How to announce pg to someone LTTTC? Advice Needed.

[I Love Lucy]

I have a relative who has been LTTTC for 4+ years. She has confided in me a few times about how hard it is on her to see pg women. Well OH and I started TTC a few months ago and with the hope that she would fall pg before us. That didn't happen and now I'm expecting and she's still trying. My question is how do I tell her the news?

The only thing I can think of to do is to tell her privately before we announce to the rest of the family. However, I'm a bit at a loss on what to say. I realize it's going to be hard on her to hear I'm pg but I want to minimize that hurt as much as possible.

I figured you ladies would be able to help me the most. What would you want someone to say to you?

Thanks for any advice and I really hope none of you think I'm being insensitive. That is not my intention at all.

 

[mizuno]

first of all, congratulations!!
i don't think you are being insensitive at all. It's really nice of you to consider her feelings.

I guess everyone is different and you never know how she would prefer to find out, but I would suggest definitely telling her in private, before you announce it to everyone else. I would also suggest not making a reference to her struggle (like saying " i know you've been trying for a while, but I have some news"). Just simply tell her you're pregnant and don't dwell on it. Make a bit of chit chat about it and then let it go. I know it may sound insensitive, but she probably does not want to talk about it in any detail.

No matter how you say it, chances are she'll be happy for you but at the same time sad for herself - and she might even feel bad and guilty about feeling that way - trust me, I've been through it. However, the WORST thing you can do is pity her. I think all of us who are LTTTC do not want to be pitied because even though it may be meant in the nicest way, it may come off as being patronizing.

So, that's just my opinion, perhaps I'm way off base.

have a happy and healthy 9 months!

 

[Needababynow]

I went through this with my best friend. She knew I'd been trying for a while and how I felt about other people getting pregnant (at the time I was selfish and didn't want anyone to have a baby if I couldn't). Anyways she told me before they started ttc (in preparation I suppose). When she got her bfp she told me in private and was not giddy about it. I was truly happy for her! I was still sad for me but super excited for her.

I think it's amazing for you to be thinking of her that way, and she will appreciate that. She will be disappointed in her own situation either way. Just tell her and she'll be happy for you.

I hope it goes well and Congratulations!

 

[I Love Lucy]

mizuno, thanks for the suggestion on not making a referance to her struggle. If you hadn't made that suggestion I probably would have. Also, I've already been trying to make it clear to the few family members that do know that I don't want my pg to be the sole topic of conversation. I'm excited and I understand everyone else is too but I don't want my cousin to have to endure all the pg talk at family events.

Needababynow, thank you for your suggestions as well.

I plan to deliver the news tomorrow after my doctors appointment if everything goes well so she has time to prepare herself before I deliver the news to everyone else.

If anyone else has suggestions or advice please post them.

 

[minties]

What a good friend you are!

I LTTTC for 8 years, and was pretty lucky in that time as there was only 2 pregnancies announced to me by friends/family.

The first time was the worst as I was having a miscarriage, and the person I asked to take me to the doctor I confided in, and she cheerily announced and rubbed in my face that her 16 year old grand daughter was pregnant (to get out of going to school). That was really bad.

The second time it was my aunt and auncle. They were overseas at the time, but told me first in a lovely email. It was really nice, made me feel involved and happy for them. They were really sensitive to my struggle and I really appreciated it. I'll see if I can find the email for you, but it was brief and kind, I was still upset, but it was much nicer than finding out through someone else.

 

[arizonagal]

I've had a few friends announce their pregnancies and it did hurt... But telling her first and saying something like you wanted to tell her first because you appreciate her would be great! I actually had a good friend just have her second child and she asked me to be a godparent, it really meant a lot and made me so happy for her and not jealous. I'm not sure your religious beliefs or the situation but maybe that would work for you?

 

[I Love Lucy]

minties, I can't imagine hearing that first pregnancy announcement would be easy to hear for a lot of people. Especially with her reasoning for getting pg being so she didn't have to go to school.

If you could find the e-mail and don't mind sharing it, that would be great. E-mail is the route I have to go because we live in different states and I'm struggling to word it in a good way.

arizonagal, thank you for your suggestion. OH and I haven't discussed whether we will have godparents or not but if we do it would be lovely to ask her.

 

[wristwatch24]

I think it's really sweet that you want to approach her in a sensitive way. It really shows how much you care about her.

