How to deal with other people's rudeness?

[Starlight34]

I was with my hubby at a company dinner for his work. Suddenly, one of his bosses sits down next to me and starts nudging me, asking "Where are the kids, where are the kids?" I could smell alcohol on his breath, so I think he was drunk. Hubby and I answered that we don't have any. Then he starts nudging me again and says "Oh come on, you need to have kids, why don't you have any?" Other people at the table seemed to clue into my discomfort, and started talking about how it was hard for them to conceive, etc. I felt so angry. Am I being too sensitive or am I right to be pissed off that he was pestering me like that? I would have told him to @&$ off, but he's my hubby's boss. This isn't the first time he's pestered me like that. Thankfully I only see him once or twice a year. I think I may stop going to my hubby's work functions just to avoid him. Since when is my uterus up for discussion? Why do people seem to think it's perfectly fine to bother someone because they don't have kids? I think it's extremely rude. Thanks for listening, I just needed to get it out.

 

[MrsG09]

How to appropriately deal, I wish I had that figured out. I have taken the try to avoid offenders method like you say you're thinking about. Mine is a creepy old neighbor, though. When we first moved in he just seemed like a friendly older man. Then it's ventured into creepy territory. He started by asking if/when we were going to have kids. My telling him eventually, but we were waiting for DH to finish Grad school, I suddenly got an awkward lecture on how it's harder the longer you wait and heard all about his attempts at getting his first wife pregnant ! I was quite taken aback by that and started trying to avoid him. Ran into him about a month later and he went on again. Then, continued on, said we should go for walks at the park together (because before his creepy set in I had once said how I enjoyed nature, etc) and insisted on giving me his phone number....which I can assure you wasn't saved! At the end of that meeting he said I looked beautiful. Ah huh, cause I was in crummy clothes on way to pick up dogs and sufferings from a nasty cold. Needless to say...I completely freaked out after getting away. Called DH bawling. And have been very cautious about trying to avoid the man ever since. Not easy to do when we live in a condo complex, but I've done a fairly decent job of it. Just gives me the chills.

Sorry, that got excessive. Just wanted you to know you're not alone. For me, not a confrontational person, it has just been easier to work at avoidance. I know we won't be here much longer as DH's job consists of moving every few years or so for the time being. If it was long term, DH would probably have to talk to him (which he suggested/offered doing). It's certainly frustrating how some people think they have the right to barge into others private lives. Perhaps others can offer up suggestions beyond avoiding the offending party.

 

[KatO79]

Yeah I can see how it'd be uncomfortable, especially when it's DH's boss

Before DH and I decided to start TTC, one of his friends (he has 2 kids) was constantly commenting my "flat" belly every time we saw him I never knew what to say so I just never said anything. After we started TTCing, another of his friends and his wife who have their first child have been pests, mostly the wife. I remember at one get together she was cuddling with her little boy and saying "don't you want one of these?" to me. I just didn't know what to say as A) it's none of her business that DH and I were TTCing and B) I don't know her well enough to get into discussing the fact that DH and I were (and still are) having huge problems conceiving. So I said nothing and just let there be an uncomfortable silence. If it happens again, maybe I'll try and start crying and walk out so she learns that it can be a sensitive question for some and she'll learn to keep her mouth shut

In hindsight, maybe it's best to just say something like "We'll see" and then turn the conversation and start talking about something that interests him like maybe if you know his boss' hobbies or maybe just talk about the company or something. You could also just not answer, smile, and just change the topic and talk about something else. If he insists, just say you don't want to discuss this topic with him and then change the topic to something else. If you're into feeling more gutsy, maybe "Wow that's a very personal question, don't you think? So how's it going with...." If you keep saying you're not willing to discuss it with him and he keeps going, just walk away. He can't possibly get mad at you for refusing to discuss something you feel is personal and don't want to talk about.

