How do you deal with disappointment every month? Needing some positivity right now.

[kjs1]

We have been ttc for over 2 years now and here I am another bfn. Every single month it is hard to see that and I have tried everything to make it not feel so painful. Distractions, trips, social events, massages, buying myself flowers, talking to a friend, just LETTING myself scream, cry and rant. I would really like to move towards mindful acceptance of my feelings without letting them control me and ruin my week. Today I was 3 hours late for work and feel like I am walking around in a fog. My husband doesn't understand how every month I am so devastated when I know chances are slim. He tries but doesn't get it and I get frustrated often when trying to explain it to him. It usually makes me feel worse and misunderstood. We also were going to do a 3rd IUI next cycle but due to travel and some work trainings I have we have to wait another cycle. How do you guys manage each month. Do you feel this freshly upset every month too? I guess I am just searching for others to say I am not crazy and strategies for coping.

Thank you.

 

[KatO79]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was in a similar situation just a couple of years ago. DH and I tried for 1 year naturally then we moved onto IUI after finding out we had unexplained infertility. Did 3 rounds with injectables but none worked so we were put on the waiting list at a hospital for IVF (live in Denmark so system is different here). In the meantime did 3 more IUIs with injectables but got a BFN every time. A few months later we did IVF. The first round was a CP but for the 2nd IVF I got pregnant and have a now 1 year old son. It took us almost 2½ years in total.

I think the best course of action for me was to not count on getting my BFP each time and just see what happens. It did make my BFNs a bit easier to swallow and I was able to keep myself relatively positive for the next rounds/cycles. I think the only time after I started trying to just take things as they come that I got really super upset was when I was told the first IVF worked but it was a CP and I'd lose it soon I'm sure everyone has their own way of dealing with infertility and it's finding out what works for you. You could try taking things as they come, enjoy all the good/positive things you do have and see if it helps you?

FXed for you and hope your BFP happens soon

 

[kjs1]

Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate hearing your story and co granulation son your son

 

[brandi91]

Hello! I feel for you.

My husband and I have been TTC for almost 3 years. I have PCOS, so we knew we would have a difficult time, but it still has been the most painful and difficult thing that I've ever experienced. We haven't done IUI or IVF, but I've done all of the oral medications and haven't had any response to them, so those are our next steps. Due to the money, we just haven't moved forward with the other options. The pain comes and goes for me. Sometimes I can almost convince myself that it's good that I don't have a child right this moment for other reasons (busy with work, my dog is rambunctious and a handful, etc). The reality is that those are just things that I tell myself. The heartache is always there. I just put a band-aid on it sometimes.

The disappointment is normal. My husband doesn't really understand it, either. I think that the disappointment happens differently for them. To keep myself sane, I just try to preoccupy myself with work, honestly. I am a teacher and I really love my job, so that helps me a bit. I'll be praying for you.

 

[MKaykes]

I wish I had good advice for you! I have found with time it gets a little easier. Once we decided on IVF, I still had that little bit of hope we'd be surprised with a natural BFP, but I have gotten realistic that that most likely isn't going to happen. Like Kat said, not expecting a BFP, but expecting it to be a BFN I find helps. Also, holding off on testing until AF is late, I found I gained nothing by getting BFNs at 12 dpo, because I still thought there may be a chance.

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one whose DH doesn't experience the same devastation I feel. I know he wants it as bad as I do, but I truly think he believes it'll happen, where I'm expecting the worst.

I also give myself a day to be sad, cry and get angry, then I can carry on.

 

[HopeBT]

Very sorry to hear your struggles hun
Infertility really really sucks, and staring at all those BFNs, probably one of the hardest thing I have experienced.
We also struggled for 2.5 years with unexplained, went through 4 IUIs, and I couldn`t agree with you more about how men and women feel differently about infertility. I knew DH really wanted a baby, but he was not the one to face AF and BFN month after month.
What really helped me to get through the disappointment was focusing on things that I am able to do when I dont have a kid (like travelling, being carefree etc). It sounds cheesy, but focusing on the positive side of being childless really helped. But then again, pain was always there but just not as strong.
One more thing that I am glad that we did was, going for IVF instead of waiting to conceive naturally. I know that it can be very expensive or not available to everyone, but if the conditions are right for you, I would definitely suggest for you to try. Both DH and I felt that we will/should be able to conceive naturally and didn`t wanna admit our defeat in the beginning, but I came to a point where I cannot face another BFN.
In any case, giving yourself a day of grief/anger/disappointment and acknowledging your emotions was a much better way to deal with it instead of denying what I am feeling
Big hugs xxxx

 

[kjs1]

I really appreciate all of your responses!! I didn’t get an email alert than anyone responded so I apologize for the delay in writing back. It means a lot to me that you all took the time to share your experience with me and it truly helps to know I am not alone in how I feel. I’ve heard a lot of people say, just go to ivf. But we really can’t afford it and insurance doesn’t cover any of it. So I feel like another iui is really our only option and odds aren’t great. We literally have nothing “wrong” with us so I keep having that hope every month of an unexpected bfp. I guess that is naive but it is just so hard struggling with unexplained infertility bc theoretically, everything is working fine. I’m going to take prometrium again in the two this month and it is the last natural cycle before we go back to iui so of course I am having that hope again of a spontaneous conception. AND it would be right at Christmas so the perfectness of that is in my mind at all times. I know I need to let it go but I can’t !!! I keep imaging how I would tell my family and friends and then it sneaks in my mind that I may never get to do that. It is so hard dealing with all the emotions!

