how do I help my friend get over her anxiety of leaving her baby?

[Lyo28]

To be honest I can't see how it is your business when she is ready to leave her child. I understand that you think she needs to leave him but who are you to decide!

I have left my son for a few hours with someone I trust. But it killed me and I don't like leaving him. I get it from family all the time that I need to let go- why exactly, he is my son and I don't want to leave him.

 

[Baby France]

I think its up to the parent when they are ready and you shouldn't rush.

As long as you keep inviting her, she has no reason to feel left out as she's secure in the decision she's made about staying in. I also think its a great idea for you to maybe go round and have a girly night in with her and your other friend.

If and when it does happen, you'll know that even though she'll worry, she's made the decision without being pressured from anyone.

 

[bumpbear]

I'd say keep inviting her out, but leave it up to her to decide if she wants to come or not. Just don't give up on her, otherwise when she's ready to start leaving baby, she won't have anywhere to go.

 

[wanna_bump]

Thanks for all your replies, most have been very helpful some others obv havent realised im trying to act in my friends best interests by getting advice - its my buisness as its my closest friend and shes become socially withdrawn barely even leaving the house. So Shoot me - I care!

 

[aliss]

There are some women who generally stop caring about going out alone without the baby, you change interests, rather than become socially withdrawn. Perhaps it's just a case of that. She may think, "why would I hang out with them? I'd rather just be with my baby". It's nothing personal.

If she feels overwhelmed and wants to leave but feels she can't, then perhaps that's another issue, but maybe she just isn't interested in her old social life anymore.

 

[readytotry]

Thanks for all your replies, most have been very helpful some others obv havent realised im trying to act in my friends best interests by getting advice - its my buisness as its my closest friend and shes become socially withdrawn barely even leaving the house. So Shoot me - I care!

I can see that your heart is in the right place but it really isn't your business to judge your friend's decision on this. As most of the pps have said, it is quite normal not to want to leave your child - it isn't a problem you need to fix.

Think about how you would feel if it was the other way round and your friend gave you a hard time because you were leaving your Lo.

Eta: sorry, didn't see that you were ttc.

Why can't you hang out with your kids there - why does your friend have to be socially withdrawn just because she won't leave Lo.

 

[chocolala]

My little one is 10 months, I'm no way ready to leave her and I know she wouldn't be happy if I did.

Despite your heart being in the right place, I think you'd do better to leave her to it. Your friend will leave her baby when she feels they are both ready.

 

[skc22]

I don't see how it is your business to question her parenting choices. I haven't left my LO, and if someone suggested leave her because they thought it would benefit my child, then they are wrong. Especially given the fact that you have hinted and she hasn't taken your points on board. It is her baby, and her choice to leave her LO when she feels comfortable, not when you think. Fair enough you need some 'me' time, but not everyone is like this. I have never needed to be away from my baby. Sorry, but I just think it is rude

 

[babyblog]

I am the same as you, and I find it very hard to understand women who don't/ cant leave their babies, as it's so different to who I am and i enjoy having a life outside of my family/ children but I must say I wouldn't try to get her to leave her LO. I think if she has decided she doesn't want to leave her LO then just see her as someone to see in the day with children but go out with other friends in the evening

 

[starstarstar]

I think its nice that you obviously care about your friend and I think some of the replies have been a little harsh giving that you are just trying to help, however we all leave our babies when we are ready and it seems that your friend just isnt ready yet. Its true that the more people mention to me about leaving LO the more determined I am not to. I think the best thing to do rather than getting her to leave LO is to plan things that she can bring LO to or plan more visits to her. I think this will make her feel more included and less pressured to leave LO when shes not ready x

 

[wanna_bump]

Im going to stop trying to defend what im trying to get at now as people are saying im rude, none of my buisness ect but those people have clearly missed the point im trying to make.

Yes it is her choice/her baby ect ect the fact she wont leave the child is secondary to the fact she has become withdrawn and rarely leaves her home - with or without the baby.

I came here for a bit of advice, not a barrage of abuse - you may think its nothing to do with me (which was exactly how i started the post) but first and foremost I posted to help support my friend in the best way I can.

I thought there maybe an underlying problem (again not with her leaving the child, but in a social context) but obv im wrong as clearly its perfectly normal to spend all day everyday in your house with your baby, barely seeing anyone else.

Thank you for those more constructive comment, I will take those on board.

 

[aliss]

I thought there maybe an underlying problem (again not with her leaving the child, but in a social context) but obv im wrong as clearly its perfectly normal to spend all day everyday in your house with your baby, barely seeing anyone else.

I'm like you in that I couldn't wait to have some "time away" but yeah, it IS quite normal for many mothers to want to spend all day with their babies in the house (although I'm sure almost all of them do go on walks, stores, etc). TBH I do think that is a rather rude comment, and I say that as someone who first left my son at 4 days, so I do truly understand your view - but my view is not "the right one", is it? Different things work for different women.

