How to cope with jealousy?

[NannySarah]

Hello ladies!

Anyone have any good coping mechanisms to deal with intense jealousy? Besides a bottle or two of wine!

I've learned to deal with strangers/acquaintances/Facebook friends being pregnant, mostly by avoiding them, but now one of my best friends (who doesn't really want kids and was told she might be infertile) has gotten pregnant after just 1 MONTH ttc, and my other best friend is about to have IVF in a few days, and will most likely become pregnant. While I am happy for both of them, especially my bff who has struggled with infertility almost as long as I have, I can't help but feel devastated and angry that I will be the last one to get pregnant (if ever), even though I've been trying the longest!!

Any advice is appreciated, or feel free to vent if any of you are experiencing similar feelings so I don't feel like the only A-hole here!

 

[Firefly Skies]

The only advice I have to give is take care of yourself. Take your own mental health day if you need to, and do something for yourself. Make it a home-made spa day: take a bath by candlelight, do your nails, make yourself something delicious.

Focus on things you want to accomplish in your life that you can accomplish in your life. When I feel jealous of other people, I really just feel upset over my own loss of control over the whole baby situation. In that way, it helps me a LOT to focus on what I need to change elsewhere in my life to be a happier person. It helps to focus on things I CAN change, things I CAN accomplish, that I don't have to hope and wait for.

It's okay to feel the way you do. And if you need some space, I also think it's acceptable to let your friends know that you absolutely love and support them, but you need some time to take care of yourself right now. It's better than repressing those feelings, and lashing out in other ways that aren't healthy.

Good luck and take care.

 

[CaliDreaming]

Firefly gave excellent, excellent advice.

I remember how all-consuming the feelings of jealousy were when I was TTC. Be kind to yourself and realize these feelings are entirely normal and expected. Don't beat yourself up for having them. When I was going through my struggle, I hated myself for being so jealous of my brother and SIL both times they were expecting.

The saddest thing is that people who haven't had to struggle TTC generally do not understand what it's like and sometimes judge you for being jealous. Be sure to find support where you can from people who are sympathetic to your struggle.

I don't think there is any way to rid yourself of these feelings. Even after going on to have two children, every now and then I STILL feel pangs of jealousy at people who get pregnant easily.

Look out for yourself and if events like baby showers and such are unbearable, don't feel bad about either not going or just making an appearance if you can't get out of it. You don't need to go out of your way to pretend you're okay if you're really not. Just try not to take out your feelings on others unfairly.

 

[BelleNuit]

I can relate to that intense jealousy. I've lost friendships over it unfortunately

But I have found something that really helped. I have started researching the benefits of a childfree life. I don't think having a baby would necessarily make me happier as a person, and I think there are lots of ways that I could lead a meaningful life. Sure having children is a great life adventure and it is something that I would love to get to experience... but it also makes it difficult to pursue any other life adventure afterwards. I've been trying to view my infertility from a positive place. I'm not missing out on something they have, rather I get to experience/do a lot of awesome things that they don't get to anymore. When you flip the perspective like that you start to think that they're the ones who should be jealous of you! Looking at it this way has been really powerful for me dealing with my infertility. I know I haven't been trying nearly as long as you, and I'm new to the infertility world, but I can't help but feel like I'm going to be here for awhile. I'm just trying to accept that I will be okay with either outcome and that I can be happy with my life with either outcome

 

[satelitesally]

BelleNuit I try the same thing all the time, but I really can't lie to myself, I feel like I was born to be a mother! To me having a child would beat anything else. Saying that, I do try to keep my mind off it and tell myself things like it's probably for the best because our jobs aren't that great at the moment or we might live in a nicer area next year which would be better for a little one, etc. I try to think as well that even after you have children and they grow up and move out you will have to focus more on your own life, so you're just sort of doing that now instead. I know all these methods don't go very far because every time AF turns up I feel just the same as you do. But you're not alone x

 

[BelleNuit]

I know what you mean Sally. I get told all the time how maternal I am (by people who don't know we are dealing with infertility). It hurts because I would love to have a child more than anything, and that is obviously the life that I would choose for myself. I'm just trying to accept that if it doesn't work out the way that I want that I will be okay. For awhile I went through a really dark place where I felt like my life would just be over if I couldn't be a mother. I thought "what's the point." I'm trying to remind myself that there is a point, that meaning comes from multiple avenues and having children really does just delay the question "whats the point in this life." They grow up and move out eventually. Some of us just face the reality of that question sooner than others.

