how have you changed???

[jojo23]

hey girls, so tonight i was having a little think and just realised how much i have changed since losing Lily.
Im a totally different person now...im so scared of losing people that i love and im nervous all the time that something bad could happen and turn my life around. im scared!!
on the other hand im so grateful for all the little things i have in my life and my wonderful boyfriend, who i have to say i underappreciated until all this happened!

Just wondering if you would like to share how losing your little angels has changed you and help me to feel like im not losing my mind!!

xxxxxxxxxxxx love to you all

 

[Imalia]

I've changed a lot since losing our angel last July. I'm harder, closed, more guarded and angry, oh how I'm angry. In the first few weeks/months I had an unwavering belief that I was going to lose everything and everyone that I loved and cared about, you're not alone there.

 

[Andypanda6570]

WOW!! What a great thread At first I was a mess and very vulnerable but now since Ava died I am so angry and I always think someone has a motive when down deep I know they don't Like you I am terrified of loss, I know that emptiness and I don't ever want to feel it ever again I wish i could die before anyone so I don't ever go through that again, maybe it hurts more when it's a child I don't know. I worry about my kids, my dad my husband. I just am very cautious and always on the look out. I have pulled away from my In laws and SIL, I just don't feel close to them and don't want to be around them unless I have to. They think I should be over her death already. It's been almost 3 months
I lost Ava at 18 weeks and I have 3 boys 20,17 and 11 and my SIL has 3 boys 15,12 and 8 and as soon as she found out I was pregnant she got pregnant she is 36 and I am 40 . Well, she was just 8 weeks behind me and on Easter she lost her baby also but at 17 weeks I was in complete shock , how could it of happened to us both 6 weeks apart She had an operation that I did not want. I choose to give birth. Anyway she seems fine . Me, I am still a mess and I go almost every day to Ava's grave. My SIL just seems cold to me, I don't know. All I know is I have heard some things that her and my MIL have said about me and instead of being aggressive and in their face I just sit back and choose to distance myself from them both, they have no idea what I have been through. Ava was born on the toilet bowl it was a horror, but I thank God I got to hold her and bury her and love her. I miss her so so much, I heard from a family member that my MIL made a comment about me, saying I make everyone depressed I don't even see them or anyone in the family, so how can I make anyone depressed ?
Just nonsense, I am done with them, I have my boys and my husband and that is all I need, thanks for asking . I love this thread and I can't wait to read more posts in it.
xoxoxo Love to all
Just wanted to add Ava was a complete shock to us, she was not planned but SO wanted. I never dreamed i would get pregnant at 40. I had my boys at 20,23 and 30 so we were done and now my little miracle was here and now she is gone. . I love her and I miss her so very much ...

 

[Imalia]

It's so awful when our angels arrive outside of a hospital environment isn't it? Our son was born on the bathroom floor at home. I'm not saying it's ever easy, but for me at least, it was so traumatic to go through it at home like that with no one but me and DH around.

I had been given mifepristone and it was planned that I would go back 48 hours later to be induced but we didn't make it that far. 16 hours after taking it when we were back home I went into labour suddenly. Really suddenly. 3:10 am I woke up, woke DH up and called for an ambulance. 3:37, still waiting for the ambulance to arrive I delivered alone on the bathroom floor.

 

[jojo23]

thanks for your replies girls!! im really trying to get my anxiousness under control now im just so afraid all the time that something bad is going to happen! its very hard for our OHs to understand as much as they support us i think sometimes its just so much easier to talk to you all!!

Andypanda...your right to keep a distance from these people its not fair that they paint you with the same brush as your SIL, ye are completely different people and everyone deals with loss differently! my cousin lost twins last year and when i lost Lily she came up with all this 'advice' which just didnt apply to our situation with Lily at all and she was really pushing me to do what she did with their burial, in the end i snapped and told her that i would do what i wanted and deal with it how i wanted. i apologised after but she realised then how different we are as people and how our needs were totally different. although we all understand each other here we dont presume to know each womans grief, we can empathise but still understand that as women from all over the world we are different.

i needed this thread just to share how i was feeling now we all have had a few months or some of us longer. miscarriage/stillbirth doesnt go away from our lives so we shouldnt stop talking about it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Clo]

Losing Frazer has totally changed me as a person. I have been through every emotion under the sun and was really upset and scared for a long time. Both me and my OH went to joint counselling to discuss how we felt and it was the best thing for us. I still think about him every day but can now think about him without feeling so upset.

