2 years later and I'm still quite sad about how my first birth went, I was completely robbed of my experience, and that wasn't the worst part, my newborn baby suffered from it because of the morons working the floor that night. I really wanted an all natural birth, and got anything but.
my problems started with DD being in a bad position during labor, which caused sporadic, unstable contractions, so I broke down and asked for the epi after dealing I stopped dilating, was threatened with pictocin, and dealt with painful contractions every 20 seconds for 2 hrs straight. DD was facing sideways coming down the birth canal, which was never caught, and the doctors never even knew it was going on (actually I never even knew myself until I told my story to my now midwife, and she figured it out without even being there!) and got stuck twice on her way out, first her head, and then her shoulder. I was only pushing for 5 mins before they decided I needed help, not even a fair chance really, so they gave me a 3rd degree cut, pulled DD out with the vacuum and forceps, and broke her collar bone to get her out the rest of the way when she got stuck for the 2nd time
Just thinking about it now still ticks me off. For some reason they decided a student would be the best person to sew me back up after getting my cut, which took forever to finish, I didn't get to hold her because of that, DH got to hold DD first, actually, I didn't get to hold her until about 3 hrs after she was born because when I was ready to hold her and try to bf her, they decided I needed to get up from off the bed after being done receiving my stitches and go to the bathroom.
I had extra damage done to my insides after having the forceps shoved up in me that it took over a year after DD's birth to recover from until sex no longer hurt, and even DD suffered. The damage done to her neck from the forceps had ripped her delicate neck muscles, so she couldn't bf properly until my lactation consultant had helped us out for 4 weeks straight. Then DD had to take 5 months of physical therapy. She's alright now, you'd never even know by looking at her what she and I have been through, but really, who the hell wants to deal with all that crap during the first few months of your baby's life? That hospital was complete rubbish! I suffered from really bad post partum depression because of everything that had gone on, which also resulted in difficulty bonding with her for the longest time, and at the time we weren't even living close to family, so I had no one available to offer me some help or relief, I had to deal with everything all on my own.
I can honestly say it was the worst experience of my entire life, and although I am going through a midwife lead clinic that are very well educated on the birth process and have much more experience in labor, delivery and birth, I am still extremely nervous and paranoid about going through the same again, like a fear has been instilled within me, and the paranoia is so bad that I have been doing research non stop, doing exercises and baby positioning techniques daily just to avoid everything I mentioned above. Everyone says try not to worry, it won't happen again, but how can I not when I have only had a very negative experience to go off of?
I have tried to talk to my family and friends about my experience before, and they always just brush it off with the "don't worry about it, you and Nora survived, that's all that matters," response, and I know there is some truth to that, I am extremely grateful that my baby and I are still alive and well today, but that sort of answer just ticks me off, as if my feelings, fears, and the nightmare I endured doesn't matter.
I've been given a 2nd chance to try and achieve the birth experience I would like, I just pray that all my hard work, and the trust I have in my midwife pays off.
Anyway, sorry for the super long post! It really does feel better to rant about it sometimes