Frankly I find it odd he's asking you and not your DH (it'd still be rude but he knows your DH better than he knows you) But maybe he has some strange notion that it's always the woman who is dragging on the process or something

When it comes down to it, asking someone when they're going to have kids is a rude question If those being asked don't want any, they're put in the uncomfortable position of having to defend themselves and infertile couples are just upset by this line of questioning. I've always found it rude, even before mine and DH's fertility issues. I would never ask anyone this question as it's none of my business, even if it was family.

Hope you get the boss to leave you alone next time

 

[Fleur828815]

Gosh, some people really don't think before they speak! Tell them you're too busy enjoying life as a couple and haven't yet decided whether you want kids or not... Or that you like playing with babies but are glad to hand them back to their parents afterwards.... But then they'll probably tell you that you MUST have kids!

 

[MrsLux]

Apparently as soon as you are married your uterus is well and truly up for discussion. Very irritating! Before DH and I where TTC I regularly defended/changed subject when this question was asked to a work colleague who I knew was having some troubles (because she had chosen to tell me!!) It used to make me so mad and upset for her. Why should she have to explain herself to people. Hubby and I have kept it to ourselves that we are TTC other than my very encouraging excited best friend. Some people just can't help themselves though!

 

[Starlight34]

Yeah, it's a pretty personal subject, yet people think it's ok to bother you about it. I don't mind people asking if I want kids, but please don't ask why I haven't yet, it's very rude. People are tactless, they have no idea what you are going through. It was almost like he was saying "Hey you! You're a female. You haven't popped out any babies yet, what's wrong with you?"
I have pcos, so kids may not be an option for us, but we're trying. I didn't tell him that, and it's none of his business. I'm pretty sensitive so I probably took it harder than I should have. But people should never grill you about the subject, especially if the person is practically a stranger.

 

[mum140381]

i just come out with a comment like i knew we forgot something or i left them home alone dont let it bother u hun some people

 

[MrsHudson]

I hate being asked that so much! I definitely feel you on that. Totally rude and uncalled for.

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married this May, and we had people bugging us about kids before the wedding. The worst was his uncle about a year ago at a family get together. I don't exactly remember what was said but he made it sound like that was my sole purpose in life. I straight up told him it was only DH and I's business and no one elses and brought up the fact that maybe we didn't even want kids. His parents started jumping down my throat about it after the wedding too, so I had to tell them they'll know when we feel like we're ready to share that with them.

 

[TTCgamer2.0]

I always answer a rude question with another question. "Why do you think it is ok to ask me that?" "Where are YOUR children" "Where does your wife keep your leash sir?"

 

[BabyCleo]

Id make them feel bad. Its sounds horrible, but it works. Ive used this with a few friends. Id say "you know, we have been told that it may be hard for us to conceive, and the subject is very fragile right now." Every time, they feel uncomfortable and drop it. You don't have to say that you've been trying, just say you've been told it may be hard. I did this to a girl who is downright a self entitled princess who thinks the world revolves around her, and her brother came back apologizing for her behaviour like no tomorrow.

 

[mum140381]

I always answer a rude question with another question. "Why do you think it is ok to ask me that?" "Where are YOUR children" "Where does your wife keep your leash sir?"

i love this im going to use it

 

[Firefly Skies]

I usually respond with, "It'll happen when it happens." I feel like that's neutral enough to where I'm not being explicit about TTC, and you know what? It's true. All we can do is put the stuff in the right place, it's up to the stuff to do what it's supposed to do.

With people I have not told about TTC, and with whom it's awkward to discuss it, I usually just say, "Oh, you know..." and trail off. What's funny is most people take that how they want to and don't pester me about it.

 

[alchemy]

I hate jerks like that. We were childfree for years because we wanted to enjoy being husband and wife for awhile and the crap we got constantly made me want to punch people. I started telling people if they wanted to fork over the quarter of a million it cost to raise a kid for 18 years we would get right on it. That usually shut them up!

 

[Jules8]

I'm going to just join along as this upsets me as well! As soon as we got married everyone started asking..we weren't ttc right away but we weren't exactly not preventing it.

I also had some opposite "advice" that wasn't asked for about how we should wait for some unknown reason.