 

[Robynxo]

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggle.

I couldn't compare, but I have been NTNP with on and off TTC since 2014. There were times when I really thought that "this was it" and there were times when the months flew by without me putting much thought into it. Sometimes I would convince myself I didn't want a baby right now, and that's when I wouldn't track and wouldn't worry. The whole "relaxing" instead of TTC did not work for me. I started getting worried last December that it would never happen for me. It had finally hit me this past cycle that it had been 3-4 years of regular DTDing with my SO and I had not had one BFP. I am still young, so maybe that's why I've been able to push it away, thinking "it will happen." I have PCOS and if I don't get a BFP before the summer, I am starting at a Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor and acupuncturist before I hit the more serious stuff. I would like to solve any underlying issues anyway, and I really love Chinese medicine. So, this was a good path for me.

But looking at those BFNs, like Hope said, it's such a disappointing feeling. What is wrong with me? Why can't my body do as it's supposed to? I started looking at my lifestyle and my past, trying to put the blame on something that I did. DH doesn't get it, he's pretty relaxed on the whole subject. Sometimes, it's like he isn't swayed by it. He just denies that there is anything wrong with me, which honestly, doesn't help.

Anyway, sorry for blabbering about myself. Just know that I'm thinking of you this holiday season, and wishing you get to hold that precious baby sometime soon.

 

[2have4kids]

Hi therr, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. We tried for 6 years to get pregnant. After 6 minths of ttc I knew something was wrong so we got a full fertility work-up and his numbers were great while my ovaries looked pre-menopausal at 34. They said go straight to IVF and don’t waste time mucking about. So I tried supplements, tried iui, did 3 different kinds if ivf and after the last one on the max amount of gonadotropins they could give me, they did an ultrasound and told me my eggs actually shrank. I just about died. So then we went to Czech republic where they’ve been doing ivf for 20 years and have one of the worlds largest donor pools and I got pregnant with twins. I mc’d one at 5 weeks and the other had died at the 8 week mark shown on my 12 week check up. I had a d&c and it was tested. I also
k n e w there was more wrong so I sent our bloodwork off to Dr Beers clinic in Ca. They found 2 serious clotting factors that my local clinic didn’t even test for in their mc blood work up. And they sent us to a doctor that did some immune treatments so that I wouldn’t react to DH’s blood. Very much like allergy desensitization they take his white blood cells and inject them and then keep doing it until you have no reaction. The hives I got in the initial treatment were horrific! Then on the second round there was barely a reaction. I got pregnant 6 months later naturally. Then I didn’t want to wait for natural siblings so I went back to Czech republic and had perfect hatching AA blast and expanded AA blast put back and we now have twins too. Three girls. They all are so beautiful, we were super lucky with the entire process.
But if you ask me how I handled the failure each month ...I got mad and attacked the problem with more and more reading, and action. Every failure made me hotter under the collar and made me fight harder to get what I wanted. My local doctors told me they don’t believe in reproductive immune issues for unexplained infertility and mc. When I got pregnant 6 months later I went back to see my local fs and told her it’s unfortunate that Csnadian doctors are so in the dark about other health issues effecting fertility. Ivf and iui are only one side of a much larger problem. With clotting issues the embryo can’t even connect simply giving you a bfn every month OR if you do get semi-implantation clots form making it impossible for it to burrow in & nurish. I don’t think many women struggling with unexplained infertility look into immune issues. There’s a whole ‘nother world out there holding so many back from success. I would say start reading rather than getting sad, shopping, numbing out your pain. If you fight hard enough you will get your baby. We were just jumping through the adoption hoops when our natural pregnancy came. Either way, there was no way on this green earth that I was going to grow old without children at my dinner table. And now I’m eyeballs high in dirty diapers
Never give up.

 

[MrsGLonghorn]

The heartache is always there. I just put a band-aid on it sometimes.

This. So true.

We've been trying for #1 for over two years. We've never seen even a hint of a BFP. We haven't tried IUI or IVF yet, but I think I want to ask for an IUI next cycle, just to feel like I'm doing SOMETHING. Right now we're still trying oral meds, but they don't seem to be doing any good.

