How to cope with a still birth?

[Angelmarie]

Hi, I was just wondering if any of you ladies who have had stillbirths could offer me any advice please?

Last year my sister in law lost her baby boy, Alfie, at 29 weeks. The doctors said it was caused by the cord getting wrapped round his neck as it was too long which was just bad luck that it happened to her as, although rare it is not unheard of.

She fell pregnant again and they kept a close eye on her with appointments every two weeks. They decided to induce her at 38 weeks so she didn't worry with the lack of movement towards the end. She was taken in on Thursday with little progress being made until Friday morning when her waters broke. On the evening she was 6cm dilated but should have been 8 so they estimated about 5am she would be born. The babies heart rate dipped right down to nearly nothing at some points and my sister kept getting this stabbing pain so bad it was causing her to consistently vomit. That cant be normal?!? They
decided to do a caesarian but didn't class her as am emergency (?!?!?!?!) so kept slotting other women in before her.

At about 9am she gave birth to Esme. They tried for 20 minutes to get her heart working but couldn't. How could this happen? This screams incompetence on the part of the hospital to me (something very similar happened to me at a different hospital and they whisked me off for a section in about 5 mins flat!). Surely (and especially with her track record) they should have done more? The doctors aren't offering any ideas as to how it happened just that they will be 'investigating and examining everything in a view to giving answers'.

My question really is how the hell do you cope with this? I had a miscarriage last week at 6 weeks which made me feel so depressed and yet I cant even comprehend how my sis will be feeling or how she is going to start to get over this? Does anybody have any advice? Anything that I could say to her? Etc. I feel so helpless. Any advice you can offer would be gratefully accepted.

Thank you and sorry for the sad story.

 

[Rachsi]

That really is a sad story, yes they should have done more, & you will always think she may have lived had she been born earlier.

The only thing i can say is be there & listen to her when she wants to talk, it will be a long road for her & partner.

My thoughts are there for them,

So sad

xx

 

[Uvlollypop]

i dont know how i coped hun, i just kept going and tried to move on.

right now the best thing you can do is hold her and let her cry until shes ready to stop.....


take care if i can help or you want to talk pm me

xx

 

[todteach]

Oh hun.........my heart goes out to her and her/your whole family.

 

[Angelmarie]

Thanks for your kind words guys... It still doesn't seem real. Not until yesterday did I properly understand the sentiment that some things are so unbelievable that they seem like a dream. SO surreal. I don't think it has sunk in with any of us yet.

Thanks again. Can always rely on you guys to be supportive!

 

[v2007]

Hi.

Im so sorry.

I had a stillbirth last yr, the same reason your SIL sons died of, my daughter also got her cord wrapped around her neck, 6 times. she was 40 wks exact.
It was just bad luck.

They also reviewed procedures etc after Taylor died, but sadly it dosent change anything.

Your SILs 2nd labour screams of incompetence. They shud have sectioned her as soon as babys heartrate dipped to hardly anything.
I dont know what to say, there is a forum salled SANDS that is for bereved families who have suffered stillbirth.
I hope that helps.

Im so sorry that this has happened, please pass on my condolences.

Victoria x x x

 

[Suzanne]

That really is so sad hun! I cant believe that with her history and with what was happening at the time they didnt classs her as an emergency that is just insane! I hope that is properly investigated hun I really do! Thankfuly I have NEVER experienced anything close to this so cant help on how you cope with it, all I can say is the old age "time is a great healer" because it truly is! I hope your SIL is able to grieve for baby Esme, I know many poeple just shut themselves off from everyone and everything, be there for her, support her, hold her, let her cry these are all things she needs right now!

My thoughts are with you and your family hun as you all grieve for Esme

 

[NickyT75]

This is so sad, I just wanted to give you a big hug xx

 

[jacky24]

Im so sorry for your sisters loss and also your m/c hun.

The only way i coped with losing my son was having my OH by my side, the first 3days after giving birth i was in a coma and when i woke up for about 2weeks after i was in this huge nightmare, the day of the funeral it all only sank in what had happened. You never really deal with it but you cope with it, and it gets beter each day as the days pass.