Now that I have my rainbow I am so anxious every day. I know that I probably would have worried anyway if I hadn't lost his big brother but I am constantly checking he is ok as I couldnt bare to
lose him too. I am hoping that as time goes on I will start to worry less. xxx

 

[SarahJane]

I have changed because things in general don't seem to matter any more.

I am also so angry all of the time, when I am not angry I feel sad.

I am obsessed with getting pregnant again already(despite trying so hard to relax).

I don't believe I will ever get any good luck in life.

I have become stupidly supersticious.

I have a flabby belly!

Doesn't read well does it?!

 

[jojo23]

I have changed because things in general don't seem to matter any more.

I am also so angry all of the time, when I am not angry I feel sad.

I am obsessed with getting pregnant again already(despite trying so hard to relax).

I don't believe I will ever get any good luck in life.

I have become stupidly supersticious.

I have a flabby belly!

Doesn't read well does it?!

you just described exactly how i feel huni!! my weight is really getting me down yet i cant drag myself to do anything about it cause i just dont have the zest for life anymore. im convincing myself that my OH doesnt find me sexy anymore.... i think the more i read everyones thread the more normal i feel, whatever normal means!! at least we're all in this together xxx so sorry for your loss pet

 

[MaevesMummy]

How I am has changed very slowly over the last 8 months.
If I am very honest, the 1st week, I wasnt there. Ididnt want to live, or at least I wished I had died too.

The next few months, I actually believe I was on the brink of a breakdown, I was so angry. Its just not me. I dont do things like that. But now it is me. I now very protective of my little girl. Angry isnt the word if anyone disrespects her, or her memory.

I then think untill very recently I was a shell of a person. Outwardly fine. Screwed on the inside.
I feel more together now, although like others, I am so much more aware now of whats more improtant to me, and how easily it can be lost.
I suspect that we will all be much more sympathetic and caring people for our experiences. As well as the odd angry screaming bitter moment. but thats allowed. xxxxxxxxx

 

[hannpin]

Good thread So how I have changed.

I now have a weird obsession with babies and pregnant people. I feel such a hate for people who are pregnant, and feel that every moan (as everyone does in pregnancy) they are being so ungreatful.

Like SJ I am toatally obsessed with becoming preg again, and feel that this will 'mend' me some how

I am scared of letting my 17 month old DD out of my sight, incase something bad happens to her

My priorities in life have also changed so drastically, I was always such a career girl and always was striving for promotion or recognition of my work, but now I can bearly be bothered to turn up to work.

I also am less tolerant of people in general, and cannot be bothered with chasing after people for things, or wasting my time in anyway

 

[Sammy2009]

hey girls, so tonight i was having a little think and just realised how much i have changed since losing Lily.
Im a totally different person now...im so scared of losing people that i love and im nervous all the time that something bad could happen and turn my life around. im scared!!
on the other hand im so grateful for all the little things i have in my life and my wonderful boyfriend, who i have to say i underappreciated until all this happened!

Just wondering if you would like to share how losing your little angels has changed you and help me to feel like im not losing my mind!!

xxxxxxxxxxxx love to you all

First of all sorry for the loss of your little one and rest in peace angel baby

I lost my daughter at 24 weeks due to Hydrocephalus. I changed immediately, i lost the plot if you like. I returned to work after my mat leave but i knew and could feel i was fragile. Things got worse at work and around end of March i cracked under the pressure and went on the sick. I tried to cope and failed. I tried to pretend i was ok but the stress of trying to pretend weakened me even further. I was no longer able to control my reactions to simple problems or able to deal with them. Every small thing seemed like a huge thing. I never accepted help or counselling after the loss of my baby. I should have done but at the time i just couldnt. I wanted to shut the world out and never let anyone back in. I also lost my dad when i was 14 weeks due to a fatal heart attack. My colleague at worked who i loved, she was amazing dropped dead after being the shower, she was 8 weeks pregnant. My cousin then had a heart attack while on holiday aged 38. It was the worse year of my life, all this in 1 year??? Im taking counselling now but its in the early stages and dont feel its helping right now. I wish you all the luck in the world for another future pregnancy.

 

[jojo23]

hey girls, so tonight i was having a little think and just realised how much i have changed since losing Lily.
Im a totally different person now...im so scared of losing people that i love and im nervous all the time that something bad could happen and turn my life around. im scared!!
on the other hand im so grateful for all the little things i have in my life and my wonderful boyfriend, who i have to say i underappreciated until all this happened!

