How do you tell your family?

[FrancoRie710]

Hi all,

My husband and I started ttc in July 2012, and are approaching the time where I'm realizing that it really might not happen for us on our own. I'm testing at the end of this month right before we go on vacation. If I'm pregnant then, great! If not, I'm not bringing my thermometer or opk's or anything on our vacay, and I'm hoping it will be one of those "it happened when we stopped trying" kind of things. When we get back from vacay I have an appt. scheduled with an RE.

My question for you ladies is how and when did you tell your families about your difficulties conceiving? We haven't told anyone that we were trying to get pregnant because we wanted it to be a surprise when we told them we were pregnant (wouldn't THAT have been nice?). So I don't think they have any idea about what's going on.

How do I tell them that we might be infertile? And do I even want to? The benefits would be that they would undoubtedly be supportive and they would cry with us and pray with us. But then what? Would they constantly be asking me how things were going? Would they pity me? Would it be awkwardness when they’re around me because they can’t feel free to discuss whatever is on their mind? Would they feel that they couldn’t talk about people in our family or people that we know who are pregnant? I feel like we’re only at the beginning of this journey and I already feel… “sensitive”… when discussing due dates and whatnot of my pregnant cousins or family friends. It’s not that I’m incapable of feeling happy for those women, I’m not. But every pregnant person I see or hear about is a reminder that I am not pregnant and I’m afraid I never will be. How do I tell them? How do I bring this up in conversation? This is such the opposite of the kind of conversation I wanted to have with them. Do I write them an email? Do I call them? Do I tell them now, or after our appointment with the RE? For almost a year I've been telling myself that I’ll get pregnant next month so I won’t have to tell them anything, but that may not be the case for much longer.

Sorry for the rant, as I'm sure you can appreciate this topic is very emotionally charged for me. Your input is appreciated.

 

[Canadian]

Hi! I think it's different for everyone. Some people need to share with others and some people don't. I have a friend who took many many years and many failed in vitro attempts to get to her daughter but talked about every step with family, friends, colleagues etc. not in an annoying way but in a therapeutic way for her.
This for me would be awful. I am extremely private and have no desire to discuss this topic with anyone. My husband works hard to get me to open up on it and he is only person I care to speak to about it (& drs) but I even find this hard as it was diagnosed as my issues.
You will get to your baby. You don't know today if it will be naturally or with some level of assistance but you will. Sharing and choosing with who to share with is very personal.

 

[MrsOvey]

Hi Franco, it's a tough decision to make, i haven't told anyone in my family about our struggles, i too am incredibly private about my life. I've told 5 people, all of whom are my very best friends, and they are so good at understanding, they wait for me to tell them what's happening. I couldn't bear to tell my mum, she is so nosey and would want to know all the ins and outs of everything and would probably expect me to bring her a long to appointments. The constant little hints that she's dropping about babies etc are staring to get to me. I still won't tell her though thoughts are with you and i hope you make the right decision for you xx

 

[oneKnight]

I rant occasionally and post about infertility on FB. Some of my aunts are on there and they talk a lot, so I'm sure they know. I don't talk about it much in person. I'm generally pretty tight-lipped. Most of my family didn't know about my divorce till it was final - and we were separated 3-4 months before that.

I only talk to my sister. We have always shared pretty much everything. She just had a baby and I struggled a bit and kept my distance when she was pregnant, but I dropped everything to be at the hospital with her when she was in labor. She's the only one I really talk to.

 

[Lemonade]

I agree with the other ladies - it is definitely different for everyone. We haven't told anyone IRL, mainly because we don't want people to ask us how it's going. I kind of wish we had decided to tell people so that I could talk to my MIL about it, because they went through infertility and she used Clomid to get DH and his brothers.

We have found that the downside of not telling people about our infertility struggles is that some people assume that we are not getting pregnant because we just don't want a baby yet. I keep getting comments like, "When are you going to get around to having kids?" Or "Do you not want children?" So I guess there are pros and cons to both!

 

[MrsOvey]

I get those comments and questions all the time Lemonade. As soon as we were married people were like 'ooh babies next then' Luckily due to my honeymoon being delayed by a year, we've used that as an excuse to 'not get pregnant' x

 

[J_Lynn]

I just told my parents flat out not to get excited because I may not ever get pregnant so don't both even mentioning the whole "when do I get a grandbaby" comment even in passing because I will flip out and probably stop talking to you. It was a conversation that only had to take place once - now if I talk to them about it, they will nod and agree with whatever I'm talking about and be supportive but never, ever, ever push or be rude about it. Because I will cut them off and never speak to them again if they want to be jerks. That's just the type of person I am and they know that LOL And I am their last hope because my brother was killed at the end of last year, my sister HATES children to the point that even being in Walmart around them makes her sick to her stomach and she will never ever have a child - she got pregnant on accident when she was 15 and gave the baby up for adoption, and I wish I would have been older so Icould have adopted the baby ... but .... I wasn't stable or old enough to care for a child, so it was for the best - but I could have kept that baby in our family. Either way, I am the last link to a grandbaby for our family. I know it's really hard on my dad now that his son is no longer here, so the bloodline kinda ended - that's really tough. But hopefully I can give him a grandson so at least we can have our family still out there and not just end it with us on our branch anyway.

I also only tell friends who don't know my husbands exwife. Because she can NEVER know that we are having problems getting pregnant - I have had to press charges against her for harassment and stalking already, I KNOW if she found that nugget of information out she would be relentless about it and I would end up losing my mind because she would never stop making jokes about it.

