how do I help my friend get over her anxiety of leaving her baby?

[wanna_bump]

This perhaps isnt really my place, but my friend had her baby 7 months ago and has never left the child with any friends/family. Myself and another friend have become concerned that she has become anxious about leaving her, making excuses ect. Her partner is out regularly while she sits at home with the baby. I believe it is important to maintain some 'you' time, without the child as well as benefiting the child, getting used to other people and reducing the risk of separation anxiety. I have tried hinting to her but she doesnt take my points on board. How best do I support her? x

 

[Lil_Pixie]

Sorry but I think if your friend isn't ready to leave her baby that's her choice.

I get this all the time from my family - saying I need to let my son go and I'm too attached to him. No - he's MY child and I want to be with him, what's it got to do with anyone else how much time I have to myself as long as I'm happy with what I'm doing?

And personally I think seperation anxiety is a developmental thing, and nothing to do with how much time a baby spends away from his/her mummy. In fact maybe babies that are always with their mums are more secure and have less seperation anxiety? Who knows? Point is if she's happy and her child is happy, why does she need to fit into what someone else thinks is appropriate?

 

[wanna_bump]

I agree with you to a point, obv she knows what is best for her child - i appreciate that. Its my opinion that the longer she stays with him 24/7 the harder it will be for them both, even if its just an hour. Separation anxiety is of course a developmental thing but surely this can be reduced when the child knows the parent will return.

In the circumstance of my friend, I know she is beginning to feel 'left out' of social things which is what worried me in the beginning. She was very sociable now has become very insular, rarely goes out ect, myself personally dont think that is healthy.

 

[lilyanne]

Sorry but I think if your friend isn't ready to leave her baby that's her choice.

I get this all the time from my family - saying I need to let my son go and I'm too attached to him. No - he's MY child and I want to be with him, what's it got to do with anyone else how much time I have to myself as long as I'm happy with what I'm doing?

And personally I think seperation anxiety is a developmental thing, and nothing to do with how much time a baby spends away from his/her mummy. In fact maybe babies that are always with their mums are more secure and have less seperation anxiety? Who knows? Point is if she's happy and her child is happy, why does she need to fit into what someone else thinks is appropriate?

I agree

 

[LegoHouse]

Maybe she just doesn't want to leave her baby yet? I never left my daughter anywhere until she was 2, I didn't have any desire to. I will be the same with my son no doubt.

 

[Lil_Pixie]

I think if she waits to leave her baby until she's ready it'll be much easier for them
Than if she leaves her LO sooner because of outside pressure.

If she's feeling left out and wants to be involved she'll bring herself back into the loop when she's ready - I think it's important that you continue to invite her so she doeant feel forgotten, but she shouldn't be pushed into coming along xx

 

[Toms Mummy]

Priorities change when you have children... you can't just go to which ever night out/event is going on at that time, you have to make sacrafices. You friend is upset that she feels out of the loop but she has made and informed decision instead to stay with her LO.... I think that's okay!

I didn't leave my LO with anyone until he was atleast 15 months old, and even then it was just with my oh... I didn't feel the need to!

He's nearly 3 now and very well adjusted with no seperation issues x

 

[GracieGoo]

I agree with the other ladies, she will leave her child when she is good and ready and not a moment before. I don't think you can support her by saying she needs to leave her child sooner rather than later. If you want to be supportive you should understand her reasons. My priorities have changed and yes I have left my son once or twice but to be quite honest, he is my number 1 now, I have a barrel of fun with him, and my husband as a family I don't need anything in my life right now x

 

[Blah11]

i dont leave my 3 year old. its not anxiety, just personal preference & a parenting choice. Some people find me odd but i find people leabing their weeks old babies overnight odd. I think small babies need to be with their mummies and should want to be attached to them.

Leave it well alone or you'll irritate her.

 

[Emma1987]

I agree with all the other ladies. I've left LO 3 times for 2 hours each to get my hair done and that's it. My MIL is guilty of trying to push me to leave LO with her, which I'm not ready to do, but the more she pushes, the more determined I am that I'm not leaving her!!