Just wondering if you would like to share how losing your little angels has changed you and help me to feel like im not losing my mind!!

xxxxxxxxxxxx love to you all

First of all sorry for the loss of your little one and rest in peace angel baby

I lost my daughter at 24 weeks due to Hydrocephalus. I changed immediately, i lost the plot if you like. I returned to work after my mat leave but i knew and could feel i was fragile. Things got worse at work and around end of March i cracked under the pressure and went on the sick. I tried to cope and failed. I tried to pretend i was ok but the stress of trying to pretend weakened me even further. I was no longer able to control my reactions to simple problems or able to deal with them. Every small thing seemed like a huge thing. I never accepted help or counselling after the loss of my baby. I should have done but at the time i just couldnt. I wanted to shut the world out and never let anyone back in. I also lost my dad when i was 14 weeks due to a fatal heart attack. My colleague at worked who i loved, she was amazing dropped dead after being the shower, she was 8 weeks pregnant. My cousin then had a heart attack while on holiday aged 38. It was the worse year of my life, all this in 1 year??? Im taking counselling now but its in the early stages and dont feel its helping right now. My baby was conceived through IVF and since then we have had another 7-8 failed procedures behind us. I feel im getting weaker and not stronger. i guess some people handle this better than others and i wish i was one of those but i guess im not. Im approaching 40 and we only have one more chance at IVF and im coming to the conclusion of the fact that I may never be a mummy again. I live for and love my teenage daughter, she is amazing but i would just like the chance of being a mum again, just one more time thats all i ask.... I am not sure now whether it will ever happen again and thats scares me. I wish you all the luck in the world for another future pregnancy.

Oh hun im so sorry for all of your losses, what a horrible year for you!!!
I think counselling can be such a good thing though even if you feel its not working yet please give it time beacuse once you open up and start talking its amazing how it can heal your hurt.... IVF can be so difficult hun i have a friend who tried it sooo many times without any result she was 40 last year and just adopted the most beautiful baby boy i have ever seen and loves him as if he were her own son.

keep the faith hun im a firm believer in good things happening to good people and even though you have had a horrible year maybe your little angels will send somethin amazing your way very soon.

if you ever need to chat im always here xxxxxx and wishing you all the luck in this world for your next IVF treatment

 

[Mellybelle]

Great thread!

I lost my brother last year, then a few weeks after his funeral I found out I was pregnant. It wasnt planned but we were thrilled. I was worried at first, then I thought "God wouldnt be so cruel to take my baby after I lost my brother". But at 14+1 I had a bleed. It was only small, stopped quickly with no cramping. I had to wait 3 days for a scan and I knew my baby had died. I was a complete mess. I tottered around on the edge of sanity for months. I became obsessed with TTC. I wanted my baby back. I got the results back saying nothing was wrong. No chromosomal abnormalities. It was a little boy. we named him Kyle. I watched everyone else around me fall pregnant and I hated them. We finally concieved again 10 cycles later. I was so scared, but again I thought "Really, God just couldnt be so cruel as to take this baby too". At 13+4 I had some spotting and cramping and another ultrasound showed we had lost another baby. This time a little girl, our Evie Grace. I gave birth to her and we held her tiny little body. This time we held a memorial service and had her cremated.
I've changed a lot. I am a stronger person. But I am bitter and horrible. I hate complete strangers because they get to keep their babies. I hate family members. I KNOW that no one in my family understands my pain. I have terrible anxiety that something bad will happen to my children or husband. A few random panic attacks here and there that I can keep under control for now. I know that God is cruel. If was all a test, did I pass or fail? Is the test over? I'd love to go back to being the person I used to be, but that woman is gone, and now theres only bitter and hatefilled me. I have good days but my mood can change so quickely. A facebook announcement can have me in tears.

 

[Imalia]

Mellybelle, are we the same person? I've only had one second trimester loss, but I swear I could have written half the posts I see from you.

 

[jojo23]

Mellybelle i totally understand, like Imalia i have had one second tri loss but anxiety is really getting to me and im having to try and control myself before i have a panic attack.... im learning to relax a little more and not worry too much, i cant control everything and i realised that even more when we lost Lily.

im still absolutely terrified that ill lose my family or my OH and to be honest i think me being so clingy and needy is starting to affect our relationship so i def need to take a step back and relax.

im so glad i started this thread in a way its nice to know im not alone in feeling like this and if i do feel overwhelmed i know all you lovely ladies will understand without judgement

hugs to you all xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Sammy2009]

Good thread So how I have changed.

I now have a weird obsession with babies and pregnant people. I feel such a hate for people who are pregnant, and feel that every moan (as everyone does in pregnancy) they are being so ungreatful.

