How do you deal with it?

[hopingforit]

I know some of you ladies have been LTTTC for years and years. I am only at 17 months since AF just showed. I feel like crying. I've never cried over it mainly because my DH makes me feel like it would be silly to do so. He says "it will happen when it's meant to happen" I'm sure most of you have heard that at one point or another but I hear it every single month. It makes me feel like he's saying I'm not meant to have a baby yet and makes me think "why me"? I actually went off on him today and told him to leave me alone and that he was insensitive. I feel bad about this but I can't help myself. I've started to get questions from family though. My mother knows the issues and other than DH and Drs, she is the only one. It was an awkward moment at Thanksgiving when I was asked when we are going to have a baby. See, we just got married in September and people think as soon as you get married you should have a baby. They don't know we've been trying for quite some time. Bless my mother, she tried to change the conversation but then my dad comes out with "even if she was she wouldn't tell us". I felt like crying then too but I had to put on a smile and say "I'm not. I'll go POAS right now if you want me to" My sister and cousin always ask when we are going to add a little one. How do you deal with constantly being asked yet not being able to say anything? My DH says I should not be ashamed to tell people. Just say "we're trying and it's not happening" or something like that. I don't want people to know that I can't get pregnant. It's very personal. I only told my mother because she kept asking all the time and I couldn't deal with it anymore. My father is coming for a visit in a few weeks and I don't know if I should tell him about it. What do you think? He has no idea that we are having difficulties and I will probably have to go to the Dr while he is here anyway as we are getting our new insurance (we were without for a few months due to it being so expensive but now DH got a new job and is getting new insurance). I can't wait to get the testing started so we can figure out why I'm not getting pregnant. But, if anyone can give me advice on how they deal with these situations or what I should do in these situations, that would be great. I am just getting so depressed and I get moody for a few days once AF comes...which was today...so DH won't be happy if he tries to be insensitive the next few days.

and lots and lots of to all of you!!!!

 

[Bambi86]

Hey Hun

Sorry your feeling so down. My DH is the same he is always saying it will happen when it's ment to! Why isn't it ment to happen now??? Sometimes I don't think they understand how hard it is for us! We have been trying for 3 years and also get constant questioning from people. I am open about it and say we have been trying but it's just not happening. It's actually surprising when you talk about it with people how many people have fertility issues. If you don't feel comfortable talking about it and telling people then you shouldn't, it's something incredibly personal between you and DH. For a long time when people asked I said we are happy as we are. Hopefully you can start and get some tests done and see what's going on. Hope this helps a little x x

 

[hopingforit]

Hey Hun

Sorry your feeling so down. My DH is the same he is always saying it will happen when it's ment to! Why isn't it ment to happen now??? Sometimes I don't think they understand how hard it is for us! We have been trying for 3 years and also get constant questioning from people. I am open about it and say we have been trying but it's just not happening. It's actually surprising when you talk about it with people how many people have fertility issues. If you don't feel comfortable talking about it and telling people then you shouldn't, it's something incredibly personal between you and DH. For a long time when people asked I said we are happy as we are. Hopefully you can start and get some tests done and see what's going on. Hope this helps a little x x

Thank you for your reply. I always think why isn't it meant to happen now. To top it off, my husband had me get an astrology chart reading and he said I wouldn't have a kid until 2015. I don't believe that but sometimes it just sticks in the back of my head like...what if that's true? I tried the "we are happy as we are" thing with several people including my mother. She made me feel guilty asking why I don't just give her grandchildren (she already has one from my sister) so I just broke down and told her and begged her not to say that to me again. She was so sorry and now doesn't even mention it. I've always been a very private person and just think that people should respect that but they are just all curious. Hopefully you get your BFP soon. Lots of to you!

 

[No Doubt]