Maybe she senses that you are trying to push her into something she doesn't want to do and hence is starting to cut you off. You see threads here all the time of women who get upset because their friends try and push them to go out when they don't want - perhaps you are driving her away, even with your good intentions.

 

[MummytoSummer]

I didn't leave my first dd with anyone til she was 9 months old and that was only because I absolutely HAD to. It might have seemed to outsiders that I was like a hermit that didn't go anywhere but I did go for walks, go to the shops etc, I just didn't feel like going out socialising etc. I had friends come to me occasionally but to be honest I only had them over to satisfy them, I could have done without it. I liked my alone time with my baby.

I didn't have issues at all I just wanted to make the most of my time with her before I started back at work. I also didn't allow anyone to have my daughter overnight until she was 11 months old and again that was out of neccessity.

With my youngest my mum has watched her for maybe a couple of hours in total and I don't plan on letting anyone else have her until I go back to work in September.

My eldest isn't clingy at all despite me keeping her to myself for so long! In fact she's a very independent little girl.

I wouldn't say anything to your friend. She probably just wants to spend every second she can with her lo before they grow up and don't want mummy so much anymore!

X

 

[cosmosmum]

Hi
With all my children it took time for me to leave them with other people. But there can be a difference. With my first 4 i didn't want to leave them. With no.5 i can't leave him. He is 6 months old and apart from when he's been Im hospital I've not left his side. I don't leave him with his dad he'll i don't leave the room without him. My hubby was concerned so took me to the Dr. I have just been diagnosed with severe depression, severe anxiety and ptsd! All i can say is don't push her to leave the baby. My other half/mother etc are always on about me leaving him. It makes it worse!

 

[summer rain]

I have a friend like this who had kids before me and while at first I thought it meant there was something wrong with her, now I've been in that position myself I realise it doesn't necessarily indicate a problem. I've known some women with post natal anxiety or depression who have displayed the complete opposite, they want to be as far away from their babies and children as possible and will do their utmost to be out socialising in a scenario where they don't have to be one on one with their kids, yet when faced with someone like that most people wouldn't assume there's a problem. I have become a lot more insular since having kids, but truth be told the only reason I was a social butterfly before was because I used to get extremely anxious and have panic attacks when stuck at home, especially when I lived on my own for a time. Then there was one occasion where I was unwell and off work and unable to go out, and I felt trapped and ended up having a breakdown. Now I enjoy my own company and that of my kids and don't suffer from anxiety anymore and I'm happier at home, a few years ago I was suffering from mild depression and dark thoughts and the local mental health team got involved. Immediately they fixated on the fact I don't go out a lot and am not into baby groups etc as a sign that something more sinister was wrong, when it wasn't. I went on anti depressants and felt great and my depression and dark thoughts dissipated away but when the woman from the mental health team phoned again she said I should up my medication because I clearly wasn't better as I hadnt become a social butterfly like I apparently should have. I said I took her advice on board but she was wrong. I was actually fine. My boys get many more opportunities to socialise than I did growing up but one of them already takes after me as he prefers to stay home, in fact as a baby one of his first phrases was 'I want to go home' I'm not concerned as that's just his personality xx

 

[jenniferttc1]

I would just let her leave when she is comfortable. I'm in the middle. I don't understand moms leaving their LO in early weeks for a night, but I also don't understand how some women can go years without leaving the baby at home for a few hours, I would go nuts and he's not even 6 months yet. I can't wait till he can stay at grandmas for a night in a few years. But there are different kinds of people. I happen to be the kind that likes adult and alone time. But still not near ready leaving him for more than w hours for dinner

 

[Larkspur]

Wanna_bump, I believe you that your heart is in the right place, but also don't think other people have necessarily missed the point.

It's a really individual thing how comfortable new mothers are with leaving their babies, and unless your friend seems worried about how little she goes out and how much time she spends with her baby, I don't know that it is your place to tell her that she 'should' do things differently. Personally, I don't think there's a big risk of creating separation anxiety in infants by spending 'too much' time with them, but one way or another, that's your friend's decision to make, and if she's happy, then it doesn't mean she's wrong or bad if she chooses not to 'take your points on board'.

With that said, maybe the most supportive thing to do is not to drop hints that she 'should' go out more/leave her baby with other people/have 'me' time, but just to talk to her directly as a friend. You could try saying that you notice she doesn't go out very much at all and that she seems anxious about leaving her baby with others and ask her if she feels that's a problem for her - if she feels pressure to be with her baby all the time, or that she can't trust other people, or if she feels she needs a break but can't take one for some reason - or whether she's just really loving being with her baby and has lost interest in doing some of the things she used to.

Then, as a friend, do her the respect of listening to and believing her answer, and go from there.