I have never posted in any sort of thread/forum before but have received a lot of help from reading of other women’s experience and have decided to share my experience and also something I am struggling with currently ... I apologise in advance for how long this message is:
I was with my sister and her husband when they found out she was pregnant with her first baby (she took the test in my house) and was so thrilled for them. Soon after she found out- her husband moved to a town a few hours away for his job (comes home on weekends) so my husband and I decided to move in with her to support her, and also to allow us to save for our first home. A couple of weeks before we were due to move in I found out I was pregnant (also first pregnancy) ... our babies would be born 10 weeks apart and while we were living in the same house- we were all so excited! If a little nervous about how chaotic it might be...
Both of our pregnancies proceeded smoothly enough (except for usual first trimester discomfort)... I was around constant pregnancy talk once everyone found out my sister was expecting and had to work very hard to keep my own news in when everyone was sharing stories about first trimester experiences (only immediate family knew). After first trimester had passed, we made it public that we were expecting (after reassurance from midwife and other people that it was ok to do so) - one week after telling everyone, midwife was unable to find a heartbeat (while my husband, 5.5 month pregnant sister and I sat there for 5 minutes desperately trying to hear it) so I got sent in for an emergency scan... turns out baby had stopped growing at 10 weeks but my body proceeded to grow and behave as though I were still pregnant. One week after that I had a very messy, painful and prolonged miscarriage (had to take misoprostol, went through labour like contractions for three hours and continued to bleed and have pains for 3 months afterwards despite repeated trips to the emergency room). I continued to get ‘congratulations’ from people for weeks afterwards and had to break the news to them and have also struggled a bit with wanting to talk about my own pregnancy (not necessarily miscarriage itself but all the other parts I experienced) when other people talked about it with my sister but found that when I joined in it seemed like other people would feel uncomfortable (unsure if this was my self projections or actually happening). I have found one of the most difficult things to be that I have felt like I almost need to pretend it never happened even though it seems to have been the biggest experience of my life, and it is the most promenint thought in my mind, not only because it seems to make people uncomfortable but also because I want to be happy and supportive for my sister, as well as avoiding making my husband sad (the miscarriage absolutely broke his heart as he had been ready to try for kids years before I was and was so excited to be a father).
I now have to wait 3 or more months before trying to conceive again (its been 4 months since baby stopped growing) and I am still living with my 8 month pregnant sister, throwing her baby shower in a couple of weeks, and planning on supporting her during her labour. I am so happy that she will be a mum but also quite nervous about the lack of love that I now feel for her soon-to-be baby boy (I know how selfish and cold that sounds - I already have many other nieces and nephews that I love so much but am worried that this experience might affect my feelings towards him)
I am supposed to be helping her once he is born but at this point, don’t know if I will (or want to) feel anything towards him. I haven’t been able to go near new born babies since it happened.
Also not sure if I’m going to be able to do a very good job of trying to help with a fun baby shower and participate in games etc. but don’t want her to know as I know she is already so conscious of how I feel and if I can handle everything.
Just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience of living so closely with someone expecting, and how to deal with it without clouding their experience?
Also just wanted to finally write down some of what I am feeling - maybe it will help someone else feel not so alone, if they are going through something similar
I was with my sister and her husband when they found out she was pregnant with her first baby (she took the test in my house) and was so thrilled for them. Soon after she found out- her husband moved to a town a few hours away for his job (comes home on weekends) so my husband and I decided to move in with her to support her, and also to allow us to save for our first home. A couple of weeks before we were due to move in I found out I was pregnant (also first pregnancy) ... our babies would be born 10 weeks apart and while we were living in the same house- we were all so excited! If a little nervous about how chaotic it might be...
Both of our pregnancies proceeded smoothly enough (except for usual first trimester discomfort)... I was around constant pregnancy talk once everyone found out my sister was expecting and had to work very hard to keep my own news in when everyone was sharing stories about first trimester experiences (only immediate family knew). After first trimester had passed, we made it public that we were expecting (after reassurance from midwife and other people that it was ok to do so) - one week after telling everyone, midwife was unable to find a heartbeat (while my husband, 5.5 month pregnant sister and I sat there for 5 minutes desperately trying to hear it) so I got sent in for an emergency scan... turns out baby had stopped growing at 10 weeks but my body proceeded to grow and behave as though I were still pregnant. One week after that I had a very messy, painful and prolonged miscarriage (had to take misoprostol, went through labour like contractions for three hours and continued to bleed and have pains for 3 months afterwards despite repeated trips to the emergency room). I continued to get ‘congratulations’ from people for weeks afterwards and had to break the news to them and have also struggled a bit with wanting to talk about my own pregnancy (not necessarily miscarriage itself but all the other parts I experienced) when other people talked about it with my sister but found that when I joined in it seemed like other people would feel uncomfortable (unsure if this was my self projections or actually happening). I have found one of the most difficult things to be that I have felt like I almost need to pretend it never happened even though it seems to have been the biggest experience of my life, and it is the most promenint thought in my mind, not only because it seems to make people uncomfortable but also because I want to be happy and supportive for my sister, as well as avoiding making my husband sad (the miscarriage absolutely broke his heart as he had been ready to try for kids years before I was and was so excited to be a father).
I now have to wait 3 or more months before trying to conceive again (its been 4 months since baby stopped growing) and I am still living with my 8 month pregnant sister, throwing her baby shower in a couple of weeks, and planning on supporting her during her labour. I am so happy that she will be a mum but also quite nervous about the lack of love that I now feel for her soon-to-be baby boy (I know how selfish and cold that sounds - I already have many other nieces and nephews that I love so much but am worried that this experience might affect my feelings towards him)
I am supposed to be helping her once he is born but at this point, don’t know if I will (or want to) feel anything towards him. I haven’t been able to go near new born babies since it happened.
Also not sure if I’m going to be able to do a very good job of trying to help with a fun baby shower and participate in games etc. but don’t want her to know as I know she is already so conscious of how I feel and if I can handle everything.
Just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience of living so closely with someone expecting, and how to deal with it without clouding their experience?
Also just wanted to finally write down some of what I am feeling - maybe it will help someone else feel not so alone, if they are going through something similar