Like SJ I am toatally obsessed with becoming preg again, and feel that this will 'mend' me some how

I am scared of letting my 17 month old DD out of my sight, incase something bad happens to her

My priorities in life have also changed so drastically, I was always such a career girl and always was striving for promotion or recognition of my work, but now I can bearly be bothered to turn up to work.

I also am less tolerant of people in general, and cannot be bothered with chasing after people for things, or wasting my time in anyway

I think my life is mirroring yours hun. I have virtually given up on most things, i couldnt give a crap about my job, all i think is how its a hinderance when im trying to do IVF. I struggle to get people to cover my position for apts and dont want to tell work about the ivf because having taken time off for my dad dying (all be it mostly my Own holidays days) then time off while we had to have mri scans, start dealing with the loss we were about to encounter, 4 months mat leave to greave then a month after i returned i fell dow the stairs from the top and smashed my head on the floor, broke bones, burst my eardrum etc etc, i had to take off another month through doctors orders followed now a nervous breakdown, i strongly feel if they know im possibly going to be off on another mat leave then they will fire me! I think they would like to anyway. I guess my boss having two kids, earning 150k a year, living in a huge house in the middle of a field, married with the perfect life will never understand what its like for everything to turn to ratshit.

 

[niknak242]

This is an awesome thread. I was just thinking about this.

Honestly, I don't even know who I am anymore.

I smile and laugh and act like the old Nikki, but the inside is so much different.
I cry every night. Sometimes I actually hit myself because I'm so angry and I don't know how to deal. My BF has to hold my hands, but I just can't help it. I'm filled with rage.
I can't stand seeing pregnant women. I get SO angry when I see one smoking or something.
I really don't like my job anymore, and it used to be my life. I am a nanny and I find myself constantly getting annoyed that I spend more time with their child than they do. He is such a gift.
I have 14 extra pounds that I gained while pregnant and can't get rid of.
I'm obsessed with getting pregnant again.
I lie to everyone and say that I'm fine all the time.
I don't drink because I'm afraid that if I did get pregnant and didn't know right away I'd damage another baby.
I am jaded and skeptical of life and things ever really working out for me.

 

[jojo23]

This is an awesome thread. I was just thinking about this.

Honestly, I don't even know who I am anymore.

I smile and laugh and act like the old Nikki, but the inside is so much different.
I cry every night. Sometimes I actually hit myself because I'm so angry and I don't know how to deal. My BF has to hold my hands, but I just can't help it. I'm filled with rage.
I can't stand seeing pregnant women. I get SO angry when I see one smoking or something.
I really don't like my job anymore, and it used to be my life. I am a nanny and I find myself constantly getting annoyed that I spend more time with their child than they do. He is such a gift.
I have 14 extra pounds that I gained while pregnant and can't get rid of.
I'm obsessed with getting pregnant again.
I lie to everyone and say that I'm fine all the time.
I don't drink because I'm afraid that if I did get pregnant and didn't know right away I'd damage another baby.
I am jaded and skeptical of life and things ever really working out for me.

im with you on the whole drinkin thing hun i used to love going out and having a few drinks but now i just have no interest at all cause about a week before i found out i was pregnant last time i went away for a weekend and it was a bit of a mad drinking session and i always wonder did it have any affect on Lily but i dont feel guilty as i didnt do it deliberately and scans after that were fine etc.
it really annoys me when i see people smoking, my cousin is due in a few weeks our babies would have only been 2 weeks apart and she is still smoking its just not fair!!! its 4 months on since losing Lily and im only begining to lose the weight i gained..very slowly!!! you'll get there hun

i think from now till the day i die ill be lying everyday and saying im fine because i dont think my heart will ever heal fully.fingers crossed we all get our sticky beans soon xxx

xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Mellybelle]

Mellybelle, are we the same person? I've only had one second trimester loss, but I swear I could have written half the posts I see from you.

Imalia, I think I've commented before that you are reading my mind!!

 

[kiki04]

For me it has barely been a week, however these feelings of anxiety has swept over me sooo much already! When my husband was driving with my kids, and I was at home I was terrified they were going to get in an accident or something and I was never going to see my family again When my kids go play outside I feel so afraid they will get kidnapped or hit by a car or something!!! I can admit I have let my children play inside and snuggle in front of the tv since last thursday, when normally we dont watch tv in this house And I know already I want soooo badly to be pregnant again but I am terrified to BE pregnant again... what if it happens again? Did something change in my body since my last baby? Did the few health issues I have had over the last couple years change my abilitity to carry??? etc etc etc These are the things that have already run through my mind, with less than a week since my D & C