The heartache of infertility is always there - sometimes it is lessened by distractions, such as fun trips or household projects. And sometimes it is lessened by the glimmer of hope of starting a new fertility med/treatment for a cycle. But even those times, the times when the "band-aid is on", it doesn't stop that dull, painful throbbing I feel in my heart every time I'm out in public and pass a pregnant lady with a toddler in tow, or when I visit my pregnant friend, or hold the baby of a family member.

You're not crazy, or alone, in feeling this way, month after month. I'm pretty sure most of us on this forum can relate to exactly how that feels.

I'm always disappointed and in a depressed funk for a day or two once my early spotting starts, then again once AF actually shows up (I always seem to convince myself that maybe, MAYBE this time it's actually IB - but no, never), but most the time I can rally after a day or so. Recently, the worst months seems to be the medicated ones, not because of the extra hormones, but because it starts to get my hopes up since I'm trying something different. After my first round of clomid failed in early October, I lost it bad and cried off and on for about 3 days. That's actually when I finally told my mom and MIL the extent of what was going on - I just couldn't carry the burden by myself anymore.

I took my mom's advice and took two cycles off after that, just to chill out a little and stop thinking about it so much. I was still disappointed when AF showed, but it didn't send me into the normal tailspin of depression and anger. This cycle was another medicated cycle, and the spotting has already shown up, even earlier than normal, and I'm back to a severe crash and burn reaction. Hopefully I can put on my big girl pants and pull myself together in time to still enjoy Christmas.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this terrible, painful roller coaster every month, but remember you are not alone and there is still hope!

 

[SunnyBe]

I completely get feeling depressed month after month! We tried to conceive naturally for a year and after that jumped straight to IVF (cycle number 13).

No, insurance doesn't cover it and it's sooo expensive to do it over here in the US, so we went abroad for treatment last month. IVF comes with its own sets of (psychological) challenges though, as your chance to conceive suddenly goes from 5% to almost 50%. It's hard to keep expectations low when you have a 10-fold increase in the chance of it working.

For me, it helps to plan ahead or trying something different. So with trying naturally, we added different vitamins in the mix, tried Preseed... things like that.

 

[kjs1]

Thank you guys so much for these thoughtful replies and sharing your stories with me!! I'm sorry I haven't responded earlier! I set the 'subscribe to thread" but never got email alerts. I don't know why. I even checked my spam folder....

Anyway, it is very encouraging to read your stories and hear your perspectives on how to keep going. All of you are so strong and it is very inspiring to me. We are doing our 3rd IUI any day now and I am not feeling hopeful. I want to, but just can't today.

2have4kids, I am very intrigued by your immunology testing. I have an autoimmune disease (in remission) so I have always wondered if it contributes to our lack of a bfp. I've asked both my GI and RE and they say no women with my level of ulcerative colitis conceive at the same rates as women without. However, I am still curious about immunological testing and asked my RE but she said there is a lack of scientific evidence based research for it. So nothing to test me for in the US. But i feel like that is BS!! In other countries they are testing for NK cells, etc. I can't afford to take off work and go do this in other countries though. So, not sure how to proceed with this really.

 

[2have4kids]

Thank you guys so much for these thoughtful replies and sharing your stories with me!! I'm sorry I haven't responded earlier! I set the 'subscribe to thread" but never got email alerts. I don't know why. I even checked my spam folder....

Anyway, it is very encouraging to read your stories and hear your perspectives on how to keep going. All of you are so strong and it is very inspiring to me. We are doing our 3rd IUI any day now and I am not feeling hopeful. I want to, but just can't today.

2have4kids, I am very intrigued by your immunology testing. I have an autoimmune disease (in remission) so I have always wondered if it contributes to our lack of a bfp. I've asked both my GI and RE and they say no women with my level of ulcerative colitis conceive at the same rates as women without. However, I am still curious about immunological testing and asked my RE but she said there is a lack of scientific evidence based research for it. So nothing to test me for in the US. But i feel like that is BS!! In other countries they are testing for NK cells, etc. I can't afford to take off work and go do this in other countries though. So, not sure how to proceed with this really.

