How long?

Discussion in 'Miscarriage Support' started by DizzyJ, Nov 21, 2006.

  1. DizzyJ

    DizzyJ Well-Known Member

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    Just how long has it taken everyone to grieve? I'm not very good at grieving and crying and I think it has not helped me in coping. I know with my friends recent birth I am feeling very raw but everyone who has never suffered a miscarrige seems to think you should be able to get over it quickly.
     
  2. beatlesbaby66

    beatlesbaby66 Well-Known Member

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    there is no rule on how long or how hard people take a miscarriage....many people can bounce back and start trying straight away, others feel that they need to mourn the loss of their child and come to terms with that and recover completely emotionally before trying again.
    it took me quite a while to be able to walk around without crying at the site of a baby or a toddler, i didnt want my oh to touch me in that way, i just wanted someone to recognise that i had lost my child...
    you have to take each step at the time you want to take it, no-one can on should tell you when you should be over this, i dont think i will ever be over losing my bean...
    sorry if this doesnt help you honey, feel free to pm i am on just now...bxox
     
  3. Wobbles

    Wobbles BnB Co-Founder ~ Retired

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    I believe crying helps SO much Dizzy :hugs: Relax with yoru thoughts slouched on couch or cuddled up in bed with your duvet!

    Theres no rule on greiving.

    My experiences were so tough I ended up having to deal with it - What choice did I have type thing but we all cope with things differently.

    :hugs:
     
  4. beatlesbaby66

    beatlesbaby66 Well-Known Member

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    please dont feel your alone either, there are lots of lovely ladies on here who will listen to you honey...bxox
     
  5. loulou1980

    loulou1980 Well-Known Member

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    aww darling,although im trying again,i have good days and bad.i can cry just thinking about,and jealousy gnaws at me as i see people getting pregnant ,ecspecially if they dont deserve it.i feel that since this i have seemed to become a different person,i evaluate things differently and i seem to look at things in a whole new light.ie ive started realising that so called mates are users,but we wont even go there,as you can see we are all different and do things in our own time and way
     
  6. beatlesbaby66

    beatlesbaby66 Well-Known Member

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  7. ElliesMum

    ElliesMum Mum of 2

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    I worry that i'll never be the same again. But thinking that, i DONT WANT to be the same again. We lost Ellie on 6th Jan and i still dont think i've grieved for her properly. In the beginning i tried to carry on as normal. I didnt want to face the fact she was gone so i just didnt. I told myself i was still pregnant and carried on. Even through her funeral, although i sobbed uncontrollably, i still believed she would come back. I really couldnt accept i would never see her again. I was scared of crying cos then i would have to admit she was gone and even now nearly a year on i'm still the same. Yes i've had many many days where all i do is cry but those days are still happening. I am so emotional all the time. I only have to hear something silly, like someone singing a christmas carol and i'm in tears. I have Ellie on my mind constantly and i sometimes think i'm going mad. I wrote on here a while ago "A difficult situation", about my cousins wife due to have her baby any time soon and i worried about how i'd feel. We got the call half an hour ago to say she was in labour. It felt as if someone had ripped out my chest. The pain was so bad i couldnt breath. How selfish is that. Its not their fault we lost Ellie but i really cant be happy for them. I feel so angry. Angry that this has happened to us, angry that this ALWAYS happens to us.

    How long am i going to feel like this? Does it mean that i am still grieving? I know that grief is a long process and goes through different stages ie, sadness, anger, etc, but i just cant snap out of it. I talk about Ellie all the time. Its my dp's birthday this week and i've been out this morning and brought him a card from Ellie too.

    I was one of those people that would never go out of the house without make up on. I've not worn make up since Ellie was born cos i feel as if i am betraying her by making myself look nice. If i make myself look nice then she will think i've forgotten her. I used to wash and blow dry my hair every single day, now i couldnt care less. If i cant be bothered i just tie it up. Then i start feeling guilty about my dp. Its not fair on him for me to be like this but i cant help it. Its just how i feel.

    I'm so sorry for taking over this forum but once i got started i couldnt stop.
     
  8. beatlesbaby66

    beatlesbaby66 Well-Known Member

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    http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/ma2006/index.htm
    this is the web page for the miscarriage association honey, they offer counselling and courses in some local areas...this may be worth having a look at...my hosp recommended something similar up here, although i dont think i was as far along as you...
    please dont apologise for talking, talking and crying are the best tools for this...sometimes we just need someone not involved or in your family/friends circle to talk to aswell...bxox
     
  9. Iwantone!!!

    Iwantone!!! Well-Known Member

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    aaaaawwwwwwwww :hugs:
     
  10. DizzyJ

    DizzyJ Well-Known Member

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    everyone..... :hugs: and thanks for your kind words. Elliesmum please feel free to say all you want you are certaintly not taking over it's good to hear that I'm not the only one. (obviously not good in I'm happy someone else is sad iykwim)

    Sorry this is gonna be long........