I can honestly say that no matter how anyone tells me, I'm going to cry and feel upset. But ultimately I appreciate when someone makes the effort to be sensitive about it. My best friend got pregnant after her first month trying, and it was about 6 months into my struggle. I don't think she handled it right, even though she tried to. She basically texted me and said "Baby __(last name)__ is on the way!" and then followed up with a "I know that was probably hard for you to hear, but I'm praying for you" I would have appreciated a different order than "YAY LOOK AT MY AWESOME NEWS, oh and I'm sorry that you're not knocked up yet"

I disagree that you shouldn't refer to her struggle. I think something short and sweet would be okay, to acknowledge that you do know that she has been trying and that you wanted to tell her first so she could process it.

Good luck.

 

[karenh]

I agree that is really sweet of you to be concerned about her feelings. My hubby and I have been ttc for 5 1/2 years. My little sister is preggers and she got preggers right after going off the pill. It was hard when she told us but I got over that really quickly. However, what is hard now is she is leaving me out of everything. She talks to my other sister about everything that is going on, but won't talk to me about it at all. I am sure she is trying to spare my feelings, but don't leave her out either.

 

[I Love Lucy]

Karen, I was thinking of letting my cousin choose how much involvement she wants to have in it. I certainly don't want to leave her out if she wants to hear all about it nor do I want to tell her all about it if she doesn't want to know. I figure the only way I can know what to do is ask what is easier for her. I just feel like the hardest thing is making it clear that I understand and support whatever decisions she needs to make regarding my pg so she doesn't feel obligated to be involved if it's only going to make things more difficult for her iykwim?

 

[wanna_bump]

my best friend fell pregnant by 'accident' and she told me on skype as she wasnt living locally. She knew I had been trying a while and getting increasingly frustrated. I felt a bit upset as I knew it wasnt really in her plan but after a while I begun asking questions (she never talked about it unless I initiated conversation) I started getting excited and buying things for her, she even asked me to be her birth partner. She now has an 8 month old son who I adore (and im still trying) What im trying to say is she might be upset at first but she will come round eventually x

 

[uwa_amanda]

I only wish I had friends that were as considerate as you are. I would definitely take these other girls' advice on pulling her to the side and talking to her about it, letting her initiate the conversations, etc. Who knows...she may end up being as excited as you are once the initial shock wears off. My best friend knows not to bring up the subject unless I initiate it because she may catch me on a bad day and I may end up getting off the phone crying about it. By letting me initiate the conversations, I can have control over how long, how much, and/or how little I want to talk about in my infertility battle. It kept coming up in conversations and one night I was talking to her when she started wanting to talk about it. I had just found out that yet another Clomid cycle failed that day. After that, I decided to talk to her and my other friend and let both of them know to please not bring up the topic unless I do. I don't want them to feel like they are the ones that upset me, when it's really me being upset/angry/frustrated at myself. Especially after having gone through the roller coaster that Clomid can put you on (moodiness, hot flashes, emotional swings from hell...) to find out that it didn't work again.

You'll have to come back on here and let us know how your friend took the news. to you and congratulations on your wonderful news!

 

[Cetarari]

I've been on the other side of the situation, 5 years ttc before I got pregnant via IVF and in my case it was always easier if the person announcing didn't spring it on me and had a quiet word beforehand. After you've told take your cues from your friend. I would always bring up the baby with my friend and was happy to chat about him, but she always let me start the conversation so if I was having a bad day (af arrived or similar) I could avoid the conversation.

We lost our daughter in January at 23 weeks and although it's not quite the same thing, there were eggshells to walk on, on both sides because my step-sister was due 2 days after we would have been. It was awkward there for a while, but between us we managed to navigate through it without either of us having a breakdown. We texted to start with (I didn't want to cry on the phone, the last thing I wanted was to upset her more than she already was) and then chatted when we were both ready. She was terrified of upsetting me, and me her.

 

[xxshellsxx]

When my BFF found out she was PG she came to me first and i really appreciated that. She didn't talk about her PG often or for long, she was really sensitive to my feelings (which were totally mixed up over it). Don't get me wrong we talked about it i rubbed her belly and loved to feel him kick and i watched out for her 100%. She also asked me to be her sons godmother (i have 6 godsons!) He's such a character lol We didn't see each other sometimes but she never questioned why, she just knew that that day was hard for me to cope with and let me be by myself. Give your cousin time and space afterwards. My BFF is now expecting #2 in the next 4 weeks!