I was in the same boat in Canada, they simply don’t believe that autoimmune problems can effect fertility. It’s ridiculous. Have a thorough read over of the Dr Beers website in California. All we did was submit our forms, pay the fees, get the bloods done by a local lab and gave then the requisition forms from the Dr Beers clinic. The bloods were sent over night ($40) abd in about 3 weeks we had a written report and diagnosis of 3 major concerns. We did white blood cell treatment twice and I can give you the details if you ever need that if somehow your immune system is found to be rejecting everything (I can’t remember the proper name if it but basically I have an overactive immune system and what they do is very much like lessening severe allergy reactions by exposure). And the two clotting issues. Once I had dealt with those we concieved naturally and I had no more m/c’s. You do need to read alot on the studies, if a doctor is telling you immunes have nothing to do with it I’d look at Britains system. They are a public system and if they treat for something there’s very likely something backing it. Here’s a website full of NHS funded studies and the doc Beers site. Don’t be put off that the studies in the second link are all around miscarriage. It talks about fertility, loss, failure to implant, the gammut. It’s important to read as much as you can about fertility, and how you’re effecting your fertility through lifestyle (inflammation is the big problem for those of us with immune issues).

https://www.repro-med.net

https://sites.google.com/site/miscarriageresearch/supplements-and-miscarriage

 

[kjs1]

Thank you a million times over for this useful information and the links!! I really appreciate it. We just did our 3rd IUI this morning and everything went perfectly. My husband's count was way higher this time at 64 million when the two times before it was 22 mil and 7 mil. So this is encouraging. In the meantime I am going to start reading through some of the suggested readings. I live in Los Angeles and did not know Dr. Beers clinic is in California. I am definitely going to look into immunological issues if this IUI doesn't work. I've also begun researching acupuncture for inflammation and may take a break from RE to try that. Or use it in conjunction with treatment.

Again, thank you very much for the helpful information!!!

 

[2have4kids]

Wishing you a whole lot of baby dust!
Just remember as well, if you can’t afford treatments in the States, they’ve practically invented ivf in the Czech republic 20 years ago. Reprofit has super high rates of success and very low prices and Zlin has a gorgeous facility with accommodations & spa attached to the clinic. There are always different options. But first figure out what’s going on. You will succeed!

 

[SunnyBe]

@2have4kids Yup, that's exactly what we did (albeit a different clinic in the Czech Republic). We spent less on the whole treatment, including meds and travel than we would have paid for just the meds in the US.

 

[red_head]

Hope you don’t mind me weighing in - I’ve been ttc for 4 years, currently 9 weeks with my fourth pregnancy, but this will be our first child (hopefully) as the others left before 7 weeks each time. I’ve also been under investigation for crohns/ulcerated colitis recently too, and I have pcos (although this is in remission for the last year and a half), so we’re in a similar situation.
I found I have been so depressed with this whole process, really struggling at times. I was a pcos addict which I think was really unhelpful, so if you can try and avoid that habit! I found knowing a plan was really helpful, a few months in advance each time, and then a broader idea of what would happen at the end of that, so at least it felt things were moving in the right direction. I also quit social media completely (probably why I’m on here so much!) as it was too hard seeing all the babies and announcements! Even so, we had given up and decided to take a year break as I had had too much and couldn’t take anymore and the first month after deciding that we got our bfp!
On a different note, have you tried going gluten free? I know it sounds ridiculous but a couple months before I got pregnant with this one I stopped eating it because of the colitis at the recommendation of my doctor - after I fell pregnant my fertility doctor mentioned that may have contributed as it causes inflammation in the body which your immune system fights (I think that’s what he said), especially Wilburn you have gastro issues anyway, which can make it hard to get or stay pregnant. Even if this pregnancy isn’t successful it’s the longest lasting one and my lab results have all come back better by a large margin so I do think it may have helped. Id have tried it years ago if I’d have known!
Good luck with your iui

 

[kjs1]

I’m so glad you weighed in! Thank you for the encouragement and suggestions! I agree with you about social media. I actually just deleted my Facebook app earlier this week. It has helped so far. I’ve had a gluten tolerance test before and it was negative. However I agree with you that gluten and sugar cause inflammation and that is not good for us with inflammation conditions. I’ve cut out a lot of gluten and sugar but not all actually. Im on the lowest remission maintenance for my UC and it’s safe to take in pregnancy. So I’m feeling healthy. But could use to lose about seven to ten pounds probably. I really hope this pregnancy sticks for you. I went over and read some of your journal and you are very very strong. I’m very inspired by your tenacity and will be checking in to see how you are doing. Hoping this is the dream for you!

 

[red_head]

My tolerance was fine too! Just one of those weird things! I’m going to try cutting out sugar too as I didn’t realise that could help my stomach I don’t eat a lot of it but anything is worth trying.
Thank you for your lovely thoughts - hope you get your BFP soon too x

 

[2have4kids]

I spent 4 years with a perfect diet, lost 60+ pounds when my nurse bff told me I might not respond to ivf drugs and might be struggling to have hormones work with extra fat on me (was a bmi of 30) and experimenting with all sorts of supplements. While it’s very much worth getting to a normal bmi and reducing inflammation by eating well, if you still can’t concieve you really should be tested for immune problems. Get to the root of the problem & don’t waste time. We have a small window to do all these things (I mean it took me a whole year to lose that weight and then at least I started getting bfp’s now and then but they always ended in chemicals or mc (3 in total). Don’t get bogged down in smaller things when it may be something bigger you need to tackle!