How do you all deal with FOB??

[jocelynmarie]

Ok, so I know that a lot of ladies have FOB's that aren't around... I don't want this to sound completely bitchy, but I'm sure it will anyways... so here goes...

I'm lucky enough to have an FOB that wants to be there for his son.. he wants a relationship with him, and is going to help support him financially... but here is my dilema....

He lives in England, and I'm in the states. And while I respect that he wants to be in his sons life, and I would never prevent THEM from having a relationship, I can't stand him. I can barely stomach dealing with him now through out the pregnancy. He thinks that we need to have this relationship, and I thoroughly disagree. I've said I will email him pictures and updates and when he visits I will do what I can within reason to give them bonding time.

He's always going on and on about how we have to work together, and blah blah blah. I don't see what we have to do together or his need for a relationship. We are not together, we are never going to be together. I will be civil to him when need be for the sake of my son. But I am the mother with sole custody. I will not be told how to raise my child. He will be around maybe twice a year?

Do I sound unreasonable?

 

[anthonyD]

I think aslong as you are both civil to each other and as your son grows up he can see no bad blood between his mum and dad then your son will be happy.
Your son will know he has a loving Daddy, abeit on the other side of the world

 

[JA1988]

I would give anything to have an FOB wanting to be civil. I always want to just give him a call and tell him what lo is up to or the newest thing lo has done but fob is rude, abusive and has no respect for me at all. Any conversations we have he ends up shouting or swearing and we just cant get along. He wants to be in lo's life but doesn't want me around. I would just try and be as civil as you can for your lo's sake.

 

[xSophieBx]

Me & FOB can't be civil. I told him enough times to focus on LO and leave me alone as all he went on about was us(he was emotionally abusive and a control freak) So now we have no contact at all and everythings going through solicitors. Shame that we can't be amicable but I've tried and I've ended up with PND and severe anxiety thanks to him so I don't think we can ever be friends.. which is upsetting for LO.

He also wants this 'joint parental responsibility' but is refusing to pay maintenance(quit his job when CSA took payments off him and I've found out that his now working again but not declared it) So basically his a total joke.

If his willing to be amicable I would advise trying to be friends for LO's sake as it will be easier for u when he gets unsupervised contact... Although I don't see how thats gonna work with him being in a diff country!

 

[laurajane1982]

I completely know how you feel! I want nothing and I mean nothing to
do with my ex, the thought of having to see him once a week
when the baby arrives really does make me feel sick! He bangs on about us raising a child together and making decisions together and I can't even imagine uttering one word to him let alone all that! I'll never stop him seeing my little man as I want my son to have a dad but unfortunately it's not going to be with us being friends in anyway shape
or form! I found out he was cheating on me from start to finish of our relationship even when I was at the depths of depression at the beginning of this pregnancy with someone who I was turning to for support and who I thought was a good friend and for that reason I will never get on with him and neither will my family, sorry turned into a bit of a rant!!

 

[jocelynmarie]

See the thing is I will be civil for the sake of my son. It is my duty as a mother to make sure that everything in his life is the best I can give him.... sadly thats not his father

Being civil... and getting 20+ emails in a row because I was away from the computer and didn't answer his question of if an ugly little outfit came for the LO are two completely different things. I feel constantly harassed by him, and thank GOD he is halfway across the world or I can forsee things getting very ugly.

Last night he broke the final straw, telling me that I wasn't thinking of my childs best interest because I couldn't be civil to him (I snapped when I seen the 20+ emails and said things that maybe didn't need to be said). We had our financial agreement and visitation and everything worked out, but at this point, I think that the courts are the only solution... I won't fight him having visitation arrangements made through the court, but its very obvious that things can't be worked out amicably between the two of us which is a shame.

I've warned him several times that I will not be harassed and if he continued to do so, then communication between the two of us would be cut off and he would have to go through the courts for visitation to see his son. He tells me I'm being selfish, says that he's not harassing me (I've kept all the emails... even the ones that don't put me in my best light), and continues on with the same exact behavior. So last night I told him I'm not responding to anymore emails... I'm days/weeks away from giving birth and I won't deal with it anymore. His response is... look forward to hearing about your dr appt this week. AHHHHHHHHHH I just want to scream!!!!!

 

[Mommi2Be]

Sounds like my FOB! He's a complete idiot and a two-faced liar, and has everyone believing he's some saint and will be such a wonderful daddy... nevermind the fact that he has anger problems, drinks too much, hasn't done anything for the baby while I've been pregnant, and pretty much thinks once the baby is here he will be able to do absolutely anything he wants.

 

[laurajane1982]

Mine does too, he actually thought he was going to come round everyday for two weeks when the baby arrives, I think not!!!

 

[sie35]

sorry love but going through the family courts for 2 years its attitudes like yours that are causing a right mess your mum you have the power your childs needs and whats best for them are what you decided they are i dont wont to upset you or seem like im having a go but why cant your child have a choice in weather there allowed a relationship with there dad? im shure your a good mum and its the sexist attitudes encoraging women to behave like this your deciding what your son wonts do you think he will thank you for this when hes older trouble is its easy to fool yourself its what they wont when they will tell you what you wont to hear dads arnt old toys im sorry that sounds really harsh what hes done to you sounds bad but you havent said what hes done to his son to justify removing him from his sons life

 

[jocelynmarie]

sorry love but going through the family courts for 2 years its attitudes like yours that are causing a right mess your mum you have the power your childs needs and whats best for them are what you decided they are i dont wont to upset you or seem like im having a go but why cant your child have a choice in weather there allowed a relationship with there dad? im shure your a good mum and its the sexist attitudes encoraging women to behave like this your deciding what your son wonts do you think he will thank you for this when hes older trouble is its easy to fool yourself its what they wont when they will tell you what you wont to hear dads arnt old toys im sorry that sounds really harsh what hes done to you sounds bad but you havent said what hes done to his son to justify removing him from his sons life

My son has not yet been born...

I'm not deciding for my son to not have his father in his life to be clear, I'm deciding I don't want his father in MY life. I tried to do things with out going through the courts, but when everything turns into a fight and I am getting constantly harassed, there is no alternative. I do not feel that I have a sexist attitude in the slightest, and while I will do everything in my power to make sure that my son has the best life he can have. I don't think that requires me to put myself in extremely uncomfortable situations with a man that feels like he can control me. I don't think its the slightest bit sexist for me to stand up for myself.

 

[jocelynmarie]

Mine does too, he actually thought he was going to come round everyday for two weeks when the baby arrives, I think not!!!

My FOB thought he could STAY AT MY HOUSE!!! I had settled on 2 hours every other day that he is here. And even that seems like a lot to me, but after this, I'm not sure what to do.

I have a couple more weeks to decide I suppose. He's coming in from England but I've warned him over and over and over that if the behavior continued then all agreements were off. I don't want to seem like I don't stick by my word if I cave in, but what would I tell my son if he found that his dad wasn't allowed to see him for so many months after he was born?!

 

[laurajane1982]

They really do think they can do what they want when they want!! My mum is doing all the visits at the beginning as I cannot bear to see him even for a few minutes! My family can't stand him I can't stand him so things are not going to be easy! I can't even tell him when I'm in labour as he'll turn up at the hospital sticking his ore in! He is a complete control freak too, when we were together and wbt out for a meal with my family he even told me to sit up straight at the table like I was a two year old! There is going to be a strict visitation plan in place when the baby arrives as it's the only way I feel that it will work, it's a horrible situation to be in but like you said I DO NOT want him in my life only my sons but he seems to think we I need him in my life!