Now a year later since it didn't just happen we decided to start getting serious and I don't even want to tell anyone! I don't want the pressure from those who keep asking or criticism from people who want to sway our minds. I'm 27 and my husband will be 33...I think people should just realize it's not their place to give an opinion unless we ask for one.
Vent over. Lol

 

[winnipegk]

We are OK telling people we're trying because it seems to shut most people up...or at least when they say "so are you guys wanting to have kids?" we just say "yep!" and move on. They seem to get the hint.

The super annoying thing for us is when they say "oh you know, you just have to relax. It'll happen when it happens. Don't stress, that will only make it worse." Thanks very much. Do I seem stressed even though it's been almost 5 years? No I don't. Please shut up.

Seriously. I think we just have to be confident in ourselves and our choices and be OK telling people it's none of their business.

 

[froggyfrog]

Dh and I are pretty open about our struggle. At first we weren't because we didn't want to hear dumb comments, but now I just respond with we have been working on it for a while. That usually doesn't get a response back. There are instances where we get "advice" but I take advantage of the opportunity to educate people on infertility. I did have one lady that would comment every time I got a hotflash at work because of my letrozole. I tried to be nice about it time after time, but one day snapped at her about how infertility is a disease just like her diabetes is a disease and would sitting around trying to relax and completely stop trying to make it better cure her diabetes? The comments stopped#

 

[Starlight34]

I have to see him again this year at the company christmas party. My husband suggested I really make him feel like an idiot this time. When he bothers me again, I'll just tell him flat out that we are having fertility problems, which is what is going on with us. That shuts people up pretty quick. But he's a tactless drunk, so who knows.

 

[Jules8]

If he asks I would tell him that you are trying but having a difficult time and would appreciate it if he would not bring it up anymore. If he continues to go on about it just walk away. Sometimes that is the only way to deal with people that just won't understand.

 

[KatO79]

I have to see him again this year at the company christmas party. My husband suggested I really make him feel like an idiot this time. When he bothers me again, I'll just tell him flat out that we are having fertility problems, which is what is going on with us. That shuts people up pretty quick. But he's a tactless drunk, so who knows.

Would you feel comfortable telling him that? I know I wouldn't feel comfortable telling a semi-stranger about our fertility issues. I've only told my mother, my closest friend, DH's little brother's girlfriend, my DH's grandmother and soon the in-laws will know were getting help although they know we've been trying.

If you're comfortable with that, then that's fine. If not, I still am an advocate for just saying you don't want to discuss it with him and change the topic, especially if he's drunk because it might not register. If he keeps going on and on, then just walk away. Because it really is none of his business you and your DH are having fertility issues

Whatever approach you decide to take, I hope you get him to leave you alone

BTW I love your cat, he/she looks a lot like my kitty in both color and coat length

 

[Starlight34]

I have to see him again this year at the company christmas party. My husband suggested I really make him feel like an idiot this time. When he bothers me again, I'll just tell him flat out that we are having fertility problems, which is what is going on with us. That shuts people up pretty quick. But he's a tactless drunk, so who knows.

Would you feel comfortable telling him that? I know I wouldn't feel comfortable telling a semi-stranger about our fertility issues. I've only told my mother, my closest friend, DH's little brother's girlfriend, my DH's grandmother and soon the in-laws will know were getting help although they know we've been trying.

If you're comfortable with that, then that's fine. If not, I still am an advocate for just saying you don't want to discuss it with him and change the topic, especially if he's drunk because it might not register. If he keeps going on and on, then just walk away. Because it really is none of his business you and your DH are having fertility issues

Whatever approach you decide to take, I hope you get him to leave you alone

BTW I love your cat, he/she looks a lot like my kitty in both color and coat length

Oh thanks! She's a rescue cat and I'm not sure of her breed. I think she might be a Norwegian forest cat. She's a sweetheart and she cracks me up. From behind she looks like she's wearing furry shorts, lol!
Yeah, I'm not sure why I should have to discuss that with him, it's quite private. I just want him to leave me alone.