How do you deal with the ex and resentment?

[seoj]

I'm a full time step-mom to my fabulous SD since she was just 9yrs old (and she's now 14 and a freshman in High School).

Here is the issue I've have to deal with over the past 5 1/2 yrs... my resentment towards her biological mom (my husbands ex). I won't get into too much detail... but she has always been a struggle. It was much worse when my SD was younger- as she tried to brain wash her or tell her it was her Dad's fault she didn't see her more (even though it was choices she made in life that got her daughter taken away from her)... there is much much more... but it's all sad and frustrating and not really the point. Except as a way to understand why she get's to me so much... She only now, in the past 2yrs, has had more consistent visits. And in the past year has "acted" better than usual and things have been more calm (which is so much better for my SD). Her mom still has issues... but less and less as time progresses when it comes to visitations etc...

My issue is I have SO much resentment towards her that whenever my SD is actually happy to see her mom or talks highly of her (which, granted, isn't all that often)- I actually get jealous! It almost like I feel betrayed by my SD, which is SO NOT FAIR to her and certainly not her intention or her fault. It's my issue. But because I'm the actual parent and the one that sets boundaries and rules... my SD even calls me when she's in her mom's care to ask if this or that is OK... I feel offended on some level that she even wants to be with her mom. I know that isn't right. I should be HAPPY when her mom is actually being good and following through... that is how it should be. Period. I know that. I'm an intelligent and reasonable woman...

But somehow, the feelings are still there. And honestly, I'm thinking maybe I need to seek counseling to learn how to deal with them in a better way- cause just the mention of her mom makes my blood boil. And please know I've NEVER said any of this to my SD... I fake it and act happy for her (but she has to sense it on some level, she's not dumb). I have also always been very cordial to her mom... even though I can't stand the woman. Because of how she treated my SD and hubby over the years.

Maybe it's hormone related, I just dont' even want to hear my SD say anything good about her mom. Then I feel horrible for feeling that way... cause she should say good things about her.

Ugh... I just hope someone can relate, even a little? Even if your situation isn't exactly the same? Anyone...????

 

[Sam Pearson]

My ex is such a poor excuse for a father and such a poor excuse for a man that I was happy for my son any time he could find something to be proud of even if it wasn't based on lies his father had told him. I just feel so sorry for my son that his father is such a loser and somebody who is a laughing stock amongst the community. How can I begrudge him anything positive.

An example: my ex is always getting drunk and starting fights in pubs because he has a big mouth and isn't very smart. He always loses the fights and gets arrested and wears the damage for weeks. In the tall tale he tells he "smashed the guy" and it was all justified and honourable. Every adult who knows my ex knows this is bullshit but my son used to believe him. Now, I find this appauling and embarassing behaviour and I would tell my son that fighting isn't the way but I wouldn't actually tell my son that his Dad is a liar and couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag. My son wants to belive that his Dad is big and strong and can protect him not that he gets a beating every time he goes out because he is an idiot.

When my son would boast to his friends that his Dad owned a company or had lots of money or was a champion surfer I knew that was all lies but I just let that stuff go. He had not a single thing to be proud of his father and I felt he needed to feel proud of him like all the other children with normal Dads werre able to.

At the end of the day I made a baby with that person so I had to accept that he would be a part of my son's life forever and my aim was for my son not to feel as ashamed of him as he might have been and was I also careful not to be somebody who constantly ran his Dad down since our whole community does that already. That wasn't easy and I could never find anything positive to say about him in all these years but I did try not to bring up or dwell on the negative.

At the end of the day you have to accept that you partner made a baby with that woman and any happiness your SD can have from her relationship with her Mum is beneficial for her while she is so young.

My son is 21 now and each year he sees more and more the truth of his biological father and more and more he sees how fortunate he is to have had my husband as his step father. That's enough for me, for us.

I know the truth about his father but I think the truth might be too much for any child to have to deal with...my ex really is that lowly.

I hope you can let go of your feelings of resentment. My son is older now and I never even know when he sees his Dad or not so perhaps that will happen for you in the future, too.

Sam

 

[seoj]

I totally understand your situation... my hubbies ex did some aweful things (things you would never think happen in "real life")-- I'm just glad he has full custody of his daughter and we are able to raise her in a happy and healthy home. She certainly does see how messed up her mom is... more and more every passing year... but I understand she will always want that love and attention from her as well. She's her mom. I would never begrudge her that... I just don't know how to turn off my feelings of resentment?

I think it's actually gotten worse since I had my daughter- like how could a parent EVER do that to their own kid? But your right... it is what it is. I know this. And the logical part of me wishes I could just let it go... it's certainly not causing anyone harm but me! And I'm doing it to myself! I guess I just need to find a way to come to peace with how she is and hope things continue to get better and know that in the end... I'm really my SD's mom... she's even just started calling me mom since my LO was born. It's sweet.

I guess being Zen is the key... and I'll find a way to get there. THANKS!!!

By the way- how great for you and your son/family that you have eachother

 

[Sam Pearson]

I thkn your anger is normal and healthy, your SD deserves better, but, yeah, finding a way of letting it go would be good. Could you write a letter to her Mum but not send it, burn it or whatever. Just to get out all the things you'd like to say to her but can't?

 

[seoj]

I thkn your anger is normal and healthy, your SD deserves better, but, yeah, finding a way of letting it go would be good. Could you write a letter to her Mum but not send it, burn it or whatever. Just to get out all the things you'd like to say to her but can't?

That is a great suggestion... and ones I've suggested to others! LOL. Not sure why I didn't think of that for myself? But yea... maybe I just need to let it out!!!

Thanks again

 

[JASMAK]

No advice...just wish my step dad cared about me like you do your step-daughter.

 

[seoj]

No advice...just wish my step dad cared about me like you do your step-daughter.

I wish that for you too hun...