All you can do is listen, it helps i know when i just need to get it all out and talking makes me feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and heart when i can tell CJ's story....

 

[biteable]

Just want to send my condolences to you and your family,big hugs bein sent to you xx

 

[indy and lara]

I am so sorry to read your post. The situation is just awful and like the others, I just cant believe that this happened again.

Our son was born at 23 weeks in january. He had crushed his cord and this sent me into early labour. Bobo was alive for 18 hours of my labour and died 6 hours before he was finally born. My dh was with me throughout and it has changed our lives forever.

We had support- huge support- from the bereavement counsellor at the hospital. Without her, we would just not have got through it. As someone else said there is also a SANDS website where people are very supportive and empathic, having been through it themselves.

Hoping gentler days are on the horizon

Lesley

 

[Jemma_x]

I gave birth to my daughter in july at 21+3 so she was really earlier and she did live for 15 minutes so i know its not exactly the same as a still birth but in a way i can understand how your SIL is feeling. When my daughter died i felt like my heart had been ripped apart and i still do, i dont think anyone actually copes, i think everyone has to grieve in there own way.

All my thoughts are with her/your family

Jemma x

 

[angelmummy]

i lost my baby kieran at 39+6 in february this year. the only advice i can really give is let her talk and talk as much as she wants. i know even now i talk about what happened all the time and although its hard to talk sometimes and the tears flow it does help to talk. its coming up 6 months for me and all i can say is the pain has not gone at all, i am trying to learn to live with it. i find i feel so alone and isolated and that this has only happened to me (although i know thousands suffer too) but i mean amongst freinds and family i am the only one. i am sure she will have many emotions of shock, numbness, disbelief, anger, sadness, and even guilt as silly as that sounds. i am so sorry that our sil is suffering in this way again. Thinking of you all at this terribly difficult time. As some have said maybe when she feels ready she could contact sands. Just let her cry as much as she needs to and talk about her precious babies. i like to talk about kieran although many people dont know what to say to me and dont like to mention him, but when people mention him to me it helps and i feel better that my son is being acknowledged. It is a horrible rollercoaster of emtions you can be up and down from one minute to the next. maybe they could be referred to a counsellor. i see a bereavement counsellor and dont know what i would do without her. it is a long journey and people say to me time will heal but unfortunately as i am still on the long journey i cant comment on if this is true yet. all i can say is keep in touch with her, even though you may feel she wants to be left alone keep in contact as when people did avoided me it upset me more. My thoughts are with your sil. hope this post has not offended anyone.

 

[LaDY]

Aww hunny thats so sad...sending you all lots of love xxx

 

[cheeselover]

I have goosebumps and tears in my eyes just reading this. I am so so sorry - sending positive vibes and ju jus your way. I really don't how anyone can cope with this amount of grief and heartache and my heart goes out to your SIL and you and your family XXX

 

[Visqueen]

I am really sorry for all what your family have been through. I wish I could offer some words which could help you all. All I can say is take care and be there for each other.

 

[WelshGirl]

I am so sorry for what your SIL has had to go through.

We lost our first child, William, at 28 weeks in january this year, as he got tangled in the cord & this cut his oxygen supply off.

The only advice I can give has already been said - just be there for her, let her cry, let her scream, let her be angry.....the one thing I hate is when people tell me I shouldn't feel a certain way.....no-one can tell your SIL how to feel, so just accept the many feelings & emotions she will be going through.

The other thing I hate is when people don't acknowledge my son - he was, and always will be, my first child. I am lucky enought to be pg again, and it breaks my heart when people say I must be excited about being a mum for the 1st time.....yet I already consider myself to be a mummy. Your SIL is a mummy to 2 precious children.....if you can, remember the days when each child was due, and the days on which they were actually delivered, and try to find a way to acknowledge the days.

Make her aware of the website which has been my lifeline - www.uk-sands.co.uk ...(sands stands for Stillbirth & neo-natal death society). Everybody on there has been through a loss of some kind, and I truely don't know what I'd have done without it.

Sorry that I've written such an essay...if I can help any more, please pm me...

xx xx