    Right well I hope you don't mind but I should tell all you really why I am finding it so hard to grieve. It's because I don't feel like I have the right. Just before I got pregnant I decided to start looking after my health a bit more. I've already said befroe I have connor who's 8 and daisy who's 7 and I have suffered from High blood pressure for years and was given medication but I stopped taking it, but I got scared one day and thought I should sort this out as I want to continue being an active mum not one they end up seeing in bed with a stroke.

    So I went back to the docs and told him and he gave me more pills and I also quit smoking. Then I missed my period although we was not activly trying to concieve (another long story but I will save it for another time lol) we had not used precautions for nearly 18 months. So as soon as i took the test I booked in to see my gp to sort out my meds as I looked on the packet and it said do not take if pregnant or trying to concieve. So as soon as I walked onto his room and told him his face changed ( i was expecting a congratulations) and he said you need to think about this carefully as you have been on ACE inhibitors and they can cause serious defects. And then said at this stage I can give you a tablet and it would be over like having a heavy period. Well I burst into tears and said no! So he sent me home and said he would have to phone the medical boards (or something like this) to find out what to do exactly and what damage could happen. So I went home hysterical then when he called he told me that either as it was early any damage may be repaired or it would be so severe I would naturally miscarry. Then that weekend I had really bad pain,a bit of spotting and gastric so I went to the emergency docs and was booked in for a scan at the epu. So i went and they scanned me and although they could see the sac and a small dot inside it they said i was only about 5 weeks I should have been 6 by my lmp. So they said they would re scan me in 2 weeks and they got me to have a chat with the doc there about the ACE inhibitors. He told me it could cause heart problems or severe facial deformities and it would probably mean having a very detailed scan at a later date but he also said it could mean having to terminate the pregnancy at a much later date if the baby could not survive. So I went home and trailed the internet for info and from what I found it seemed that it may not have been that bad.

    So I tried to relax and get on with it and not think about all the negative things. So on the friday before my second scan we went to the seaside for the day as a family and it was breezy on the beach but warm in the sun. Anyway I fell asleep on the beach and got really burnt. By the time we got home i was really ill with sunstroke. Then on the saturday I started spotting again. When they scanned me on the monday although the sac had grown there was no baby. So they said I would have to have my bloods taken to see if my hormone levels were dropping. I said ok but I said if this pregnancy is over I wanted a erpc as the midwife said it could take up to 3 weeks for things to happen naturally and I knew for my own mental health and for the sake of my family I could not sit around waiting wondering if today was the day (and also if I'm honest I was really scared of what would happen and being in pain and on my own). So i asked if they could do it asap. So she promised me that when I came back on the wed if my levels had dropped they could probably book me in for the same day or next. My first bloods were over 19,000 on wednesday they had dropped by less that 1000 so they said i had to have more bloods on friday as they wanted a bigger drop than that and if they had come down I was looking at the monday for erpc. I was so distraught. I knew my baby had died and just wanted it over with. I told myself as soon as i have the erpc I would start to heal. My gp even phoned them up and tried to get it done before but i still had this wait. I did eventually have the erpc on the monday.

    The thing is now I cannot help but think if I had not taken those meds or was stupid enough to get sunstroke we would have had a chance. Others have said I was lucky as I could have gone further and connor and daisy would have known and got excited just to find out the baby could not survive, in other words it could have been a lot worse. Ans deep down I know they are right but I just wanna tell them to f*** off.

    Right, well that's my story and I'm sorry it goes on a bit I just needed this off my chest. I'll try not to post things this long again LOL
     
  11. sophie

    sophie Mum of 2 pg with no3!

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    awww hun im so sorry for what u went and are goin through. Its not easy i know, i had a m/c this year in april i should have been 14 wks at the time, and to be honest im still not over it! i have days where im fine and days where i just want to cry all day!! It has changed me as a person in a very big way. the pains easier now but its still there!!
    I think u should allow yourself time to greive and please dont blame yourself for any off it, the day my baby died is the day me an my OH had fallen out really bad an i really stressed myself out about it, an i off course blamed myself for the m/c, this made things ten times worse as my pain was blame an i couldn't greive properly! A m/c happens for a reason is what i believe now and its of no fault to anyone
    sory for waffling :oops: :hugs:
     
  12. beatlesbaby66

    beatlesbaby66 Well-Known Member

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    aaaw darling, nothing i can say is going to make it any easier, and you have every right to mourn for you child...please dont feel you cant do long posts, theres no rule against it a far as i know...if you need to talk you talk, if you need to cry you cry, theres no rules for any of this...
    all my thoughts and prayers are with you both...bxox
     

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