How to best support someone who has mc...?

[Peanut78]

Dear Ladies, I hope you don't mind me posting here, I am looking for some advice...
My SIL had a mc yesterday morning (I still don't know the full details of what happened) .
I was wondering what is the best way I can support her...? I am currently pg as well (only 5 weeks ahead of what she was), which I guess adds an even more sensitive dimension to it.
Is there any "right" way to go about this? I want to be sure I don't make things any worse for her, but also want her to know that we are here for her 100%.

 

[honey08]

hi ya hun, when i mmc i only had OH but he was great, but i think i needed time on me own aswell, it will upset her cos ur pg hun, cos it will remind her wot shes lost,but then on the other hand a mate of mine told me she was pg a wk later and i was fine with it, just listern to her if she wants to talk hun n just be a friend xxx

 

[MrsJD]

Oh Peanut78 sorry to hear this! As Honey08 says, just listen if she wants to talk.

 

[ellie]

oh no ... what sad news. it will be difficult for her and she may not want to see you (I know I didn't want to see anyone who was pg or had babies for ages afterwards) but it's about the pg and not about you ... but if she does, just listen if she wants to talk, or distract her if she wants distraction ... you could ask her how you could help?

 

[charveyron]

Sorry for her loss - Just try to be there for her, if she wants to talk about it then let her, if she doesn't then don't, and as other posts have said she may be a bit upset because you're pregnant, it's a hard situation for everyone xxx

 

[becky77]

What an awful situation, as the others said just be there try not to talk about your pregnancy unless she wants to, let her know your there for her when she needs you, and dont be offended if she avoids you it really is not personal, its just very hard to faced with what you have lost.
she is lucky to have somebody who cares like you do.

 

[mugzy]

So sorry to hear this

I think give her a call and tell her that you understand if she needs space but you want her to know that you're there for her. My nephew was born 2 weeks before I lost my son, and my SIL told me that she understood if I didn't want to see him, which just made it so much easier for me. As it turns out it didn't bother me to see him, but it helped to know that if it was bothering me, she wouldn't be offended if I said it was too much.

Thinking of you and your family

 

[Orange lady]

Hi-ya
so sorry to hear this news.
I can only really echo what the others have said. But i will say, for goodness sake don't avoid her. Even if you don't know what to say. My pg friend avoided me and didn't respond to my emails/texts for weeks after my mmc. It just made me feel like I'd done something wrong.

 

[haaza123]

Hello so sorry for your SIL's loss.
Just be there for her, thats what i needed the most. I got annoyed and it hurt the most when people gave their opinions such as 'it wasnt meant to be' etc. When she's ready to talk, just listen to her and dont feel afraid.

to both of you.

 

[JASMAK]

Be there for her. Acknowledge her pregnancy. Someone sent me a card and wrote..."I am so very sorry for your loss, I know how much you wanted that baby." I cried and cried...it was exactly right. I wanted my baby, and this person acknowledge that, and took the time to get a card. It was the best thing anyone ever did, and, funnily enough, it was from a co-worker whom I didn't know well.

 

[BurtonBaby]

I agree with the other girls, its going to be very hard. I haven't been able to be around other pregnant women. I was at the grocery store and started crying because I saw a pregnant woman.. Dont discuss your pregnancy unless she inquires about it. And I can not agree more, dont give your opinion on why she miscarried. Everyone did this with me, "It wasn't your time" "It wasn't meant to be" "You already have a beautiful daughter" "You dont NEED another child right now". These things hurt so much, even though they were said with good intentions (I think).. Just tell her that you are here for her if she needs anything, even just someone to cry on. Thats what my bff did, and it meant so much. I was able to tell her I wasn't ready to talk yet, and she respected that.

I'm so sorry for your SIL.

 

[Pyrrhic]

I would let her know you are there for her, but don't try to get her to talk.

When I lost me baby I just cut myself off and locked away all my feelings. I've never spoken to anyone about what happened, not even my OH (happened before I met him). 6 years on I still can't talk about it. nor do I want to. However I think letting her know you are there for her is a good idea.

 

[benjwool]

Well, I am in the exact reverse of your situation. I miscarried at 17 weeks and my SIL was a few weeks behind me. I was glad that she was able to be there for me, even though I know she felt guilty. She called me on the phone, we cried together....it really helped.

But, like others say don't avoid her and understand if she needs to avoid you a little. Try not to take it personally if she can't see you, people aren't themselves when they are hurting.

Although I talked to my SIL and told her not to be worried about telling me about her pregnancy, she lives far enough away that I didn't need to see her pregnant. Now we are supposed to get together when I was due and she is still going to be pregnant. She told me she understood if that was going to be difficult for all of us.

So, just be there for her. The mere fact that you are seeking advice in order to help her out and are sensitive to the whole situation means you'll handle it better than most others would.

Good luck to both of you and congratulations on your pregnancy!

 

[born2Bmama]

I agree with what so many have said. Do not avoid her. It will mean so much to her if you acknowlege not only her loss but the life of her baby. Her baby was real to her and she is probably afraid it will be dismissed and forgotten. let her know you are there to support her and be upfront about the fact that you understand your pregnancy might be hard for her to see and hear about right now. It will help lessen any hurt feelings. Let her decide what she is comfortable with. Her need for support may be stronger than her feelings about your pregnancy.
Continue to be sensitive to her in the future. Remember her baby's due date and offer support then. It will mean alot to her that you remembered that this will be a difficult time for her. Especially if your baby has arrived or will be arriving soon she might be feeling forgotten.
It is a difficult situation but is always better to offer your sympathy and support in any way you can than not to. Hope this helps.