 

[Bex84]

i have never left my lo, to be honest i have never been outgoing and when i socialise its with lo. i constantly have friends telling me to leave my baby and it annoys me. i love being with her. my dh looks after her while i have a bath in the evening and thats all the me time i need. your friend will leave her baby with someone else when she is ready. my lo is my favorate person to be with and if i went out without her i would hate it and not enjoy. maybe i feel like this as i worked with children before had lo so had limited contact with adults any how lol. everyone is different so i would let your friend be

 

[Odd Socks]

I wouldn't pressure her. If you want to spend time with her, maybe go for an evening to hers instead!

I don't have any desire to spend time away from my girls. I went back to work when bella was 8.5 months & had only been apart with her a few hours before then when OH took her out. Knowing I'd be returning to work, I didn't want to leave her before that, I wanted to spend all my time with her. She was absolutely fine when she went to the childminder.

I'm the same with Lauren, I've not left her yet & have no plans to do so. It's not unhealthy, it's just another way of doing things

xx

 

[Irish Eyes]

You can help her by visiting her more and including her on day invites when she can take her LO. My Mum was always on at me that I need to leave my LO but I don't want to! The more she goes on about it, the less chance of me leaving him!

All you'll do is annoy and patronise her, you may think time away from LO is a good thing but she obviously doesn't

 

[Button#]

I haven't left my baby yet and won't until he's at least a year old as I'm exclusively breastfeeding. Even then I don't know who I'd trust to leave him with. I agree you need to support her in her decision.

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

There's no way on earth I'll be leaving my baby anytime soon. Doesn't take a bottle. And I don't want to anyway! Several of my friendship group have babies now so we do stuff in the afternoon so everyone can come.

 

[Saphira]

To be honest, it makes me feel anxious when I feel pressured to leave my daughter with her grandma/grandpa. I know she'd be well taken care of but I don't enjoy being without her at all. I feel like my whole heart has sunken.. and I truly mean that. We left her with grandma/grandpa when she was 3 weeks old up to 6ish weeks old no more than 3-4 times for a few hours each but I really hated it. I did it mainly to make them happy but I soon realized, she's my child and I feel uncomfortable when she's not with me. At that time she was so young she slept practically the whole time anyway but now at 7 months she barely naps and is very particular. I'm with her all day everyday and know her best. I'm simply too nervous if she has a break down with grandma and can't be comforted. My husband said when they come over to visit she doesn't lose track of me and tries to make sure I'm there at all times (so I picture her searching for me the whole time I'd be away from her and that hurts me to think about ). That's where I come from on it. So, I personally wouldn't put any pressure on your friend or make her feel like it's wrong not to want to leave her baby every once in a while. When she's ready she'll leave her little one with grandma or whoever it may be, I wouldn't worry at all.

 

[Siuan]

I don't think the fact she's not left him with anyone shows she's anxious to do so.

I have no intention of leaving my LO with anyone for a long time yet to come. That isn't through anxiety, it's through the fact I see no need to!

 

[liz1985]

You could bring up leaving LO in conversation, like mention that your LO is going somewhere, then ask if she's let her LO stay any where yet or similar type of question. But it may be that she genuinely doesn't want to leave LO, I've left my LO times but compared to my friends who leave their los every week, I've done it hardly at all, they all ask me ' don't you trust anyone to have him?' but that's not it all, I know he'll be perfectly fine, I just miss him and don't want to leave him.

If she does say shed like to leave him but finds it hard, maybe suggest someone sits with LO at her own house for a short while just while she has a shower or something and build up from there x

 

[Sealgirl]

I am with my lo every single day and have been since she was born. I've experienced people being critical (particularly the in laws) and it makes me annoyed with them and more determined to do things my way, so I think you should let her be.

On the other hand, I have 4 more months off work at most and I'm dreading going from full time mum to barely there. It breaks my heart, so sometimes I think I should spend some time away from her, but like a pp said it literally hurts my heart to be away from her, so why do it until I really have to. X

 

[erikab922]

My best friend has a 4 year old and a 9 year old and has never spent a day or night without them. I left my 8 week old with my SIL (who loves my LO like crazy and is super with babies) for a night so that my husband and I could re-arrange furniture around the house to better suit how we were living/dealing with a baby. Of course I hated every second of it but I felt like I had overcome that hurdle early and I know I'm not in a rush to repeat it.