I think we owe it to ourselves to live our lives as fully as possible, whether or not we can have children.

 

[satelitesally]

I totally agree with you there, even though having children would be amazing there is deffo loads of other great things out there to enjoy and love. I'm glad you can still have such a good attitude. Honestly I think if I did get pregnant now I'd probably die of shock! In the early days I'd be excited each month but now I just expect AF. I let ttc hold be back before in all honesty, because I wanted a different job but wasn't sure because of maternity leave etc. But I went for it and been at my new job 6 months now and still nothing so it really wasn't worth waiting around for and I love my job now - hated my old one.

 

[BelleNuit]

LOL I think I would do the same. It feels hard to imagine that it could ever happen for us. I'm looking forward to starting IUI in June because it will feel like we are finally doing something. I also have let ttc hold me back, I didn't go on a hiking trip last summer because I was convinced I would be pregnant by then.... oh was I ever wrong. I'm also not completely satisfied in my job but have stayed for the same reason you did for awhile... not knowing what to expect maternity leave-wise. I think you were smart to take the leap and switch jobs. If something comes along career wise for me that is a good fit I will take it as well. I'm tired of putting my life on hold.

 

[satelitesally]

I was looking up info about IUI - I understand the concept but what makes you eligible/when do you need it? Honestly I think my DHs swimmers are probably slow so if SA next month comes back with this could we be sent for IUI? Good luck with yours anyway I know what you mean about feeling like something is happening. Hopefully it will be what you needed x

 

[BelleNuit]

Generally IUI isn't done for severe MFI, but it can still be effective for mild MFI. Its kind of the first step for infertility treatment after doing clomid/femara and timed BDing (which we're doing right now). You also wouldn't do IUI if there were any tubal factors. We have unexplained infertility and wanted to wait till the 18th month mark before starting IUI because there is still a high rate of spontaneous pregnancy for unexplained infertility. Our RE wanted us to start IUI at our one year mark though, so I think anytime after 1 year its fine to try!

 

[satelitesally]

Interesting, I will ask my doctor about this at our next appt! I've been referred for a HSG but called up yesterday to book and they said thanks to the easter bank holiday weekend they cant get me in so have to wait till next month that's interesting, so at 20 months what are the chances now? I know there is always a chance, but do you get to a certain length of time and it's basically too long?

 

[BelleNuit]

I think it depends on if a cause has been found or not. There is always a chance that it could happen, but the likelihood of it happening slowly drops off over time. Based on our own factors DH and I have about a 5-8% chance each cycle right now. I think our problem may be in part thin lining, so I don't have much hope that we'll conceive spontaneously at this point lol. In general, if you haven't conceived by the 3 year mark the chance of it happening spontaneously is pretty low.

I think for you before even considering IUI getting the HSG and SA done is a great start! You'll know better what you're dealing with after that.

 

[satelitesally]

Thank you that's so much good information. I've been trying for a while but there's still a lot I don't know! I'm glad in a way that we are doing something about it and finding out what the problem is, but I'm also scared that we might end up being told our chances are virtually 0%

 

[satelitesally]

also (meant to put this in same message sorry) I heard my aunt had thin lining and she apparently took some medication that thickened her blood and therefore the lining? She has kids now and she gives me hope that there's often a way, so your time may well come and 5-8% is still very promising x

 

[BelleNuit]

Thanks Sally I sure hope so. Only a very small percentage of the population is truly "infertile" most of us are just subfertile. You will find your way through this mess too, I'm sure of that