Hopingforit I think you're right, at some point or another we have all heard "it will happen when it's meant to happen" and we know people don't mean to be insensitive and looking from the outside in they're not, but looking from the inside out it feels insensitive because it's not what we want to hear. We want to hear "you're pregnant", or at least see a BFP. We have been ttc for 18 cycles now and my husband used to say that to me all the time. I finally blew up one day too and after the blow up and us talking I realized that he does care just as much as me, and he is hurt just as much as I am every month when it doesn't happen. So don't feel like your DH is trying to be insensitive cause he cares just as much as you do, but he's a man and they feel differently than we do. He probably feels like he has to be there for you and keep you happy and protect you, and the best he can do in that moment is say "it will happen...". I would just talk to your husband and tell him how you feel about it and why you were so upset and explain to him what you want during that time if it doesn't happen in the future. I found that I just needed to cry for a morning in silence. It was ok if my husband was there to hold me, but I just didn't want him to say anything, cause while he tried to uplift my spirits, it wasn't what I wanted to hear (or see) so it wasw best to just not say anything. That works for us and I've found that I can snap back to reality if you will a bit quicker, because I don't have the "insensitive" comment and I was able release all of the sadness in my own time and way.
As far as telling people, do whatever you feel comfortable with. I talk to people about it, mainly my female friends because they can relate, and it does make me feel better to know that I have a support system, and to know that there are others out there who are going through or have went through the same thing. It's easier sometimes for me to talk to them about it than my husband because women can be more "sensitive". You have to ustilize those around you as best you can, and if you want to keep it just between you, your DH, Dr, and mom that's fine as well.
If you don't want to tell your dad then don't, but do you think there is a chance that your mom already told him and he may just be acting like he doesn't know yet? Either way again it's your choice and what you feel comfortable with.
I hope everything works out with the doctor's. We are finally going to see a specialist in 2 weeks if I'm not preggo which we are excited but nervous about, so when having your tests done try not to get to nervous and don't go in there thinking it's you. For so long my husband and I thought it was me because I have PCOS and an underactive thyroid. We went through 3 rounds of chlomid before I had to have and HSG to see if my tubes were blocked. My O numbers were always good, my tubs were open, my egg reserve is normal, other than being a little overweight I pretty healthy and actually losing weight. At the same time my husband had a SA done and come to find out he has low sperm count. Not wishing anything on your husband, but in 30% of infertility cases it's the woman and in another 30% it's the man. In other words there is a 50/50 chance it you and a 50/50 chance it is him. So I will say to you what my mother said to me, until someone tells you different don't think that you can't get preggo or are infertile because there is nothing proving that. For all you know you could just be to stressed or worrying about it to much.
Hope I was able to give you a little hope. Good luck with everything

 

[hopingforit]

No Doubt, thank you for taking the time to write out such a thoughtful response. My DH always tells me that he is just as excited as me about having a baby but feels that when the time comes it will happen. I understand his feelings and don't mean to lash out at him but I have told him before that he shouldn't say that to me. I explained that I feel he is being insensitive but he does it every month. Guys just sometimes don't listen or can't fully understand. Also, he has two kids from his previous marriage so he always tells me that if there is a problem, it will most likely be with me and not him. I understand why he is thinking that, but that is also very insensitive. I always tell him that you can't understand what I'm going through because you already have 2 kids. He gets them between 1-3 days per week depending on the week and he feels that this should be a substitute for getting pregnant and having and baby and as much as I care for the kids, I want to carry that baby for 9 months, watch it grow, love it unconditionally. I'm sorry if this sounds rude of me but having step-kids who I barely get to see doesn't replace that feeling of disappointment when I don't get pregnant month after month. I had a really bad month I think it was 2 months ago that I took 2 HPTS and got evaps. I had some great hope that I could be pregnant but was so disappointed when AF showed. I know my hubby isn't trying to be insensitive purposely. He just doesn't know what to say. He started off this TTC journey saying he didn't want me going to the Dr...just let it happen naturally. When we got close to 1 year, he had a change of heart..whether it was because I am so sad or he is sad...or even both, I'm not sure. I think I just get really moody when AF shows and all I want is not to be told it will happen when it's time. My hubby is also very spiritual and has said in the past that maybe if I was more spiritual, it would happen and it's not going to happen unless I do something spiritual. Again, I know he is not trying to be insensitive but being a guy...he doesn't know how to say things.
I thought that telling my mom would give me someone to talk to about it but she just feels very uncomfortable talking about it now that she knows. I tried a couple of times but she just changes the subject. I get into moods where I feel like I have to talk to someone so I come on here since I can relate to so many people.
My dad definitely doesn't know. My mother is remarried to my step-father so even though she has a good relationship with my father, she doesn't talk to him about that. I know for sure he doesn't know because if he did know the troubles we were having, he would have said what he said on Thanksgiving as that is just not the type of person he is. I'm still debating whether to tell him or not but when I go to the Dr while he is here, I'll have to say something or he will wonder what is wrong with me.
I guess one reason I'm worried is because 5 years ago I got pregnant (not with hubby) while on BCP and had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. I never became pregnant again after that and I was cleared by the Dr after the miscarriage completed saying everything was okay but I guess I worry that something is wrong with me that caused me to have that miscarriage and now not get pregnant again.

 

[No Doubt]

Hopingforit, I understand and yeah, you are right...some of those comments are a bit insensitive. Maybe the lashing needed to happen to show him just how serious you are about him not saying those things to you. I believe whole heartedly in God and the Bible and trust everything in my life to Him, but I also can't just stand by and wait when there is or could be an issue. Do I believe God will bless me with a child? Of course. But I also believe the saying you can't help those who won't help themselves and I believe God works in the same way. He will help us, but sometimes we have to go through somethings and deal with some issues. It's not that God doesn't think you don't have faith in Him, it's just that we have to go through the trials and tribulations to learn lessons, and to learn what we are made of so that when we are really tested in the future, we know we can handle it. As far as your husband having two kids and that being a substitute...absolutely not. They always say a woman becomes a mother when she finds out she's pregnant; a man becomes a father when the baby is born. When you have his baby, he will definitely change his tune. And just because he has kids doesn't mean anything. My husband conceived with his ex-girlfriend before me. They were in college and decided not to keep the baby, but like I said all my numbers are good, his are on the low side. Things can change and just because it once was doesn't mean it always will be. While the doctors told him that a low sperm count wasn't something to be to worried about considering that it was within normal range, but on the lower end of the spectrum, and the fact that his motility was high which was good, he was still hurt and disappointed. He had a hard time accepting that. He was so sure and just really couldn't believe the issue may be with him. We as women automatically assume there is something wrong with us when we don't get pregnant right away, and that just simply may not always be the case.

