am so sorry to hear of the way the FOB is reacting.. it just goes to show that men and women are totally different emotionally. If they knew that something so precious was growing in them they would view things differently.. and do you know what.. being a single mum can have a LOT of benefits believe me.
My story is that the FOB is 15 years younger than me (he's 32) and he has been pretty vile to me in the past.. so I chose not to be in a relationship with him anymore.. why should my precious girl witness his behaviour towards her mother (my other two children's father never treated me badly and they didn't have to see such things so NO WAY is my new baby) but her father insists on seeing her so I have to let him.. most people think he's really only truly interested in her to try and keep a hold over me. I am not letting him get to me or get me down and spoil this special time.
If you really want this baby.. then you do it .. you will have loads of support here and you can do it. I will be your buddy if you want.. I went to all my appointments and scans alone.. and each one made me stronger and closer to my little girl whose now 7 weeks old and the most precious thing in the world.
Nobody wants it to be this way but do you know what.. it could be much worse.. I promise you it's not as scary as you think.. if you need to talk then I am here.
xxx

 

[Ruth2307]

Sorry I haven't responded to all of these lovely posts. I've had a very strange and emotional week and I haven't been able to focus my mind to allow me to formulate a response until now. Your kind words and pledges of support have really touched me. I never told anyone this but the termination was booked for tomorrow but needless to say I have cancelled it. I would never have done it anyway but I was in such a state last week I found myself being bullied into doing ridiculous things.

I will just have to take one day at a time and accept the fact that there will be good days and bad days.

Today was a good day: whilst walking my dog I found an 'as new' Mamas and Papas baby bath left outside of the charity shop. I wouldn't normally have done this but I decided that it had my name on it and took it home with me. It's only a little thing but it made me smile.