How not to do it:

Go to a family party on new years day for your aunts birthday, have ALL your family there with their kids and then have your aunt announce she's going to a ganny as your YOUNGEST (12 years younger than me) cousin is expecting! I said my congratulations and left before i could no longer control the tears.... and then cried all the way home.

 

[Sizzles]

When my BFF found out she was PG she came to me first and i really appreciated that. She didn't talk about her PG often or for long, she was really sensitive to my feelings (which were totally mixed up over it). Don't get me wrong we talked about it i rubbed her belly and loved to feel him kick and i watched out for her 100%. She also asked me to be her sons godmother (i have 6 godsons!) He's such a character lol We didn't see each other sometimes but she never questioned why, she just knew that that day was hard for me to cope with and let me be by myself. Give your cousin time and space afterwards. My BFF is now expecting #2 in the next 4 weeks!

How not to do it:

Go to a family party on new years day for your aunts birthday, have ALL your family there with their kids and then have your aunt announce she's going to a ganny as your YOUNGEST (12 years younger than me) cousin is expecting! I said my congratulations and left before i could no longer control the tears.... and then cried all the way home.

I think those 'big' announcements are all very well and goodness knows I've spent a long while looking at such announcements on Youtube. However, they don't take into consideration any people there who might struggle with the announcement.

I Love Lucy, I think your sensitivity is commendable and I thank you on behalf of all ltttc-ers.

I've had 2 close friends fall pg (and subsequently have gorgeous babies) since we've been trying. Luckily for me on both counts, they knew we were trying and so the announcement was made one on one in a low key way. I really appreciated it, was genuinely happy for them, asked Qs etc. but later on I did cry and feel self-pitying. When you've been in this situation that is ltttc every pg announcement is tinged with sadness, no matter how happy for the expectant mum/couple you are (at least that's how I feel.)

Good luck and let us know how you get on! Oh, and CONGRATULATIONS!

 

[uwa_amanda]

I was all for a huge announcement since it would be my parents' first grandchild and all but after what hell we've been through, if that day ever comes I'm going to do the one on one thing. No big party or holiday announcement for me!

 

[I Love Lucy]

Well I've sent the e-mail since I live too far away to tell her face to face. I figured e-mail would be easier instead of a phone call. Especially if she needs to take some time out to cry. I figured if we were on the phone and she started crying it would only make her feel bad since I know y'all have explained that she isn't upset about me being pg but more so sad for herself. I've also told her that I don't want her to feel obligated to talk about it if she doesn't want to and said I wouldn't bring it up unless she started talking about it first. As you ladies have pointed out, some days are going to be good and some days are going to bad for her and I certainly don't want her stressed thinking I'm just going to talk about baby stuff all the time without any consideration for her feelings. Lastly, I told her that I understand and support whatever decisions she makes regarding my pg (meaning whether she wants to be involved, whether she doesn't want to talk about it at all, etc.). I think that I covered most of the stuff y'all had suggested while keeping it brief. So I guess now I just wait and see if she e-mails back. I'm assuming she might need a couple days to take in the news before sending anything back? Would that be a wrong assumption?

 

[uwa_amanda]

That is definitely not a wrong assumption. I actually think it would be better for her not to for a couple of days so she can sort her emotions out. Women are definitely emotional creatures and I have ran into instances myself where I let my emotions take over instead of taking a breather so to speak.

I think your friend is very lucky to have a friend like you. You are a thoughtful person to seek advice on how to handle this and consider her feelings and all.

 

[I Love Lucy]

My cousin e-mailed me back today and told me how excited she was for me and how much she appreciated my e-mail. She also explained that she cried and was upset but because of her own situation like you guys explained. She also warned that, that kind of reaction may happen again when she sees me or the future baby because she was worried if that happened that I might be upset. I told her I can't understand what it's like to LTTTC because I haven't been through it but I would never think less of her or judge her for feeling what she feels. I hope that helps her know that I'm okay with whatever emotions she has to go through and that she doesn't have to worry about offending me.

You ladies have made such a difference! I know I can't ever truly understand LTTTC but I feel like you guys have helped me understand it as well as I can.

I hope my cousin and you lovely ladies all get your very much deserved BFP's soon.