 

[hopingforit]

Hopingforit, I understand and yeah, you are right...some of those comments are a bit insensitive. Maybe the lashing needed to happen to show him just how serious you are about him not saying those things to you. I believe whole heartedly in God and the Bible and trust everything in my life to Him, but I also can't just stand by and wait when there is or could be an issue. Do I believe God will bless me with a child? Of course. But I also believe the saying you can't help those who won't help themselves and I believe God works in the same way. He will help us, but sometimes we have to go through somethings and deal with some issues. It's not that God doesn't think you don't have faith in Him, it's just that we have to go through the trials and tribulations to learn lessons, and to learn what we are made of so that when we are really tested in the future, we know we can handle it. As far as your husband having two kids and that being a substitute...absolutely not. They always say a woman becomes a mother when she finds out she's pregnant; a man becomes a father when the baby is born. When you have his baby, he will definitely change his tune. And just because he has kids doesn't mean anything. My husband conceived with his ex-girlfriend before me. They were in college and decided not to keep the baby, but like I said all my numbers are good, his are on the low side. Things can change and just because it once was doesn't mean it always will be. While the doctors told him that a low sperm count wasn't something to be to worried about considering that it was within normal range, but on the lower end of the spectrum, and the fact that his motility was high which was good, he was still hurt and disappointed. He had a hard time accepting that. He was so sure and just really couldn't believe the issue may be with him. We as women automatically assume there is something wrong with us when we don't get pregnant right away, and that just simply may not always be the case.

I know my husband loves me and means well, even though he can say some hurtful things like that sometimes. You are right though about a man becoming a father after the baby is born. I know he wants a child with me very much but I think because he doesn't go through the disappointment of waiting for AF, AF showing...all that stuff...that he can't understand as much. I told DH that even though he has children, it can still be a sperm problem but I think he just doesn't want to think that it could be him that is the "problem" because he knows how badly I want this and he knows the disappointment I feel. In some ways, I think the things he says are to make me feel better in some weird way like saying religion would help...maybe that is in the sense that if I pray or have hope it may make me feel better. He just doesn't want to deal with disappointment because it's easier if just one of us really faces the disappointment every month. In fact, he told me before that I shouldn't mention that I am having symptoms or anything like that because it gets his hopes up only to crush them....so that tells me that he does get upset. If he doesn't know, he doesn't get his hopes up but as women, we have to use OPKs and temp and make sure we are BDing in the right time. That is why I love coming on here. I can get some opinions without having that sort of guy thing that he offers me...because guys in general I think are just not good with words or emotions and my guy is like that.

 

[NordicLass]

hopingforit,

I'm in the exact same position. People are asking...like ALL the time, as we just got engaged and I've always said I wanted a big family. To some people I've been saying we're trying but its not happening but when they start asking if we;ve been to the docs and stuff, it gets a bit too personal to discuss (esp to people u just work with). It's a difficult one for sure! Sometimes I lie and say we aren't ready yet...
I'm now 30 and OH is 29. We've been trying for 2 years and have been doing lots of tests and are now having to go down the IVF route. I find it very hard not telling people...but to be honest I havent got any close friends/family who I could talk to. I mean..you dont really wanna talk about infertility to people who are pregnant. Nor people at work. I think if i told my family they would just worry...and constantly ask about it which I dont want. I hardly want to even think about it most of the time. It gets me so depressed.
Do you know yet what the problems are? Sometimes it helps knowing. In our case we have VERY low sperm count and was told conceiving on our own is pretty much impossible. So now in the whole NHS waiting game which is even more depressing. If you wanna talk I'm on FB and MSN?

 

[Sexki11en]

How do I deal with it? Not very well i'm afraid.

I've cried for practically a year and a half. More since we lost our first PG 3 months ago. Even more since we found out last moth we have 1% chance of conceiving by ourselves and realizing we can't afford IVF.

I'm in a bit of a hole right now. I'm sure we'll get our heads around it eventually and come to terms with our 'lot'.

For now, i'm wallowing.

I hope you feel better soon honey.

SK x

 

[littlemorag]

Hiya,
I'm just back on here after a couple of years because I couldn't really cope with our constant bfn's. My oh was very much in the 'if it's meant to it'll happen' category and it's taken him 3.5 years to realise there's a bit if a problem and get checked out. It was not being able to move forward that frustrated me the most. We have been married for over 4 years now and after the first year and a half our families just stopped asking. They knew we wanted children so they drew their own conclusions.
Things are moving on now though. Oh got a test and I turns out he has very low motility so at least we have a starting point.
I hope things start moving or you soon hon, this past 3 years have been pretty hard going for me but there's always a silver lining
Mx