Everyone is pretty understanding about it, really ... well, since everyone I know already has kids, I guess they're as understanding as they can be.

 

[popchick75]

We didn't tell any friends and family. Infertility testing and treatments are pretty time consuming and we didn't want the added pressure of them constantly asking what was going on.

You also have to keep in mind, that no matter how wonderful and understanding your family is, infertility is a totally different beast. They may just not get it. Be prepared for 'just relax' and 'you're trying too hard' comments. I've found that unless they have been through it themselves, most people will just not understand the pain of what you are going through.

 

[Feisty Fidget]

We told close friends and family when we planned to start trying - I was just 24 and naive enough to believe it would happen within a year. When we started to get close to the 6 month mark, family members started telling us to relax and these things should be planned etc. Then we finally fell but miscarried - I made sure everyone knew because I did NOT want to be asked when we would be starting a family etc.

I will post on facebook occasionally if it is a specific event (should have been due date, birthdays etc) or if I find one of those funny ecards bitching about insensitivity towards others or clogging up my feed with baby photo's. I speak to anyone that asks (but try to keep it to a minimum in my business life) and although always polite around pregnancy announcements etc, I'm not too scared to step away or distance myself if feelings get too over-whelming. There are some people I don't like discussing things with some people (generally the people that tell me I'm over-thinking/trying etc) but you will soon scope out those that are supportive and those that (although well meaning) just end upsetting you.

 

[FrancoRie710]

Thanks everyone for the input. I vasilate every day between telling them and not. Although I think they would be supportive, I'm afraid it would get out and I'm most afraid of the "just stop trying, relax," comments. I just know someone is going to say "have you tried having sex around the time you ovulate?" And then I'm going to have to punch them in the face.

 

[Molae06]

Hi Franco, your comment about how someone might say "Have you tried having sex around the time you ovulate?" Made my day. I can just imagine. I had a similar experience when we started telling people, one of my sisters has 2 boys who are 10 and 11 and another boy who is 4, I was talking about getting a shot to make me ovulate and she was dumbfounded, she asked me what ovulate was...and she was completely serious!! I held back my comments of "how do you have 3 kids and not know how babies are made?!?!?!?" When I had my m/c she asked how I knew and I told her the dr had said my hcg level had dropped from whatever it was to the low hundreds, and she asked what HCG was. She wasn't rude about it but at the same time I am just like oh.my.gosh how are you this dumb.

Anyway, this month is our 7 years ttc mark and we just recently within the year told our families. I kind of wish I had mentioned something sooner, because up until this point everyone just assumed we weren't ready/didn't want kids. So now that we are coming up on 7 years, people forget that since they just recently found out, and when I mention things like IVF people act like we are moving "too fast" and we should try "not thinking about it" or "just relax" and it's not comforting. I constantly have to remind them we have been trying for 7 years, not for 6 months and jumping to IVF.

Anyway, best of luck in your decision. You will know what's right for the both of you.

 

[River54]

My brother tried for 4 years with his other half (oh) and after repeated attempts at ivf, finally had success. He would tell mum, who would tell all of us kids 'in confidence' all the times they did get a bfp and then would have to quietly say they lost it, etc. After a few rounds of that, my brother stopped announcing when they got a bfp. Then I remember a phone call from him telling me he saw the heartbeat, and he was just floored - a little while later, I became an aunt

For us, we haven't told anyone. I asked oh the other day if we should tell people. He finally agreed that we could say something like we are 'working on it' etc if people asked, but only then. He doesn't feel comfortable announcing that we are trying, but is fine with answering people point blank. At least now, I don't have to evade people. A couple of my closer friends know that we are ttc and have been for awhile, but they also don't ask questions - they let me just talk about it if I want to, though I also do not see them very often anymore.

I am glad you asked this question, I had been wondering what others do as well.

 

[FrancoRie710]

Hi Franco, your comment about how someone might say "Have you tried having sex around the time you ovulate?" Made my day. I can just imagine. I had a similar experience when we started telling people, one of my sisters has 2 boys who are 10 and 11 and another boy who is 4, I was talking about getting a shot to make me ovulate and she was dumbfounded, she asked me what ovulate was...and she was completely serious!! I held back my comments of "how do you have 3 kids and not know how babies are made?!?!?!?" When I had my m/c she asked how I knew and I told her the dr had said my hcg level had dropped from whatever it was to the low hundreds, and she asked what HCG was. She wasn't rude about it but at the same time I am just like oh.my.gosh how are you this dumb.

Anyway, this month is our 7 years ttc mark and we just recently within the year told our families. I kind of wish I had mentioned something sooner, because up until this point everyone just assumed we weren't ready/didn't want kids. So now that we are coming up on 7 years, people forget that since they just recently found out, and when I mention things like IVF people act like we are moving "too fast" and we should try "not thinking about it" or "just relax" and it's not comforting. I constantly have to remind them we have been trying for 7 years, not for 6 months and jumping to IVF.

Anyway, best of luck in your decision. You will know what's right for the both of you.

OMG, that's hilarious about your sister! To her sex=baby, it's that simple! If only!

 

[MrsOvey]

Oh if only it was that easy, well apparently for some it is, what with all the 'accidents' that happen. I have a few friends that seem to think sex = a baby, and really know nothing about the proper ins and outs of it all. One friend think that by having sex on the 14th day of your cycle, you're guaranteed a baby 9 months later!! Not so xx