How do you explain when Daddy isn't coming home?

[saitiffeh]

My almost 4 year old is a sweet little boy who loves his father. Talks about him every day. Me and my ex separated in November of '09 and he has been in and out of my son's life ever since. Most recently he left town in July to be with his ex-girlfriend and hasn't been back since.

Now I am happy my son loves his father, but it breaks my heart how he misses him. Every day he talks about Daddy, says Daddy loves him, and asks when he can see him. "My Daddy lives far away, but he still loves me". I'll never take that away from him but he is at the point of crying at least once a day.

I am lucky enough to be with a man who loves me, and loves my son as his own. He is a better father to my boy then his biological dad ever could be. But how do you help a child understand in a gentle way that Daddy isn't coming back?

 

[MummyJade]

its so hard, ive been there with my little one, she didn't see her dad for 4 months and every time she asked about him i just said the truth, i wouldn't lie for him to make him look better... but afterwards i would say but you have a bampy (my dad) and only special girls have a bampy.... x

 

[saitiffeh]

Aww

It's sad when you can't give them answers but with him so far I've said that Daddy does love him but lives far away right now.I know when he gets older he will ask more questions.

Tomorrow I go to court. Ex-Hubby has not filed a response and missed his deadline.Not expecting him to show tomorrow. Kinda sad that he would walk away from the boy who adores him but also excited to get this court stuff over with.

 

[Happy]

I'm having this problem with my 2.5yr old, she is very advanced for her age and constantly asks for daddy. Husband and I separated 6 weeks ago and he has yet to see her, at the moment I am playing the 'daddy is at work card' but this is not going to work for much longer.

 

[saitiffeh]

I tried that with Josh for a bit but he knows better. So I figure that just "Daddy lives far away" will work until he gets older and has more questions. It's true and not too complicated.

 

[Foogirl]

It must be really hard, but I do think whatever I told him, I would reinforce the "daddy loves you" part.

 

[saitiffeh]

Definitely! I know it's not a lie, but some men love themselves sadly more then they love their children. But Josh has a lot of love to give and has a lot of love for his father. I'd never want to rob him of that. My mother tried to do that with me and it ruined a lot of things.

 

[MummyJade]

I hope the court goes well... x

 

[cluelessnow]

I've been debating this myself. My LO isn't even born yet but I wonder if I should tell the truth or not. At the moment, FOB wants to be involved as much as possible though being in different countries, it's hard for him. I don't want to deny this either and I've been told by friends who have children or experienced this that it depends on the child - some are very sensitive and some are more confident. But I've been advised not to bad mouth the FOB in front the child as they subconsciously feel bad as they're half of FOB. I don't know, it's difficult. Personally, I never want LO to know he wasn't wanted by FOB the first 3 months of his life. Good luck with court and I hope it gets better for you.

 

[Foogirl]

I've been advised not to bad mouth the FOB in front the child as they subconsciously feel bad as they're half of FOB

I'm not sure that is the case as young children don't know that is how it works. I think it's more because, especially if the FOB is part of their lives, it can cause quite a conflict. Here is a person who they are being told is bad and yet they have to spend time with them and from a child's point of view he probably isn't bad. And as they get older, it is important they can grow to love their fathers and form their own opinion without feeling they are hurting or upsetting mum.

 

[Laura2919]

I think its good for you to let your son make up his mind about his Daddy, all you can say is he isnt here, he might come soon, you cant lie to him but then you cant say for definite because you dont really know yourself.
It must be a tough one for you and I bet it breaks your heart but you have to let him make his decision.
FOB has Chloe and Jaycee every other weekend, on a Thursday night when I am at SW and then he comes to see them when he comes to talk the dog one other day in the week, I couldnt imagine trying to tell them he isnt coming.

 

[Paton]

The thought of this happening really scares me.. FOB sees DD twice a week and has done since we split when she was 6 weeks old. She is just starting to talk a bit now but FOB's been away on holiday and it doesn't seem to have upset her at all. (she's 15 months). I dread the days when he lets her down and doesn't show and i have to see her heart break a little and answer her questions. I've just promised myself that the days he does this, I will try and cancel any plans i may have and make sure we have a good day out somewhere or do something really fun to make up for it so missing out on seeing FOB doesn't mean her whole day/weekend is entirely ruined xx