How to announce a pregnancy after a family member miscarriage?

[Treblegirl]

Does anyone have any advice for me on this? Here is my situation.

I found out I was pregnant a little while ago and had my first ultrasound a few weeks ago. I decided the best time to announce to my family was on Feb 1 because we were having my birthday party and everyone would be in one place.

The day before the party I got a call from my aunt telling me that my uncle was not going to be there because his wife had just had a miscarriage a few days before. I was blown away by this as I hadn't even known she was pregnant to begin with. I decided then not to announce anything about my pregnancy yet.

I want to know if it seems insensitive to announce to my family now after the loss.

Some backstory.... My uncle just married her in Nov 2013. I do not know her very well but she seems quiet and polite and very very nice. I also know that she was very hurt by this miscarriage. (they are having a funeral for the baby [she was 9 weeks along] and she is very depressed right now).

I dont want to come across as inconsiderate but I am very excited about this and can hardly keep it to myself.

Has anyone gone through this before that can help me?

 

[2have4kids]

Would you ever consider popping in to speak to her, give her hugs, tell her you wanted to let her know in person you're pregnant and going to announce to the family soon and didn't want it to impact her negatively or be a shock seeing what she's just been through? Personal chats are always so much better and this might also be a good way to get to know her better, a kind welcome to the family.
After 2 yrs of ttc we finally got pregnant naturally in sept 2012 and mc'd at nearly 9 weeks. I wasn't as emotional as this lady but i couldn't be happy for others who were pregnant. I think for me a face to face is the way to go but you decide if in-persin or e-mail is more appropriate.

Congrats on your bfp and best of luck with your announcement.

 

[Emily2630]

Speaking from personal experience, having had two miscarriages prior to this pregnancy-- it was extremely difficult and seeing other pregnant women was the most upsetting for me. Obviously this is not your fault and you should still be excited, but just try to be sensitive of what she's going through. I know I wouldn't have wanted a telephone call from someone announcing a pregnancy-- too upsetting. I would recommend emailing her to tell her and be very brief but explain how sorry you are for her loss and you wanted her to hear it from you. Good luck.

 

[PugLuvAh]

I agree with Emily2630,

As someone who took over a year to conceive and then to lose the baby in a miscarriage, the last thing I wanted to see/hear was someone else celebrating the baby that I didn't have anymore. Its completely devastating. Its nothing against you, and at some point she might be able to be happy for you, but just not right now.

I would not have appreciated an in-person or telephone notification. I would have rathered an email, so that I could process the information, likely cry some more, and could give you my congratulations when I felt ready. Just realize and please take no offense that she may not be ready for a long, long time.

I would send her a note to say that you are very sorry for her loss. I would mention to her, before you send out some big announcement to everyone else, that you are pregnant and you understand that might not be something she wants to celebrate or participate in at the moment, but wanted her to know. That way she won't be bombarded with family/facebook/etc baby-talk. She can avoid the situation entirely or at least be mentally prepared for it.

Congratulations on the pregnancy and its really nice that you are being so considerate of your uncle's wife's feelings.

 

[sprite30]

I'm in a similar situation but mine is a little different in that a good friend of mine is going through infertility issues and we kind of bonded over our misery together. It's killing me not to tell her right now but dh says to wait until we announce it to everyone just in case anything happens he doesn't think she needs the stress right now. I felt bad tho as she's always asking me how things are going so I'm having to avoid her right now and it's killing me. I think when we do announce it she will be the first person I tell and I will def be sending her a text so that she has time to process it before she has to put on a smile for me.

My sil had a miscarriage in September and when her brother announced that his new girlfriend was pregnant (and he's still married to his ex) I thought she was going to flip out. She was very sarcastic and angry the whole party it was not fun for the rest of us. So I'm sure by now when I announce my pregnancy she might have had enough time to get used to the fact that the rest of us need to keep living our lives but I will def be telling her in person alone days before I announce it to others. Group settings might not always go as planned

 

[Tasha]

I am just going through my 15th miscarriage and I think from the answers above you can see there isn't a real right way to do things. For myself I would really appreciate bring told first so that I was prepared for the announcement as people do check out my reaction. I think as your not close a personal visit isn't exactly the best idea as she will struggle not to cry in front of you but may not want to but IMO an email is too impersonal. I would write a hand written note to your uncle and his wife, I would say how sorry you are for their loss and how their little star will always be in your heart. I would then explain you are pregnant and that you wanted to let them know before announcing so that it wasn't just something they heard along the grape vine as you appreciate that it may well hurt them. Explain that you know that right now they may not feel able to see you and that you want to give them as much time and space as they need.

Finally I want to say thank you for caring how they feel, it's easy to get caught up in your own excitement so it's really special that you even made this thread

 

[2have4kids]

I am just going through my 15th miscarriage

I'm so sorry you're going through this, 15 losses is far too many
I love the idea of a hand written note, kind of strikes a nice balance between email & in-person.

 

[Treblegirl]

I want to thank all of you. Especially those who have had a miscarriage. This is my first and I cannot imagine how hard it must be and the insight really helps. I went to the funeral this afternoon and got their address, phone number and email. I think a letter is a good idea. I have a card I was going to send and I can pop this in there. I thought I was going to be found out today but so far its still in the dark. Thanks everyone!

 

[Honeybumbum]

I would wait a little bit until you reveal your pregnancy. I made the mistake of revealing the news about my pregnancy too soon after my sisters miscarrige and I could tell it hurt her very much, as if I were rubbing it in her face.

 

[floridamomma]

id say send a card or call if your not too close. I found out I lost my baby the day my sister did her gender reveal. it was the worst day of my life. I ove my sister and my nephew but it was hard losing my little one that day. in her defense she was going to cancel it for me but I told her she was to do no such thing. but I appreciated her effort and yours